Love your husband or further your education.

@ch88ss (2270)
United States
June 24, 2008 2:50pm CST
What would you do? If you know that furthering your education will cause more tension between your husband. Would you give up on furthering your education? I want a degree to get better paying jobs and job security. However, I feel that if I did further my education, my husband and I will further drift apart. Our views are totally different from each other. We already don't agree with the basic. Such as my desire to for better quality of life. He thinks I am a fool for wanting to find a new job with better pay. But what Should I do if the current job raises don't even cover the inflation all around us. What would you do? Stay put and save the marriage? Or further your education.
7 people like this
54 responses
• United States
24 Jun 08
You are the only one that can decide what is best for you. With the job market like it is it makes sense to want to better educate yourself so that you are able to better yourself. Jobs are hard to get right now so the better educated you are the easier it is to get hired. There is nothing at all wrong with you wanting to get a degree. Your husband should support you on that. I think it depends on what is more important to you. If you love your husband and want to save the marriage it should come first. If you feel that furthering your education is more important to you it should come first. I however feel that you should not have to make a choice like that. I feel that a husband who loves his wife should encourage her to pursue her dreams and support her if she decides to better educate herself. I hope that you all can work through this. Best wishes to you.
3 people like this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Hi, I hope I can work through this. We had our problems already but I feel that once I further my education I will start to realize how selfish he can be. He probably won't offer to help with the kids. He already committed this mean and selfish act 12 years ago. I was trying to fill out a college application and he was sitting down chatting with his friend. Instead of getting up to see why the child was crying, he got mad at me for not being a good mom and wife. I don't even know why I stayed with him after that incident. Needless to say, I did not further my education then because he did not support my decision. I really hope I can make the right choice. He may not be the best husband, but he is a good father. He has become an improved father over the years. Though He could do more, but right now he is doing his best. I thank you for your support and great encouragement. I will need to think about it some more. Happy Tuesday.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 08
I think all men can be somewhat selfish when it comes to things like this and not even really mean to. I think that they are afraid things will change and they will lose their wife. They will lose the woman who takes care of everything. She will become to independent, she will find someone smarter, younger, better looking. I think all these fears go through their heads maybe. Maybe if you address these issues with your husband he will see that you are doing this for all of the family. Reassure him that you are going to school not out looking for any thing else. Sometimes men just need reassurance. I think it is fear more than selfishness but that is just a guess. If you love him but are not in love with him he may feel that as well and it could be causing him some anxiety about your returning to school. But this is just guessing on my part from this post and others you have posted. If at all possiable you both need to talk it over and both address these issues that maybe causeing some of the rift here. I hope you two can talk through it and get it all worked out.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Travi, Again you come to my rescue with great advice. Thank you. You seem to read what is on my mind and hearts. I used to love him but over the years the neglect, his way of loving me has bugged me enough. I am not happy anymore like I used to be. I want more for the kids, I want my own independence. We fought last time when I insisted on going to my company's Christmas party without the kids. That is because they don't allow the kids there. I invited him but he refused to attend with me. Once again at that moment i was really lonely and felt hurt. He would not do it for me. I have a lot of thinking to do just thinking back makes me feel very stupid. I saw all the signs but ignored them all and let it affect my life for over 13 years.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 08
Honestly, if you disagree on fundamental life goals, then I don't think you should have gotten married in the first place. Your husband should support you, no matter what you want to do in life. He shouldn't be insulting you and trying to hold you back. If it were me, I wouldn't stand for it.
2 people like this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
HI Gloomcookie, It all started back 12 years ago. I was not mature and married him right out of high school. Then once married I realized I could not be selfish. I was pregnant and had to do eveything in my power to give my son a home with both parents. So long story short, Now I feel that I want to do something with my life. Only if I took the other route and continued school instead of fooling around. Now I am in a bigger mess than I can handle. Thank you for your opinion. I totally see your views and agree, but it is extremely difficult when you add kids to the mix.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 08
Yes it is more difficult. Whether you think so or not, kids see and know that you two don't get along. I don't believe children should be raised in that kind of environment. It's not fair and not healthy for them. My advise is either go to therapy and get him to get over his hang-ups and make him stop insulting you and holding you back, or take the kids and leave.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I have seriously thought about leaving with the kids. But never had the guts to do it yet. I think I need time to sort this out. I agree with you, kids in this environment is not heatlthy. I lived through it my parents fought all the time that I hated being at home. The oddest part of us, we don't really fight. We just don't talk or at least I don't talk to him. He seems to forget about why I was upset with him. He says I need to learn to forgive and forget. Why should I when I been wanting this degree since I started Kinder. When I was in kinder, by the time I knew about life, probably around 3rd grade, I always wanted to be able to say "I graduated from college". I hope this can be very soon.
