This is hard to put into words, but I need some opinions here.

United States
July 15, 2008 12:54pm CST
First some background for you. 5 years ago I got divorced from my husband of 15 years. I have since remarried and so has he. I am now 40, he is 48. His new wife is 44. Since they married, she has physically moved out a few times, she's said she was divorcing him several times, she's made comments to my youngest son such as "Your mom deserves props for staying with him as long as she did." In the same weekend, she's accused my youngest son of getting into her wallet, when it turned out it was her son that did. She's intent on having another child and has had two misscarriages so far. Then in March, they informed my two boys that they were pregnant and expecting twins. What is worse is that I have had people who are friends with the ex ask me what I think of the new wife and ask me if she's always such a biotch. People I don't know that well are telling me about her being rude and hatefull and disrespectfull of them and others that we have known for years and years due to our shared involvement in our children's activities. I hold my tongue, and do my best to just let stuff slide but it's getting rediculous. Now, here it is July, and this morning, my son's older step-sister (from before my marriage to their dad) calls my oldest (who is 19) and says that they are taking the babies today, and wanted to know if he was going to come down to the hospital (100 miles away). Both of my kids don't want anything to do with these babies. A month ago it was discovered that one of the fetuses is 5 weeks behind the other and has fluid on the brain. She's not due until October. My kids can't stand this woman, and yet they (her and their father) seem to think that my boys should want to rush to her side when she has these kids. Here's my question. Should I be more understanding of the ex and his new wife, and try to convince my children that they should be supportive of them? Should I disagree with my children when they say that their dad was stupid for not taking precautions and letting her get pregnant? You see, she claimed after the last two misscarriages that there was a "Less than 1% chance of her getting pregnant".. and then she takes this job where she's traveling out of the country for 7 days at a time to our neighbors to the north. Then she conviniently gets pregnant with twins. It is widely suspected by everyone who hears about the pregnancy that she was taking fertility drugs. So am I wrong in supporting my kids? They love their dad, but they suspect that this woman has just gotten pregnant so she can divorce him to get child support. I suspect they are right.
3 people like this
8 responses
• United States
15 Jul 08
(If they were my kids) I would just tell dad and step mom 'no'. If you kids do not want to be there it is their right and their choice. Esp., if one of the babies is very ill and might not live or live very long (with those type of complications). No one who has a right to force them to be there for that. It sounds like she is not a very good person all around so IMO the less they have to with her the better.
• United States
15 Jul 08
Well, it's almost like they expect my boys to be happy about the new siblings. My oldest is particularly irritated, since he is old enough to have kids of his own. Thanks for the input!!!
2 people like this
• United States
15 Jul 08
My husband is old enough to be the grandfather to his newest sister! He is older than his stepmother. Sometimes people do things that just don't make sense to anyone but themselves.
3 people like this
• United States
15 Jul 08
I've said the same thing to my kids, or I will when that day comes. Mine are 16, 15, 10 and 2. I swear I really hope they listen. It sounds like your kids are going to get front row seats on what happens if they don't.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (106815)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I think only the birth of the children will reveal about the developmental health of the baby/fetus. It is more important how your ex feels about the situation. Your kids, and you do not say how old they are, have every right to distance themselves from their stepmom. The kids are your responsibility, not your ex husband and his foolishness. Your 19 year old is an adult, how old is the other boy? Dad may be able to force visits from him. It is not a child's obligation to support their parent, but the other way around. As for all the gossip about the new wife, I think you should continue to let it roll on to the ground and die. It is not your business, and I would tell people that if they insist on asking your opinion. "Why would I care what my ex husband's new wife is like. We have been divorced for quite awhile, and he makes his own choices." If those babies are not due until October, I sure hope your ex has good medical insurance, because that would make them at least ten or eleven weeks early.
@GardenGerty (106815)
• United States
15 Jul 08
Well, the oldest son can just tell them he does not have gas money. The youngest is too busy. I have nephews in a similar situation. They are fond enough of the baby step brother, but he is not the product of old sperm and a menopausal woman. If there is a daughter older than your oldest, it sounds as if dad should know better by now.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Jul 08
You'd think so wouldn't you!!! Yes,,, the ex actually has 4 children already. The first born, is 25, then my oldest is 19, then the daughter from the affair is 18, then my youngest is 16...... When I said I didn't want anymore children, he refused to get himself a vasectomy so I got my tubes tied. What's particularly irritating is that I know the ex is expecting the boys to go to his house and help out with stuff and I am scheduled for surgery on the 30th. I will be out of action for at least a month, as I am having a hysterectomy due to female montly problems. I can't postpone this surgery any longer. It is making me sicker and sicker and I have to get it done. But I need the boys here to help out, as my husband works out of town during the week and is only home on the weekends.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (106815)
• United States
15 Jul 08
Side note, you will not regret the hysterectomy, that is what friends told me and I found it to be true. I felt great afterwards. You can pm me if you like. Do take a big pillow to hug after the surgery when you cough or laugh, cause that hurts, at first, but it is important for your healing.
