I can't understand my mom

@kharen (1488)
Philippines
June 30, 2008 2:01am CST
Often times...I don't understand my mom. All I see is how she treats us the wrong way. She gives us and buys us all we need and what we want and sometimes she just buys us things because she wants to yet I don't feel the real love she wants us to feel from her. All she does is call us her problem and she blames us for the hardships she had to live with just for us to live. Like me, I go to the hospital often because i have PNH so i often get hospitalized and she has to find blood for my transfusion and all of that. She blames me for being sick... All she does is blame us. She calls us sloth, good for nothings and problem makers. She calls us all those things. Someyimes she just blames us for things we didn't even do. Like when our cam corder's charger was misplaced, she blamed me and pulled my hair because i said i don't know where it is. She kept on blaming me etc etc and now she saw it kept in her things. How should i feel? without any intent. I told my father what she did because i was really hurt that time, they quarreled because my father knew i'm sick yet she did that. How can i understand a mother as hers?
10 people like this
41 responses
@kaezy_kulet (2465)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
why does she have to do that to you? Is she out of her mind? sorry for the word but a real mom who loves her kid would not do the things you have shared us..and especially calling you a trouble and blaming you for your sickness that's very awful thing to say..you did not want to be sick so why accuse you of being a trouble or a burden? she have to understand your situation and not blame you..and hurting you just because she can't find what she is looking for..that is really not right.
3 people like this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
actually my father is in abroad right now and her focus and mind is on my father. She has this fear that my father would have another woman there yet they talk and text all the time. She has all her focus on him that she doesn't give time to listen to us and what we did for the day or things like that. She doesn't have time for us. She's here yet so far far away..
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
try to talk to her..have a sincere talk with her..tell her how you feel..express yourself maybe your mother will change if you will let her understand what you are feeling..
2 people like this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
sad to say, we don't have the time to listen to each other.. :( we'd just end up arguing again.. i'm really not the kind of daughter that would open to her parents...not the type that would show them the tears i shed and the problems i go through and hurt me..
1 person likes this
@zhaosonghan (1039)
• China
30 Jun 08
you must understand your mom, she does it all for you, although you don't like it,your mom love you and she want to do something for you , maybe she has a wrong way, you should talk about it, say out what you wanna, i consider your mom will change for you, maybe it takes many long times.
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
your right.. i know your point. I guess I just want her to change some ways. I want to let her be happy but i don't know how. She comes home from work. I want to follow and obey what she wants me to do but she gets angry that easy so i have this pride too which then makes me be angry with her too and answer back instead of following her.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
Don't you think that your attitude is the reason why your mom seems to have a heavy heart with you? I know, because I also have a teenage duaghter. I love her so much, but when she displays her attitude (like if she answers back, frowns and makes faces)sometimes I really just shy away from her and find it so hard to care for her. I hope you'd think things over. Imagine yourself when you were still a baby, your mom cared for you and kissed you so lovingly. She took care of you and taught you things. That alone is more than enough reason for you to really try to understand your mom. Don't take things personnaly. She may just be going through a lot these days. You may try to be genuinely affectionate with her, maybe buy her a rose, then write her an apology letter. That worked with me you know. I treasure my child's notes specially when she says she's sorry and that she loves me. Makes me feel like I'm the most important mother in the world. I hope you can get even just a little bit of lesson from this. Good-luck!!
1 person likes this
1 Jul 08
i would say that you mum needs to talk to somebody about whatever is going on inside her head. she sounds very troubled and worried about a lot of things.. i am wondering whether she has any outside support.. other family....your grandparents, aunts uncles etc.. does your mum have a good friend that she can talk to? you both need that outside support, away from each other.. it is NOT your fault you are sick, but maybe your mum blames herself for your sickness.. get some outside help...because your situation isn't helping either of you.. best of luck to you.. i wish you all the best take care xxxxx
@elenahap (104)
• Croatia (Hrvatska)
1 Jul 08
Hello, I am a mother, and also I am a daughter.... My mother was not good also, she was calling me bad names, cursing me to die, blaming me for her problems, for spending money for my education, calling me ugly, and she was jealous when people were saying I am pretty. Me I was always a good person and a good student, causing no problems. My mother hurt me a lot, but I knew that being a daughter is not the only role in life for a girl...You have a lot of roles to play in life, and when you grow and leave the house you will not need your mother anymore, so you will not have to listen to all the mean things she says. Just be patient and...silent, just try to be good at school, and good person, and keep away from her as possible, so you avoid fights, especially when you see that she is nervous with her own problems. Then when you yourself become a mother you can become the mother you always wanted, a good, protective, caring, loving mother, that puts her child first. This will be your biggest reward for everything and your best revenge against your mother. Good luck and remember, patience!