1 person likes this
@baileycows (3669)
• United States
24 Jun 08
no, If you husband really loves you he will want you to further your education so that you could provide more for the family. Any husband that didnt want you to I would think was very selfish.
2 people like this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Hi baileycows, Thank you for your great encouragement. I do feel this way, however, I hate to be the one to destroy the marriage later on. Like the old saying "it is only normal for the same species to be able to get along". If I pursue my education I feel I am already preparing my marraige for a failure because I will be exposes to much more that is out there and realize that I don't have to live this way.
1 person likes this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
24 Jun 08
You don't have to live that way! Everyone deserves to live a good life and your husband should realize that and want the same things. It took mine a while to want the same as me, but he is very happy he finally wanted it. He has a smile every day since we moved in this house. :) Good Luck ~Icy~
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I am happy for you. It must taken a lot of energy and talking to finally convince him to see your point of view. Somehow I feel I don't have the energy and time nor the patience for that.
1 person likes this
@rebeka (364)
• Romania
24 Jun 08
do u like on depending to him? what if he leaves you in the next year or something will happen to him can u handle? i saw manny women leaving houses, education, everything they had for their husband and in the end regret it badlly but too late...true love is when u want the best for the otherone, and if u really love a person u will never ask him to let go something he really wants
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
I am not sure. I bring in the bigger income, so he knows very well that if he left I can handle it by myself. sometimes I regret for being so independent because that also puts me in the lonely sector. I always have to make all the decision at home because he can't decide. but when it comes to my dreams, he decided that I should not waste my time.
1 person likes this
@rebeka (364)
• Romania
24 Jun 08
yeah...tippical...what happens when it comes to his dreams? does he fulfill his dreams?
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Well, he does not have dreams that needs his hard work. He has dreams to take a vacation, but don't care if that never happens. He has dreams that he can drive a BMW, but expects me to do it since I bring in the bigger income.
1 person likes this
@Barb42 (4216)
• United States
24 Jun 08
This one is very hard to answer considering I stay at home. My husband never was bothered that I worked and I doubt he would never have been bothered had I wanted to get more education. I actually wish I had. I love my husband very much and would hate to make him angry. But, in this day and time, any man who realizes he needs my pay check to offset the inflation we have now, should be able to let me further my education. I see no reason not to go back to school for a better paying job. Would it interfere in your time with him? Would you be doing it at night, or have to take off from your job now in order to go back to school? Some people have a hard time letting go of the past - a good job, for example. They think it would be hard to find another good job and don't realize that education will help you get a better job. My daughter just quit her job of 18 years because of inflation and having to travel 35 miles one way. Gas was eating her up. She chose to take a cut in pay in order to work in her hometown and it's ended up that she is going to be better off by moving home, even though she isn't making as much. Whatever you do, think long and hard. A marriage is usually worth saving unless you have abuse within. Also, if you would be making more than your husband, could this possibly be a problem? Mine wouldn't care. He'd say go to it!
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Hi Barb, You do have a good point. but my husband don't agree all the way. I will be doing school online 1 class at a time. So I won't be leaving the home, I can still do my full time job. I do make more money than him already. So with a degree I will make even more. I fear that during my school time we will fight because he will not watch the kids while I do homework etc.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Oh hi, I forgot to mention. other than ignoring my dreams, goals and feelings. he has not gotten physical with me. Abuse - mentally no. I does not say anything degrading. He still holds some kind of respect for me since I do bring in the bigger income. but when it comes to going back to school he think it is not worth it. He says I am too old to spend money on improving myself. Big sigh, I hope I can wake and tomorrow he made new friends like those that have posted their responses. Then he may realized how much this is bothering me. thank you for being there to give me advice.
1 person likes this
@Barb42 (4216)
• United States
24 Jun 08
You never get too old to learn! I once had a man to tell me to go to college! He didn't start until he retired from the military. He was 47 when he began his college education. How I wish I had listened and went to college. I sometimes think about doing it online now. Sounds like you will be doing good, working, taking a course and doing all the other work a woman has to do in the home. Your husband should respect you more for that. My daughter has been a single Mom for 8 1/2 years, so she has to really watch her money. And, the gas was literally eating up her pay check! That's the reason she decided to make the drastic change. But she said she has not regretted it, although she cried when she handed in her resignation. But sometimes we have to do things to help ourselves. And, I think you and my daughter both have seen that inflation is killing you and it's time for you to make a change. Good luck to you!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jun 08
Tought situation! If you need to be more educated in order to feel fulfilled and have more confidence, you need to go for it. If you feel that you won't be able to survive on your current income, you definitely need to go for it. What are the reasons that your husband uses as objections for your going back to school? Is he uneducated and feeling threatened or lesser because of it? I can't think of many reasons someone would object to you wanting to bring more to the table, unless they're feeling like you're trying to undermine them. I don't know if he'd be open to counseling, but have you tried talking to him about why he doesn't want you to go back to school? Calling you a fool isn't very productive, but I'd try and see if there are reasons for it. Does he possibly feel that there isn't the extra money to take classes now? Good luck. I hope that sticking with your dreams doesn't lead to the break up of your marriage. Maybe you can come up with a compromise of some sort that will allow you to continue your relationship and move forward with your education.
