My heart is broken. My father is the worst person in the world.

United States
July 1, 2008 6:29pm CST
Ok so, I need somewhere to let out my feelings and just vent. I am completely heart broken and I just think this might make me feel better because I am just so hurt. So I am 21, engaged, and I have a seven year old step son. I had been living with my father so my fiance and I could get on our feet. End of last year we ended up being forced to take full custody of his son because his son's mom went to prison for child endangerment. So we got out of our home and he moved into his grandmother's with his son, and I moved into my fathers. We just are young and were barely surviving before his son, and with his son our incomes weren't possible so we had to do this for a little bit. Well, my father is a piece of crap and has been my whole life. He never wanted my older sister or I when we were growing up. He was an alcoholic, partier and wanted nothing to do with us. This is apparently still how it is today because we got into an argument because I didn't clean something in his house that he dirtied right when he asked me to clean it, in which I said I would but I had a headache that day and wasn't feeling well so I wasn't in any rush to clean up after him like I always do. So he started calling me a piece of sh*t, and kicked me out. Our relationship is ruined now because of him. Because throughout my life he has continued to show that he don't give a crap about me, my older sister, or his grandkids. I just don't know how to feel better about it, i want to go punch him in the mouth and tell him everything I have always wanted to. I also have a little sister that lives with him and has to put up with his abuse on a daily basis, but he actually wants her, even though he wanted an abortion when her mom got pregnant with her, which my little sister still doesn't know because we have hidden it from her as a family to keep her and my dad's relationship together. Well, I am so upset and I hate feeling this was so I have to get this out of me, and here is a good place to do it because noone I know is on here...lol... My mother left my father when I was seven months old, she filed for divorce because he was mentally and emotionally abusive and was an alcoholic partier who didn't give a damn about him family. Well, he was awarded visitation rights on every thursday evening from 6-9pm. That's all he wanted and he was happy with that because it didn't interfere with his weekend. Well, my mom got sick of hearing us girls say we missed daddy and we want to see daddy so she took him back to court and gave him more visitation, now he had us every other weekend. Well, he was surely mad about this. When my older sister was four my parents lived three doors down from each other in the same apartment building. My sister decided to take her big wheel down to see daddy. When he answered the door he got mad at seeing her there, called her a c*nt and told her to go back to her mom. There was another time when I was little that it was his weekend and my mom and aunt were dropping us off, my older sister ran inside excited to see daddy, with her backpack in hand. My mom and aunt was getting me and my stuff out of the car because I was still very little, and my sister ran ahead to go into dads. Well, next thing they knew my dad is running out of the house screaming and yelling, threw my older sister backpack out into the front yard and continued to verbally abuse my mom for trying to drop us off to him for HIS weekend. This is how it was my entire childhood. He wanted nothing to do with us, and still has never apologized for his actions. Well, he started using me to get back at my mom. We would go over for the weekend and he would continually say mean nasty hateful things about my mom to us, call her a wh*re, sl*t, b*tch, etc... right to our faces, actually saying these things about our mother to us. I was still so young that I could easily be put down for a nap. So, on Sunday evening's knowing my mother would be there that night to get us, he would put me down for a late nap and let me sleep as long as I wanted. Then when I did get up, he would fill me full of pop and candy and sugar's and sweets, and then send me home to my mom. During this time my mother was working at least two jobs at a time and going to college full time while taking care of two little girls. Well, my father would send me home and I would be up all night, and I mean all night, wired for sound, bouncing off the walls, and my father thought this was funny, to not only do something hateful and mean to my mother, but to use me as his instrument. I honestly don't care if anyone gets through this, or responds to this discussion, although I would enjoy any opinions out there or advice to me. I just, it hurts so bad because for so long I held my father on a pedistal, I was so hateful to my mother and held him so high, which is the opposite of what I should have been doing, which I feel was also his fault because he fed lies to us every time we were there about our mother and how horrible she was. My mother is an amazing woman, and an amazing mother, she worked her *ss off to provide for me and my sister, and still continues to because we still struggle and need her help. I love my mother and she's the greatest mom in the world. My father is an ogre, a prick, an *ss hole, and everything in between. I hope he dies sick and lonely, and I will not be there to take care of him or comfort him when it does happen. He has brought on my hatred of him for years, my entire life he has been doing horrible things to me and my family, my entire life he has never thought i was important enough. I'm just heart broken, I love him so much and wish he would be there for me. It really hurts to know that he doesn't care one way or the other about me. It's not fair to me. Thanks for listening.
