Parents in an old age home...?

@alokn99 (5717)
India
July 21, 2008 10:27am CST
While I was waiting for a friend at an Old age home yesterday, I happen to notice an old acquaintance . He was saying goodbye rather emotionally to an elderly lady. It took me a few moments in remembering where I had seen the lady, and then it struck me-it was his mother. Now I know for sure this acquaintance happens to live in the same city and works here as well. That left me baffled for some time. I could not think or accept the idea of having my parents stay in an old age home . This of course is my point of view and you may or may not agree with me. So please tell me if you do or do not and help me understand why ?
6 people like this
17 responses
• United States
22 Jul 08
While it might be hard to accept the idea alokn, sometimes, it's the best alternative for families. We never dreamed our parents would end up in Senior Care either, but sometimes the circumstances leave no other choices. We allowed our parents to live in their home until it was no longer safe for them. During this time, we had 2 different shifts of special needs nurses inside the home almost 24 hours a day. It finally got to the point where there was no alternative but to place them into Senior Care. We investigated several locations in our own community and finally ended up placing them in a facility several miles away. It was the only one we were assured they would be well taken care of and receive the best care. While it's hard to accept, sometimes, it's the only choice.
• United States
22 Jul 08
Also, no one ever wants to put their parents in a place like this but as I said earlier, sometimes, there is no other alternative. You never know what you will be forced to do until you have to face this kind of situation. For the most part, these facilities are not all that depressing. While they might appear depressing at first, these people (for the most part) are taken care of by highly trained individuals who specialize in geriatric care (care of the elderly). They are trained to care for the special needs of, not only the patient, but the needs of the family who love and respect their parents and want the very best for them. When the times comes for an elderly person that they cannot take care of themselves and need 24 hour care, while the children and grandchildren hold down jobs and have families to take care, they can't just give up everything they have to make sure the parent stays in their home. Sometimes, this is completely out of the question. Senior Care facilities have their place in our society. There is a real need for good care of our elderly. In most cases, the elderly are not place in these facilities and forgotten. The children alter their lives to be able to be with their parents as much as they can under all of the circumstances and burden they have to deal with when parents have to be taken care of in this manner.
2 people like this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
I fully appreciate and thank you for your honest views and opinion in the matter, and do understand that it an extremely difficult decision to take.I have personally not gone through the situation of having to decide, but have gone through the experience of having cared for a very sick parent for a relatively long period of time till her demise. I did so without any doubts in mind and have absolutely no regrets, only thougths of whether I could have done more. If you permit me, I would like to ask and very generally comprehend what makes those circumstances come about, and at what point do we draw the line saying this is where we can go till in terms of caring and making sacrifices ? True there are great advances in geriatric care , but they become that much more expensive,most of them are finally a commercial enterprise and will never be able to give or replace the love and caring of a family. Thanks again
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Jul 08
Well, every case will be different indeed. In our case, both my husband and I worked full time jobs. Both of our parents needed full-time care, which we couldn't give, unless we quit our jobs, which neither of us could afford to do. The best option for us, for a while, was to hire nurses to come stay with the parents. Later, their mental and physical health got so bad that they needed more intensive care. The only way they could get that care was in a senior care facility where they could be watched and cared for 24 hours a day. It didn't make any easier on us though. In fact, in some ways, it was harder. We were lucky that both parents were on Medicare and Medicaid. Medicare paid for the senior care facility and Medicaid paid for the medication. Otherwise, we would have been forced to pay for it on our own.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56170)
• Delhi, India
22 Jul 08
Alok, it is a real pity that some people do not hesitate to send their parents to old age home. It is feels disgusting to me. I would never ever do it, come what may. If you have seen the movie 'Lage raho Munna Bhai', the very issue was raised very effectily in that movie. Now you are telling the same story from a real life incident. That fellow, who left his mother at old age home, perhaps would have forgotten that one day, he will be as old as his mother and if his children sends give him the same treatment, how would that fellow feel.
