Managing the ex-wife?

United States
July 9, 2008 11:17am CST
I just got married to a man I've known for a year. This is his third marriage and my first. He has a beautiful young daughter from his second marriage and we get along great. I don't know if her mom is getting jealous, but i feel like she is feeling reget over leaving her husband. She calls him for stupid things like bathing her dog, jumping her car, ect. She invited us to a weekend party and when she was told that I had to work, she invited him anyway. He didn't want to go either, but she tried to invite him a few times. We had a date to watch the fireworks and she crashed it, even though she told us she had different plans. She claimed she was looking for friends, but never even attempted to find them, just plopped down with us. I wanted my husband to say "NO WAY" and he didn't look happy about her crashing, but she had their daughter with her, and he never passes up a chance to hang with her, and I don't think he should. I said my piece and than shut up and just dealt with the evening. I know he loves me and has no feelings whatsoever toward her, but I don't know if I'm overreacting toward her actions. She's a great mom and a nice person overall, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or give her reason to turn her daughter against me. Do I keep my mouth shut? Do I say something? Should I wait until she tries something else? Do I let my husband handle matters?
1 person likes this
4 responses
@Vladilyich1 (1454)
• Canada
9 Jul 08
You definitely need to say something and you need to start answering the telephone (or get caller ID). This won't get better on it's own.
1 person likes this
• Canada
9 Jul 08
Thank you Vlad. As my husbad, and yes I told quite a bit, I applaud you for jumping in here!!!!! Thank you so much for helping out a fellow first-timer with a pack of exes to manage.
@snowy22315 (56196)
• United States
9 Jul 08
I would let hubby know that you are not entirely comfortable with how much ex is calling and popping into your life. Tell him that you are not jealous per se but you wonder why she has to be calling all the time. You are probably wrong to thing he has no feelings. He may love you, but you really cant turn feelings off and on like a faucet, especially when there is a child involved.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 08
There are feelings on his part. Just not good ones. His first wife cheated on him over and over till he kicked her out. This second one cheated on him after 7 or 8 years of being married. She promised to try to save the marriage, but refused to stop talking to the online BF. She than kicked him out of their home, no money, and made the police think he was some sort of violent person and he had to pick their daughter up at the police station. He's still so angry but I think he just wants peace because its hurting his daughter. This is why I don't know what to say. I don't want to add to the drama...
1 person likes this
@Melitta (32)
10 Jul 08
I am my husband's second wife. First marriage for me. We have been together for 18 years. I dealt with my husbands ex for many years. For her, it wasn't that she wanted him back, but that she didn't want anyone else to have him so that he would be at her beck and call. My suggestion to you is sit down with the ex(just you and the ex in a neutral setting)and find out what she wants. Ask her point blank why she calls so much, why she thinks YOUR husband should be at her service when she needs him and why she thinks she can just pop over anytime she wants. Ask nicely. She may have "underlying" intentions or she just may think all of ya'll can be friends. If you play "the game" with her, then she will feel like she is getting the upper hand and will continue. Show her up front that you are watching her and you are not going to avoid her. She will either wise up or she may try to get sneakier about it. Either way, she will know you aren't afraid too call her on it and she will probably get bored with it. My guess she is lonely and doesn't have anything better too do.
• Canada
9 Jul 08
I am my first husband's FOURTH wife, and oh girl, I know what you're going through. What you do is you tell him that it is disrespecul to you when he doesn't stand up to your marriage. It is not his or your place as individuals or as a couple, to be her friend. My husband's one ex-wife has used their 16 year old son against him for years, but now the boy is "growing claws" so to speak, and standing up to his mother, refusing to be a pawn in their stupid game. HIs mother is a nice enough person, but like water and electricity, she shouldn't be involved with our family. I gave my husband all unholy h3ll one day when ex-wife said to take the phone off speaker because she felt I'd disrespected her, or a member of her family, or something, and MY HUSBAND OBEYED!!!! I'm still pissed off at him deep down for that, even though we resolved it. Wha I'm pissed at now is not the insedent itssel (like I said, we resolved it) but the fact that it happened at all!!!! My husband loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before, but he is way too passive when it comes to his ex-wives, most of the time. He's gotten A LOT BETTER, but I still don't trust him worth a $hit when they call, not because I think he has feelings for them (they are EXES and there is a reason) but because the exes know how to manipulate heir little sucker, and he falls for it. I suggest you enroll his daughter in councelling, so that she can understand any tricks that a divorced parent might pull, what her mother might do if her father annoys her, something like that, so the girl doesn't grow up as the pawn that my step-son did. She needs to learn how to handle the situation, so that her mother can't use her against you, WHEN you and your husband assert yourselves.