5 people like this
16 responses
@Wizzywig (7859)
1 Jul 08
You have been through so much in your short life. I hope that writing this all down has been of some help to you and that you will find the strength to make a better life for yourself. You have people who love you and they are the important ones now. Sorry, I can offer you no advice, I just wish you a future of hope and happiness. Take care.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jul 08
Yeah I will move on and get past this just like everything else. I am mostly upset because I love him so much, when I was a little girl I held him on such a high pedestal and he never did anything to deserve it. I mean he was a good dad at times, but no matter what he wanted nothing to do with me, my mother had to force him to see us because she wanted our father in our lives. I wish she hadn't, I wish she would have just let him not be there because then I wouldn't have to be dealing with him now. She should have just let him leave. It just really hurts to realize how much my own father doesn't care for me even though I have always loved him so much. Thanks for your response.
@lilaclady (28245)
• Australia
1 Jul 08
It is very sad that you feel this way about anyone let alone your father, very sad, but he is obviously a very sad and unhappy man, his soul is obviously bruised, everyone has a natural love for their mother and father but even these must build on that love. You must be strong within yourself, for yourself, make a good life for yourself with your fiance and now work on your own journey and be happy for yourself and the new people in your life...don't let your father bruise your soul and take something from him such as a lesson in life and make sure you do not turn too bitter because this will ruin your life and the people around you...take the lesson that is to be learnt and make sure you be happy...you owe that to yourself...good luck to my friend.
• United States
2 Jul 08
I can't feel sorry that my father lives a sad lonely life because he has done it to himself. He stopped drinking over ten years ago and has had plenty of time to change himself, treat the people who love him better, and become a better man and a better father, he just hasn't gave a damn to actually do it so I don't feel bad for him, you reap what you soe, and he get's what he deserves. He pushed both of his wives away, both of them left him for his ways, and he is losing his kids. He doesn't even have a relationship with his three and six year old grandkids, he doesn't even have them come stay the nite with him or anything, my three year old neice doesn't even give him hugs because she doesn't know who he is. This sad lonely life he lives is of his own choosing.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28245)
• Australia
2 Jul 08
I Know but the best thing you can do for yourself and the people you love now is not let your hatred consume you, as it is like a cancer, a negative in your life, you don't need that because you are letting him win, don't let him win...he happy and then that makes his negative way of life non affective to you....let the positives in your life stomp the negatives out....don't let the negatives in as they will fester....live your life in a positive light...you deserve that....
@shrestha1 (123)
• Nepal
2 Jul 08
dont be so heart broken luvinu617, i read your story and even i felt sorry for you in this case i think you should leave your father and have your own living started. you should get married to your fiance and violence doesn't solves anything i guess u jus have to talk to your father about this and straight...
• Nepal
2 Jul 08
i am really upset by hearing this all
• United States
2 Jul 08
Well, I do not want people to feel sorry for me. I just needed to get it out and this was the avenue I took to clear my thoughts. As I said in another comment, I don't feel I will ever be able to have an adult conversation about these things with my father. I know he will not sit there and listen to me, he never has, why should he start now. Thank you for your response and god bless.
@guybrush (4661)
• Australia
2 Jul 08
You poor soul, luvinu - your whole family has been through so much. Your Mum sounds like an amazing woman, and I think you should stand strong with her and support eachother. Together, you will be a force to be reckoned with, and can be firm against your father. I'm sure he DOES care about you and the rest of the family, but he's obviously a very angry person with a chip on his shoulder, and he's taking out his disappointment with his life on the ones who are closest to him. You can tell him you love him, but you don't like the way he's behaving. It's good that you have your lovely fiance - and you have to think ahead to when you can be living together again and making a new life for yourselves. You need to believe in yourself, and know it's not your fault your father is such an unhappy and haunted man. Bless you, and I hope your life improves soon.
• United States
2 Jul 08
Thank you for your response, it is going to be so hard to choose the best response for this discussion because I really feel so much thanks to everyone who has wrote in, to everyone who has taken time out of their lives to help me with mine, it is truly appreciated and I can never thank you guys for how much this has made me feel better. I started meditating last night, and was just thinking of how many things in my life has gone wrong, but I still have a great life, I have an amazing family backing me, a fiance who is madly in love with me and treats me like a princess, and I am blessed for what I have, sure I never had a good father but I had other men in my life that stepped up and were good to me. As far as my father caring, I honestly don't think he does, I know he loves me, he is my father after all, but he is so bitter and unhappy in his own life he only cares about himself. He has failed at life, failed at marriage twice, failed at fatherhood, and it's his own causing, his fault. My father is going to die alone, sad and alone, and we have tried, my sister's and I, to make this not so. My father refuses to change his ways, to become a better person, and that is why he will be alone his entire life.
