I love him, but...

July 25, 2008 8:40pm CST
I lived with this guy for almost three years now and we have an only son. We never got married because I don't want to. He was a responsible husband and father to my son. But these past few weeks I noticed that he often invited his friends to our house and they will have a drinking session. At first I did not mind it but my husband started to woke up late always and he got fired at work because of excessive tardiness and absences. I am working and tired when I got home, but he doesn't do the household chores like washing the dishes. He always said that he was busy taking care of our two year old. If you are in my situation, what would you do? I love my husband but I am tired already of our set up. Thanks in advance!
5 people like this
21 responses
@keasling (724)
• United States
26 Jul 08
Boy this is a hard one. This is when you two need to sit and really discuss how you are feeling. If you can't talk it out maybe write your feelings down and put it somewhere he can find it. It took almost losing my husband to be able to tell him how i was feeling. He didn't realize that what he was saying tome was not only hurting me but killing my self esteem. It is taking awhile but we both are trying to make our marriage work. We have three kids to watch out for.
2 people like this
26 Jul 08
I talked to him last night but he just shouted at me, telling me that I should wait 'till he got a new job. Well, I will give him another chance. Thanks for the advice!
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Jul 08
I'd get some sort of marriage councelling or talk to a trusted pastor, or something. Mind you I wouldn't put up with that at all, bu that's just me. My husband doesn't do stuff like that.
2 people like this
26 Jul 08
Good for you for having a nice husband. Maybe you are right, I will talk to him about it. Thank you very much!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jul 08
Well I would sit him down and tell him straight if your not looking for work, then you should be keeping the house tidy and taking care of our son. I just quit my job a month ago, I take care of my 17 month old son, and my 8 year old daughter and the house. Whatever is needed to do, i do it so my husband doesn't have to do anything when i get home. I don't work, if I did work I would be running around all day so why can't I do it at my own house. I look for jobs online, during the day and I stay up late looking too. So he should have no excuse. Just sit him down and tell him right out. Don't let him get away with it what ever you do!
2 people like this
• United States
26 Jul 08
Seek counselling or leave him. He will get the message if you leave him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
you have to talk with him about it. tell him that you don't like what he's been doing and he's putting you're relationship in danger. tell him that you two are couple and he must help you with everything. be honest but not too harsh, remember he's still a guy with an ego.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
I will respond with a male point of view. I think that there is a big chance for you to work it out. Your husband maybe needs some attention from you since you have been busy with your work. And he found that attention to his friends that is why he invited them in your house for some drinking session. Good thing that he never forget to look after your son, it means that he is still trying to be a good father, though not enough. About household chores, maybe he's not used to it and you have to teach him how to do those things. He promised you that he will look for a new job, great that you gave him a chance. You have to talked together about your situation, helping one another for the sake of your son. He lost his job and I'm sure he was devastated by it. Assure him of your love and support. Don't give up. God bless!
@KrauseHome (35324)
• United States
26 Jul 08
Well, since you are not Married to him legally, you do have a few more choices than couples that are Married, but if you are Married, then you really need to consider a few things there are well. You have mentioned that you do Love him, but at the same time, you are worried about him. For someone to go to caring, and supportive Financially to not caring about themselves like this is quite unnatural, and usually does not just happen overnight unless they themselves are unhappy with something in their life. Your best Bet would be to try and seek some help and counseling for your boyfriend before it becomes an even worse problem. Maybe he does not see what he is doing as anything wrong. It could be he has allowed his friends to oversee his life, or that he got scared due to all the responsibilities that come with being a Father and an adult. At any means, I would try to find what is Best and then go from there. You have a Son to take care of, and a life to lead and live. So the choice is yours from here.
26 Jul 08
Hello sultrybab First get rid of his friends then talk to your husband tell him how you feel, tell to go find another job and start doing things that he should, I know taken care a child is hard work hundreds of women do it with no problems so tell to wake and smell the coffee.You can't do every thing so talk to him. Tamarafireheat.
• Brazil
26 Jul 08
i believe this is your choice what i or someone other person say here won't make difference about what you fell for your husband and i think you should try to fix the things with him. maybe sit a little and explain what is happening and you do not want this or that and i believe he will say somethings you are doing wrong too but this things only you both shall have the answers. i hope you have luck trying to do something about it. thanks, Scorpionok
@Anne19 (300)
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
I think we're on the same shoes a couple of years ago. You're husband is more ok as compared to mine. But I have lived with him for four years but eventually I get tired, and very much hurt. But since your husband has just started being like that, maybe you can still work things out. Sometimes, I regret I've never been more patient, because if I do then maybe I am sill with the man I love. You see we've been separated for like two years but I'm still not totally over him. If you really love him don't give up just because of those things... be more patient. You know why, because if you let him go you might realize you'd rather be tired and be with him than brokenhearted all by yourself.
