just a vent i guess! its ruined so many!!!

@aretha (2539)
United States
July 15, 2008 2:02pm CST
ok me and my husband are having alot of problems and i know its because of the person he is now. he was in iraq for a year and went through hell! now he has been back for about a year and a half and hes so unhappy and misrable. i was ready to leave the other night i was done. i know he went through all this but its unbearable for the kids and i. he won't get help cuz he don't feel anyone could truely help him. i'm not sure that anyone really could either. my husband was always a fun happy outgoing person and now hes not even close to that. i found out the other night more of what happen while he was in iraq and it makes it so hard on me. i know i could never hurt anyone let alone kill almost 20 people. he has to picture that everyday and try to deal with himself. anyway you have these people that are so against the war and how many iraqis have been killed and children. our men dead or alive or heros always. my husband is a great man thats fighting with himself for what hes done even though he had to or he might not be here today. now sometimes he wishes he wasn't here i think. ya know how many times we've heard your luck to be back? is he really? i know i am but he feels like crap because hes here sometimes. now he has to deal with this for the rest of his life. what do i do? how do i help him? i know it sounds wrong that i have thought about leaving but its not fair to my kids,they have no idea and its very hard for them. one thing that may sound really bad and may upset a few, you hear how these poor kids over there are being killed. yes they are and it brakes my heart it really does but i am sorry they will be in a better place and what happens when they get bigger? then instead of there fathers trying to kill our husbands wifes and kids its gonna be there kids trying to kill our kids and grandkids. maybe thats the wrong way to think of it but iraq is no place for those kids. plus you don't really hear about our kids and what it does to them. yeah here and there but really i have 3 boys that need a dad but their dad can't be the dad they need. They have lost so much even though their dad made it home. what about the kids that didn't get to ever see their dad again? yep its poor them for a little while then their supposed to go on with life just as they did before. its never gonna be like that! my husband has lost himself over there and we will never get to have him back. i am so tired of seeing things on the net or hearing things about the poor kids in iraq!!! what about our kids? i was searching a bit to try and read some about different things that could help us as a family and i come across this site that had a ton of pictures that showed kids in iraq that where dead or hurt. i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna find a site thats shows kids like mine sitting outside waiting for there dad to come play like he used to or like his freinds dad does!! i'm sorry if i have upset anyone i just needed to vent.
4 people like this
13 responses
@anawar (2406)
• United States
16 Jul 08
aretha_ my son recently returned from Iraq. So far, so good. Statistics show that one out of five soldiers returning from Iraq, beat or mistreat their wives or children. Of course, the violence is understandable. I'm sure your husband would stop if he could. Nothing has worked so far and it's up to you now to make some decisions. You suggested it might be a good idea to leave your husband. I agree. You are afraid of him and so are your children. That's an unhealthy situation for everyone. If you can talk it over with your husband, try to explain your reasons for leaving. Maybe a separation would be easier at first. If you can't get through to him, and he keeps promising to change, but doesn't, I would leave. I've heard stories similar to yours and you're not venting. In your position, I would be terrified.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2539)
• United States
16 Jul 08
my husband was ok when he got home for about 4-5 months then it seemed to just hit him. he has never laid a hand on us and i really don't want to think he would my biggest issue is what its doing to my oldest son. he is almost 8 and he sees and hears things that he shouldn't as a kid his life should be happy and care free. my next step is to leave i really really don't want to but as a mother i need to put my kids first. if it was just me i would deal with it but i have kids to think about.
@anawar (2406)
• United States
16 Jul 08
That's exactly why I left my husband. He was hurting my kids and I had to protect them. It's not okay for him to abuse you. You have to protect yourself.
