It's Only Me. I'm Only One Person!

@CatsandDogs (13964)
United States
June 29, 2008 5:15pm CST
Why do I have to be the only daughter of my parents? The reason I say that is because I'm so worn out that after the phone call from my dad, I laid on the kitchen floor and cried and cried. My sweet cat Gracie kept nudging me hoping to cheer me up and she did. I let her know that mommy is ok and that I love her. Dad told me that mom fell again. I'm at home obviously on a much needed break. I can't do this alone but yet I have no choice!! I'm at my breaking point, can't you tell? I need help!! I'm so tired!! The past two months have taken a toll on me and I'm worn out. I have to go back to my parents house first thing in the morning to be with mom to be sure she doesn't fall again. I don't want to go back but I have to. My house and any appointments to be made are on the wayside once again. I have a toothache, I need to get hearing aids but both will have to wait again. It seems dad can go to his and hubby goes where he's needed but I can't. Dang it! IT'S NOT FAIR!! But every one is at least 4 hours away. As for family, it's just my husband and I and my parents. That's it!!
11 people like this
20 responses
@teison2 (5924)
• Norway
29 Jun 08
A hug for you Is there no help to be had from the government? here one would get home nurses, a short term stay somewhere so you'd get rest. something like that. Or volunteers that could help you a bit so you at least get to take care of your appointments? I know this is really hard, and I'll be thinking about you, and hope you get help.
5 people like this
@teison2 (5924)
• Norway
29 Jun 08
Thank you I really hope the Church and your aunt will be able to help you. It is so bad that you do not get any help from the government. Thank God there are Churches and other organization that may
3 people like this
@Polly1 (12649)
• United States
29 Jun 08
I feel that way sometimes. Its normal, its understandable, and your right, its not fair. I have been in your shoes before, maybe not exactly but very similar. My moms health is not real good and I am the only one here. I have two sisters but they live far away. I live in Ohio, they live in Virginia and Florida. I am the only one here to help when its needed. I am the one here to go with her for doc appts. I am the one that goes with her when she has to have surgery or procedures. I am the one who goes and stays with her when she gets out of the hospital. I am the one that worries sometimes what am I going to do if she needs someone to live there with her. She doesn't have any other help, other then me. She is single, I am a widow. I am sure she would love it if I moved in with her. I can't see myself doing that. I do have a life too, I have my own home. I love my mom and if I had too would stay with her. I really don't want to and then sometimes I feel guilty about it. Don't feel bad, you are normal. Your overwhelmed with everything, you have alot to deal with. You have been thru alot emotionally too. Hang on hun, try to get more sleep and try to slow down. You are only one person, so what you can and leave the rest for another day. Take care, I will keep you in my prayers. How is Bobo, I hope he is doing better. I haven't been on much the last few days so I don't know if there has been an update.
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Jun 08
You've said my feeling EXACTLY!! I want to help her but I have a life too and I don't want to live with her either for I have my own home and I feel awfully guilty for it too!! Look at the response I put up just above yours please, you'll get a better idea of what the whole picture is. I should've added too that my nephew is renting their old place and wanted to buy it and still does but he just got married on the 26th of April and his wife already wants a divorce!! Now he can't afford to buy the house alone so now what is going to happen? We don't know. Supposidly they did put it back on active with the realestate company but being the way the housing market is... who knows when it'll get sold! Anyway, one other reason I don't want to stay with them is because I can't hear very well at all. I'm almost completely deaf and it's getting worse and worse as time goes by. Mom talks like a mouse and I can not hear her unless I'm up in her face. Sometimes she gets exasperated over me but d@mn it! I can't help it!! Does she think it's easy for me? Hell NO it's NOT!! And with her being sick as she is, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her. As the saying goes which holds true here, "When mom isn't happy, ain't no body happy!" I can't turn on the tv out of fear it'll be too loud, dad doesn't like the closed caption but doesn't complain but I know this because he's called me when I was home to ask how to turn it off!! So it makes me so self conscience over having it on while there! I'm not trying to paint a horrible picture here but the truth. I have my own home that I want to be at, where I feel most comfortable in but I have to be there or forever feel the guilt that I know I'll feel!! I can't handle that!! Mom taught me to be sensitive and caring and giving and think of others before myself and put yourself in others shoes and on and on and on..... She's very grateful that I'm there to help her and grateful for all I've done or my husband has done but dang, I'm only one person, I need to go home!! (I am home now but I'm going back tomorrow after I make an appointment with the dentist)
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I'm sorry!! I forgot to add, Bobo is doing a lot better! He's able to walk without falling over but he's a bit lopsided still. He's so depressed because he can't go outside. We've taken him out on a harness which has made his day but we can't stay out for long for we have things to get done too. I feel terrible for him but it has to be this way for he can't run fast enough to get away from a pretator or defend himself should the need arise. But we take him out when we can and stay for about an hour or so. Thanks for asking!!