2 people like this
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
16 Jul 08
I would probably be honest with my kids and tell them Dad has married a nutcase, but it was his choice to do so, so we will try to support him best we can. But I would also tell the kids that they can choose when and how they want to spend time around the ex's new wife. She sounds like she isn't playing with a full deck. Kids are smart, they will understand that some people are just loons and we have to try and live with it, but ignore it. Good luck.
2 people like this
• United States
16 Jul 08
I honnestly think she should not be allowed to have children. I do think it's funny that everyone else seems to think the boys should want to go running down to the hospital to see two babies that they think their dad was an idiot for letting happen in the first place, let alone if they will even survive.
1 person likes this
• Lubbock, Texas
15 Jul 08
I have to say that I feel for you. You're really in a tough spot. But it sounds like your kids are old enough to make their own decisions and that's the key here. You can't blame them for loving their Dad and it doesn't sound like you want to. You have to be supportive of what ever they decide they want to do and TRY not to put their step mother down. You divorced their Dad, try to remain neutral. Whatever happens in his life is on him. Let your children make up their own minds. Never put their Dad down if you can help it, and try not to put his wife down. Listen to what the children have to say without commenting on their opinions if at all possible. I know your children will want your input because they're concerned about their Dad, but in all fairness to you it's none of your business and they shouldn't drag you into it. You got out of that relationship for a reason.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Jul 08
I have done my best to just not even discuss her with the boys. It's been tough. Funny part is, I'm beginning to wonder about the moral fiber of other women out there. I have been a step-mom myself. First with my first husband's daughter who is now 25, and I was her step mom til she was in college. Her mother and I sat down together and had a serious conversation. We agreed that we would do a better service to the daughter if we were to act like adults and work together for her benefit and keep the name calling and such out of our vocabularies, and only put the daughter's needs first and foremost. Funny, but apparently that is not the norm, because when the daughter won a contest and qualified to go to the national level, I worked closely with the mom to put together fund raisers for the trip to the national competiton. We (together in the same vehicle for hours on end) hauled the daughter to television interviews, public appearances, photo shoots and such. The mom would introduce me as who I was, her step mom, and people kind of looked at us funny, as if it was so highly unusual that we would get along. I have tried to be that way with my current husband's ex because it's not the kid's fault the parents got divorced, and it was well before my time, I had nothing to do with the divorce, I met her dad 3 years after their divorce. Unfortunately, during a court hearing regarding child support this woman chased us out of the court house screaming how she was going to get my farm if he didn't pay his support. (Long story, but to make it short, she took him to court to get support raised, and her attorney got the wrong person's pay information because there were two other people with the same name working there (very common first and last name). Anyway, she was trying to say that he was making 24$ an hour and he was only making 10$.... so she was upset that she wasn't going to get child support based on him making 24$ an hour). Anyway, I don't put their dad down. I never have. Even though I am fully aware of the lies he has spread to all of the people we know on how I screwed him over because he didn't get half of this farm. (Which was bought with money from the VA that I got in lump sum after having fought for 12 years to get) (I was in the service and out before I ever met him) I recently had someone ask me my side of the story as to why we got divorced and I told her that due to his drinking he was becomming more and more violent and I was concerned that eventually instead of punching the windshild of the truck or throwing his tools on the ground that he would strike out at us (me and the kids), so I got out before it got to that point. Funny.... but she said to me... "I can see that happening.. I've known him and his folks since we were toddlers and I have seen his parents get into knock down drag outs and beat the tar out of each other. I knew there was more to it than what I was told."
1 person likes this
@newtondak (3950)
• United States
16 Jul 08
It sounds like your children are old enough to decide for themselves what they wish to do in regards to going to the hospital. As their mother, I would support whatever decision they choose to make.
@Winter08 (441)
• Canada
16 Jul 08
It sounds as though you have raised you kids to be self-thinkers as well as caring people who are, unfortunately, vulnerable to guilt-tripping from their father (who, it sounds like, is egged on the his current wife). Have you and your sons done some "what iffing" to come up with ways to word their responses to "suggestions" (such as visiting new born babies) so that their answers have no wiggle room for counter suggestions? I've learned over the years to have a few standard answers ready for those times when usinge "no" or "not right now" or "I'm not interested in that" only leads to questions like "why not", "well when", or "oh, come on, you don't mean that." I usually have "an appointment/meeting/committment that I can't postpone." Or "There's no money in the budget right now for that." With the knowlege you have about how your ex and his current operate, you have such a great tool for giving them some "show stopping" answers.
• United States
16 Jul 08
Wow!!! I think I will do just that with the boys today. AT least give them some viable "outs" for this situation. It's funny but their older half sister just thinks this is wonderfull aparently. She called the youngest yesterday and said, "You are a big brother now". He is the one that is actually more adamant about not wanting anything to do with these children or their mother. It's like nobody else gets it. But then, the half sister is in her 20's and hasn't ever had to spend entire weeks or weekends with the woman either. She was an adult when her dad met this woman, so she's oblivious to how she really acts.