@guybrush (4661)
• Australia
2 Jul 08
Take care, and bless.
@lynettebyc (2416)
• China
2 Jul 08
Hello, Luvinu, this is the longest discussion I've watched here in mylot. It takes me mintues to finish. I'm really sorry that your dad would act like that, if my dad behaved the same way, i will hate him too. So why don't you just live with your mother? As you said, you're 21 years old, you can get your own jobs with your husband and earn a living, don't live with your father. And will he change when he gets older? I am not sure, but it is always said that people will change when they are old. So old that he becomes lonely and needs help from children and the spouse. Then he might think of you and your mother and will regret what he's done. Leave him alone and let yourself get rid of that bad situation. And see what will happens, if nothing's change, just hate me even if he's your father, a father will not does things to children like that. At least, you have the best mom in the world, so cherish her and love her, ok? Good Luck
• United States
2 Jul 08
Well I don't live with my mother because she lives eight hours away. The reason I was living with my father was because we crashed and burned on taking care of ourselves when we had to take custody of my fiance's son. We were barely getting by just me and him and our beagle mix but to add a seven year old who eats like a horse and needs lots of care and attention and couseling etc etc we just couldn't survive so we had to move out and live with family. Since then my fiance had lost his job, and started college, and I was in a car accident so we ended up staying where we were much longer than either of us wanted. I wasn't living with my father out of choice, I didn't have much of a choice. I wish I could live with my mother but she's a few states away and living in a very small house with way to many people and pets.
• China
3 Jul 08
Sorry, Luvinu, I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But if I were you, I'd take the child to mom, although the room's too small, we can sleep on the bed made on the floor. And we need only travel once, 8 hours, then we can stay there in peace. Have you got any friends nearby? Maybe you can turn to them for help:)
@syankee525 (6295)
• United States
2 Jul 08
this is so sad.. some people only think about themself. specaily when it's a parnet. they are suppose love us and help us. i see lot of parents who treat thier kids like crap and then can;t understand why they don;t want anything to do with them. i know we shall honor our parnets but when they do stuipd things and treat you bad. its so hard. my dad remind this all the time. i tell honor as a parent yes, respect is earn. because you are my father don;t mean i should have to kiss your back side, i never kiss anyone butt and i am not to began. after telling him i am going to break ties, and actully went through with it. we started to talk again. and i also told him, if you want me to treat you like a man, that mean you treat me like a man. all we can do is express ourself to others, it's up to them to do with as they want. either way forgive him for yourself not him.
• United States
2 Jul 08
Thank you for your response and it is truly sad that so many people go through similar things. As far as the honor thy parent thing, being a parent isn't just something that you get, you earn being a parent by being a good parent. The bible says honor thy father and thy mother, but in my opinion father and mother, or mom and dad, or mommy and daddy, are to be earned, not just given. You have to earn the right to be called a parent. If you don't earn it all you are is an egg donor and a sperm donor. God Bless you and yours and I thank you for your response.
@Tianna2 (1274)
• United States
2 Jul 08
Hi Luvinu, I'm sorry that you've had to deal with so much hate in your life, I hope it helped you to get this out of your system. Sometimes I'm glad I never knew who my dad was. As I read this something hit me, why did your mother let you spend anytime at all with this jerk if she knew he was that bad? I wouldnt have let my kids(if I had any) spend anytime with someone if I thought it was putting my kids in danger. I know this is hard but the best advise I could give you now is to let go of your hate as it will eat you up inside. Try to forget him and move on. You have a long life ahead of you and you dont need to take that pain with you. I pray that you and your sisters can live long healthy lives without any future pain caused by your father. Big Hugs, Tianna
• United States
2 Jul 08
Well my mother never felt we were in "danger" with my father, he has never been physically abusive, I've never even been spanked by my father before. The way my mother was raised was to understand that both mother and father are equally important in a child's life and if there is a possibility of having both, that's how it should be. We all know it was the wrong decision, even my mom now knows she should have just let him walk away, but she didn't want us to lose our father, she kept hoping he would grow up and be a good dad to us, and in some ways he has been a good father to us. In many other ways he hasn't. Thanks for your response Tianna, and although I am going to be upset for a while I will get over this, I am a very strong person and I've been through enough in my life to know that I find a way to get through everything.
