I Tried To Talk To My Brother But He Blew Up On Me
By CatsandDogs
@CatsandDogs (13963)
United States
July 15, 2008 8:02pm CST
then he blew up on my husband!! I know he's four hours away. I know he's broke but that's not why I called him. I called him to basically talk about my feelings and of being so overwhelmed with mom's situation and of course dad but he starts screaming at me "If you don't want to help them then don't!!" I told him that's not why I called!! I called to talk to you! I'm not asking for more money or for you to come down here and help!! I just called to talk!! And he blows up and really starts screaming!! I held the phone away from my ear and told hubby that he thinks that I don't want to help our parents but it's not that, by then I was crying so hard. Hubby took the phone and tried to talk some sense into him and he jumps all over hubby!! He told him "let the family handle it, you stay out of it!" My husband IS part of this family damn it!! We've done MORE than both of my brothers combined!! When hubby was in the army and we came home on leave, we'd clean our grandmothers house and did a bunch of stuff for my grandparents AND my parents that my brothers could've done but didn't but WE did. Sure, I was away for 15 years but when we came home for a vacation, it was anything BUT. We did things to help out which is a lot more than either of my brothers can say for themselves. Gosh, if I can't talk to my brother and maybe get some advice then who the hell can I talk to?? I can't talk to my other brother because he's so different from the rest of us - he analyzes things too much which gets on my damned nerves and he's a bit uppity acting, even if he doesn't mean to be, he acts it and I'd so love to grab a hold of that damned nose of his and bring his eyes back down to MY level and make him act like the human that he is. Damn it, he has the same exact blood streaming in his veins as I do so he's no better than me but good grief he's hard to talk to!! Soooo anyway, hubby is talking to my brother trying to explain that I called to talk not asking for anything and he blows up on hubby!! Then my brother tells hubby that "I'm done talking" so hubby says "I'm done talking too, goodbye." and hung up. My brother got even more angry and called back, I saw his name and didn't want to answer so hubby did and my brother jumped all over him for hanging up on him!! Hubby told him that "you said you were done talking and I said I'm done talking too and I hung up" and my brother jumped all over him telling him to never hang the phone up on him bla bla bla. Well I'm finished with my brothers and my aunt. All can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned!! To hell with them all!! I was gone for 15 years and those were the BEST 15 years of my life!!!! I wish hubby never retired now for we'd be somewhere else and I wouldn't be here dealing with all this sh!t alone. I hate my family. I'm so serious!! I hate my dysfunctional family with such a passion it's unreal!! Anything we suggest to my parents gets shot down. It doesn't matter what it is, it gets shot down! I'm so sick of it!! I've had it with them all!! Today we see mom which we haven't seen her since Friday night and she acts sort of aloof. I have no idea what about but I got tired of that sh!t and we left soon after. We didn't drive an hour to see her to be aloofed at!! Screw this sh!t!! So we left about an hour or two later. Mom had this shocked look on her face when we got ready to leave and I'm like wtf do you expect?! Treat us like this and we're outta here, simple as that. As for my brother, he must've been angry at something for him to blow up like he did but that doesn't matter to me. He's an adult and by now he should know to put his anger towards what ever he's angry at and not take it out on everybody else. It's not fair to others to get bashed for something we had no control of not alone, know anything about!! Damn him!! Damn my aunt!! Damn my mom!! I've had enough and I'm not taking any more sh!t from anybody!! I don't deserve it and I'm not going to take it! ARG!!
One thing I didn't tell any of you but I told my brother and he just blew me off. It is that I'm feeling so guilty over mom falling and fracturing her pelvis. The reason is because hubby slept on the couch so he could hear mom if and when she got up and I slept in the twin bed, one of my dogs woke me up wanting to go out so I got up and at the same time, hubby got up too to let him out. He told me mom was up sitting at the table in her wheelchair drinking coffee. I figured she was ok so I'd lay down and go back to sleep for a little while longer. Hubby wakes me up again and tells me mom had fallen, of course I flew in there and she's back in her wheelchair but had gone back to bed for about an hour and a half before getting back up. I went to see her and find out how bad she hurt herself hoping not bad but she told me she thinks she broke her hip. What happened was, she went to the bathroom with hubby's help but when she went to pull her pants down, hubby left her to give her some privacy and kept calling out "do you need help?" over and over again and each time she said no then a bang and he came flying!! Well in the first place he shouldn't have left her and since he did, he should've came and gotten me but he didn't. I wish I had've gotten up when he woke me up the first time but I didn't. MOM KNEW BETTER than to go into the bathroom by herself and can you believe she was changing her clothes?! She was changing her clothes and that's why she fell!! Damn I'm mad!! Mad as hell because SHE KNEW BETTER!! But she did it anyway!! Damn her and her independent self!! I feel terrible for not being there and hubby feels bad for not staying with her!! BUT we also know that mom knew better but did it anyway so in essence it's not all mine and hubby's fault because SHE KNEW BETTER!! I tried explaining that to my brother and he says it's all hog wash, you should'nt feel guilty for that because she knew she was doing and did it anyway. True but still, I feel terrible about it but he just throws it into the wind like my feelings don't matter and then he got nasty with me and I couldn't take it so hubby took over then he got nasty with hubby. I wish I could run away and never come back. If I could, believe me I would in a heartbeat!!