2 people like this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
dpk, I strongly feel the way you do and I have seen the movie as well. The feeling is much stronger when you experience it in real life. At the same time I do not know the reasons for this person to have his mother in a home. That is what is perplexing and will remain so till I understand his reasons as well. It may have been a very hard and emotional one for him too. Its from the thoughts and inputs from all my friends here that I am trying to get a better perspective of this . Thanks for sharing your deep and strong emotional thoughts on this.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56170)
• Delhi, India
22 Jul 08
I appreciate your views on the issue. It is such an emotional issue, which compels everybody to think deeper into it.
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
23 Jul 08
dpk, It certainly is an emotional issue and after reading some of the responses I personally have got into a very deep thinking mode. Thanks
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
22 Jul 08
This is sad! I cannot see this happening under any circumstances. Just imagine the plight of the parent who has to leave his/her family after all that he/she does for it! This is an unhappy thing in our society. I heard that a law is to be implemented where the parents would have the right to the children's property as well! And the Children would have to look after their parents. This is a good idea, the effectiveness is cloudy though in a society like ours. However, having said this, I know of a family where the widowed mother opted for the old home and is very happy there. It was her choice and both the son, his wife, kids and her have wonderful understanding among them! Sadly, this is but an exception.
2 people like this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
Mimpi, I am with you on this, and have been very troubled by it. More so because it happens in a society like ours in which our parents are paramount to us. What goes wrong to bring someone whom we give such high regard and respect down to this level ? While the law plays its part in giving recourse to the parents who are wronged and serves as a deterrent, what can we do in situations where the parents are made to go through an emotional barrage and then accept or take this decision because they still love their children ? They silently bear and suffer and this I'm sure a lot of parents atleast in our society have to go through. They may not want to go through a legal recourse as they do not want to hurt their own blood. As always, your thoughts adds so much more to this discussion.
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
23 Jul 08
This is really sad! There are so many cases of parents abuse and its a shame on us!! Thanks for a nice discussion. will write more later.....
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
23 Jul 08
It makes me extremely sad the deeper I go into it. Thanks again
@srpkinja (375)
• Canada
22 Jul 08
I could not let my parents live in an old age home. They have raised me and given me everything over the years and are great parents; doing that to them is a slap in the face. After everything, you just throw them away for strangers to watch them. I would rather take care of my parents, healthy or sick than have other people take care of them, not knowing how they are being treated. Thats my opinion.
2 people like this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
I really appreciate and thank you for sharing your opinion. Have a great day.
1 person likes this
@bbsr13 (4198)
• India
21 Jul 08
Hello,I don't understand what makes the youngsters of today to send the parents in their old age to Old Age Home or Nursing Home run by the NGOs or private people.how they forget all their sacrifice for their education,health care,and everything.they should understand that what they are doing today for their old parents they will one day face the same problem in their old age.their children will also send them to the old age home.this culture should be banned.fortunately the government of India have enacted law for punishment to the sons of the abandoned parents.I think in India such things may not happen to the older people.thanx.
@Margajoe (4720)
• Germany
22 Jul 08
Hi, I think that depends on the situation. As long as your parents are healthy and are able to look after themselves, they should not need to go to an old age home. And when they have troubles taking care of themselves and you have the time and don't live to far away. You take care of them. When there is no one living close by, and when you have a big family yourself or a good job.There would be no one to look after them. And if they are sick and need medical help. I would talk them into a home. But, I will try to put it in such a way that they think they made the decision themselves. Right know I am in a terrible situation. My parents are 70 and 74 living in Holland. I am 42, living in Berlin. I bought the house they are living in, with them together. Financially we cannot afford that house anymore. I am an only child. I love it here in Berlin and don't want to live in Holland again. They are trying to make me come back home. This way I will be able to pay everything and still have nothing left over for me. Don't I have a right to live my life? I tried living there , did that for more or less 10 years.(27 to 40 years old) I felt like a kid. I was being treated as a kid. Always needing to say where I am going. Can not take any friends home, or I will be judged on my bad pick of friends. A lot of negative stress. I love my parents, but hay, I need some air. But, I will try to help the best I can. Take care.
