What do you do when a friend hurts your feelings?

United States
July 13, 2008 3:41pm CST
If your best friend did something to hurt your feelings, how would you handle the situation? Would you call her and try to settle the situation or work things out? Do you wait for your friend to make the first move and apologize?
8 people like this
21 responses
@AmbiePam (45048)
• United States
14 Jul 08
That is a tough situation. I usually wait a couple days and really try to see it from their side. I'm sometimes afraid I'm over sensitive. So if I can put it into a different persepctive, I try to do that so it no longer bothers me. If after a few days it still bothers me, I would call my friend up and talk to her about normal things for a little bit. And then I might say, you know the other day when.... And I would try to express myself without making them defensive. So many times people get defensive when confronted about things they may have done or said that are hurtful.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (45048)
• United States
14 Jul 08
I read your discussion again and now I'm thinking that your friend actually knew they hurt your feelings. If that is the case, and it is a mutual argument between you two, I'd wait for a couple days, and if she didn't call, I'd make the first move. But only if it were a very good friend. They are too hard to find in the first place, so sometimes I just swallow my pride. Hope it works out!
2 people like this
• United States
17 Jul 08
Thank you for saying so! I do appreciate your advice.
1 person likes this
@dhangski (3194)
• Philippines
14 Jul 08
I am really very sensitive when it comes to feelings. I do tell my friend, that I was really hurt. In that way, we could talk things out and go on with our friendship. If we don't do anything about it, I guess that would be the end. Which will really hurt us both. Happy posting my dear friend. HUGZ to you!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 08
Thanks for your lovely comments!
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
13 Jul 08
Hi Beautyqueen, I always confront the situation head on though it happens rarely, once a friend sent me a text saying someone had got married. I phoned her immediately and told her that I thought she had been very insentive to send me a text as she knew I still had feelings for him she immediately apologised profusely saying she just hadn't thought. We all do this at times to people we are close to without realising a lot of the time. I don't wait for them to realise and apologise ever and if I have ever done anything to upset someone I would expect them to confront me too. If I realise before they have called or told me that I have upset them I will say sorry immediately. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 08
I'm the same way! Matters always get worse when allowed to fester.
@somiran (189)
• India
13 Jul 08
i do nothing but make my work right way . do not any thing per mouth but but job i can say the thing what want to say her/him . of course not hurting him
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 08
Best to be a peace maker!
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12095)
• India
14 Jul 08
Though I think it's okay for a person to call and try to work things out...personally, if a friend hurt my feelings...I would just be quiet and wait for the friend to make the first move and apologize. I might ignore him/her till they make the first move.
1 person likes this
@ayessa (1586)
• Philippines
14 Jul 08
It happens to me years ago with my male bestfriend. We haven't talked for a couple of months during that time and just suddenly when we met again it just disappear all the anger and hurt within me and also to him. We even said "I miss you" to each other and then we found out talking some silly stuffs about that fight while laughing on it. I guess that was just a misunderstanding and if only we are able to eat our pride then we will not spend couple of months without each other so I guess communication is really important on friendship specially if one of you are hurt.
1 person likes this
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
14 Jul 08
Hello beautyqueen26, I will stop contacting her - for the time being until I cool down a little bit. Later, when I can think properly what to do next, I will decide what is the best way for our friendship. If I need to call her and seek for explanation, I will do as long as our friendship can be saved. But it depends on what kind of thing she did to me that made me hurt so much. If not, I will just let her makes the first move. If I think I am absolutely right, I will just wait for her to apologize.
1 person likes this
9 Sep 08
My sister-in-law recently hurt my feelings and it put me in a rather difficult position. We are friends, but not best friends. She is married to my brother, so we are now family. It makes it difficult for me to really fall out with her. I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose, but she has not really apologised either. I have chosen to "distance" myself for the time being. I still make a point of speaking and texting occasionally, but I don't go out of my way to suggest things like "let's go shopping" etc. I am just trying to let some water go under the bridge, and hopefully we can pick things up somewhere down the line. Normally when feelings are hurt it is my fault and I am getting better at apologising. However, I am the world's best at holding a grudge when someone upsets me and doesn't apologise. We all need to learn to be better at saying sorry. If everyone apologised straight away - and really meant it, the world would be a happier place.