• United States
1 Jul 08
elenahap, I totally agree with you. I also remember when I was younger (many years ago). My mother use to beat us. Back than they didn't have the law they have now. My mother used the belt on me several times, pulling of hair. And I said that if I ever had any kids i would not hit them. My oldest daughter I'll be honest I think I smacked her a couple of times. I smacked her on the mouth, for sticking her tongou out at me. and the other time I can't seem to remember. Now my youngest child I know I smack her one time. And that thing about this is when I asked them if they remember, they both say no. I don't want to be like my mother. You're right kharen need to stay away from her.
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
well, hearing those pulling of hair..smacking of mouth.. awfully bad to hear right? Yet when you're in the situation you'll also be doing the same if you can't control what you're feeling..humans have hard time controlling their emotions. it's human nature...
@cjgrooms (4457)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I doubt you will ever understand an abusive Mother. If she refuses to get help for her problem (and she does have a problem) then maybe you can go stay with a family member for awhile, if not and child protective services doesn't intervene and remove you and your sibling from that abusive atmosphere then as you finish growing up try to reminded yourself that it really has nothing to do with you, this is your mothers problem which she is mishandling. It in no way makes you a bad person or deserving of being treated in such a way. Never let her convince you that she is this way because of your illness or because of anything you are your siblings have done, because she is an adult and she should take responsibility for her actions-good or bad-and not try to blame children for them.
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
uhm..maybe you misunderstood.. she really isn't that abusive...but hse does hurt us sometimes specially or more often our feelings but we have all what we need and we are provided all what we want....
1 person likes this
@cjgrooms (4457)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Even if all of your physical needs are met that does not mean that you are not being abused. Emotional and mental abuse is as bad or in some cases worse than physical abuse (which you said that she sometimes hits you). Someone really needs to speak to her because one of these times she may really loose her cool and truly injure one of you.And even if she doesn't you are going to grow up wondering what was so wrong with you that she had to treat you that way and that mental mindset may cause you a lot of problems in the future.Anyway this is just my opinion and you can ignore it if you wish but i was raised exactly that way so i really do know what i am talking about. If you ever need anyone just to vent to you can feel free to pm me.
1 person likes this
@gicarlo (131)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
i suggest you need to know more about a certain topic in psychology in order for you to know why your mom is like that. If i am in your place, I will try to play with her how she would be pleased. Then maybe, that is the start of how we will get to understand well each other. If she won't understand you, then understand her first. She'll do the same later. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
there's 3 of us..so if i played her game but the other 2 won't..then the same thing would still happen again.. :(
@AshleyHasan (1025)
• India
30 Jun 08
It is very hard to understand mothers, but please dont think that your mother dont like you, may be because she has to take care of many things thats why she might feel frustrated some times and naturally the frustration has to be shown on children, most of the times it happens with me as well , you will be surprised to know this I will scold my 18 months old daughter some times, if she does any wrong or if I am in bab mood , I will scold her but later I realize what she knows about it then I will take her back hug and kiss, this happens with mother, mother has all rights on kids it is just that you are misunderstanding your mother, but mother likes you very much , to avoid this situations next time before she gets angry you try to console her or give her immediately what she wants or respond to her properly, you start loving her even though she scolds you , you respond it with love I am sure she will change after all she is your mom!
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
There are 3 of us so even if i act all nicely she'd still scold us when one of my siblings specially the youngest commits a mistake. When our youngest (6 yrs old)asks for something and she doesn't get it immediately..she blames everyone most of all my mom. Like for instance when our youngest comes home from school, i give her an hour rest then i start review her but she doesn't want to review so here comes all the screaming again. She goes to our mom then tells her she doesn't review so just to stop her from screaming, my mom gives her what she wants...watch cartoons instead of reviewing just to make her stop complaining that she doesn't want to review. Is that the right way to build up the child? pls answer..