• United States
16 Jul 08
You have every right to need to vent and to feel the way you do. My heart is breaking for you and your family. This war is hurting so many people, tearing families apart, and making so many sacrifice and I have not even figured out for what. I am so sorry that your husband is going through this and you and your kids are having to try to pick up the pieces. It sounds like he is a great man who is lost in the horror that he had to face. I think he needs to see a counselor. Surely the military has someone who specializes in this type of problem. Your husband is not the only one who has came home with these issues I am sure. It might help him to know that he is not alone. You have a great idea there for starting a website dedicated to our heroes and their families. Maybe one with a forum for families to get together and discuss their problems so that they can help one another out. One with pictures to show the world our hurt, love, pride, and feelings.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2539)
• United States
16 Jul 08
they do have counselor that he can talk to but he says that they have never been over there let alone know how he feels so he don't think they can help. I wish they would make him go but nope thats more work for them. hes not in the ramy anymore so hes not their problem. if he choises to get help he can go to the va and they will help him but he won't. The one guy he went to said he really needed to see someone but he won't do it. He came out in the hall to talk to me and tell me i need to make sure he goes while my husband was in with another doctor but i can't make him so what am i supposed to do!? i am sure it wouldn't hurt to have a site to help cuz i know that there has to be other families out there that are having the same problems. i just wouldn't know where to start. i'm not good with computers and i'm sure my husband would want anything to do with it. i'll have to look into it. thank you alot
@MaeTsuen (257)
• Philippines
16 Jul 08
i advice you to stick with your husband... eventhough how hard headed he maybe and not telling you what's inside his head or heart. I know it's hard to guess what they think n feel, hard because they keep it to themselves, and as we approach them they push us further. I know because my hubby was like that too before...at times he would think (like a loner), he wouldn't talk to me, he's not himself, he becomes insensitive, he wouldn't let anyone in his mind or heart for that time being, he keep things to himself.. at times i cry because i feel bad i might have dome something wrong but it wasn't me at all. It was just him... and when i approach him to let him know im here that he can share whatever bothers him... he pushes me away and i cry. But you know, i didn't give up even though how many times he would push me i will always approach him and tell him I AM HERE. After 3 days he says sorry, that he knew he'd hurt and he says he's ok already. That happens like 6 times a year then it reduce to 3 times year then right now... it barely happens in 1 year.. and I am very happy with the changes. He starts to open up to me now and i don't cry about it anymore. You too should not give up i believe man are like that maybe your husband is a loner in 1 way or the other... when he pushes you away... slowly but carefully try to reach him. But never force him to tell you what's wrong...in time he will share things with that bothers him. Maybe 1 reason is that he's not opening up to you because he wants you to feel ok and not miserable. And when things are better... try have a heart to heart talk and tell him whenever he becomes insensitive or not himself... thinking so hard and wants to be alone... he is hurting you and the kids. And you must remind him always that no matter what he does whether he likes it not... you as his WIFE will be the 1st person to get hurt or be affected. AT times that he goes thru this, that's when they needed most your love. Show it to him.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2539)
• United States
16 Jul 08
ok now that you have me crying!lol i understand what your saying and i have tried to just back off. i have talked to a friend of his a litle bit and he says i need to be strong and just let him have his space. i do understand that but as much as he needs his space i need him. i can handle the space,i don't like it but i can handle it my biggest problem is how mean he is now. he says things to me and the kids that i just don't feel is good for my kids and i know he don't mean it but my kids don't know that. he can be as hurtful as he wants to me but not in front of the kids and to the kids. i know deep down he still loves me and he don't mean the things he says,i cry and i get over because i know that its not my husband talking. it is getting very bad though, the other day our oldest son was being so loud in the truck and he wouldn't stop i told him he had to sit in time out when we got home his father told him he was going to rip his throut out if he didn't stop. then he gets misrable because he said this to him. he told me the other day he was going to rip my face off. i know he won't but i just feel this will really hurt my kids if i let it go on. he also has this feeling that he could die tomarrow so he needs to do and get what he wants today. i can understand him feeling that way but its really hurting us as far as money and when he wants to go do things its always with other people and he has a good time. my oldest asked me the other day why he could go have fun with other people and not him. what do i tell him? he don't understand and i can't tell him the little bit of what i know. its hurting him and its killing me to see my son hurt like that and i can't fix it. i've always been able to make my kids boos all better and make them happy when their not feeling good, i can't seem to do that with him any more. if it wasn't for the kids i could deal with it but its hurting my kids and i can't handle that.
@Hatley (164647)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Jul 08
aretha your husband is reliving the war in what is called post traumatic syndrome, dont be angry with him as he'cannot help that. he needs medical care from doctors or mental people versed in treating veterans with post traumatic syndrome. I know it is upsetting to you as you dont understand why he is acting this way but believe me if he could stop it he would, he needs help and needs it now. surely the VA doctors could treat him for that. please get your husband the medical help he needs for all of your sakes.
@aretha (2539)
• United States
15 Jul 08
if it was only that easy. i would love for him to seek help but i can't make him go and he don't think that anyone could understand and help him.they va doctors said he has ptsd and he gets a few extra dallors a month but that isn't helping him. they can have the money if they would make it mandatory that he gets help.
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
15 Jul 08
All I can say is I'm so sorry. I'd like to say I understand...but I don't, at least not at the same level. I know what you are saying and I agree with you but I've never had to experience it so I can't understand really. It must be very difficult though. Are there support groups for wives and families? It may not help him directly but it might give you the tools to help him or at least come to terms with dealing with him. I think he could use counseling but I think I can see why he feels he's beyond help. We are raised to think taking 20 lives is a horrible sickening deed that only a twisted monster of a man could do...yet that kind of killing takes place far less often than the kind our finest men and women are supposed to do. It's hard to get beliefs and reality to mesh. I know what he did was for the greater good...even if we personally never see the end result of it. Think of the Revolutionary War wives, they had to raise their children and take care of husbands that had seen horrible battles and killed many. They never got to see what a great country came from their struggles though. We don't know what 100 or 200 years will bring to Iraq...but your husband played a part in the effort to make it a good country someday. He did what he had to do. He needs to find a way to come to terms with it. I wish you the best of luck until then.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2539)
• United States
16 Jul 08
as far as i know there is no support groups for the wives,it was always told we could talk to the other wives in the unit. maybe it was just me but they all seemed to be stuck up snobs that didn't even seem to care their husbands where gone. i just hope he relizes some time soon that it won't hurt to try and then hope it works.
