THis Is So Wrong!

@ellie333 (21029)
June 27, 2008 2:41pm CST
My friend died recently and because her mother had a plot was buried there against her wishes of being cremated, but now to top it all the mother is now telling my friends distraught husband that he has no right to visit the grave as it her her plot and if she sees him there she will call the police for trespass, she also sent him a horrific email calling him a fat lazy illiterate so and so and that her daughter was better off dead than being with him. This is so bizarre, why is she acting this way. She was fine with him while her daughter was alive. He phoned me in tears last night and has forwarded to email so I know what he is saying is true. Do you think grief is a contributary factor in this for her to act so bad? There were a happy couple with no problems so wh now? If hse didn't like him don't you think she would have shown that while her daughter was still alive. She died young but there were no suspicious circumstances. Please she your thougts on this I am just gobsmaked by it all. Ellie :D
8 people like this
20 responses
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
28 Jun 08
People has different ways of dealing with grief. We cannot really blame the mother for acting is such a bizarre manner after losing her daughter. We don't really know if she is on the brink of a nervous breakdown or something. Since I do not really know the whole story about the husband, I cannot really make any reasonable assumption as to why the mother is acting the way she is towards him. Just the same, they should come to terms with themselves...
@ellie333 (21029)
28 Jun 08
Hi Yes people do act very diferently when dealing with grief and I like you hope it will all resolve. Maybe as they all got on she was harbouring dislike but never let it show and now her daughter has gone she it has come to the surface and the grief has been directed at him in anger. Ellie :D
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
28 Jun 08
Firstly, I think it, legally speaking the husband was the one who should have taken the responsibility/rights for the cremation/ burial. Why the mother came into the picture , maybe we would know better if all the facts were known. In any case it is absolutely crazy and insane for this mother to be doing this. May be she has gone into shock, there are a lot on instances that I hve seen wherein people have gone into shock and start acting in a bizarre way when some tragic event occurs.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
28 Jun 08
Hi yes I think it is grief that is making her be this way. I think the mother took over the arrangements as he was trying to deal with his own grief and be strong for the children as the youngest is only 5. Hopefully this will all resolve in time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. Ellie :D
@gemini_rose (16193)
27 Jun 08
I would say that it is grief, grief can make us unrecognisable to people, I have seen it happen within my own family. It could be that she blames the husband for it all, she is turning her grief into anger and directing it at him. If there is no other reason for this then it sounds very much like that is what it could be.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Jun 08
It is quite possible that grief is causing her to strike out at whatever and whomever she can. I am no expert in law, but would guess that if your friend was buried in a cemetery, this is public property and as such, the mother cannot stop anyone from visiting the burial site. Unfortunately, there is no real answer on how to handle this situation. I would suggest that the husband ignore all communications from her mother until she has had time to process her own grief. I will pray for your friend and her husband. May they find strength to deal with their loss.
@ellie333 (21029)
27 Jun 08
Hi Thanks rantingqueen, I will suggest this to him. My friend is now at peace but your prayers would be appreicated for her husband who is also a friend of mine at this time of loss. They have a young daughter too who is only five and now without a mother so strenth for all who have been affected by this would be great. I appreciate your response. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
28 Jun 08
My first thought is that your friend was an only child, or only daughter? The mother, in her grief, has become very possessive of her, but that doesn't help your friend's husband and family. The words are aggressive, but I feel that in his own grief, it's best for the hubby to avoid any sort of contact or conflict with the mother for a while... she'll only pull him down deeper into the darkness he's experiencing at the moment. I'm wondering why, if the hubby, as next of kin, was not allowed rights in the choice of her burial, or cremation, and if she had a will which expressed her wishes, these were not followed. I'm sure there's some law against what the mother did. Whatever... it's all a very sad state of affairs, my friend, and I can understand why the hubby is so distressed, as he's lost his wife in more ways than one here, and at the same time, lost his rights to visit her place of rest and talk with her when he feels the need. He must be absolutely heartbroken. What I'm about to suggest may sound a little harsh, and heartless at this sad moment in time, but my beliefs lead me to think this way. Hubby and indeed the kids need time to grieve, but I would fight for my rights here, and wouldn't give up until I gained back my power of direction on this. It would be bad, at this stage, to exhume her from her present burial place, as everybody has said their goodbyes, and to be frank, there is nothing left of your friend in this place. So, if the hubby can manage to understand that this is not where her spirit is, he will perhaps find her again... maybe in some place where they liked to go together, or maybe even in the home they shared. She's around her family somewhere, I'm sure, and he should try to contact her. You will know what I mean, and I think you have a way of telling him this, and helping him come to terms with the fact that all her mother is holding onto is her earthly shell? Your friend, on the other hand, will be none to pleased that her mother took over here and worked against her wishes, so I doubt her spirit will ever be where her final resting place was made. When K's mother passed, she came to me, as I told you, and willed me to write a poem. I don't share this poem with many people, but I think it might help your friend here. The first verse may not be appropriate, but they are the parting words of a mother's spirit, and I'm sure they could apply through the eyes of a wife to her husband and children. I'll send it to you, my friend, and let you decide whether the words might help your grieving friend. Got to stop here... tears are coming... you know how emotional I can be, my friend, but suffice to say that these words came from one who was on her journey into the Otherworld, and they mean a lot to me. Brightest Blessings... I hope this can cheer your friend's hubby a little, and help him come to terms with what has happened. xxx
@Darkwing (21588)
29 Jun 08
You're welcome, my friend. I hope it will help him as it helped K, to cope with his grief. I think the mother has certainly lost the plot here. What she did was inexcusable really, for she's not the only one grieving. I guess she feels that the hubby deprived her of her daughter's last years, and she's feeling a little lost at the moment, but still, you would think if she was that upset, she wouldn't have been capable of making such devious plans. Oh well... I guess now it's done, it's difficult to undo, and certainly amidst this time of grief. Huggggs to hubby and kids... they're in my thoughts, my friend.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Jun 08
Thank you, appreciated as ever. Ellie :D xxx
@Darkwing (21588)
29 Jun 08
You're more than welcome!
