Mixed Relationships or Mixed Up Relationships

@Opal26 (17694)
United States
July 20, 2008 6:44pm CST
This is a rather serious topic for me. I am in a Mixed Relationship or Mixed Up Relatioship. I am White and boyfriend is Black. There is no problem there. We do have problems but those are not the issues. He doesn't really want to be in a "committed relationship" even though we live together. He wants us to be "friends" and he wants to be able to go out and do "whatever he wants". He has stayed out all night with calling me a few times and telling me where he is staying. This is where the problems begin. So mylot friends what do you think?
11 people like this
31 responses
@shlooper (310)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I think that this is a problem for any relationship. If you live together then you probably shouldn't be "just friends" because stuff will happen and that is emotionally draining. It seems to me that he is trying to be single while still clinging to you. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, one of you should end it. It is difficult when you live together, but it isn't healthy for one of you to want to be friends while the other still wants a committed relationship. You need to talk and get on the same page.
5 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Oh, we've talked about it. He loves me as a "friend". We've been living together for 7 months.
2 people like this
@sudalunts (5527)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Well, if you are comfortable in a relationship of just being friends it should be okay. If you want more out the relationship than just being friends, and that is not what he wants, maybe you should just move on. Why waste your time when you know that the relationship is not going to go anywhere. It's a tough call when one person feels more for the other person than they do for them. I can not tell you what to do, but in this case follow your mind and not your heart.Wish you luck
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
As I said before, I'm not looking to get married. I wasn't even looking for a roomate. It just happened that he needed a place to stay, we were seeing each other, we were friends, I needed the extra money for rent so 7 months ago he moved in.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Jul 08
I would worry about STD's and the lack of commitment unless you are just room mates and he has his own room. If you are happy in this relationship then go for it. I could not handle it wondering where he was and WHOM he was with. I am not jealous I am just not willing to share my man for all nighters.
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
He is not having allnighters with a woman. If he did he'd be gone. He knows if I find out he's with someone else he needs to go. I know he wouldn't put me at risk. I don't know for sure if he wouldn't be with someone else, but I would hope he wouldn't be stupid.
4 people like this
• United States
22 Jul 08
You need to take care of yourself. Be safe my friend, no one can tell you who you can or cannot be with. Your heat wants what your heart wants. It your head that needs to know when it is time to give up or continue on.
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
21 Jul 08
Well I guess there's nothing wrong with having a mixed relationship at all. What I see is that there is no commitment from the other party which makes this relationship a bit problematic. I ask you if you are happy with the situation you're in right now. being neglected just like that seems to me that you are the only one that is working and he is not doing anything to make things right.
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Well I'm not completely happy with the way things are because I have deeper feelings for him then he does for me and he knows it. But as I said before he is younger than me, lost 13 years of his life being in prison and got out and started a bad relationship so now he's not sure what he wants to do. I need to give him time and space. I knew it wasn't going to be easy.
3 people like this
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
21 Jul 08
Well it's all up to you but until when are you gonna wait for his time and space for you. I think the man just wants to hang out of you when the urge is there then when he's done he'll be out of your life again. don't you think he's too comfortable in there while you are left there wondering if he'll get back to you one day. I think you two should have a serious talk. If you are a willing to be subjected to that then maybe you don't need to talk at all. But if you're really concerned about your welfare and feelings then its better that you have to arrange something that both of your are happy about.
3 people like this
@Hatley (152184)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Jul 08
opal its plain he does not want a commited relationship and just friends is sort of iffy, now you can be best friend s and be married too but of course no modern young woman thinks of marriage just living together which is iffy too, I thinkif you are looking for love you need to find some man who loves you and will be committed to a relationship or the evil word now days marriage, still you mightg likeit if you tried, I liked it and was married for 34 years to one man whom i loved and he loved me.So I think you should cut him lose, and find a man who will respect you and love you for whom you are, raceis no problem but your current boyfriend is showing no respect to you, he wants to get some at home and also abroad,forgive me if I am crude but I would never live in such a situation.he would either commit to me or be kicked out, its that simple.
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Hatley, I respect what you're saying and I understand, but I'm not looking to get married. We get along really well when it comes to living together. He is very helpful, he does respect me, he watches out for me, he really is a good guy. It's just some of his beliefs and ways that I don't agree with.