• United States
15 Jul 08
my husband is about to go to iraq in feb i am really scared that he will come back a different person i dont want that.. I wish that he didn't have to go.. I'm really sorry about whats going on it is never easy having a husband leave and go to iraq i think every man comes back from iraq a different man there is nothing we can do except be here for them and help them as much as we can.. Men arn't like women they dont think they need help.. You really can't help him he needs to get over this or go to a doc... It hard but we really can't do anything for the but be there for them.. Sorry about all this. I'm really scared of my nam coming back a different person thank god he is only going for 7 months..
1 person likes this
@aretha (2539)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I am sorry that he has to go. Its gonna be the longest 7 months of your life. If it makes you feel any better depending on his job he may not change much or at all. I know a really good friend of mine husband was over there right before my husband when and he came back and he hadn't changed at all but she also said that he didn't have to go out and do what my hubby did. i also have a friend and her hubby has been there twice and has come back ok each time. it all depends on what their doing i guess. My husband was over there driving a het, on the road all the time having to deal with cars not stopping for them or shoting at them and the ied's where bad. now my one friends husband was ok thefirst time and now he is over there doing something different then he did the first time and hes having a really hard time with it. My brother in law is in the air force and he was over there for 3 months and never left the fob. i really hope it all works out for you and your husband. best of luck
@YoungInLove (1254)
• Canada
15 Jul 08
I feel for you sweetie. Thats the thing about war, they never come back the same, although some cope way better then others. Its a harder situation on you than any other marital problems because of the circumstances. Its not like you ever stopped loving him, hes just been traumatized, and therefore he feels disgusted in himself for killing people and is taking it hard. Hes blaming himself, because he hurt so many families with ihis actions. Itd be like someone doing that to him causeing that type of pain on you guys. I feel for you and I wish you good luck, theres a chance hell forgive himself. You need to try to put him through with the counselling. It could be alot more benefficial then he thinks. He just has to start forgiving himself, hes not all to blame
1 person likes this
@jordan04n (463)
• United States
27 Oct 08
Get help immediately. Pray, go to church or bring church home, get a healthy social life of fun, meet new people, work out together, do anything ya can thk of together, go on a picnic, long walks, hiking, plan a vacation, be creative, give him a message, .....get the idea....time heals....My husband went to Vietnam and brought back bodies in body bags and couldn't call me from Washington....war is hell and you can get thro this ...must be patient....all things work together for those who love the Lord.....so sorry ya got to go thro this...wait 10 yrs....it will be worth it.....
5 Oct 08
Im 23 year old. i inlisted into the Marines when i was 18 Fresh out of high school.. Im Born n Raised in California, the Bootcamp i was enrolled in is located in Katy Texas. besides goin to Bagdad Iraq, Texas was the Farthest ive been from home. I orignialy was suppose to serve a 9 month stay in bagdad, which ended up bein 19months total.. If i had to describe my time served there id describe it as hell.. Iraq has taken all the reasons i went into the military (My best Friends). I do have to say, Any american that goes to iraq will indeed change when they come back in many ways thats hard to accept. Its hard to say this but since ive been back, all i see are counselors and doctors because i get these nightmares of people that ive killed, its so bad my Girlfriend dosent sleep in the same bed as me.. she says all i do is sweat.toss n turn and scream when i sleep. I almost feel as if i grown so far apart from my family and friends, sometimes i hate it so much because they feel sorry for me.. Before i went to Bagdad Iraq it feels like i had a good head on my shoulders.. Now it seems like i just dont fit in the states.. Sorry if this didnt fit in not sure how i stumbled apon this blog but it helped me vent some.. Aretha try getting your husband to enroll into counseling. itll be hard to do but itll help him.. its helped me get through some tough times. And Aretha hang in there everything will be fine. Best regards, Corporal Lemire
@terri0824 (4991)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Sounds like your husband is suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) He really needs to go to your local vetrans hospital and be checked out and get treatment for this. No, he won't be able to forget what he went through there, but at least they might be able to help him get the help he needs with dealing with this and moving on and being a father to his children once again. By the way tell him I said, THANK YOU for fighting for our freedom!
• Philippines
16 Jul 08
good day.. War could really change a person insideout and no body really know what happened to your husband. I hope you can pass this trial and get through with it with your husband. My wishes Good luck and God speed.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Boy, you are in a hard spot. It is sad that they don't help the soldiers once they come home. I would look more for a support group for military families and maybe you could link up with someone or find someone that can relate to you. Maybe they could give you some suggestions of how to help. He has to forgive himself, to be able to deal with it. Good luck.
@rsa101 (13771)
• Quezon City, Philippines
16 Jul 08
That is really what happens to soldiers that were exposed to many battle and has seen so many atrocities which he may be a part of it. I think what you must do is to help him to get help from a psychiatrist or a therapist that is dealing with this kind of trauma. I think with the help of these people he can finally get out of the shell he is trapped within. I really am sorry but I think the government should do something to help your husband maybe they have programs fitted for his condition.