@Polly1 (12649)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Oh I am so happy he is doing better. See, look at him getting better as a sign that things are going to get better. You have been thru the wringer, you will get thru this and things are going to get better. Think positive, I know its tough when the world is crashing down around you. Do what you can to pamper yourself and take care of yourself. Hang in there and when the going gets tough, come on and see us on mylot. We will pick you back up, set you on your feet and listen when you need us too.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (44036)
• United States
29 Jun 08
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I do know what you're going through and it was actually worse for me when I was going through all the "lovely" events with my mother...as it really was just me...my mother was an only child, me an only child, when she got ill she refused any outside help like a visiting nurse..so it was just me handling everything...oh, what fun...NOT. There were days I just wanted to pack up, pick up and LEAVE..But I survived it all somehow..how I don't know but I did..and so will you so will you
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Hi pye... I've typed up two long responses above yours, will you read those for it'll tell you the exact same thing I'd tell you. I'm so at my wits end and mentally and physically worn out.
@GardenGerty (96663)
• Marion, Kansas
29 Jun 08
You go on doing what you have to do and keep on , because that is in your nature. It does seem unfair. I lived through a year of a terminally ill husband, even in the nursinghome I was there 22 hrs. daily. Is there any way you can get some respite care, home health aides or something? Does medicare/medicaid cover that for your mom? Do they have any church affiliations? If I lived near you, I would come and help. I know how you are feeling, or at least nearly so. Other ill and dementiaed family members lived near us or stayed with us and all I could do was say "This too shall pass" and get up and go on. Hugs to you, honey, and come on here and post if nothing else.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
GardenGerty, I've typed up two long responses above yours, will you read those for it'll tell you the exact same thing I'd tell you. I'm so at my wits end and mentally and physically worn out. As for mom's church, I'm going to call and see if there's any volunteers to help me out. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for the hugs and the feeling of knowing that you care!! Hugs to you too my dear friend!
@deebomb (15323)
• United States
29 Jun 08
I can see that you are having a very difficult time. Doesn't North Carolina have an office on aging. I do know that there have been people here in south Carolina that have had home nurses come in to give baths and other help. It may be just a case of finding the right agency for you to get help with your mom. Just keep bugging them and keep looking. Try a senior citizen center. They may be able to direct you in the right direction too. I hope you get some relief soon. Your right It's just not fair for one person to have to handle the whole load.
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
There are nurses and physical therapist and occupational therapist but I'm not sure what exactly they're doing for her. They come, take her blood pressure, check her heart rate and then talk to her, that's it!! I mean, aren't they suppose to help her get a bath?? Dress her?? Well they're not. Another thing, I've typed up two long responses a few above yours, will you read those for it'll tell you the exact same thing I'd tell you. I'm so at my wits end and mentally and physically worn out.
@cripfemme (7718)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Have you looked into getting PCA care for your mom. That's someone paid by the state to help her out with activities like you've been doing. I'm good at helping people get these services (as I'm a user of them myself). North Carolina is one of the worst states for such services, but I know some programs do exist. PM me for more info!!
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
What is PCA care? You have my undivided attention here!! Do tell!! LOL I live in North Carolina but my parents are in Virginia. You see, we're both on the border of each state so if NC is bad for those services then maybe VA isn't? Now I'll have to add you as a friend to be able to PM you so please do accept!!