• United States
6 Oct 08
I'll bet she doesn't even know she hurt your feelings. Did you say anything? I'm constantly holding minor grudges against hubby and acting sad and sullen and then he asks me why I'm mad. And that makes it worse, cause he should know, he's the one that made me mad! I have to learn to communicate with him better. Thanks for your comments. I'm sure time will heal all wounds with your sister in law. Some space will be good for the situation.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I had a couple of good good friends do that to me and the first one I let go but she kept at me to be friends again and eventually I relented only for her to kill my heart once and for all. She wrote me a nasty hateful letter and turned the truth for a lie which really hurt me bad. Then I had another friend who took my words the wrong way and turned on me like a snake and turned a lot of others against me too which hurt bad. She, too turned the truth into a lie for she knew me VERY well and that hurt even more. I've tried to explain myself and what I meant and even apologized when I know I did nothing wrong but it got slammed in my face over and over again. A little over a year later she wants to be friends again but this time I let her in but on a very short leash and a lot of caution however we still rarely speak because I'm too afraid to let her in my heart again. So depending on the situation and how valueable your friend is to you is whether or not is worth trying to save and only you can decide that.
• United States
31 Jul 08
Years ago, I read an article that described your situation exactly. Exact the article was referring to an abusive man who beats up his wife. They say it starts out all great like a whirlwind romance with such lovely friendship and communication and then slowly degrades into a horrible thing. And then the person apologizes and acts like they are a changed man, etc. etc. And the cycle of abuse starts again. Real slow at first. Usually with little nit-picky little things. And eventually things escalate from harsh words back to violence. And surprisingly it repeats again. Guess that is why so many women get trapped in those kinds of abusive relationship. Even if it's just verbal abuse, you kind of get used to the cycle and feel like they are going to change. I hate to say it. But sounds like your friend is being the abuser in your friendship. A bad friendship can be the same as an abusive relationship. You have so much invested into the friendship you don't want to let go and start over. But sometimes you have to for your own sanity. I would be so super careful. Lots of losers and users out there. You really gotta protect your heart. Best of luck with your situation. You know her potential for hurting you. So your eyes are open now.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 08
This has happened to me several times. Usually I confront them and tell them how I feel and pray that they see that they have hurt me and try to make things better. There have been friends I have lost because they were sure they weren't wrong in any way. There have been friends that I haven't talked to for years and then found them on myspace. We just let go of the past and began almost new. Currently, I'm trying to get back all the friends I have lost of the past few years and let go of what has happened in the past. Aren't I good person?
• United States
31 Jul 08
My spouse and I use that approach to arguments. If we go to bed mad, we wake up and act as if we never argued. Sometimes, forgetting tribulation and heart ache is the only way to go!
@subha12 (18463)
• India
14 Jul 08
it is hard moment in life. i laos have got this experience. my so calle dbest freind cheated ion me. he wa staking adavantage of my so called friendship. i will hate him forever in life.
• United States
31 Jul 08
It is so sad to lose a good friend. Even after they hurt us, our heart hangs onto the hope of reunion.
• United States
14 Jul 08
I go off into my own world. I usually don't end up seeing the person for a while. People have been a let down for me all of my life. So I'm not worried about holding onto a grudge because it's their problem not mine. It depends on the situation that happened before I make a decision whether or not I'm going to apologize.
• United States
14 Jul 08
That is a good point. Are they worth holding onto? If not, move on. If so, make the appropriate move or forgive? What else can one do?