Do any of you have a family like this?? Count your blessings if you don't!!
4 people like this
15 responses
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
16 Jul 08
I'm counting my blessings then. My family is pretty good, with the exception of my sister who gets in her snits every once in a while. But I'm lucky if I see her every other year, so I just don't deal with her anymore. Your brothers sound like they need to dislodge their craniums from their rectums and get over themselves (so does your aunt). I think that you and your hubby should not even speak to them for now. Let them stew over it in their own time. You don't need this added stress of them blowing up at you hon.
2 people like this
You GO GIRL!@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Katlady, I'm through, finished and done with my family with the exception of my parents and they're treading on a fine line as well. Had mom listened and done the things she was suppose to do then she wouldn't be in the situation she's in now. She does a lot of talking behind other people's back and eventually it gets back to us but we're to keep it to ourselves. Well guess what, I'm getting sick and tired of being talked down about because I've bent over backwards and forwards for them and this is what I get in return? Excuse me but F this!! I don't need it nor will I take it!! I need help in a big way and if they can't help me then leave me the hell alone and keep their advice's to themselves for if they don't like the way I'm doing things then they need to get their @sses down here and do it themselves!!
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157494)
• United States
16 Jul 08
I have worked in nursing homes, and I have seen a lot of this. Your brother is correct, your mom knew what she was doing, but instead of telling you what you should and should not feel he should have just said, "I hear you, and understand" The problem, Dear C and D is that he is feeling guilty as well, but cannot verbalize it like you are, he instead lashes out. He is mostly mad at himself. I do not know what to say about the Aunt. I will say that your parents will probably be better off in a nursing home or rehab center. They will put alarms on your mom so that when she insists on getting up by herself an alarm will go off and someone will be there to help her.
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
16 Jul 08
My brothers arguement is "I didn't tell them to move so far away" My parents arguement is "they didn't come to see us when we were close by" However, both of my brothers are saying, they're so far away, we can't get down there which is a lot of bs because my oldest brother can, the same one who bit my head off today because he only works Thur, Fri and Sat nights and then his heating and a/c business during the day. He just got a divorce a year ago and is already married again and just sold his old house and paid off all their bills so he has no money or time? BS!! But I didn't say anything because it's wasn't the point of my calling him but to basically get some ideas on what in the world are we going to do after the 20 days and mom comes home?? Because she's not going to be able to get to the bathroom now and he just blows up on me! I'm the one doing all this stuff for them, not him and not my other brother and not my aunt. All have an excuse one way or another which is fine BUT DON'T yell at me and DON'T tell me how to do things because it's not going to happen!! If they want things done a certain way then they need to get their @sses down here and DO IT!! As for my brother being mad at himself, still, I'm not his target no more than I'm any one else's target and he's about to find that out for I'm through, finished and done!! Not with my parents unless they decide to piss me off then they'll be done the exact same way. And for my brother to talk to my husband like he did is another reason why I'm through. He is every bit a part of my family as he is because he's married to ME. So f'em all!!
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
16 Jul 08
I cannot believe the flack that you are getting! Do what your heart tells you and don't worry about what they think. You have no reason to feel guilty. She is going to have to learn to ask for help. Try to calm down, and relax a bit. Do you have a friend that you could call? See if you can some of those programs going so that you can have a little peace to pull yourself back together.
