My grand sons friend

@bdugas (3581)
United States
June 26, 2008 2:07pm CST
I have a grand son who turned 21 in February, Matt has son serious problems, he was molested by his grandfather on his dad's side when he was small. And it has made a real problem in his life, he has one friend now, and that friend is no good for him. Matt finally got a job and was working and could get his own apartment, we was so pleased he was growing up and going on with life. Then along comes this friend and going there all the time drinking and raising hell he finally got Matt evicted. Now after months of him being on the street, he has a new job, or should I say had a new job and a new apartment and he has not been in it a month and that friend is back again, same story, took a bunch of guys there they destroyed his bed, taking the booze and making a noise so that the other tentents complained. Also now Matt has not gotten up to go to work and I guess he has lost this job which he called his mother and wanted to know about money for rent the first of the month. The friend's family are loaded and keep this boy at home and pays for trucks when he wrecks them, and when Matt gets thrown out he goes back home. He isn't in the street like Matt is. My question how do we make Matt understand that this guy is not his friend and that he keeps getting thrown out because of him. Although he is 21 he does not understand on a 21 year old level. What will it take for him to understand that this is not a friend but someone that uses him when he gets the chance. Any suggestions, this boy is not 21, and he comes to the house to get Matt to buy the booze, we can not convince him that if this friend gets caught he will tell Matt bought it and he will be the one in jail. What do you think.
3 people like this
7 responses
@ellie333 (21029)
26 Jun 08
Hi, Firstly can I question why Matt cannot live a home with his parents or even you especially as he is younger than 21 years in so many ways. Many children now live at home well into their twenties and this way Matt could be given guidance and obviously this lad that uses him in this would wouldn't be allowed near him to disrupt his life. Yes DISRUPTER is the term I will use for this young lad. Matt is probably grateful for the one friend he has especially after evetything he has been through bless. I think he needs to be living in a pleace where there is a live in support worker, they have them here in UK for young adults and they basically are self-sufficient but has a worker there to help with any problems, be it paying bills, finding work or general counselling. The most important thing is to keep him away from Disrupter. Has he had counselling because of what happened as they will also help to guide into the right direction and to also attract the correct friends into his life rather than the users and abusers. I feel for you on this one I really do but Matt also does need to try to help himself but probably isn't strong enough at present to say no to the lad. Another option would be to go the the disrupters parents and explain to them what their son is doing, they may not thank you for it but at least they will become aware and may try to handle him differently. Ellie :D
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Matt can not live at home because he has a violant temper, he has 2 sisters one 16 and one 14, he is so jealousof any thing that is done for them, he apparently is looking for all the attention and if he sees someone do something for one of the girls, if it is just make a samdwich, he becomes violant and hits them and kicks them, and upsets stuff in the house. He will not live with me because I have rules, he does not like rules. As for the disrupter's parents they could careless what he does, they had a fancy home, moved out built another and left the old house for him and his 20 year old sister to live in, but no one else is allowed to go there or live there. His mother found a younger man and she married him and just left the kids to find for theirselves, oh now she will pay the bills or se that there is food in the house as long as they go away and leave her alone, what a pathetic person I think she is. Matt has be through counseling and has sit in jail when he would not stop throwing things at his mom's I do believe that this with the grandfather is what made him the way he is. And you know because he was 2 years old and didn't understand the cops let him go, and because he has the money in this little town we live in. MY daughter after it happened refused to let him go there and they went to court and got a court order that said they had the right to have him on the weekends, money talks and that is what they got, but htey refuse to let him live there.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
27 Jun 08
I feel you you I really do. I suppose he has also had agnger management along with the councselling, unfortunately as every thing has been done that can be you need to take a step back and let him get on with it really. It is a shame but as he is 21 you can't insist he lives with you and the rules eh!. Ellie :D
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
26 Jun 08
Due to Matts problems in the past has caused him to with draw into himself,and does not trust many people,then along comes this dumb boy and shows him attention and it sounds as though Matt has fallen for it,hook line and sinker...He needs a friend but NOT this friend.The only thing i can think of is get Matt someone that he will listen to and make him understand that this boy is not his friend.I think probably couseling could help Matt.He needs someone to confide in other than a family member,and some one who can draw out his insecurties about what his grandfather did to him.I am pretty sure that this is the root to his problems and probably stunted his growth mentally...He can over come these problems with proper care...
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
27 Jun 08
The police tell us tht because he is 21 we can not make him do anything, my husband has some influnce over him and is trying to talk to him, maybeone day he will get it through his head. Yes I do believe that he has withdrawn into him self he don't trust any man, but this kid has such an influnce over him.
• United States
27 Jun 08
Well, The only thing that you can do for him, is try to support him, and talk to him kindly. I am 21 years old myself, and I know that when people yell at me, I am less likley to listen, then if you sit down and talk. Tell him as gently as you can that this person is ruining his life, and that there are soooo many good people out there who want to be his friend. I have trouble making friends sometimes, but you have to step back and realize that someone wants you, and someone wants to be your best friend. That person will come along too, when you least expect it. Just help him get his head on straight. talk to him before its too late.
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Nothing is going to change until he can get somewhere and talk about what happened to him at the hands of his grandfather. He needs professional help. This kind of thing never goes away, but we can learn to put it in the right perspective and move on. Not without some help though. What happened to him will just smolder below the surface and flare up every so often in bursts of anger and even violence. How to get him the help he needs? I really don't know. Who ever he is closest too needs to try to talk to him and help him see that it wasn't his fault and he needs someone to talk to that can help him sort out his feelings.
@fwangaa (3058)
• China
27 Jun 08
I am regret for this young boy.
@missybal (4492)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Oh boy, he sounds like my little brother. Good kid with some bad friends that always seem to get him in trouble. he does good for a while then it all falls apart. Honestly knowing how we have tried just about everything, there really isn't much you can do to get through to him. Really he needs to sit a few days in jail and it might straighten him out. That's what finally happened with my brother. Unfortunately my parents try to help him too much. He's 23 now and living at home because those friends got him in trouble again. It's going to take something bad happening to take him out of this rut if he doesn't realize sooner than that he needs to grow up. Mainly I would say don't bail him out if he gets into trouble. No money if you really need to help him buy him a meal but don't give him cash. He needs to sink or swim. I just pray that he doesn't get into anything that will hurt him for life. I'll pray for you, it's not something that is an easy answer.
@Hatley (164524)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Jun 08
I think that Matts parents need to take Matt back home to live until he gains more wisdom as he is definitely not at the mental level of 21 even tho he is 21, thus he needs some guidance and help rather than just tossing him out. he needs to be shown that the younger friend is bad news and that kids parents keep bailing him out. Help Matt by taking him home for a few years until his mental age gets a bit close to his physical age. he needs some help desparately.