What are the option available to me..........

@dpk262006 (56225)
Delhi, India
June 25, 2008 5:15am CST
One of the girls from a known to family came to me and narrated her grievance,as under (in her own words) - I am 22 year unmarried girl. I belong to a business class family. Education level of my parents and my brother is medicore (none of them holds a graduation degree). My father has a strong hold on our family. Everyone is supposed to obey his commands/orders. I have two elder brothers, whom my father got married against their choice or wishes. Mine is extremely conservative and traditional family. I am not supposed to confront my father directly on any issue related to my marriage, as per convention in our house. Whatever I have to say to him, I am supposed to go through my mother. My parents are hell bent upon getting me married, at the earliest. They wanted to marry me a guy even at the age of 18 years, but I resisted. I told them, please let me allow to complete my graduation degree. I completed my graduation degree successfully. Then my parents again started looking for a match. I resisted that and said "let me gain some more knowledge." I completed a short term computer couse and did Nursery Teacher Training. Now, I have taken admission to do my 'Master Degree in Business Administration', through long distance learning. My parents are again after me, they have found out a match for me. The prospective groom is 10 years older to me. He is in service and earns handsomely. He is partially bald. I am dead against getting married to a guy who is 10 years older to me. But my parents are not listening. They tell me different arguments - Like, "We have selected a suitable match for you and the age factor is not so important", "We will always look for your welfare". However, I am not at all willing to get married to this particular guy, who is older to me. I have requested them to look for another match, but they are insisting for the same guy. Does a girl (even in a conservative family)have any right to tell about her choice to her parents? Or Am I supposed to follow the choice and orders of my parents blindly? I wish to resist this match to the best of my ability, but I know I might be fighting against the odds. I even threated my parents, that I will do something serious, if you they insist for this match. Should I fall in line with my parents? Should I accept the match to which my mind does not accept? what should I do? Dear friends, sorry for the long narration, but this was the problem, which was brought to my notice. I have tried to write the way girl explained her grivance to me. Though I suggested that she should have every right to tell her parents about her choice and decision, yet, her parents would be the final authority in deciding her fate. What are the opinions of my friends, on this issue, I would like them to throw some light on this issue based on their knowledge and wide experience. I shall be grateful for all your suggestion on this case.
8 people like this
12 responses
• India
25 Jun 08
Typical Indian father Deepak…precious little that she can do except pray (again typical of most Indians). If she is in love with somebody else then eloping in typical Bollywood ishtyle can be an option but not a safe one definitely. Her only option is to press for someone younger in age but then if you think of it coolly Deepak then you will see that 32 is not a very late age for a guy to get married. It’s the ideal time in fact when men generally settle down in good jobs after the initial rough years, their salary also increases after years of experience and they have something little in the bank too (as most bachelors rarely contribute heavily in the Indian family). If the girl is looking for somebody younger then she should be prepared for financial rough times too. And yes, the baldness is definitely a problem…who wants to marry a takla dulha But jokes apart, I think its hereditary and the poor guy should not be blamed for it. All in all, I think the girl should go ahead and marry. Swyayamvar ka zamana to raha nahi …she cant go on selecting and rejecting prospective grooms till she falls in love with her prince charming!
3 people like this
@apsara60 (6612)
• Israel
25 Jun 08
hey stdipta, you have taken panga with all takals.....and by the way I like the idea of swaymwar.......
1 person likes this
• India
26 Jun 08
Hi Apsara, its takla not takals.. and i like swayamvar too, it just shows how liberated we women were in those days.
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
26 Jun 08
Many thanks for interesting inputs, Sudipta. She belongs to a conservative family, so there is no question of eloping with any guy. I partially agree with your point that 32 is not a very late age, it may not be a late age according to boy's point of view, but when you see it in comparison to girl's age, ten years' of age difference look bigger to me. And what to do with baldness........I see no solution to that. Yesterday, only my wife talked to girl's mother to know about her mind. What she gathered was - that her parents are adamant are very keen to get marry their daughter to that particular guy, because the girl in question is 'Managalik Dosh' (hope you undestand Managlik dosh...). Her mother says, we have taken a decision after considering every aspect and our daughter should obey our command. I see no light for that poor girl, because, no one is prepared to look from her point of view and I also feel that a forced marriage for her may not turn out to be a happy marriage for her.
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
2 Jul 08
This is an exemplary case and so typical of Indian society. Its an out and out patriarchal society when the father dominates, virtually rules the members. The mother has no say, no courage, no position. Even though things are changing but then the rural India is but a slice of what you have narrated. I really appreciate your concern Deepak and its very alarming since its an occurrence of Delhi, the capital and supposedly most advanced city of our country! The girl is in a strange situation. She is still a student, she has a mother who doesn't have any voice and a dominant father. She is not even financially independent in which case she could have lived separately. I think she should reason with her father and try to explain. That's the only thing she could do. It seems that it would hardly work still she should try. Next she can talk to the man her father chose for her. She can convince him to break the marriage. This is very tough situation though. She has to be very brave and smart. It would require her total self to fight this out. I am concerned and I wish her luck!