@cripfemme (7718)
• United States
30 Jun 08
PCA care, stands for personal care assistance care provided by people you or your mom hires or you can have an agency do the scheduling and hiring for you. I have friends in Virginia who help people learn to do this, I'll give you the relevant info. Where your mom lives in Virginia will depend on who provides her services. Let me know how I can help! I live to do this kind of thing!!
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Thank you so much!! She lives in Blairs Virginia which is just north of Danville. Also it's in Pittsylvania County. I don't know if this helps but they're in a low income area. Or does it go by what they make monetary wise?
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
30 Jun 08
i too am an only daughter as well as an only child and i do sympathize with you as my parents get older, it will be harder and harder to deal with too.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
In my opinion, parents are selfish to have only one child because it deprives the child a sibiling to grow up with. That's not to say they won't fight for they will but they most likely will be close(r) when they get older and have each other to lean on when it's needed. I've tried to explain that to someone on here and they didn't get it. My dad was an only child and he hated it. I so feel for you when your time comes. I so feel for you.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Hmmm not all parents are selfish for only having one child. My mom wanted more, and miscarried every time. I didn't understand when I was a child begging for sisters, but I learned when I got older.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I didn't mean to offend you Tess and your situation is completely different, your mom and dad did try. There are so many others that stop at one child and don't try for more. That's not fair to the only child. They all should have a sibiling whether it be a brother or a sister because parents don't usually live as long as their children. I understand that we all may get married some day and have a spouse but something about having a sibiling(s) that's yours and yours alone. My parents had 7 children but only 3 of us lived.
@mummymo (23709)
1 Jul 08
Oh baby i am so sorry that all this is happening to you at the moment! I know it must be about the most difficult time both emotionally and physically you have ever gone through and it is no wonder that you are at the end of your tether and exhausted. I so wish I could be of some kind of help but I am afraid I am too far away! Please get in touch if there is ANYthing at all I can do! Sending you love and hugs xxxx
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
2 Jul 08
It's just now getting better mummymo, well in some aspects it is and other things have gotten worse, I'm about to start another discussion to give you all an update. Thanks for being there for me!!
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23709)
2 Jul 08
I will always be here for you my dear friend! I am off to look for your update - if I don't get too distracted! xxx
@tammyr (5956)
• Etowah, Tennessee
1 Jul 08
You are such a strong person!! I know you can handle what ever life throws at you. But no one should have to do it all alone. you need help. Tell hubby and Dad that you need to do these things and they will HAVE to step up!! There are many support groups.Perhaps something like that could be of help to you? i know we here at mylot offer lots of support , but sometimes you need to talk to someone who has been right where you are and these can help. They offer other resources as well. Children of aging parents; "a nonprofit, charitable organization whose mission is to assist the nation's nearly 54 million caregivers of the elderly or chronically ill with reliable information, referrals and support, and to heighten public awareness that the health of the family caregivers is essential to ensure quality care of the nation's growing elderly population." They have an on-line support group. http://www.caps4caregivers.org/ Friends' Health Connection; "links persons with illness or disability and their family caregivers with others experiencing the same challenges." www.48friend.org Perhaps there is some sort of help available locally. A Senior Center or Nursing Home might be able to assist you in finding organizations that can offer help.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Hi Tammy, I don't usually give out best responses because I hate doing so for it's like saying one is better than the other BUT I just had to here for you've given me some very good information and obviously, you went out of your way to help me here and for that, you deserve the best response!! Thank you thank you and thank you!! I most definetly will be checking the links out. In the meantime, I'm going to start another discussion in a few minutes to give you all an update. Hugs to you my friend!!
@tammyr (5956)
• Etowah, Tennessee
2 Jul 08
Thank you for BR. You know I would do any thing for you hun. You are one of my dearest friends. I may not 'see' you every day but you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I am always a chat or e'mail away if you need me! mwahh! (((HUGS)))
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16193)
30 Jun 08
I am really feeling your pain right now, and I dont know what I can do to help you and make things seem better. I wish that I lived near to you so that I could come and give you some moral support and maybe help take the weight off your shoulders. Although you are a good person and an even better daughter you really need help with this, it is way too much for you to be shouldering plus trying to run your own life too. You seriously need a break or else you are going to end up either having a breakdown or being ill yourself. xxxxxx
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Awww you're very sweet!! I wish you were closer to me too!! I did have a nervous breakdown last night in which I cried and cried. I had to take some medication for my anxiety to calm myself down and it worked. I didn't go to bed till well after 2 am and when I did, I slept like a baby.