1 person likes this
@Winter08 (441)
• Canada
16 Jul 08
In a way it's understandable that a 25 year old young woman would be enthralled with new born babies. But from my observations of my various nephews when they were in their mid teens, 16 year old boys have zero interest in babies, especially new borns. And these babies seem to be coming with a wagon load of attachments (i.e expectations of how others should be feeling about them, health issues, etc.)
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jul 08
Well, that's just it, for some reason, the ex's family and friends seem to think the boys should be just thrilled about their dad making babies at 48 years old with a 44 year old woman who her other children can't even stand to live with. (Her youngest chose to go live with his recently paroled father as soon as he got out of jail rather than live with her.) the boys cannot stand to be around the woman, as she is unstable. Happy one minute, going off the deep end the next. I'm talking she needs serious medication. And she was TRYING to get pregnant at 43 years of age, having had two misscarriages the previous two years. Now, as I write this, two fetuses lay in an NICU one weighing 1 pound, the other weighing 1 pound 8 ounces. The oldest was told that they would be staying in the hospital until their due date of October 1st. What I find is the most outrageous of it all is how my children's father is constantly complaining about how broke he is. Even if they have some form of insurance that would pay 80% of the costs for these two fetuses they are looking at close to 50,000$ for each fetus of out of pocket costs to get these kids through to their due date. He only thinks he's broke. Meanwhile, I can't get him to pay his 50% of my youngest son's eye glass presecription, dental bills or medical bills that he is court ordered to pay. And yet my kids are supposed to be happy about these two new ones??????
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
16 Jul 08
From what you wrote I take it that you and your first husband have split. This being the case, why are you so worried about him and his new wife. A divorce is 100% split. You need not ever think of him ever again, and his wife should be Way Way Far away from your life. Tell your boys to do whatever their Father says, and tell them to never mention his wife to you. I can see that this interference that you are conducting is compounding your life in a negative manner. What's it to you if she gets pregnant and has quintuplets? For your own sake Please consider this advise! It will quickly change your life for the Better.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jul 08
Because unfortunately for me, he doesn't understand 100% split, nor do his friends and family. THE ISSUE AT HAND IS IF I SHOULD FORCE MY CHILDREN TO GO SEE THESE TWO FETUSES THAT THEY WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH. The other issue is that his friends and family are calling me telling me I should make them go see these two fetuses that should have never been created because the mother was intent on getting pregnant even while she was divorcing him every other month. The boys hate her and want nothing to do with her or her offspring. Also, in case you don't understand, when you have children with someone, there is never a 100% split. You have a tie to that person and will have to deal with that person in all major events in your children's lives. What this woman has done has impacted MY CHILDREN. I PROTECT MY CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. I ALSO WILL NOT FORCE THEM TO ACT LIKE THEY CARE ABOUT SOME CHILDREN THAT WILL MOST LIKELY DIE OR BE SEVERELY DISABLED WHEN CHANCES ARE THIS WOMAN HAS INTENTIONALLY GOTTEN PREGNANT TO GET CHILD SUPPORT. AND BY THE WAY.... THEIR FATHER AND HIS FAMILY SEEM TO THINK I SHOULD FORK OUT GAS MONEY FOR THEM TO DRIVE 3 HOURS TO SEE THESE FETUSES. AIN'T HAPPENIN... HE CAN'T PAY FOR HIS SHARE OF EXPENSES, I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'LL PAY SO MY KIDS HAVE TO GO LOOK AT TWO UNDERDEVELOPED FETUSES WITH WIRES AND TUBES STUCK IN THEM
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jul 08
And as for your comment: "I can see that this interference that you are conducting is compounding your life in a negative manner. " I am not conducting any interference. I am merely supporting the wishes of my children. The ex has resorted to having his family and friends trying to lay guilt trips on my children because they made the choice not to have anything to do with these products of greed from their step mother. My children are 19 and 17, and old enough to decide for themselves. I refuse to tell them to "Do what their father says" when it comes to this. He has no right to force them or make them feel guilty for not wanting to rush down to see these underdeveloped fetuses and call them babies when they probably won't live anyway. If they do live, these two fetuses will have tons of medical and mental problems. My kids don't have to deal with that if they don't want to. They're dealing with a mother lion here and nobody messes with my children.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
16 Jul 08
That does not surprise me in this day and age with people. People can be ruthless, heartless and show no emotion towards others. They just use people for whatever they can get from them and then leave them hopeless. My husbands ex-wife used him for seventeen years. My husband was in the Army. He gave her all of his money and they had four children and she was supposed to save the money for them to buy a house for the family when he got out. She cheated and married her new lover after they divorced. My husband never seen one nickel of that money. Her and her new man got a new home and we paid child support for the children for years. His ex never had to work a day in her life and she used my husband and he got nothing out of it but the bills.
1 person likes this