Would you stay in marraige even if your no longer happy?

@mycharm88 (2292)
Philippines
July 29, 2008 5:59am CST
Good day everyone c",) "MY LIFE IS MISERABLE!!!!" My friend says... When love is so strong at first (before marraige). YOu were married like a princess with the man of your dreams.. the ceremony was perfect.. But things have changed after that. He is away working abroad (on a ship). You are left alone with the kids lving with your inlaws who doesn't like you, sees you as nothing,a nobody, always sees your faults not the good things you do. w/ a rude brother inlaw and his wife...how awful right?LOVE HAS GROWN COLD... The first year in marrige was quite alright but now???miserable! she would say. As the years passed by (3 yrs) you both are seeing each other every after 6 months (but spent no quality time with you and your kids because he have to go somewhere else to again WORK!) You see him bored when your alone with you but sees his face shine when his friends invite to hangout. He plays with the kids just for awhile and then with his laptop.. You cannot tell him you're hurt and you wanted him to listen to you about your sufferings while he's away but he would just say that "you're too emotional, insecure and sensitive" what kind of a man is that!!!ughh! i just hate him. She wants to leave that house with her 2 kids and don't want to do anything with that family again. But just don't have enough money to suport her kids. She said she would do anything for her kids because they're her happiness. They keep her holding on to life. I use to think that she will have a perfect life with him, that she is so lucky to have him... but i was wrong, we were wrong... Is it right that she should live? What can i do to help her? pls i need your advice friends...thanks in advance
5 people like this
26 responses
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
29 Jul 08
One... you have to look at the whole picture. A marraige can work, even when they work abroad. But family can destroy that. I to live in a marraige where I don't know what to expect from day to day. But, I do take my vowes to heart. I do love my husband, but I don't like some of the things he does. His family can't stand me. But I didn't marry them. So I don't care what they think or how they feel. And if I had to live with them, my marriage wouldn't last eather. The first thing you need to do. Is tell your husband you NEED you own place. That the marraige won't last this way. Once you are in your own place you are able to end the boardem with creating a home structure. Then, find the time to create that magic moments again. Family and money...I feel are the biggest destroyers of most marriages. Even though my husband upsets me, I had to dig down deep to reach my deep down feeling and I know I love him, I just don't like him and I am sure there are things he doesn't like about me all the time. He is a profectionist. I am a laid back kind of person, I try not to let things get to me, to bad. Sometime that doesn't work, But I have learned to follow my own heart, And become very careful on what others tell me. A couple of month ago, I was on the verg of leaving my husband, do to put down, his kid, and family. I learned then...Don't talk to your family about your problem...They have away of turn minor problem into major problem. You might find yourself, leasoning more to them and less to yourself and what the problem really are. And it sound to me...The problem isn't so much as him, as it is his family. So determane the problem and cut that part loose. I take it the he is military, If that's the case there is no reason why you and your children should have to stay with his family when he's gone. I know sometimes the money can be tight. But sometimes you need to be creative. Think about things you like to do.(crafts, babysitting, photography, etc.) Trun it into a buisness. Where there's a will....there's a way.
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Hello there my friend c",) That is exactly what my friend wants. She want's a place of their own, even if she had to pay the rent, she want's a smaller place for her and her kids...But her husband doesn't listen. There was a time wherein they both come up with the decission that they would find some place of their own but suddenly his mind changed. I'm happy to know about your family, doing well and you are a strong person... I know God has reasons why this happened to my friend but i just wish there is something i could do for her. Thank you for sharing that dear and take care...
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Aug 08
Ya, I think there is a reason for everything that happeneds. But, by making her live with his family and not talking to her will and has cause her to go else where for conversation and human contact. I know the loneliness of not having someone to talk to. I know the hurt family can cause. But, is he making her live there in order to drive her away? She needs to ask him that. If the love is gone and can't be fixed them there's no reason to drag something on that will end up over anyhow. Sometime, it take someone living in order for the other to realize what they had. Have you ever heard the song by,Mendi Magridy, Maybe he'll notice her now. Check it out and lesson to it. I think that maybe just how she is feeling. I've been there! He needs to explain to her why they can't have a place of there own...After all, he is working and it sound as if he has a job that he make enough to support his wife and children on his own. If that is the case, he needs to be a Man and take care of his family.. Men don't understand the deep feeling a women feels. there just not made that way. sometime you have to draw a picture, if you know what I mean. I hope she can find the happiness that her heart so desires. The touch, talk, the feeling that she mean everything to him. Cause after, putting up with his family, should show him that he means everything to her. Now it's time for him to quite taking and start giving alittle of himself to her and the kids. And stop give to his parents, brother, etc....