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi Fluffnflowers It sure is tough. He believes That I am only going to waste /throw away money by getting my degree. He thinks I am too old for this and even if I did get a degree, most employers will prefer to hire younger ones anyways. Also I looked into getting a loan and he dissapprove of that too. I am not sure if he feels threaten since I already bring in the higher income so he has been used to it for over 8 years now. He claims I am trying to live a life that is not really meant for the family. Like I should not dream of such when in reality I don't need it, I guess. I do know for a fact that in his culture it is common for the ladies to be uneducated and be a stay at home mother. However, this contradicts the fact that I am a working full time mother and also brings in the larger income. So all this confuses me and I wonder about why he objects to this.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jun 08
You're never too old to get your degree! My mom's been going back to school and collecting degrees all of her life. She just got one that is making her more money a few years ago -- and she's 53! She'll probably continue going to school (every degree that applies to her job gets her more money) as long as she lives, even if it's only a class here and there. Maybe in 'reality' you don't need it, but I think a thirst for knowledge and a desire to move upward is a good thing. Your husband sounds pretty conflicted.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi Fluffnflowers, Your mother's desire to keep learning is a wonderful and great example for her children. I too feel that way, I want to be proud and tell me kids that an education is important. If I did pursue and my education further, I can at least have some grounds when speaking to my teen boy about making sure he continues his education after high school. Thank you for sharing your mother's experience.
@palonghorn (5486)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Anyone, including your husband that thinks that furthering your education is a waste of time, is being selfish. I went back to school, online, to work on my bachelor's degree, and my ex-husband couldn't say one good thing about it, even when I made the dean's list. He chose his job over going to college, and that's fine, but I chose to go back to school, to hopefully be able to work at my dream job. I am still working on my degree, off and on, and I have my foot in the door, was hired a year ago for my dream job. By the way, he is not my ex because of me going back to school, there were other reasons. I do know that he felt intimidated that I had a higher education level than he did, and no he would have never admitted that. Maybe your husband feels threatened by you having a higher education. I would further your education, you never know if there will be some reason (I hope not) that your marriage doesn't last, and then you would regret not furthering your education.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
HI Palaghorn, so sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out for you. I feel the same, I feel he is selfish for wanting to hold me back. I was dumb enough to go along with it a few years back (12 years). I delayed my education because I was pregnant with my son, now I want to finish school but he seems to disagree. I am glad you made the choice to further your education regardless of your ex-husband support. After reading your post, I think I have more courage to finally talk to him this weekend. We don't have the money, but I figure I can do loans that will defer until I graduate.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 08
There are lots of grants and loans to help a person. If you fall into the right wage group you can get school paid for. It is worth checking out and even if you had to pay back some of the money I think the benefits would well be worth it.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Travi Thanks for the tip. I did not know. I will look into and hope to find one that suits my needs. of course, after I figure out how I can manage school, work and the kids all by myself.
1 person likes this
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I would not waste the money or the time to further your education without first spending some time to further your relationship with your husband. There are a few reasons I say this. While many people think that getting a better education is the secret to a better higher paying job that is not always the case. My hubby has $40,000 in student loan debt and works in a career that he could have started out of high school without any degree! It pays more than anything he found for his degree though, so it makes sense for him to do this. While I don't know how long you've known each other or been married and I'm assuming there's no issues of abuse or strict control behavior, I would wager you've already invested a lot of time in your marriage, so to me it would make sense to put some time and effort into rebuilding what you had - and chances are if you do that, then you could go on to pursue a degree if you still want to and probably without the hard feelings without you two. Check with your insurance company and see if they offer any mental health benefits - many do. Even if your husband is reluctlant you could always start off going on your own to help you find ways to strengthen your relationship. I know this is probably an unconventional answer, but if I were in the same situation it is what I would do.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Oh I forgot to add a few things! There are ways to get ahead in your field without a degree, depending what it is of course. You could take single courses at a community college for the skills you need (WAY cheaper than a full degree for classes you'll never use!), or even offer to volunteer somewhere to build connections and network and gain experience. Often networking can do WAY more - I beat out 4 yr degree people with my 2 yr "worthless" degree because of my experience and the name of person who reccommended me for the job!