1 person likes this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
27 Jun 08
It could be grief. Or t could be that she never liked him and kept it to herself! I would think that the husband had priority when it came to burying his wife, not the mother! If it is a public cemetery, he has the right to visit! Most wives want to be buried with the husband!
1 person likes this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Oh, yes! Indeed, it is wrong but maybe she was in her "emotional" state when she said those things! A parenting book I received last year from the radio station program, "Childhood Matters" says that we should not talk with people who are in their emotional state!
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24983)
• Australia
3 Jul 08
It sounds like the mother is taking all her pain and grief out on the person her daughter loved most. I'm sure she will come to realise the error of her ways eventually. Meanwhile I feels so sorry for the poor husband. Imagine how he must be feeling? Does he have other family to turn to and commiserate with. This must be devastating for him...poor man.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
4 Jul 08
Hi MsTickle, It does seem that way. His own family are very elderly and living some distance away but I will be there on the phone as I live a distance away too. I think the mother needs professional bereavement counselling myself and I hope she backs off from giving him a bad time and goes and gets it. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24983)
• Australia
12 Jul 08
He needs to block all contact from his Mother -in-law as she is so poisonous towards him. He can visit the grave, she won't know if he's been there. The thing is though ...it's just his beloved's mortal remains in the ground, her soul has left her body. He doesn't need to visit her grave site to communicate with her.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
12 Jul 08
Thanks MsTickle, He says he feels nearer to his wife when he is alone at home when the kids are at school. Ellie :D
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Jun 08
I think that is awful the poor Man has just lost his Wife She has no right to stop him visiting the Grave I think he should get legal advise on this I feel sorry for him he should not have to go through all this I do not believe it is grief I know grief does a lot of things to People but not something like this Her Daughter would not want this as she must have loved her Husband and if the Mother does not like him then she is one good Actress in hiding it for so long I hope that he will get legal advise on the fact of visiting his Wifes Grave
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Jun 08
Hi Gabs I really don't think that she can legally stop him from visiting the grave as it is in a public cemetary but even so to be told he can't is extremely upsetting. I know grief can make people act in strange ways but this is beyond that and I really think now that she needs to seek professional counselling to deal with this before she hurts others even more. Bless him he is not only distraught at losing his wife as they were very happy together but he now is a single parent trying to be strong for the kids and the youngest is only 5. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Jun 08
Oh I am so sorry for him that is terrible And no she can't stop him and yes I agree that she needs help Yes I have made inquiries she can not legally stop him at all the Police will laugh at her
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Jun 08
Hi Gabs Thats good to know for sure, thank you for looking up for me, appreciated. Ellie :D
@mummymo (23707)
30 Jun 08
ellie I am so sorry about your friend - I know it cannot be easy for you and that her mothers treatment of her son in law must make it more difficult! My guess would be that she doesn't even realise what she is doing, grief can affect us in the most unusual ways , not that that makes it any easier for you or your friends husband. I do hope that things calm down and that she can make amends to him and they can work through their grief together. Hugs xxx
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
30 Jun 08
Hi Mummymo, I think this woman needs some serious counselling, it is as if she is blaming him in some way and he is dealing with enough at the moment because as well as his own grief he is being strong for the children the youngest is only five bless. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23707)
30 Jun 08
I agree with that Ellie! She probably needs to blame someone and he is the easiest target but that isn't going to make life any more bearable for her son in law or grandchildren! I do pray things will get better for them soon! huggles xxx
1 person likes this
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
29 Jun 08
it is hard to say if it is grief it could be, but it is very bizarre.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Jun 08
Hi Winterose, I know people react differently in these situations and grief could be a factor but this is so nasty it is not right. I think she needs to seek professional counselling for her grief rather than to be doing this to someone else who is also themselves suffering. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
30 Jun 08
absolutely
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jun 08
It doesn't matter if it is grief or not...she has NO right to say such horrible things to a man who took care of her daughter! And it is SO cruel that she will not allow him to visit her grave site, he needs to get some legal help. Was your friend's wish written down on any formal documents? It is really cruel that her own mother would go against her wishes after her passing. There is probably a REASON she didn't want to be buried like that. There's always reasons to decisions like these, and...I am just angry for you and her poor widower!