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
2 Jul 08
Many thanks for your considered views. By the time you wrote your reply, the matter could reach its finality and you know what, the unexpected happend. The girl resisted the proposal in front of her father, which made the father very furious and angry. Her father even slapped her on seeing girl's stubborn attitude. Then the girl came to our house, she told the whole story. Finally, she told her parents, I would accept any choice of yours, except this one. And yesterday only, she told me that she has clearly told her parents about her final decision and they are most likely going to agree to her stand i.e. they may not go for the match.
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
2 Jul 08
I really appreciate the young girl's courage. That's the way it should be. I am glad that things have resolved. She has to be more brave since her father would try the trick again. Poor girl!
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
5 Dec 08
And finally, the proposal did not materialise. It was perhaphs boy's side, who rejected the proposal. What an anti-climax!
@aisaellis22 (6449)
• United States
16 Jan 09
Hello deepak! This is a heartbreaking story. It's hard for me to say because I know your culture there is different from our culture. If you will ask me actually, she can insists not to let her marry that guy. But if they will not listen, she can run away from them. She's at the right age and she can stand by herself already. She has a good education and for sure she can find a good job. She doesn't have to be guilty of running away because it's the parents obligation to give a better life to their children and give them proper education.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
19 Jan 09
Aisa! Thanks for your suggestion, our culture and society does not approve of the action suggested by you. However, this story ended in an anti-climax, just read the entire discussion along with my comments thereon, you will come to know.
@anonymili (3138)
15 Dec 08
I know the situation has been resolved and to the satisfaction of the girl. I do feel for her situation and am sure her parents will try their nonsense again. For it is nonsense to try to force your adult children to marry someone that they are not prepared to marry. It is 2008 for goodness sake! People don’t have to do as their parents tell them to do and those that do it and then whine about it for years afterwards have no sympathy from me. In the UK I know so many Indian people who were born and brought up here yet they were too scared to stand up to their parents. You know of all the Indian people I know of my age range or thereabouts - the ones whose marriages have lasted the longest have been the ones who have been allowed to make their own choice of life partner. And I don’t just mean love marriages, I mean arranged marriages as well whereby the boy and girl were introduced by parents or family friends and were allowed to get to know each other before making a decision about their whole lives. The majority of Indians that I know who are divorced are the ones whose parents “forced” them to marry someone they did not want to marry. Shame on parents who do this to their children as it’s ultimately their fault their children have had to go through this kind of trauma. I am glad I have loving parents who trust me to make my own decisions (and mistakes) in life and never threatened to disown me or with violence because I didn’t follow their wishes! I could go on for ages on this subject but I’ll shut up now lol ! If that poor girl gets faced with this situation again from her horrid father (as that's what he is from what I've read about him) I hope she has the guts to stand up to him and have the courage to live her life as it suits her...
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
17 Dec 08
You have commented it on the dot. I do agree with most of your points that when one is forced, there are chances of marriage going hay wire and even separation. The girl did show the courage initially, however, she agreed later on. However, an anti-climax took place, it was perhaps boy's side who rejected the proposal. Nice to know that you are lucky to have very understanding parents, who gave you full liberaty to take your own decisions and showed full faith on you. Many thanks for joining and sharing.
@SViswan (12072)
• India
3 Aug 08
hmmm...more than the choice of the girl...I think there is too much pressure on her to get married to someone who is not her choice. If she does get married to the man....they would already be starting out their life together on the wrong foot. Personally, I agree that age does not matter in a relationship....and also the amount of hair a person has is also of no importance. But I also know I always thought differently than a regular Indian woman my age. But I also feel that if the girl feels that she cannot be happy with such a person...and no amount of persuasion has worked, then it is better not to force her because her opinion will not change even after marriage. My husband is 7 years older than I am...and I never thought of it as a problem....but my sister insisted that a 7 year age gap is too much for her to handle and she didn't want to marry anyone who was more than 4 years older than she is. My parents respected her opinion and her husband is only 3 years older than she is. From the situation you have mentioned...the girl has no other option than to follow her father's instructions...doesn't matter what we think is the right thing to do. I also think that there might be some hope for the girl...because her father allowed her to study further where her brothers were not allowed to even complete graduation. Maybe she will be able to convince her father with a little more effort....put it across to him that it is not marriage that she is against...but marrying this person is what she is not comfortable with.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 08
Things are taking shape, as you have imagined. The talks are still going on and girl appears to have accepted the fact that she has to bow before her parents' choice. I will let you in 2-3 days, what happened to the case.I have also told her to take the match with positive attitude and she should ignore the age difference, if other things are in her favour. Many thanks for joining the discussion.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
26 Jun 08
I think its the situation many girls face in opur country. it is really something the parents to come to age with,. why they force their children to marry someone of their choice? its the life of the children, not them. Its true parents want good for children, but it should not always gurantee so,. how can I live my life with a person i do not feel comfortable with? 10 year age gap is big according to me, thjat too when you have no idea about the guy.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
26 Jun 08
Only thing is the girls lives in a very conservative family, where it is difficult to confront her father. Her parents are stubborn and I see no hope for her and she may be forced to marry that particular guy, against her wishes and a forced marriage may not turn out to be a happy marriage. Many thanks for your opinion.