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
16 Jul 08
I can't believe it either Thoroughrob. I can't believe it either. I must have a target on my freaking forehead or my over my heart for both are torn to shreds. When hubby was in the army and I was with him during the last 15 years then he retired, I'll be honest, those were the best 15 years of my life because I was always gone in another state. In one way I wish he never retired or that we never moved here but then again, I'm so glad he did retire because he could've been in Iraq. I wish I had someone to talk to but I can't hear well on the phone because I'm severly hearing impaired and even the special phone that I bought from Radio Shack doesn't get loud enough but I am waiting for a special phone that has a reciever and a ttd on it so I can hear and read what is being said so some day I'll have it and then I can talk on the phone to just about anybody. Besides, I've been away for 15 years and most of my friends have moved on with their lives... I have two that I could talk to but there's all that explaining to do and I'm just not up to that. It's emotionally draining as it is and to have to go back all through it all again.... you get my drift. As for the military friends, well like I tried to explain to my mom but I can't get her to understand, friends come and friends go meaning they get stationed elsewhere and move on with their lives. Most don't keep in touch no matter how hard I would try so I gave up. Mom thinks that hubby is keeping me away from people which is soooo not true!! He's wanted me to meet other people and he's thrown other people my way and I push them away because I can't hear and am tired of explaining myself to them and watching them dance with their feet because they're uncomfortable with me which makes me all the more angry because I'm just as much a human as they are and the same as one in a wheelchair just that mine isn't visible. I could go on and on and on with this but to be honest, the more I'm around my family and people that I don't know, the more I like being with my hubby and my fur babies. I'm safe. Don't get me wrong now, I love people and I love making friends but having to go through all this crap time and time again has made me very reclusive and it's MY choice not my husbands like my mom thinks.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Jul 08
I don't know how you put up with your brother's crap!! Tell your husband good or defending you. If my sister tried that on me and yelled at my husband, he'd tell her that he's on the phone with her because of the way she treated his wife. Mind you my sister woudln't flip like your brother would, thank God, bu still. Hubby is part o the family, and your brother has no right to yell at you like that.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
16 Jul 08
THANK YOU danishcanadian!! You're exactly right!! What ticks me off the most is when my hubby made a huge mistake a few years back which I've forgiven him for because he's realized and apologized and that's all the reconition I need however, when his family treated me like dirt and he sided with them, my very same brother blew up when talking to mom about it and now he's telling him let the family take care of this as if he's not family?? Oh gosh that boils my blood like nothing can!! I'm so finished with my family except for the well being of my parents and even THEY are treading on a thin line!! If mom had've listened she wouldn't be in the position she's in now but nooooooooooooooooo she has to have her way well she got it didn't she!! She's in a rehab center unable to walk but she can only stay for three weeks then she has to come home because her insurance will only pay for three weeks. What the hell is she going to do when she's home and can't get to the bathroom???? None of us can carry her so that's why I called my brother to get some ideas but instead he had to act like a jackass!! F him and the horse he rode in on because I'm THROUGH with him and the rest of my family and that includes my aunt!!!! I'll be there for mom and dad as long they start listening to us and the first time they don't, I'm out and I can't be any more serious than I am right now because I've had enough. I've had more than enough!
1 person likes this
@shoffman2000 (560)
• Alexandria, Virginia
16 Jul 08
no i do not have a family like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Count your freaking blessings!! I wish I didn't either!!
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
16 Jul 08
You've got it all out, hope it helps you feel better. I do not think you or your husband should feel guily about your mother's fall. Like you said she knew what her limitations were but wanted to do something on her own that she was not completely capable of doing.
I feel your pain and frustrations, it seems to be darn if you do and darn if you don't, right? Letting it all out really helps sometimes. Your brother should not have said what he said to your husband either. Your husband is just as much part of the family as your brother. Take a deep breath and try to relax, it will get better. right now it is still fresh, (the conversation with your brother) tomorrow you may have a different outlook on things amd hopefully you will feel better.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Actually no I haven't gotten near getting it all out. I wish I did for it might be a bit easier to deal with but this crap has been going on since way before I was conceived and frankly I'm sick and tired of it. When my husband was in the army, I was with him for the last of the 15 years of it and it was the best 15 years of my life because I was away from my family. I wish now that we had never moved here and moved to a totally different state for now I'm getting all the memories flooding back to me. I'm so sick of my brothers attitude and his taking his frustrations out on anybody he aims his sights on. As things are right now, I'm through with my family except for the well being of my parents but damn it, now they will get my true thoughts whether or not they like it because if I'm breaking my back to care for them then by God they're going to listen to me or live with the consquences of their actions because I'm tired of taking their crap because they won't listen!
Thanks for the prayers because I sure do need them to keep my sanity in the midst of all this.
@TannerSite (698)
• United States
16 Jul 08
My family use to be a lot like that (especially me with my brother) but eventually we all out grew it and we all get along REALLY well now days.