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi Vera, Thank you for your great opinion and suggestion. You do have a point, my marriage 13 years and two beautiful children. I hope I can talk to him and let him know how important this is for me. Now a days, it is harder to even earn enough to buy a house. So sorry, to hear that your husband has so much student loan. This is what scares my husband too. I wish I have the contact and connection for the job. And no, he is not at all abusive. I say NO Though he is semi controlling, why do I say that? because I don't get to go anywhere alone without the kids. So I don't really have a social life anymore. I don't get to go and have dinner witha friend unless I take my daughter with me. His excuse, he can't handle my girl becuase she needs me etc.
• Germany
26 Jun 08
It seems to me you already know what you want to do. If you give up your plans for further study because of your husband, you will always be angry with him. I think you should do the study
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
26 Jun 08
HI Dilabar, LOoks like that will be true. I will hold it against him and everything else he does will only seem to be worth 0 in my opinion. I will have less respect for him for holding me back. Thank for pointing that out, I did not think of it that way, but feeling that way already
@wendyloo (184)
• France
26 Jun 08
If your husband wanted to further his education then I am sure he would want your support. Talk this through again,I am sure you can work it out, I did the same when I was 39 and it did cause a few problems,but married or not I am my own person after all.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
26 Jun 08
Hi Wendyloo, I think you have a great point. YOu are still who you are regardless of marital status. I always been a strong and ambitiuous women so even if he disagree I most likely do it anyways. I just feel it is sad to that I have to be put in this position.
@guybrush (4660)
• Australia
26 Jun 08
ch88ss, it's really sad that your husband doesn't seem to want you to further your education. Some men feel they are in control of their women by keeping them at home and relying on the man's income, and some men become jealous if their women are earning more than them. I think you need to fulfil your dreams and further your education, because if your marriage fails anyway, you'll feel sorry you didn't stand up for yourself and get your education. I think you need to stand up to your husband and be strong - tell him exactly what you'd like to do, and hopefully he'll see you are serious and understand your point of view. I think you would regret it later if you give in to your husband and allow him to own you. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
26 Jun 08
HI Guybrush, I think you are right. I realized through so much helpful advice here at mylot that there is no guarantee in a marriage. But one thing for sure, my education follows me and will never let me down. Thank you for confirming my idea is the right way.
@magnet (2087)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I would further my education. If he loves you he will support you and your dreams. I think it's possible to have a happy marriage at the same time as continuing your education.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Magnet, Thank you for your opinion. I hope I can have both coming my way. But whatever comes of it, I know I am hanging on to my kids.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I'd go for the education myself. Years ago I turned down paid tuition for four years to marry my spouse and follow his career moves. Now, years later and spouse is wealthy and living great off of his education. Where as me - the ex - is now struggling to make ends meet. Education lasts, marriage often doesnt.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi Tesswhite, OUCH! It must be very difficult to forget that. After reading so many posts, it looks like it is a good idea for me to pursue my career for the sake of myself and the kids. If he does decide to leave me, then oh well. My education can accompany me to my new life with my kids. HaHa LOL. Your experience has made a lasting impression and I will remember this whenever I chicken out and let my husband talk to out of it. Thank you again.
@jstaubin (423)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I would go get the education and if her truely loved you and knew how much it ment to you then he would support you through it. I speak from experience. Five years ago my h usband decided that he want to go to college. We had just had a premature baby and I knew that it wouldbe a trying time for us. But if I didn't support him on it he would resent me for holding him back. You need to go for what will make you happy in life.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi Jstaubin, A happy ending, I like to know about happy endings. At least it gives me hope thanks. It looks like you made the right choice to support him and best wishes to you and your child. How is your child doing now? My daughter was born premature five years ago and I know the feeling and sleepless nights.
@mizcash (686)
• Canada
24 Jun 08
My dear you come first, anything can happen and you are left alone or out in the cold. Education will never leave you or foresake you it will only better your life. Go ahead and do something that will move you futher ahead don't be held back by someone limiting themself and you.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi Mizcash, I see and hear your point and that is what my heart says too. The education follows me where ever I go unlike a husband, he may choose to leave me tomorrow and I be without one. But again, maybe, just thought I wonder what it is like without him. Maybe I might enjoy life better. LOL
@Bluepatch (2480)
• Trinidad And Tobago
24 Jun 08
I'd just say this. My sister paid for my brother in law's studies and now he is a very prominent and respected lawyer. I guess its up to you but no one I've ever known has regretted a better education. They also live a lot better than other people. It may be a drag now but the payout is in a lifetime. I would like to suggest you work out a way to get the studies in. The benefits are there.