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
Life is tough for both you and your parents as you stay in a different city. It's also a difficult decision to take when both the children and parents have their own firm points of view . I wish you all the best and am sure you will make the best efforts in taking care of your parents. Thanks
1 person likes this
@Margajoe (4720)
• Germany
22 Jul 08
Thank you very much. Though I sometimes feel like I have been the parent. And I would like someone to take care of me. My BF is doing his best. LOL. I was adopted , but sometimes I feel like I was bought. I am always responsible. Take care.
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
23 Jul 08
Thanks again
@karmendra (1123)
• India
24 Jul 08
i don't think that i can do that for my parents. i don't know even why i can't do that. if i can't survive with them i can leave away for sometime. that is my dream that i want to bye a home for my mother because we don't have our personal home. how can i have my mother to stay in and old age home.
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
24 Jul 08
Karmendra, I share your sentiments. I too have built a home for my parents and would not have at any point of time thought of having them stay in an old age home. Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Jul 08
I had to put my dad in a nursing home about 6 years ago. I was worried about him living alone with his health problems. It was the hardest decision of my life but I did it out of love for my dad. I was a nursing assistant in the same nursing home that my dad was in, so we still got to see each other daily and we used to take our meals together. Now that my dad is deceased, I treasure those moments that I had with him. Sometimes it is for the best that you put your parents in a nursing home because of their health and that you know someone is there looking out for them when you can't be. If they are able to live independently, that is great. Check out the nursing homes or old age homes carefully if you have to make that decision, ask questions and take a tour with your parents.
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
23 Jul 08
I'm sure that your dad would have treasured those moments as well. It makes so much of a difference when the parent knows that he or she has a loved one around. Thanks for the response and have a great day.
@lazeebee (5468)
• Malaysia
22 Jul 08
Oh gosh, I wouldn't want to place my parents in an old age home; unless they need medical care that I'm not qualified for, but then, that would be a nursing home. Sometimes people have their private reasons for placing their parents in old age home - it could be that their spouses or children do not want the old folks around, but that's rather terrible , isn't it? There are also old folks who prefer to stay at these homes, among people of their age, when they have activities and friends, maybe more fun than staying home with their children and grandchildren, who probably ignore them half the time!
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
lazeebee, Yes, what you say is very very true and this is what happens in a lot of instances. It is extremely sad to see situations where the parents get ignored or are not given the required attention and are then have no option but to take a decision to move away to a home. Thank you.
• Philippines
22 Jul 08
It is also against my will to put my parents in a home for the aged place. As a som it is a responsibility to take care of their parents in return no matter how poor or cruel your situation is. I just hope some people would do the same thing to their parents. No matter how bad or naughty theur parents have been. :D
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
I share your views. Thanks a ton for responding
• China
22 Jul 08
this is really a big problem in modern families. Actually, a lot of sons and daughters find that they cannot get along with their parents because of the generation gap. this problem always cause conflicts. Finally, they cannot bear and then send their parents to the old age home.This situation can be understood. But some did this just because they are unfilial.this should be fustigated
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
The generation gap may be there in terms of conflicting views on certain issues and behavourial aspects, but that according to me should not change the basic human values. I do appreciate your comments and am happy that you share my concers. Thanks and have a great day.
