Would you down grade your child's other parent or grandchildren's other parent?

United States
July 22, 2008 10:46am CST
My son has been on a trip with my ex's parents for the last week! They are in California now! They have been camping. He has been having a wonderful time with his brother. He just called and asked for a bus ticket in tears. His grandma has been sitting there degrading me! Non stop and the poor kid can't take anymore. The poor kid only knows what state he is in, kind of hard to get a bus ticket. The grandma will not let him talk to me , so he has been texting me. I really upsets me! I do not down grade there son to my boys! Why do they have to be so mean and down grade their mother to the kids. I think it is awful! No respect! What is the poor kid suppose to say when you got a lady yelling about your mother that you love dearly. Those ex inlaw do not even know me. I was nice enough to let him go! Not crazy about the idea but knew I need to! Then they do this. I think this is mean and cruel. If I talk to the woman she hangs up on me! Do your ex inlaws do this? Talk bad about you to your children?
2 people like this
13 responses
@raclie (1734)
• Singapore
23 Jul 08
that is really immuture of that lady.... i hope your child is ok and maybe you can just talk to your ex about his mom's behaviour? or if the worst comes you can just not let your son go but let his brother come instead....
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jul 08
My ex is impossible to talk to! He carries a superior attitude. He hangs up on me every time I voice my opinion. He is difficult to work with! My kids will figure this out!
@deebomb (15347)
• United States
23 Jul 08
People like your ex in laws just don't realize that they are shooting them selves in the foot. As soon as your son is old enough to have a say he won't be going to visit those grandparents. It is too bad that some people just don't realize how they are hurting them selves. My daughter' husband's mother is the same way and she is hurting herself with her son. He really doesn't like his mother very much.
• United States
23 Jul 08
You are right! She is driving him away!
@bunnybon7 (33113)
• Holiday, Florida
23 Jul 08
my 3 oldest kids dad and grandmother always did. i just always put it to them that they just wanted to keep them to theirselves and thought that would help their cause to lie. as a result, they disliked visiting for any amount of time. after they were grown, now they respect and love me more because they can see for theirselves how manipulating and lying these people can be. 2 of them have very little contact with them and 1 just tells them if they want a relationship dont talk about me. i didnt do that to them because my mother did it to me about my dad and i didnt respect her for that.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jul 08
He already has lost respect for his dad because of this! The grandma is ruining it. I have a feeling when he gets back here he will think twice before going again. It was a big step for him to go this time and by her doing this it is pushing him further away.
@inia_54 (176)
• Malaysia
23 Jul 08
Yes, it is cruel of your ex's parents to do that to your son. But it is good to hear that your son is not at all convince and jump to their side. Now that you know they are not sincere, you should stop sending your son to stay with them. You have your own life and just concentrate on your family. I am facing similar situation with my mother in-law. She down grade my husband (her son) by telling me that he was a bad person and had mistreated his ex-wife before. It is not that I do not want to believe her. It was his past life. People change and I can see it is happening to him now. He is a loving husband and he visits his ex-wife and children regularly. After his divorce, he is on better relationship with his ex and they get along very well. Som why is my mother-in-law poisoning my mind about my husband's past life?
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jul 08
That Is awful! You would think she would want her son to be happy and except that he has changed! Not try and scare you off.
@parthag (145)
• India
23 Jul 08
It is really a very sad incidence. When we elders join together we do sometimes discuss and curse each other for the mistakes or wrong things which we have done to each other. All this discussions and cursing should not take place in front our children as their young minds can always get a wrong impression of one's parents. We should strictly follow this and avoid our children to go and fall into such situation.
1 person likes this
@boerema (60)
23 Jul 08
Completely unfair for the grandma to act in that way. Shes taking out the problem she has with you on your son and it is not fair at all to him. It is your son and you should have the right to be his guardian and caretaker, not this grandma.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28927)
• United States
22 Jul 08
That is awful, but in the end it's only going to make your son dislike them and he will probably think twice the next time he is invited to go somewhere with them. It's pretty bad they won't even let him call you. Sounds pretty close to abduction. You don't even know where he is, that makes it worse. If it were me, I'd probably call the cops and tell them what is going on. Tell them the child wants to come home, but the grandparents won't let him, and they won't let him speak to you, and you don't even know where he is.
• United States
23 Jul 08
My son has calmed down now. I just want to fix it for him and I can! He called this evening and is going to tough it out! He did tell grandma the way it is!
• United States
23 Jul 08
I sure hope she listens. I think the whole situation is wrong. But now you know to think twice the next time they ask to take him somewhere. He may not even want to go.
• Canada
22 Jul 08
I wonder if your ex said things to her to make her hate you so that she would forgive him for leaving you and breaking up the family. Unfortunately you cannot control the behaviour of others, so she is going to do what she is going to do. It is horrible for her to hurt your son this way. Tell him to say in plain language, "You hurt ME when you talk about my mother like that. You can have your opinion, but I do NOT want to hear it. Please stop talking like that about her in front of me." Maybe it will stop. Maybe it won't. But at least they will be reminded that they hurt him, which is not fair. Would they talk like that about his father to him? I doubt it.
• United States
23 Jul 08
Dragon I called my son and finally got though and told him to say what you said. He called back tonight and does not want a bus ticket anymore. It put the wind bag in here place and she was silent the rest of the day! Thank you! I do not talk bad about their dad but he does and his family does and it does not bother me. What bothers me is they are hurting my kids. I hope this works.
