Will you share the money to buy gift If you can't go?

@subha12 (18463)
India
July 7, 2008 11:38pm CST
Actually this is such a situation that is making me worried. One of my former team mate is getting married. now in my old team, some other members are there. Taht Guy invited me as well as them too. One girl from that old team that day asked me over chat if I Can share the moeny with them to buy the Gift. Now main point is I am not going to that invitation. also they are planning to buy very expensive gift. What can be done? At current moment I am taking catre of my parents' treatment which is making me worried. Any suggestion welcome.
9 people like this
24 responses
@herrygs (133)
• Indonesia
9 Jul 08
of course I do, it's become my tradition. It's called "Ang-Bao", we give a red envelope with ancient chinesse letter written on it, put some cash money on it. Plus a wish for the couple.
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
thanks for the esponse. also for letting know what is done in your culture.
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21590)
9 Jul 08
Firstly, my friend, this is not something to worry yourself over. You have worry enough with your parents just now. Secondly, you don't make it clear as to how many people in the team are sharing the cost of a gift, but if it is something you can afford, then it would be rather nice to chip in. If not, I would politely explain to this person that you would like to contribute something personally, as you are unable to attend the wedding because your parents need care. I'm sure she'll understand. Thirdly, I would probably buy them a card, wishing them well, and possibly a small token of a gift that I could put in the post, or something I could send along with another team member. A nice photo frame is special, perhaps with their wedding date engraved on it, to hold their favourite wedding photo. It's something that will be cherished for years, and it's practical. I'm sure it won't cost too much, and will be appreciated greatly by them, as you're acknowledging their special day. Brightest Blessings, my friend. xx
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
thanks for the nice response.
1 person likes this
@anonymili (3140)
8 Jul 08
By team mate I presume you mean a work colleague? Over here in the UK people don't invite all of their immediate colleagues to their weddings like they do in India. Since I've been here (2 years now) 2 guys have got married and I haven't been to any of the weddings but I have organised a collection with the rest of the office staff for people to contribute towards a gift. Some people want to just sign the card and not contribute which is quite cheeky as far as I'm concerned and some may just put in £2 or £3, some will put in £5 or £10 and some will put in £20 - there is no pressure on how much to put in but on both occasions we managed to raise just under £200 for each of the guys who got married from an office of just under 20 people. From your point of view, you should just contribute how much you can afford to - it's the thought that counts. I have colleagues who are earning at least 3 times what I am earning and will fuss about putting in just £2 but I won't judge them - it's their money at the end of the day and if they feel that's all they can give, then fair enough. You should just give what you can afford and give from your heart hun. x
2 people like this
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
very nice response. its true that i should contribute what i can afford now.
2 people like this
@stella1989 (2277)
• India
8 Jul 08
If you were close to that team mate then you can give the money... Only if you really want gift that person. Again.. If your really want to gift.. If you don't want to then there is no need of sharing any money... And specially if you're not going to the party.. :)
2 people like this
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
I understand your view.
3 people like this
@bellaofchaos (11553)
• United States
8 Jul 08
Well if you were invited and you can't afford it at your current situation I would explian that as much as I would wan tto contribute one I can't go and two I have prior obligations that are taking a toll on my finances. But if you can afford it and you are good at crafts you might want to make a gift to give to your former team mate. Take care and I hope that you find a solution that is right for you in this situation.
2 people like this
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
I think they can understand my situation.
2 people like this
@whyaskq (7553)
• Singapore
8 Jul 08
A gift need not be expensive. It is a gesture of appreciation. If this is a special friend, I will not share. If the share is beyond my budget, I will also not share even if I am going. Decline the invitation to share if it does help you to cut cost. I am sure your team mates understand. Good luck.
2 people like this
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
thansk for very clear response. will try to adhere to it.
2 people like this
@yenwie84 (1345)
• Malaysia
9 Jul 08
In this situation,if the gift is too expensive,I will not share with them. Some more you said you are taking care of parents' treatment,so I think you just speak frankly to them,I think they will understand.