3 people like this
@Hatley (152184)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Nov 08
opal sorry but is that love , I mean like is great but shouldnt you have love in the mix too, and wouldnt that sort of mean some committment? I realize a lot of people dont want to marry, and thats okay too but still if you went off like he does .wouldnt he flip his lid about it? i am confused here.
@lyzabelle (1669)
• Philippines
21 Jul 08
[b]Opal, give him time. Maybe as the days progress. He will learn to trust and value your worth as a lover. He is just starting his life all over again. It might be hard for you but if you really love him, give him what he wants. If he wants space let him have it. It's all entirely up to you.[/b]
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I'm not sure he will ever be in love with me. I don't really think he will change his mind and love me as anything but a friend. I will probably have to let him go and I know that will hurt alot. I told him if he leaves it's over between us, I don't want to even continue our friendship and I know he doesn't want that.
3 people like this
@chenmeiyi (973)
• China
21 Jul 08
Love needs wings. I think we should bring wings to our love and set it free. Love may come to a standstill if we grasp it too tightly. It is a difficult choice for you to choose between grip your BF and set him free. LOVE needs dedication,commitment and teamwork of the two people.
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
He is my best friend. That's what makes it so hard.
3 people like this
21 Jul 08
Hi Opal26 I don't know how long you have been living together but with what you said, he doesen't want commitment, but he does what he wants and come back whenever he pleases to home comfort, I'm sorry it don't look as though he gaves a d@rm about you wheather hes black or white it doesen't matter. I just think you would be better of kicking him out or change his ways,its use calling you to tell you where he is , he could be anywhere. Tamara
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
We fight about this all the time. He doesn't go "out" messing around. He hangs out with his cousins and stays at their house overnight, but I still don't like it. He feels that I should not be asking questions, and let him do what he wants because "he's grown". We actually get along really well. We work well living together. We help each other and work as a team.
2 people like this
• United States
21 Jul 08
Well you are the only one that actually knows all the details about your relationship therefore sometimes when a person gives advice from a little bit of detail you will notice that it will all indicate to of course not don´t be with someone like that. You have to decide what is best for yourself, i was in a relationship for 5 and a half years and i never listened to the advice people gave me in regards to him... and here i am now with a beautiful baby girl as a single mother. When i was pregnant he turned his back on me and told his step brothers i was his friend, i was so insulted i couldn´t believe he said that, after that day i decided that i deserved respect and if he wasnt going to respect me then so be it- In my opinion if a guy truely loves you and respects you as he says he does then he will settle with you as a gf. My ex has never been a committed person and was always unfaithful...and the story always repeated with him until i finally put my foot down and said no it has to stop here. Now he is trying to be a family but i know things are never going to work out therefore i refuse to fall in the same hole. Hopefully you will go towards what is best for you
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I am sorry that happened that way for you. At least you have your beautiful daugher. What kind of horrible person says something like that to the mother of his child. I will put up with only so much and he knows it and then I will show him the door and our friendship will have to be over. He doesn't think I will do that, but I will have to.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Jul 08
Well it is good that you let him know that there are boundaries that are better left untouched because then here comes the boot. Wish you the best.
1 person likes this
@jamie08 (430)
• United States
21 Jul 08
honestly i had a boyfriend like that i lived with him and everything but he wanted to do his own thing and go to clubs and what not. Well he ended up cheating on me alot. Came home everynight with a new number in his phone never said anything about it but then he became abusive to me so i left. I'm not saying this is what your boyfriend is doing but i just hope it doesnt lead to that for your sake.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I'm sorry you had that experience. He knows that if things started to get to that point he'd be gone. He would never put his hands on me, he's not abusive.
1 person likes this
@jamie08 (430)
• United States
21 Jul 08
when me and my ex first started dateing that is what he told me then 2 and a half years later is when it all started
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jul 08
Mixed or Mixed up Opal? It sounds like you might be leaning toward it being mixed up. It also sounds like you might be setting yourself for a very hard fall. At the very least, putting yourself in a situation that will be very difficult to get out of (should you want to get out of it). Also sounds like he's taking good advantage of what's being offered him and not offering anything in return, unless it benefits him. I would be cautious. Just my opinion from what you've said. No offense.....