1 person likes this
• Canada
25 Jul 08
So how are things now? I hope he is having a good time and that they realise that they should stop hurting the boy. I hope his life is more positive around them now.
@ZephyrSun (7387)
• United States
22 Jul 08
I remember the first time my child verbally told me about my ex inlaws and his father talking bad about me. It made me so mad. My child told me I was not a good mother because we didn't go to church every Sunday. I was hopping mad, and explained to him that I had to work to pay the bills and since I had to work on Sunday mornings that is why we couldn't go to church. As my children have gotten older they are the ones that talk bad about their "father" who is honestly little more than a sperm donor with shared parenting. They are so mad at him for talking bad about me, and his bad talk hasn't mad the children not like me it has only made them hate him. I tried to talk to him about it and my words fell on deaf ears. I'm sorry your son has to experience this, maybe if this situation comes up again, let him have the choice to go or not. Good luck!
• Canada
22 Jul 08
good point. It does hurt the children more than anyone. He was lashing out at you but hit the hits with his words by accident. I don't have nice words for my ex either, but I never say the crappy ones to his children. They know that they are half me and half him, so if I hate him openly, they will think that I half hate them, too. It is emotionally confusing for a child. Divided loyalties. It's not fair. Give the children the power of communication, and look hard for positives to provide them with. There must have been something good between you once upon a time or the child wouldn't even exist, right? Look for those things and tell the happy stories. There no such thing as too much happiness provided for a child.
@ZephyrSun (7387)
• United States
22 Jul 08
Very good point Dragon, I remember as we were divorcing seeing this stand up comedy act about parenting and divorce, the lady said to never say anything bad in front of your children about your ex because when they discover those things on their own that look on their face is priceless. I wanted to experience that and I have and I feel that it is extremely sad. I didn't and still don't have a great relationship with my biological father (not for those reasons) and I have tried to explain to my ex how and what he is doing to the relationship that he once had with his children and well I might as well tell my dog because I have better conversations with my dog than my ex.
@ravinskye (8245)
• United States
22 Jul 08
wow that is terrible. i don't have ex in laws, but i bet my inlaws would do that to me if they were my ex inlaws. they talk about my brother in laws wife all the time and they are still married! that is terrible. i feel so bad for your son. i can't believe anyone would do that. what are they hoping to get out of it? i would not let your son go with them anymore. that is ridiculous. I probably would go so far as to cut them off completely. i know in some states grandparents have rights and they could sue you to see him but i would seriously limit contact to them only seeing him when you are around.
• United States
22 Jul 08
I can not ban him from seeing them because my other son lives with his father and then they would not let me see him. so I am stuck! I could do that my son is 15 so he can say where he wants to go! My other son is only 13 that lives with him. I will be so happy when they get 18 and I do not have to worry about these things anymore!
• Canada
22 Jul 08
It's hard to think how these situations become so convoluted and confused. The sad truth is that they don't have to like you. They did not marry you, your ex did. Hang in there, give him the tools to express his feelings to them. Provide as much positivity for him as you can. tend his wounds and remind him that you will ALWAYS love him, not matter what they do or say.
• United States
22 Jul 08
Sad and very wrong that someone claiming to love a child would do such a thing. I went through this as well. My son's father as well as his parents were blooming idiots! ALOT of things happened. I always told my son that I knew they loved him. I tried beyond belief NEVER to talk about them badly infront of him. Believe me, it was not easy! When it was necessary, I would say things like.. "I do not want YOU to do that." or if somthing was not safe.. I would say " I do not want you to do that!" without saying they are freekin idiots and have bad judgment. You see? Alot happened in all of those years. I cried many many tears. My son cried many tears. Always know that the child loves those other people too. It is beyond your control. To make a long miserible story shorter.. When my son was 19, on Mothersday he called me to say-- "Mom, I really love you. I appreciate that you never put down my Dad or talked about about him no matter what he did. You let me decide it for myself. If you had of kept me from him or made me hate him I probably would have blamed you. I needed to see it for myself. I see him for what he is." He thanked me for that and told me again how much he loved me. At that moment I knew that without a doubt, I had done the right thing.
• United States
23 Jul 08
I will do this! I have been trying to do this. Know matter how awful those people are I still tell him when he say neg stuff about his dad or family that they all love him. That is why he is on this trip! I do think he got it figure out today and told grandma to stop it and she was silent all day!
• India
23 Jul 08
Hi honey, I am sorry you had to experience this. It looks like your ex mother-in-law has a prejudice against you; however, this is no excuse to downgrade you before your child. This is a bad experience for the child too. Isn't it possible to rescue your boy from there? And I don't think it is a good idea to send the child with them again. You can never change other people; ultimately, we have to change ourselves and protect ourselves from the pain that others so unwittingly inflict. I hope things turn out alright. Cheers and happy mylotting
• United States
23 Jul 08
Your son will respect you more in the end. Children do not need to hear that crap from anyone so as hard as it might be for you, do not lower yourself to their tactics by cutting them down to him. He desreves a relationship with his grandparents no matter how they like to degrade you. He knows what the truth is, that's all that matters. But I agree with all of you. It shows how immature and ignorant these grandparents are.