In-fact, I would consider my family to be the very best people I know right now. We never fight or laugh at each other, and we are always considerate of each other's feelings. It's a great blessing, but I think anyone can have a family like this, it just takes a little effort on everybody's part.
Try to understand where your family members are coming from and try to respect them. Do that for them and they will surely do it for you. Trust me.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
16 Jul 08
Sweetie if this carries on I can see YOU ending up in Hospital
You need to calm down and I am not impressed with your Family at all
Your Mum knows how much you have done and she should as a Mother tell you to slow down and rest, not give you more Grief, she should also tell the rest to back of as they have not done anything so instead of having a go at you they should be there doing their bit, this is all just one sided
As for your Brother saying to your Hubby what he did is disgusting as it is your Hubby doing what YOUR BROTHER should be doing, he is more a part of the Family then what your Brother is
I saw your Response to me in the other Discussion and I do not blame you at all as I would do the same as you are doing, I think it is time that you turn hard on your Family, when they call, be aloof with them, tell them you do not have time to talk as you are to busy looking after you Mum and Dad, I really can not understand why the Family is not doing this together just because they live hours away does not stop them doing their Bit
Sweetie I am so sorry you are going through all this I wish I was there to help and to hug you when you get down,
Please try to take it with a shrug of the Shoulders for now or I can see you ending up in Hospital, I am angry at your Mum to for treating you the way she is, as for you feeling Guilty, don't honest don't, I know you do as I would do but you do need rest yourself, your Mum should have asked for help and waited while your Hubby woke you up to help her
Oh I just wish I was there to help you
Big Hugs coming to you from me
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
26 Jul 08
I know you probably don't want to hear this but I think you are right and I think you need to let go. I'm so concerned for the welfare and health of you and your hubby. I really can't see any good coming out of this. I know that's not why you do it...but the reverse is true for you. It seems to be so hard for you and nothing is going right for you and truly, it shouldn't be this hard. You need to look after yourselves and your home and each other more in my opinion.
@ElicBxn (63233)
• United States
16 Jul 08
When I'm visiting my mother, she wants me to help her with the bathroom. Well, I tell her that I can't do it, that she has to call for help. She still thinks she can do things for herself, but she's in the health care center because she can't. I make her call for help.
I understand that you were not in this situation, but obviously, your mother hasn't gotten to the point yet - at least then - that she realizes that she has to have help to do things.
It may be that she is going to have to go into a home for assistance. Believe it or not, so long as your father is living in the family home, they can't take that. They will push for all the money they can get, but just lay down your parents income on the line and say "that's all there is." Your income doesn't factor in, your sibs doesn't factor in - only your parents. Don't EVEN let them talk about your income - tell them its none of their business - you don't support your parents.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
17 Jul 08
Big Brothers were invented just so that they could irritate the life out of their baby sisters sweety - I can empathise on that! If you ask me I think that your brother is feeling guilty that you ate having to cope with everything and is releasing this guilt in a totally misdirected and stupid way! I do hope that things seem a bit easier now sweety! You know you have my love , hugs and prayers! xxx
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
16 Jul 08
Things do not seem to be getting much better for you at the moment really, you still seem to be having a hard time of it. I am lucky in that the only family I have are my parents and my grandma, my grandma lives a long way from me and my parents, well I see my parents once in a blue moon. I have no brothers or sisters.
My hubbys family is bigger but we hardly see much of them either and so most of the time it is just me, him and our kids.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
16 Jul 08
You are doing the best you can with what you are dealing with. My inlaws were alot like your family. I'd work all week long, then we'd drive two hours on friday night to their place and I'd work all weekend there caring for them, only to start it all over again Monday. This went on for about a year. Maybe its time you thought about putting your parents either in a nursing home or assisted living? I don't see things getting any better. And it can't be good for them or you with all the shouting going on. With your mom's stroke maybe she doesn't always grasp the idea that she can't do what she used to? I know they want to be at home, but if no one is going to help, then maybe its time you made the decision.
1 person likes this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Ahhh Sweety, I hope you feel better by getting all that off your chest. You always have all of us to vent too, we will listen and not hollar at you. You and hubby sure do have your hands full. You really don't have nothing to feel guilty about, but I do understand why you do. You are going way beyond the call of duty, you are both doing the best you can. Is there any way you and hubby can get away for a few days. Even a day trip just the two of you. I know there is lots going on but you both need and deserve a break from all the crap. You don't deserve none of the abuse from anyone, brother or mother. You are only human, you can only do so much. You have to take care of yourself, if you don't you will be the next person in the hospital. Take care and good luck, I so hope and pray that things get better for you.