@cbreeze (1209)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I'm really sorry to hear what you go thru with your mother. Something someone told me a long time ago helped. "You cannot reason with insanity." My best advise would be not to expect motherly love from your mother, because you may never get it and the damage of expecting it could hinder your health and hapiness. Draw from the love you get from other people in your life. Cherish that. Forgive your mother and feed your mind with as much positive input as possible to protect against the negative you receive from her. Don't buy into anyone telling you that you are to blame or that you are a problem. Life is the biggest gift God has given us. So live it to the fullest of your capability. If you can get a hold of any books, cds or whatever that lift your spirit and keep it up, please do so.
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
thanx for the advice..^^
@greysfreak (1388)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Wow, I don't completely know what to say. Because the way she treats you is just terrible. I can relate to it to a certain extent, but with me it's always been more from my dad. Most of my life if I got upset or cried I would get yelled at and he would go off, he definitely wasn't physically abusive, but very verbally abusive at times. And it was like I was expected to be happy because I had things, because he bought me things it was like that was supposed to make me happy. But the truth is, while I am grateful for everything I have, sometimes the way he treated me made me wish it was a bruise or something, because people can't seem to understand why you are depressed because of stuff people say, just when there is physical bruise. But I know something, I have gotten cuts and bruises before, and they heal and go away, but words and the way someone treats you never goes away. Anyway, I definitely think it is horrible the way she treats you. And if I knew how to deal with it myself I would definitely share it with you, but I just have to get through each day, and try to just stay quiet and try not to say or do anything that is going to set him off. Actually, I've recently noticed as my dad gets older he's not as bad, he still says stuff that hurts me, but my mom has been flipping out on me more for showing my feelings and stuff. I definitely don't think anyone should have to be scared of their parents or anyone else, but sometimes it really if easier to try to block it out and do what you can to avoid confrontation. (I know, easier said than done!)
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
well that's one of my major points.. being verbally and emotionally abused..
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
I have not been into your situation. My mother has mood swings but she doesn't do anything like that to me. I can feel the love of my mother. Your problem is not new to me, I have also a friend who asks same question as yours. She really can't understand her mother. She didn't even know why her mother, as she said, hates her. She cries every time they have quarrels with her mom. In my part, I really do not know what to say. I can't relate to such situation. However what I said to her, and I'll be saying it to you too, your mother has her own problem. I think your mom is also hurt of what she is doing to you and it's even harder to her part because she doesn't know what to do about it and how to make up to you. You need to have a heart talk with your mom. It may seem impossible but it is worth the try. Rather than you let all these things happen again and again. Know what's the real problem and try to understand her. :)
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
a tear nearly dropped with what you said.. i want to help her yet we're like on two far away planets trying to communicate yet we have a hard time trying to..
• United States
30 Jun 08
Oh wow, thats totaly not cool:( somtimes i do not undertsand my mother eaither. her thing is. i dont have daycare at the moment, she doesnt wanna watch my child while i work and go to school BUT she gripes ans gripes and gripes if i dont.lol. moms are confusing at times, im really sorry oto hear that you are sick:( None deserves that.. and its really low for your mother to blames thoes things on you. Mabey she is stressed out with it all?.mabey she needs a break. i mean yes its still not an excuse for doing the things she did but.mabey that will help her some... somtimes we just dont understand things and we never will, but i do know that we must forgive if you dont, and you hold grudges over things like that. youll be misrable and you dont really want that...
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
yup..it's hard to understand things you haven't been through.. i feel she's tired yet i can't think of how she gets tired of all of these.. what is she tired of? is she tired of us being her children? ..
30 Jun 08
I am new here and I am a foreigner. But I think every mom in the world is love their child. So I think we should try to understand them.After all I think maybe you'd better say "I love you" to your mon .
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
im not really the kind of daughter who would say i love you or i miss orally..i even have a hard time telling it to them in other ways.. i just don't know why im like this..or what personality i have..