@Kemboi (341)
• Eldoret, Kenya
26 Jul 08
Your marriage is a kind of come we stay. You refuse to legalized because of the best reason known by you. Somehow it is hard to address this issue becaouse there are so many bendings. the ball is on your side you need to blay well by balancing your commitment. I personaly I do travell alot in my country and my wife has asumed I am not arround though I give her money, and she is working, she has learned to balance her house chore and her place of work. Yes she sometimes get tired and I am away only recently I have hiret her a house girl to help in other house chores. With your issue may be you could humbly talk to your husband in a humble way and settle down your issue it you alone will work on. since you didn`t want to formilize your relationship.
@sk66rc (4261)
• United States
26 Jul 08
How long has this been going on? I see that he started having a drinking session with his buddies & that ultimately caused him to loose his job... How long has he been out of the job? Since he was fired from his job, does he still invites his buddies over & have one of those "drinking sessions"? How was your relationship prior to him starting to do this, drinking sessions with his friends? It could be one of the few things, or combination of few things... One possible reason or case might be that he could be under a lot of stress & doesn't know how to handle it & just wants to vent, but not sure how to... From what it sounds like, he's been a good father & responsible husband... He just doesn't know how to express his emotions to you... Some guys have an easier time talking to his guy friends than their own mother... Another reason might be, whatever he's gone through, this just might be a "blow off phase"... Taking some time off to really blow off some steams... I do understand he has responsibilities around the house & he should live up to those responsibilities... I'm not taking his side but at the same time, may be trying to figure out what his reasons are for doing what he's doing... Give him a little space if you haven't done that already... If you have, then sit him down... Talk to him... Let him know you care & you're there to help & listen...
@snowbitz (487)
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
Sorry to hear that.My husband is not like that at all but i will base my suggestion to the husband of my friend.You both have the same situation by the way in every sense of the word.What she did was talk to him i know you already done that he is now in a denial stage because he lose his job due to his own fault.And most of all he is eaten up by his pride.Because you are the one who is working and there is jealousy also because h might be thinking that you are having a good time at work while he is left with all the household chores and also the kid.Maybe that is the reason why he never do the chores.So make him feel important spend time to with him.I know you will say that you barely have time for yourself.You're situation is not normal so in order to make things work between the both of you one must make an effort.And if everything does not work you need counseling already.Talk to someone who is an expert to that field.But i know that prayer is powerful than anything i am praying for you sister.Believe in God and believe in your mylot family we are here for your at least in prayer and moral support
• Malaysia
26 Jul 08
In my opinion, as a guy, your husband is irresponsible not only for you, but to your family too. Even though you loved him, but doesnt mean that you must spoilt him very much. My suggestion is, go to the marriage councellor, not only you, but with hium. If he dont want, explain to him the benefits when you go to see the councellor. Hope, your love everlasting!
• United States
26 Jul 08
There is the advantage in this situation of yours, which is the fact that you never got married. This means that you most likely wouldn't need to go through the trouble of divorcing him, but if it goes to the court, it might be a little difficult to see who gets custody of the child. Nevertheless, I might say it easier than it really is, but first off, discuss this problem with him. If he's a man and can take criticism, then he'd start living up to his responsibilities, which is only a consolation job because he got fired from his real one. If he ignores you or gives a violent reaction though, then the next step is to get away from him and take the child. It sounds heartless and all for him to lose his child, but that's the only way I see it past just giving polite criticism.
@asm_ph37 (60)
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
It will be best to discuss to him what you feel on the situation. He might have a fair reason for his behavior.
@lingli_78 (12845)
• Australia
26 Jul 08
well, i will have a serious talk with him and bring up my concerns... i can't let him behave like that especially in front of my son... if it doesn't work, then i will leave him as i am not married to him anyway and i have no commitment with him... i will take my son with me and leave him alone to think and reflect on his actions if i can't talk to him... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
• United States
26 Jul 08
i love her .... but she dont even see me .... i want to marry her ... but she dont even come in front of me ... =[, i want to kissss her but she dont show me her lips ... i want to love her but she dont come with me ...
@yenwie84 (1345)
• Malaysia
26 Jul 08
I think you need to talk with your husband to sort out solutions. You need to find out whether he still love the family or not. Try to get mutual understanding and you have to express how you feel towards his acts.
@lily3753 (390)
• China
26 Jul 08
So how long did it happen? I think you had better communication with him deeply. Tell him your situation and what you feel of him . And if he love you ,I 'm sure he will change . Or maybe he is under great press?? So just speak out ,what you think .