• United States
26 Jun 08
Tell her to move out from under her fathers thumb and make her own decisions.She is more then old enough,it would be a shame to have her family turn their backs on her which they may.However why should she live her life in an unhappy marriage,probably with a guy that will be just as overbearing as her father.She has every right to go find her own happiness,men do not rule the world. Jas
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
26 Jun 08
Only thing is the girls lives in a very conservative family, where it is difficult to confront her father. Her parents are stubborn and I see no hope for her and she may be forced to marry that particular guy, against her wishes and a forced marriage may not turn out to be a happy marriage. You are right that she has every right to say her opinion, but no one perhaps is listening.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
25 Jun 08
Gee this is a really tough situation. If I was in here shoes I would not marry someone whom I do not love. It is obious she does not have any feelings for this guy what so ever, it would be such a shame to marry someone you don't love and have an unhappy life. However it sounds as though if she doesn't agree then her family may disapprove of her and may not speak to her again. It is hard for me to put myself in her shoes as I come from a completely different culture with different beliefs. In Australia we get to choose our own future husband. However in saying this, this happened to my mother. She is Indian as you know and she was supposed to have an arranged marriage. Her family is very religious (Hindi) and they wanted her to have this arranged marriage. My mother refused and fell in love with my father (White - New Zealander). They moved from England to Australia to marry and be together. Her father disowned her at the time and did not speak to her for 6 years. Now though they have reconciled, luckily. I am so lucky my mother made her own choice otherwise I would not be alive. I do know she was in love with my father however their marriage ended 6 years later. But atleast she made her own decisions.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
26 Jun 08
Kiran, Many thanks for throwing light on the issue through your own experience. Only thing is the girls lives in a conservative family, where it is difficult to confront her father. Her parents are stubborn and I see no hope for her and she may be forced to marry that particular guy, against her wishes and a forced marriage may not turn out to be a happy marriage.
@apsara60 (6612)
• Israel
25 Jun 08
Deepak the way you have explained this family, to me this father , the head of the family, is just like Hitler. If his sons could not fight for their rights, and got married against their chocices then forget about the girl. This girl could have stood against her father if she was supported by someone in the family.....but as per your explanation it looks like the whole family is afraid of him so now what can I say.....another victim of old Indian customs where girls have no right to choose anything..I think the girl is left with not much choice but to accept the fate silently or she can surprise everybody by taking a strong step against her father. Then she should be ready to die........she will have to become jaisi ki rani.......does she has so much courage.........I doubt........its man's world....at least in India..........
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
26 Jun 08
It appears to me that no body is prepared to listen to girl's choice and ultimately they will put so much pressure on her that she will end up marrying a man, whom she did not approve. It is the internal matter of that family so we even cannot intervene on girl's behalf. It is perhaps called fate.
@sweety_81 (2129)
• India
15 Dec 08
I feel that the girl should resist the moves of her parents . I do not think they can get away by forcing something on her. It would no doubt be difficult . Yet ; it is her life and she has to live it ;not they . So;her parents should also see her reason and act according to her wishes. Regards Sweety_81
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
17 Dec 08
She resisted initially, but ultimately the issue did not materialised.
• Indonesia
26 Jun 08
This is a hard situation. I mean, normally, if any of my friends tell me that their parents do not approve of their boyfriends or something like that, something like this, I would tell them that their parents will eventually find out what you love, and what matters the most is your happiness. Now, with you story, it is obvious that her parents will never hear her talks, her reasons for not wanting to marry the guy. There is no other way to choose between the two: - follow her parents' instruction and marry the guy, she might end up happy or miserable, or - say NO to her parents', leave the house, make a living on her own and pray that someday her parents will forgive her, she too might end up happy, or miserable. That's the best I've got for this situation. Good luck.
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
27 Jun 08
Many thanks for such a wonderful and considered response. I liked it very much. Option first - "follow her parent..." appears more practicable and feasible to me. Hope her would be hubby and in-laws turn out to be good fellows.
@Hatley (164629)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Jun 08
dpk thats a tough situation and I think sheneeds to find a friend who will stick by her as she tells her parents she does not want to marry this older guy. she wants to find her own mate and marry for love. She may have to go on her own to a different country if they insist on farming' her out to some old guy. here in the USA we marry for love and do not have arranged marriages.
@dpk262006 (56225)
• Delhi, India
26 Jun 08
Only thing is the girls lives in a very conservative family, where it is difficult to confront her father. Her parents are stubborn and I see no hope for her and she may be forced to marry that particular guy, against her wishes and a forced marriage may not turn out to be a happy marriage. You are right when you say that marriage should be for love not it should be arranged marriage, but in Indian society, many marriages are 'arranged' by respective parents, though with the consent of their wards.