@jammyt (2824)
• Philippines
2 Jul 08
Boy, you've been through a lot. i do hope you feel better after venting out here. My only advise is to try telling yourself and start accepting the fact that your father is like that. May be very hard to do and it hurts, it is the best way to do it. You cannot teach old dogs new tricks. If you can get out of his place, live on your own. You are of age already.
• United States
2 Jul 08
I know I'm of age we just had some troubles in our lives. I'm engaged and he has a seven year old son who we had to get full custody of. We are young and were BARELY getting through life and paying our bills without him, and once we got him everything just fell apart, we just weren't able to pay the bills and have everything we needed so we had to move in with family, he moved into his grandmothers with his son, and I went to my fathers. I even had to lose my puppy because of this, so it's been hard, but we are getting back on our feet and hope to have an apartment in a few weeks.
@academic2 (7010)
• Uganda
3 Jul 08
Am really soryy about your story, we parents are sometimes worst that beasts, how could he do that to you?
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
3 Jul 08
We're still here. We've read it and seen it Luv. You have my sympathies as I've seen stories similar to this from plenty of kids and young adults, including some close and dear friends. Its a sad reality but it happens, and a lot of kids suffer greatly from it. Your father, excuse my words, was/still-is completely disgusting. I've seen some scum parents similar to him in the stories and outpourings of others. I really took exception with the reprogramming issue he tried on you as I've seen stories of it elsewhere with other children and adults. The link depicts the alienation that can happen with horrid parents - http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=2054. This isn't your fault as it was your father constantly programming this into you. I have to agree your mother is a wonderful person and I hope she knows you feel that way. She does treat you like you deserve to be, and you have some stability with her and the rest of your family. And now Luv, you can live your life free from your father's repulsive acts. Here's to your happiness.
@trell8402 (274)
• United States
2 Jul 08
OMG!! That's just rude. Plain rude how your dad treated you and your sister! Don't worry, he'll need you before it all over with. What would hurt him the most is if you actually helped him when he got down because he'll think of all the hateful stuff he did to you and feel remorse. Kill him with kindness. Or he could still be an old mean hateful d*ck. Sorry... *embarrassed* I don't know him, so I shouldn't say those things, but I still think it's RUDE!
2 Jul 08
I can understand ur problem as human being u feel great sorrow with him because u have spent a part with him as soulmate but he has to fail to understand ur feelings i appericita ur feeling that u left him
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
2 Jul 08
That really sounds a lot of heartaches! Anyway, don't take things too hard. Your dad is not perfect and he is bound to make a lot of mistakes in his lifetime. Don't be too hard on him or to yourself.
@James72 (26832)
• Australia
2 Jul 08
All I can really say is that there is no way you would want a child to have to experience the same things that you already have. Look at the way it has made you feel? Sometimes a leopard doesn't change their spots and to be honest; altho9ugh my Father may not be an exact fit with yours; he has exhibited similar repeat behaviours in other areas. I have chosen to NOT have him as a psrt of my life because he was given a chance with my kids and nothing changed. And there was NO WAY I was going to allow him to make them feel the way he made me feel for over 30 years. For the record though; I certainly do not hate him nor wish he be lonely and sick etc but I do pity him. I too tried my hardest to please my Father and had him on a pedestal also; but I was wasting my time. The future road may be long and hard at first; but the first step is to remove yourself entirely from this man and FORGIVE. It was a tremendous release for me being able to forgive. Your Mother sounds wonderful and may be your saving grace for now. Never be too proud to ask for help and to embrace it! Don't ever settle for second best because you feel there are no alternatives either. There are ALWAYS alternatives. These alternatives may not always be the smoothest path at first; but in the long run they will benefit you. Life is too short to waste time with people that drag you down instead of lift you up! And life has a funny way of working itself out too. I wish you all the best.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
2 Jul 08
i think you have done a great job but writing all down. it will make you something light in mind. in this life you have seen so much i guess. May be its a great lesson in life.
@Hatley (164743)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Jul 08
luvinu I am so sorry that your father was so mean and that'you had such a tough childhood. there are some men like that in this world and you must not let them sour you on men and life in general. I am glad you have learned that your mom is an amazing woman and loves you with all her heart. now you understand why your mom divorced him. take are. good luck and God Bless.