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (32872)
• United States
13 Jul 08
Well, about 3-4 months ago, I said something to someone who I considered a Good friend to where she was really mad at me, and did not want to even talk to me. I felt really bad, and tried to apologize right away, but for me, it has taken a little time for her to want to really even talk to me. Now she is getting a little more friendlier and I can joke and talk again, but I still miss the old times of getting together once in a while with her and her 2 boys, and having a Fun time. I still get hugs from her boys from time to time, and I am sure they have wondered what is up as well. I am still hoping somehow we can at least gain some of the Good friendship we once had back, but if it never comes, then I have learned something from this as well.
• United States
14 Jul 08
My best friend ever from way back still won't talk to me and she won't tell me why! She made up some lame story that made no sense. Still don't understand her logic.
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
13 Jul 08
If I feel like it is there fault I wait for a few days to see if they will call back if not then I might try to call to work things out. If it is a fight and I realize I was the one at fault then I will call and apologize. Which I am proud to say I can't remember the last time I got into a argument with a friend. I hate arguments and fights although they do happen.
• United States
14 Jul 08
I'm the same way. Arguments give me a headache and make me feel drained. So I never try to argue with friends or family!
@gemini_rose (16194)
13 Jul 08
If a friend hurt my feelings then I am damned if I go crawling to them, I used to, I would do it all the time. But then I learnt my lesson because I would just be going back for more of the same. Now I let anyone come to me, if they do not then that is the end of it.
• United States
14 Jul 08
Either way you should not have to crawl. If a simple heart felt apology will not do for a friend, then that is not your fault!
@1grnthmb (2063)
• United States
13 Jul 08
I have a hard time with this. I hold grudges. If they do something wrong to me I just retreat. I guess I am just to stubborn to be the one to solve the problem.
• United States
14 Jul 08
Secretly everyone holds grudges! It' human nature to hurt for a long time. And then one day you are over it and move on.
@chrislotz (8207)
• Canada
3 Sep 08
I would definitly talk to her about it. I wouldn't let something like that get in the way of our friendship, especially if it were a good friend. Unless it is something really bad that they did to me. personally, then I would let them come to me first to try to work it out. If she didn't come to me about it, then I know it is her true feelings and I would leave it alone and not be her friend anymore. Sometimes it isn't something that can be worked out by talking and so the friendship could be over. But I would try to salvage it first if for nothing else but my own peace of mind, that I did whatever I could to make it better.
@KrisNY (7609)
• United States
14 Jul 08
If it's my best friend ~ I try to work it out right away. I'll tell her she really hurt my feelings. This does not happen very often. If it's just a friend- then it depends on what they did- If it really hurt me- I'll stay away from them and wait for them to apologize. If I was just moody and really got my feelings hurt for no good reason- then I work things out right away!
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
14 Jul 08
I have apologized and then again I have waited for them to call me. I honestly have no friends other then my fiance's now as my own friend's have made me reflect and see that they are not true friend's at all. I would go on and rant about it but that is not the question you have asked. I think the best thing to do is to work things out but just because it's the best doesn't mean it's the easiest.
@keyzme (21)
• Brunei Darussalam
14 Jul 08
Well, frankly speaking this happened to me not so long ago. It was reallya harpoon-shot-through-the-heart kind of pain. It was something really sensitive, which I know that it's very sensitive to not just me, but to everbody else. That night I was crying my heart out to two of my closest friends about a problem that I'm having. Then one of them said something which I had not actually expected coming from her. I didn't yell at her or got mad at her. I just burst into tears, it was really painful. She really shouldn't have said something like that when I was actually expecting them to comfort me. I didn't react or over-react. And since I had been crying I don't think she was aware that I was actually crying all over again because of that "thing" that she'd said. I don't know why I didn't do anything, or at least try to tell her that she had hurt my feelings. Or maybe she did realize, I don't know for sure 'cause she didn't ever mention it to me. It still hurts whenever I think about it, so I try not to think about it. And the point is that we're still friends, still close. I don't wanna change that. But just in case that she reads this, I just want her to know that I'm OK.