• United States
8 Jul 08
Well, if this was just a regular situation, I would chip in the money for the gift; but since you have the financial trouble, I wouldn't. I would call them up, congratulate them and the such: to show that you care, you know? So they wouldn't think negatively about it if they notice. But that's just my two cents, I hope it helped. -^^-
2 people like this
• United States
8 Jul 08
Just tell them no, because you can't afford it. I don't understand why people make such a big deal about putting in for a gift or buying a gift for someone when they really don't have the money to do so. There's no need of feeling guilty, just be assertive and tell them that you don't have the money to put in on the gift. That should be the end of the conversation. I mean come on, everyone has had tight times, everyone has been broke before. If you can't afford it, don't bend over backwards and try to contribute anyway.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18463)
• India
9 Jul 08
its really the straightforward way.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 08
And being straightforward is the best way in this situation. If you cave in and put in anyway, these friends will think that they can just run over you, which is never good. You don't have to be mean, just be stern and tell them what is truly going on, that way they will still respect you.
@Hatley (152621)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Jul 08
subha 12 You must not be afraid to tell these friends that you cannot afford a large payment on the gift so if they want to take what you can afford, well good if not tell them you are sorry but your family's welfare has to always come first. that is the plain unvarnished truth and I do not think anyone could fault you for that 'subha.
@williamjisir (22909)
• China
8 Jul 08
Hello dear subha. I think that you can tell your friend who invites you to share with her buying an expensive gift that you have some difficulty at present and need to have more money for the treatment of your parents. I am sure that she could understand you when she knows about your situation. Take care, subha.
• China
13 Jul 09
Hello dear subha. Thank you so much for the best response. I appreciate it a lot. Take care.
@candy2306 (577)
• India
13 Jul 09
Yes, I share if I'm not going. But the cost of sharing is also my concern. If it's too expensive, I get my own gift and pass it through to my other friends who are attending. I think, you shouldn't burden youself with high bills. Get something that you can afford for and give your friend who's going.
@rkrish (3003)
• India
26 Aug 08
Always gift has to be come out from our heart. If you feel the old team mate is friend and has to be gifted. You can share a nominal amount not the common amount being paid by others, if not you can provide a separate gift stating i could not able to attend the marriage may go to his home. If you are not interested, you can say politely i am thinking something different for the marriage. Its upto the heart feeling, If I am in your position If I like, I will give a nominal amount If I dont, I say will give him separately when i go to his house (bunk-say lie,escape) Ok
@secretbear (19472)
• Philippines
25 Aug 08
hi subha! i think there's nothing wrong with contributing something to buy the gift. i sometimes do that if i am not able to attend the party or the event. sometimes i would buy my own gift and let those who will attend bring it for me. i may not be there but at least, the celebrant can feel my presence. and its more advantageous if you share the cost of the gift with a few people. that way, you'll be able to spend less and save money.
@poohgal (6848)
• Singapore
9 Jul 08
It really depends on how close you are to that guy. In my country, the culture is to give red packet (containing money). Usually people give around $100. If they are not going, they will still give but will give slightly lesser. If I were you, I'll probably buy my own gift and ask my friends to pass it to him on my behalf. It's the thought that counts. The gift need not be expensive. You do not have to feel obliged to share the very expensive gift with your friends. You can buy him something which is affordable and meaningful on your own.
@dongsting (190)
• China
8 Jul 08
maybe you can call him,just tell the truth(you are not willing to go). I think it is better not to cheat others,first you can never cheat yourself. Your heart have already told you what to do,follow your it,or you will be regret and not pleased. Subha,I am sure you can deal with it. best wishes from dongsting! :)
@checapricorn (16072)
• United States
8 Jul 08
Hi subha, if there were many who will be sharing for a gift, I am sure it will result to little amount to be shared..We did that always but of course, we will not also choose the most expensive thing.. I will share if it is within my budget but if not..I will refuse and I am sure they will understand your situation...You can give your own simple, affordable gift with sincere greeting!
• Nepal
8 Jul 08
Well I dont think its a complicated situation and you should just think the purpose of the gift.Gifts are given with an open heart. Even if you cannot attend the ceremony, its a token of love that you are giving no matter you are present there or not. The person getting married invited you because he/she thinks that you are someone dear to him/her. I do contribute for the gift even though i cant attend. We shouldnt be selfish and think that since I am not going to the party why should i contribute for a gift? I really encourage you to contribute for the gift. After a month or so when you are with the group again, you dont want to hear from someone that you didnt contribute. Its sometimes embarassing too.
• India
8 Jul 08
Y dont you tell them you r not capable of attending the invitation, and so thats it, you cant pay? Did u tell them that ur not attending and about your parents and that u have to take care of them , and have no intentions of attending? Just tell them and c...
@4mymak (1796)
• Malaysia
8 Jul 08
i would ask very politely if they already have set how much are they asking each member to share.. if it is something i can go along with.. i'll share.. but if it is not.. i simply tell them nicely that i will prefer to get my own gift..