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
Maybe your mother is just stressed out. I don't think that she really hates you. Sometimes, people do strange things when they are stressed out. I'm sure that your mother really loves you. She just doesn't know how to express her love well.
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
i doi think so too. It's just that i want to help her bring up herself but i just don't know how and in what way.
@subha12 (18462)
• India
30 Jun 08
it may be she is so much depressd with life. she is fed up with herself. it may be the case taht she thinks herself a complete failure. so she is acting like this. have anice talk with her and clear the air.
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
i think about this things you say to. I want her to open her mind and be open-minded. I just don't know how to tell her.
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
30 Jun 08
Probably your mom is stressed. She is like me where it is difficult for me to show affection to my children outwardly. She does love you as her daughter but she did not show it through her outward behavior. Please do not blame her for her little faults. It is her style of bringing her children up.
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
maybe but it hurts us..
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
i understand your feelings because my mom sometimes is like that... all i can do, is to ignore what she is saying and prove she is wrong,, explaining is not bad but as long as you don't raise your voice to her, and why you dont give her a letter? a letter that you can say what you really feel about her, and what really need from her...
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
i want to do that but i know that sooner or later, she'd use that letter against me when i make a mistake again...or when something has happened again making her blame me again..
@rane0328 (129)
• United States
30 Jun 08
U can't understand her, and u dn't deserve what she does to u. Look sometimes adults can act more childish about things then kids.. and it sounds like ur dad loves u alot and maybe she is a little jealous of that... or maybe she is just aggrivated, its hard to live with someone who is sick and sometimes u tend to blame the person even though it isn't their fault, i know my dad has C.O.P.D among other problems and it gets a little ruff when u have to run around taking them to doctors and what not... its hard on her, not that i am making excuses for the way she is treating u... just stay strong u will b ok
1 person likes this
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
it's okay..i know what she does is hard but all we want from her is time. A little time for her to listen to us a time for us to listen to her so that we can understand each other. But it's too difficult between us..
@dpk262006 (53822)
• Delhi, India
1 Jul 08
It makes me difficult to believe that your mom can do such an unpleasent things to you. May be she is under pressure or under tension and that she expresses her tense feeling by putting blame on you. You need to see the things from her angle also...and try to see youself in her shoes, you may be able to realise the situation in a balanced manner.
1 person likes this
@ahgong (10086)
• Singapore
1 Jul 08
From what I read, she seems to love you all. And to show that love, she showers all of you with material things. I guess the stress of having to face work, problems at home is making her cranky. Letting her rant would be one way to calm things down. Then approach her on what you feel she is doing wrong when she is in a better mood would help. I am sure there are days where you enjoyed the time you spent with her. With so many things on her mind now, she is probably just stressed out. Try talking to her about how you feel on her better days. So that she can see and know how you feel, maybe she may change her ways a little. Tolerance play a great part in family. Only with tolerance and love can a family function like a well greased machine. Perfectly! I do not know what is PNH, but I do hope you have a speedy recovery!
1 person likes this
@pinkista (892)
• Philippines
30 Jun 08
Hi kharen, you know what? After reading your post... I realized that I'm lucky to have a nice and kind mother. I'm so lucky to have her and she's my bestfriend. Anyways, back to the main topic. Why did she always blame you eventhough it's not your fault having that kind of sick. I can't imagine, it's just like a drama I've seen in television. Well, time will come your Mother will realize everything she does with you and the rest of your family. Its really awkard when you have those materials things yet you can't feel the presence of your Mom's LOVE. Aww. I hope you feel better now sis, just pray to God that she will change her attitude na. HEhehe.
1 person likes this
@msedge (4012)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I know even your mom is like that she still loves and i know you love her too.I suspect she was just pressured or under stress maybe.Sometimes mom can say and do anything to express their feelings.My mom was like that.She and my dad had encountered alot of problems before specially with finances.So,sometimes she yell at us or argued with our dad.But my dad would just keep quiet and said we just have to understand her because she has alot of stress.She was more affected with problems than my dad.I guess commonly women do.Perhaps you just have to understand her anyway, its not a worst that a mother did.If you feel its really too bad then i guess you should seek help from your dad or other people you think that can help you.
1 person likes this