@gwoman2 (711)
• United States
22 Jul 08
Hi Alokn99, I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately I don't have any parents :-( but if I did I would never even contemplate a nursing home. I work for an agency where we train Nurse Aides and LPNs and I've heard horror stories about the treatment of patients at nursing homes. Many, many, young ladies and men too, that have trained for this type of job have opted for something other than nursing because of the people (nurses & aides) who have demonstrated disdain for the elderly...even supervisors!! I have told my daughters many times: if I ever get too old where I cannot take care of my own basic needs I will truly "check myself out of life"!! By the way, I read all the responces you received and am soooooooooooo happy to see that many would NOT place their parents or parent in a home!! Kudos to them and you too!! ~G~
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
I share your happiness in seeing the number of responses agreening with me that they would not put their parents in a home. The strong views and emotion behind it makes it so much more special and meaningful and reminds us on how important loving,caring , sharing ... is for our loved ones and how this makes this life so more meaningful. I am sure your daughters will most willingfully look after you no matter how old you are. God bless and thank you.
• Philippines
22 Jul 08
Good day.. I can't imagine myself to leave my parents in home for the aged. I just can't I'd rather cut my time from every possible way I can even from mylot and take care of her than put her in there. Putting her there is also like killing a part of me. I love her and I can't bear to leave her. If ever her time would come I want to be there for her and hold her till her last breath.
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
This is exactly the love , regard and willingness to sacrifice for the parents which you put forward so well that seems to be forgotten or disregarded. God Bless and thank you very very much. You have put forward the very important aspect of 'making time.
• United States
22 Jul 08
I think that old age homes are necessary evils. And I don't mean that in a wrong way. I would rather keep my parents with me. My Dad passed away many years ago and my Mom is still living. She is 87 and is in a wheelchair. She gets around great and lives in her home with my brother. Now to address the old age homes. Sometimes a person wants to take care of their parents or parent as the case may be and is not able to. Due to a few things. There being a lot of lifting to help the parent out of the chair and help them go to the bathroom. Different things like that. Or the person has a schdule where they are required to be at work for many hours. Not enough room in the home. Those are just a few that come to mind. The biggest thing is when a loved one is put in a home to continue visiting regularly and phoning and even sending them a card saying that they are loved. I worked in a nursing home and it was a sad thing. There were many people there that had no visitors and they had family that lived close by. There was one person that his son lived right in town. And he wasn't the only one like that there were many and it tore me up to see this. These people don't deserve to be done this way. I can understand having to put them in a old age home what I don't understand is the person and family not coming to visit them regularly. That is the sad part of a old age home.
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
You have added such a touching aspect to this discussion and that is your perspective on having experienced this during the period that you worked in a home. It would have been very difficult for you to see this and comprehend. The homes and nursing homes, are required in cases of specialised care, which may be extremely difficult to give in a house. As you have also mentioned and in the case that made me start this discussion, the person stays in the same city and moreso the mother was not bedridden. The part about the children not visiting their parents make this even sadder. Thanks for the response, really appreciate it.
@DakySlo (72)
• Slovenia
22 Jul 08
somethimes it is better if a person goes there, for different reasons
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
Thanks for the response. May i know what the reasons are?
1 person likes this
@naty1941 (2336)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Maybe he is physically and emotionally unable to take care of his mother. Maybe he works but can't afford a nurse for her. There are many reasons why a person would put the parent in a Nursing home.
1 person likes this
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
21 Jul 08
I agree with you that they may be reasons. Just for the purpose of this discussion , Would you not agree that parents put aside all kind of reasons make all sorts of sacrifices and endure all sorts of difficulties that they face in bring up their children. Would the children not seriously consider this beforer making their decision ? Thanks for the response and have a great day.
2 people like this
@inia_54 (176)
• Malaysia
22 Jul 08
As a mother it cross my mind too, when I am old, and could'nt take care of myself, would my children send me to old age home? If I am staying with children, will I be a burden to them? It isn't easy you know to take care sick, old people. It cost a lot too to hire a maid. Sometimes we have to be rationale. I think staying in old folks home is not that bad. We have friends to share our lives and professional caretaker to look after us. It just the perception of society we need to change.
@alokn99 (5717)
• India
22 Jul 08
Mother's love their children so much and do not want to make life difficult for their children. I'm sure you have been or are equally concerned about your parents and would not easily want them to go to a home. So is it wrong to expect the children to look after a parent in thier old age. Thanks