@gemini_rose (16193)
5 Jul 08
Thats good, by crying like that you are letting it all out. All the stress and fears and anger, everything are being released, this will only serve to make you stronger. Sleep too is good medicine.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Ohhh I can sooo sympathize with you on this one. I'm an only child. Which was great at Christmas as a child but not so great when your parents get older. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2005. I spent the next two years caring for her. I truely didn't mind, but at times it was a challenge since I have my own health problems and am disabled myself. I would run her errands, do her shopping, cleaning and everything I could to help. I loved her, so it seemed right. But like you there were times I sat here alone in my own home (only 2 blocks from her place) and wished I could hide. I'd cry and cry. I didn't mind doing for her, I was just so damn tired. Like you I felt no one understood. But my mom sure did. She often would smile and say this isn't fair to you. Maybe it wasn't, but it was right. I lost my much loved mom to cancer last July. And while I'm no longer exhausted and running myself ragged, I miss her so. I know it isn't easy, but it is needed. You will be glad you did this later in life. The tough part is to get thru now. Be sure to take some time off. Even if its only an hour. I'd take an hour here and there to go swimming, or walk the shore. Anything to give my body and mind a break. And, ask for help if need be, or hire it done. You can only do your best, and only you knows where that limit is. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Not that I wish this on anybody but FINALLY someone who's been through exactly what I'm going through. The only difference that I can see is I'm a half hours drive from them but I wish I were closer for it might be easier for me. I have taken breaks and came home from time to time and I'm home now for good but it seems it's too soon and I need to go back.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
30 Jun 08
See I look at it the other way. Be glad for that 30 minute drive - because it may be the only 30 minutes you get that day. Living two blocks from my mom during that time period made it oh so much easier to call me for the tiniest things. Can you come over and switch the laundry? An hour later - can you come start a new load? Then, can you come call my doctor for me - even though the phone was there, she did after all just call me. LOL Most of the time I just joked with her about it. Sometimes I was frustrated but tried not to let it show. After all she didn't choose to be in bed with cancer. It will get easier, trust me.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
1 Jul 08
Oh Sweet I am so sorry and I wish I could be there to help you Your Dad is going to have to start taking a bit of responsibility there and not always count on you and I mean that in a nice way He has to learn that he has to deal with it and not always count on you as you do need a break and a good rest, if it carries on you will end up ill in hospital Big Hugs to you Sweetie and I hope that things will settle soon
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
2 Jul 08
I was always afraid to ask my dad to do some of the things because he has a heart condition as well as diabetes and just beat lung cancer so out of fear he'd have another heart attack, I took on more than I could chew and now it's gotten to me. I'll explain more in a few minutes for I'm going to start another discussion and update you all on everything. Hugs to you too sweetie!
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
1 Jul 08
Oh my! Does she have insurance? Can you not get someone in to help her through them? Call council on aging, they could give you some tips. Does she go to church? Would someone stop in for a while each day and help her some? You cannot keep this up! You are not Wonder Woman. There has to be some relief out there for you somewhere. If you need me let me know, I'll gladly talk with you. I wish I was a little closer, to give you a much needed break.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Thanks so much Thoroughrob, I really appreciate that but things are better now, thank God!! I'm going to be doing another discussion in a few minutes to update all of you on what's been going on these past two days...
@kenzie45230 (3561)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Caring for the needs of a parent has to be one of the hardest things of all. You really do need to find some help and relief. If your government doesn't have any programs, then I would check with some churches and other non-profits.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I was going to do that today but got called out to help mom and dad get her to the doctor. Always something going on that prevents me from doing what I need to do for myself. My husband did call my doctor today about the darn referral to the audiologist so I can get my hearing aids on the way but they haven't gotten it yet from my insurance company.