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Oh my dear friend terilee, how could I ever take offense from anything you could ever say! You are right, I will be hurt, but I took the chance and I knew how he felt before he moved in. I hoped he would change his feelings. He keeps telling me "life is about taking chances". I'm going to chance him....
2 people like this
• United States
21 Jul 08
Oh my dear friend terilee, how could I ever take offense from anything you could ever say! You are right, I will be hurt, but I took the chance and I knew how he felt before he moved in. I hoped he would change his feelings. He keeps telling me "life is about taking chances". I'm going to chance him.... Well, just making sure that you know I mean no offense because so many people get so easily offended these days. I just hope you don't allow yourself to become any kind of victim over this relationship. God knows, we've all had them and later wantd to kick ourselves in the butt when we realize we could have treated ourselves a little better. We deserve so much more than what we sometimes limit ourselves to and deserve soooo much more than most men are willing to give or offer. Seems like they always 'blame' it on one thing or another - or us....when things don't work out like they think they should, while in the meantime, if they were REAL men, they wouldn't want to put us through these kinds of things. Again, just my opinion. I've learned through it all not to let anyone take advantage of me...and those that do, do so only because I let them. If it ends up being beneficial then I guess it's worth while....as long as I keep my eyes wide open and know what I'm walking into.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
21 Jul 08
Hi Opal, It sounds to be like he wants his cake and eat it. If he is just out with mates and staying out fine but if with other women I would be shoving him out of the door. I am an all or nothing type of girl where relationships are concerned and he doesn't seem to be committed but is enjoying having a base to live from. If you love him and can accept his ways fin but if this is upsetting you itis going to continue to do so so maybe get out before too much hurt is caused. It is difficult for me to answer as you don't say why he is staying out but at least he does give you the respect to let you know he is not coming home. Good luck with this one. Ellie :D
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
ellie, you are right. It bothers me in some ways because I do care for him more than he does for me-well in a different way. He definitely cares for me. He is here for me when I need him. We are best friends that's what makes it so difficult..
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
22 Jul 08
Hi Opal, Only you know how you feel and only you can make the decision for him to stay or make him go. I personally though would move on in I was being unfulfilled like this in a relationshop. You will make the right decision when the time comes I'm sre. Thnaks for the BR, Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@hiddenwing (3721)
• China
31 Oct 08
Oh my! How come he do something like that? I am sorry to say that. In my culture, this is unbelievable. You deserve better! Go for it!
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
1 Nov 08
Hi hiddenwing! Well thank you! He has gotten better. He doesn't go out without me anymore. I put a stop to that at least. He and I do more things together now. It has been 4 months since I started this discussion so things have changed a bit.
1 person likes this
• Ireland
21 Jul 08
Instead of judging a person on the basis of his colour, we shud judge him on the basis of his character and environment from where he comes. you should make him learn that commitment is not a responsibility but it is the most beautiful aspect of life. Commitment makes us complete and give us a guidemap for life. It is the time and a perfect opportunity for him to get everything in his life sorted out.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Your are right and I am getting tired of defending him to everyone here and to myself!