• United States
30 Jun 08
Wait!? So the grave is not on the mothers land? It is in a public cemetary! Than he can defenaitly visit it! And I agree, she shouldn't have any legal right to deny him from visiting his wife's grave! If he can afford it, he can at least get a lawyer to scare her!
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
28 Jun 08
This is indeed wrong. And she shouldn't curse him like that. However, having said that, I would like to give her benefit of doubt since she's lost right now having losing her most precious thing! I just pity her but if this continues, she will need help.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Jun 08
I think she definately needs bereavement counselling of some sort because this reaction is just too weird. Ellie :D
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
30 Jun 08
Yes she does. Let's hope that she comes out of this.
1 person likes this
@roanne05 (1292)
• Oman
13 Jul 08
well, as per everybody said, i also believe it is grief that makes her that way. just prayers.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
13 Jul 08
Hi Roanne, Yes grief does make people act very strangely. Thank you for your prayers, much appreciated. God bless them all at this sad time. Ellie :D
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
28 Jun 08
That is awful. It should have been up to her and her husband to choose where she was buried and how she was buried. I would not like it if my mom told my husband what to do. I decided on cremation also and do not wish to be shown. I do not want to be buried anywhere but with my husband also. I think the mother should have let her wishes be.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Jun 08
Hi Steph, I agree with you on this but the mother just took over and is now being very nasty and even grief over her daughter is no excuse for this. The mother should have respected her daughters wishes. Ellie :D
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
28 Jun 08
i think grief has a factor in the way the mother reacted like that... but i still think that it is very unreasonable for the mother to act and say like that to her son-in-law... i think the hubby is also very upset and she has to be tolerant to his feelings as well... i will be very upset if that happens to me... i hope your friend's hubby will feel better soon... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@loujac3 (1188)
• United States
28 Jun 08
People say and do strange and things under stress. It is wrong for her to threaten the father in this manner. If they are separated or divirced then she or he can wait far enough away in the grave yard until the other is finished visiting the site and then take their turn. This does not mean that if she goes there and he is visiting the site that she should make him leave. She can be polite enough to let him have some time. I really hope that she gets over her mood and gets on with a positive life. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
28 Jun 08
Thanks Loujac. Yes people deal with grief in different ways and I just hope this situation does resolve for everyones sake. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Ellie :D
@jag003 (127)
• Philippines
28 Jun 08
the mother must be in such a state of distraught, it's pretty crazy...
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
28 Jun 08
Yes deep grief can make people act very irrationally and I except this is why she is behaving in this way. I hope it all resolves for eveyones sake. Ellie :D
@littleowl (7157)
28 Jun 08
Hi Ellie-I know its nasty the way the mother is reacting but it could be griet that is causing her to act this way-though it could just be the simple fact the husband hadn't done what she had wanted about the burial is another reason-really I think she should see a grief counsellor-or it might help yhe husband too as he is finding everything so hard to cope with-bright blessingd littlroel
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
28 Jun 08
I think counselling would help everybody especially as she was so young and it was so unexpected. Grief can make people act strange but this seems excessive and very nasty. Ellie :D
• United States
27 Jun 08
Maybe there is more to the story.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
28 Jun 08
Maybe, as this does seem to be a very strange reaction to grief. Ellie :D
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
27 Jun 08
That really is odd, but it's not natural for a mother to have to bury her child, so I would think that grief has a lot to do with it. Even if her mother purchased the plot, I doubt seriously that she has control over who can visit the area. She may own that tiny bit of real estate, but not the property around it, meaning the cemetery itself. I can only imagine what he is going through, but the best advice I could give is to just leave her mother alone and let her deal with her grief, and hopefully she will come out of it.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
27 Jun 08
Yes I am sure grief has a lot to do with how she is behaving so irrationally but he is suffering too at the same time as tyring to be strong for the children as his youngest is only 5 bless her. No she can't stop him from visiting but this is how she is being. Some have suggested that perhaps she blames him in some way. Grief affects people differently so who can really say on this. I appreciate your thougts and input. Ellie :D