@EEBEAN (28)
• United States
30 Jun 08
CATSANDDOGS: What about assisted living facilities? My mother is in one and it's great. Her meals are prepared and she can either eat in the dining room or have them delivered to her. Her apartment is cleaned twice a week, her medications are given by medical personnel, and transportation to all outside appointments is provided. There is a laundry room on her floor. They are not coin operated and detergent, bleach, etc. is provided free of charge. There is a sauna room, a salon, physical fitness classes and recreational activites for every day of the month. Family is welcome at any time -- the front doors are never locked. We can eat with her and they have private dining areas for family get-togethers. The place is kept spotless and it is very evident that all staff really care about the people in their charge. It appears you are getting pretty stressed out, CatsandDogs, you might want to look into a facility in your area.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
You are very right about the assisted living idea however, I couldn't suggest such a thing for three reasons, they wouldn't stand for it because they like the country living life and they just bought a "new" house, dad wouldn't have it no way no how, and they have 5 cats and 2 small dogs whom they'll never part with which I can completely understand for I'm an animal lover myself. Thanks for the idea though for it was a good one but it just won't work.
@laglen (19782)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I kind of understand. There are four kids in my family but only two of us do anything. So atleast I have somebody to commiserate with. I am so sorry you have to shoulder this all on your own. I am sure this subject has been brought up and shot down but maybe look at an Independent Living apartment. They still live on their own, but have help at hand if they need it. I am sure your Dad is completely against it, but let him know that you can't do much more. As an added plus, these places are like resorts!
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
You are so lucky to have one to help you out. I wish I did and I'm not looking for sympathy but merely an outlet at times when I need it. You are so right about the assisted living, I couldn't suggest such a thing for three reasons, they wouldn't stand for it because they like the country living life, dad wouldn't have it no way no how, and they have 5 cats and 2 small dogs whom they'll never part with which I can completely understand for I'm an animal lover myself. Thanks for the idea though for it was a good one but it just won't work.
• India
30 Jun 08
Oh, I am really sorry to hear this. You posted this 18 hours ago. I hope things are much under control now. Yup, I agree it is tough for an only child to manage home and aging parents at the same time. Don't you have any friends who would help? Or maybe you could hire a nurse? Don't worry. Take cheer. Something good will turn up. Cheers and happy mylotting
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
None of us can afford any nursing care other than what she's getting now which is a nurse coming an hour a day three times a week as well as a physical therapist and occupational therapist two or three times a week. I don't know anybody in this area that well because we just moved here, hubby just retired from the army last year. My parents just moved four hours south of their old home.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Cats...Big, big hug! I spent 8 months caring for my mom every single day. i work 2nd shift and so went to work from her house after my neice showed up to relieve me. My 2 brothers did the nite shift. Even with all that help, I had literally no time for anything or anyone. I have a 14 year old that I did my best to find time for. It is the toughest task in the world to take care of your aging parents. We all did it for months before she passed. Have you contacted hospice? We used their services only minimal but they were invaluable in their help. If i were doing it alone as you are...I definitly would have used even more of their services. They will come in and do bathing and help with housework. They will also come in to give you some much needed time off. They deliver meds and do regular checks of vitals and are on call 24/7.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164743)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jun 08
catsanddogs you need some help from someone and now, can you enlist the help of a friend or neighbor who could sort of spell you so you could keep some of your own appointments? Wish i lived close by, I would be there in a jiffy to help in any way I could but I am over here in Ca so no help;.cannot your hubby spell you a bit so you can at least catch your breath. wish we all could come and help you. I am sending my prayers if that could help in any way.keep us posted. good luck and God bless.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I don't think my hubby or my mom could handle him wiping her behind when she needs it. The stroke had messed up her motor skills and she can't do it very well so we have to. She's embarasses enough as it is so don't want to push the envelope further. I'm going to have to go to my appointments because my mouth is hurting now. God only knows when I can get in for I'm new to this dentist because I didn't like my other one. He costs more than I can afford. I've typed up two long responses above yours, will you read those for it'll tell you the exact same thing I'd tell you. I'm so at my wits end and mentally and physically worn out.
@cncoke (439)
• China
10 Jul 08
Just cry,after crying,I think you'll feel better.Since you are the only daughter of your parents,you should love your rparents selflessly.