1 person likes this
@relundad (2312)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Let me first start by saying that I am in an interracial relationship. I am an African American female and my boyfriend is Caucausin. We have been in a relationship for a couple of years and its a very good relationship. I am a little curious as to why you think that your issue has anything to do with the fact that you are in a mixed relationship. I agree that the relationship might be mixed up in that you want one thing and he wants something totally different. I have read most of your responses to the posts that mylotters have made. It sounds to me like this guy is not interested in having a relationship with you on the same level that you want. And he wont. It seems that your place is somewhere that he can have an extended stay, and the benefits of a live-in. Let me just tell you that it is not normal for adult men to hangout overnight with his cousins. What is that about? My son at 9 does that! When was the last time that you hung out for all nighters? That is just abnormal behavior for any adult, especially on a regular basis. He sounds like someone that is not going to be committed to you or anything as he has alot of growing up to do. Just out of curiosity I would want to know if he shares all of your household expenses with you? I know that in your comments you said that you are not a fool and I agree but I think this guy is using you. And unless you are willing to accept that you need to either accept him a 50% paying strictly room mate and friend or put him out and let him do whatever he wants.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
First let me say that I like your straight forward approach and honesty. You are quite intelligent and make a great deal of sense. The points you make are right on the money. He has only stayed out twice. He stayed at his cousin's house because neither one of has a car and the busses stop running to those areas rather early. That really doens't bother me. Yes, he contributes to the expenses or I would not put up with any of this. He does care about me, he helps take care of things in the apartment, he does the chores, does errands for me. We actually have a good working relationship. As roomates go, I couldn't ask for a better one. He is extremly neat and a cleaning fanatic. So it isn't all bad. I do appreciate your comments a great deal. I look forward to commenting with you again soon. Thank you, Opal
1 person likes this
@cmathias12 (1025)
• Armed Forces Canada, Europe, Middle East
21 Jul 08
Hey Opal26. Even though no one can say what is going on in someone elses mind, this situation does not sound good. It sounds as if you may love him and he has issues to deal with before he can commit to you. Maybe the best solution would be to let him have the time he needs to heal from his past but at the same time respect yourself and not let him take advantage, whether he relizes he is or not, of what you are willing to give him in return for his affection. If it were me I would seperte physically from him to do this. Do not worry about loosing him because if you are going to be together, you are going o be together. ood Luck on this one.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
You are right. I tell him it's not my problem that he was in prison for 13 years so stop using it as an excuse to justify things to get your way. I have told him that when he leaves we are finished. I don't want any contact with him. Not even as a friend.
1 person likes this
@wisconsin26 (3861)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I know I wouldn't be able to handle this for sure... I think he just wants a place to go when people get tired of him and it so happens it's your place.. If you two are having a relationship it takes two for it to make it happen and it seems to me that he don't want that.. So I think it would be better if you just moved on let him go and find someone that is willing to commit to you and not do things like that.. I too would have mix feelings mainly not knowing whats really going on.....
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
As i said before, I'm not looking to get married. I wasn't looking for a roomate. We were seeing each other before. Things happened and now I know I will have to let him go. I told him when he goes it's over. I don't want to even be friends anymore and he doesn't want that but, that's how it will have to be so that I can get over him.
1 person likes this
@SHUGA81 (220)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Its not because its interracial but because he is still wants to be a boy. He is not ready for a relationship. If he is not on the same page with you, cut him loose and don't let him waste your time. I am in an interracial relationship. I am black and he is white. We dont live together but we both talked and set the record straight. I don't play that b.s. If he is serious about you, he will take your being together serious and not just want you as a friend and still live under the same roof with you and playing his silly little games. And since he is not, kick him out and find you a roommate if you still have time left on the lease. He needs to pull himself together.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
21 Jul 08
We have talked. I have lived in my apartment for 27 years. I didn't need a roomate or even want one. Things just happened that way. It was supposed to be temporary. I knew that. Now I like having him around. So it's up to me. He's being straight with me. We have been seeing each other for 1 year, living together for 7 months. I either accept things the way they are or tell him to go. Believe me, I'm nobodys fool. I am no pushover. I have been on my own for too long. If I can't deal he will be gone.
3 people like this
21 Jul 08
Hi opal26, You ar in a pickle about this now I think you really have to sit him down and tell him exactly how its upsetting you, maybe compromising a little, like he can stay out one a week? so that both can go together more often? I hope you can talk to him and all the best to you and Bless. Tamara
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13207)
• United States
1 Nov 08
I can't believe I didn't see this a long time ago, Opal. I don't honestly think this has anything to do with race, and i'll tell you that straight out right now. The only time I see race holding any weight within problems in a relationship is when there are large cultural differences or belief differences which neither party is able to compromise on. I don't see something like this going on with you - HE seems like he is being selfish. If he wants to be selfish, do you want to put up with it? If it were me I'd want him to understand if he wants to do that, then I get the same consideration and that means I can also do 'whatever I want'. If that bothered HIM, then maybe it would make him understand how I felt.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
1 Nov 08
Hey mommyboo, this was 4 months ago when I started this discussion. We have gotten alot of things straightened out. Do you really think that "I" would still be putting up with this crap 4 months later? He doesn't stay out anymore, we go out together and if he decides to leave I'm going to kill him!
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22992)
• United States
2 Nov 08
[i]and if he decides to leave I'm going to kill him![/i] LMFAO I hear that!!
1 person likes this