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hi bluepatch, Wow your sister must have worked hard to pay for your brother in law, her husband education. It is a big sacrifice to make. I alway feel and education will never abandon me. Because an education is something that follows me where ever I go. thank you for sharing your sister's experience with me. I have a lot of serious thinking to do.
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
24 Jun 08
I don't know about furthering my education. lol I tried that with 20 years of torture and am now happy to have my life back. lol Your situation, I think you are not a fool for wanting a better quality of life! I wanted it and it took us 4 years to get it! We are in a better place now and you both have to want it to get it. I think positively on everything we say we would like to happen and I have told hubby he has to think that way too and he is realizing that within the last month, we have had NOTHING but good luck and have been happy. Tell your husband that you want a better job to help with the bills, groceries, extra money to go out with or on vacation. Tell him you want to be able to help in any way you can and with your job now, you don't feel you will be able to do that with the way the economy is now. I told mine I was willing to go back to work if it meant getting in this house (even if I can't go back) and he knew I was willing to make more pain in my body to get in this house and so we came, looked and agreed we wanted it :) I wish you the best of luck in making your husband realize you want something that is reachable if you both want it and strive for it together. ~Icy~
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
25 Jun 08
HI Icyorchid, It sounds like you have come a long way and finally reached a point in both of your life that you can agree on things together. That is so wonderful and I love happy endings. I am glad things work out for you. I hope to be able to reach that goal with my hubby together. I want to be able to hold my diploma and still have him next to me in the picture whether we are still in love with each other or not.
@cwilson26 (2736)
• United States
24 Jun 08
I would have to further my education. If your husband can't understand that you want a better life then maybe he is not the man for you. I am not trying to make you mad or hurt your feelings but you need to be happy too and he should want you to be happy. If my husband ever told me I was a fool for wanting a better life, I would tell him he can take his crappy life and shove it. If you don't do what makes you happy just to please others, you will be miserable and you will regret it. Please think about yourself and sit down and try to make him understand. Good luck. :)
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Hi CWilson, Oh don't worry, your advice are greatly appreciate. you did not hurt my feelings or got me mad. I am already over it when I decided to post my question on mylot. I know that I am ready for the truth and what ever it takes. I do have a lot of thinking to do. THank you for taking time out of your day to respond to my question. I hope he will listen this weekend. I need his support otherwise I need to find a babysitter. It is difficult when kids are part of the decision making.
1 person likes this
@walijo2008 (4647)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Maybe your husband is afraid that if you go back to school and get a better paying job, that you'll be making more money than he is. I don't know why but it bothers some men if their wives bring home more money than they do. It makes them feel not so important or something, like if you make more than him, it makes him feel less of a man. I don't know, maybe you should ask him that, and talk about it. If he loves you, then he'll let you do what you want to do and try not to discourage you from reaching your goals. Explain that it will benefit the both of you, you'll be able to do more of the things you want to do or buy. I myself wouldn't let anyone tell me what I can and can't do, my husband tries to, but he knows I won't listen to him, I'll do it anyway. I don't think its a good enough reason to end a marriage, you will just have to work it out the best you can. Sorry I couldn't help you much...Good Luck
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
Hi Walijo, You actually have some very good tips for me. The only part that is unexplainable. I already earn more money than him. So I don't understand why he will feel this way. I wish he can read the responses to realize that it is wrong for him to stop me from reaching my dreams. Of course, if he knew I was on mylot making friends. He will accuse me of cheating. Though he has been good and never put his hands on me.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Jun 08
I see you received a lot of very good advice here. Hope you can find peace of mind soon. I know you're undergong tough times. It's really hard to choose. But I'm sure there are ways to resolve this other than having to decide to choose between the two. You just have to trust yourself, be sincere in explaining why you'd like to further your education. I'm sure that a loving husband would detect that sincerity in you. If worse comes to worst and he still insists on his pride, then I'd say he doesn't deserve to have you. still, if love prevails, he'd realize it and find it in his heartr to work things out. Good-luck!
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
24 Jun 08
HI Didnottask4it Hey I like that user id: did not ask 4 it. very creative And thanks for the tips. I hope my husband will see this is for the family and to help us secure a better future for the kids. I will keep trying to explain to him. I got a lot of responses with some very good tips and I will be mentally jotting down their advices as I talk to my husband about it this weekend.
1 person likes this