2 people like this
@anex08 (868)
• Philippines
30 Jul 08
They should have a long good talk first. Maybe the relationship gets colder because they used to live far from each other. Some reminiscing would be a big help if both parties are willing to talk to each and acknowledge that they are having a problem. She must make things sure before heading into a big decision, it will affects her life and the life of the kids as well. Goodluck to you and your friend
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
yes, it is not that easy to just decide... She is quite confused as of now, about her husbands' love for her. Is she still important or if the love is no longer there. I would suggest her to again talk to him when hes home. Thank you so much my friend c",) God bless
• United States
30 Jul 08
Man, but sometimes that rollercoaster you just want to get up, phew. I think that was a perfect metaphor and now I have come to expect it, and I guess it does match the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus effect that relationships work like a rubberband being pulled tight then let loose. When your new to a relationship though, a newlywed--its feels like a hurricane sometimes because what happens a lot of time (not Always) is that people go into it wanting to maintain control and it turns into a power fight and eventually something has to give--some people divorce, others stay in it fighting and then others are fortunate enough to realize--hey, I don't need to fight like this, were in this together. Sounds cheesy but thats what Im starting to realize--ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN, your best interest are those children and you and your mate will understand that your happiness is so much a part of your childrens and if your mate gets the same satisfaction out of giving them the best life you can give, then whats the fight, its about power, that is ultimately an illusion.
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Wow! thanks for sharing your thoughts here dear friend. You are right, i will tell my friend about what you said. Thank you so much and God bless you friend c",)
@MaeTsuen (257)
• Philippines
29 Jul 08
o.0 so hard to decide... maybe you 2 should sit and talk things over. Try to relieve the old memories, let him remember the love that you have before you guys got married...bring him to the place when you had your first kiss, 1st date,, do the things what you did on your first date. Thus in talking, talk to him in a nice way, let him know how you feel and etc. try this.. if things don't change i really don't know what to do. as far as i am concerned save the marriage as much as you can =/ good luck
2 people like this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Hi there dear c",) Thank you somuch for saying that, i guess there is still hope for my friend's marraige. I do hope too that things will work for them. I will tell her about your advice though. Thank you my friend and take care c",)
1 person likes this
@williamjisir (22912)
• China
29 Jul 08
Hello dear friend mycharm. I think that it would be better for this friend of yours to live away from her in-laws to avoid the unhappy situation. I think that the relationship will be getting better if they don't live together. Besides, her husband is supposed to pay for the renting fee and other daily expenses if he does not want to see her and his parents unhappy. What do you think, friend? Thank you for your discussion. Good night.
2 people like this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Hello dear william, i know it's just right that they should move out from the inlaws. That's what she plan to do, she always wanted to leave that house and have a place of their own. BUt her husband doesn't want to. What can i do my friend? c",) Thanks for responding and tc always
1 person likes this
@howard96h (11684)
• New York, New York
29 Jul 08
I read the discussion and can understand how your friend feels but let's look at it from a different angle. She said in the beginning the marriage was great then the kids came along and she is living with her in-laws which makes her very unhappy. If her husband did not work she would be complaining about that, the man is working on a ship, I am sure they both discussed this before he took the job, no where does it say he is not supporting his children or her. If she is so unhappy she should move and not be living with his family. Her and her husband need to work their problems out, I don't think leaving is a solution just because he is away working on a ship for 6 months. What about if he was in the military and sent away would this be any better? No it wouldn't because at least he comes home every 6 months. Maybe they need to discuss him finding another job but is appears he is working and supporting his family and no where does it mention that he is being unfaithful to her, abusive to her or the children or a bad husband/father. So I think there is a chance for them to work this out.
2 people like this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
I guess you're right dear... I should try to convince her to talk it out with her husband. She is not sure though if the husband has been unfaithful. Now she have doubts if he does, because she feel that he's bored when they're alone. Just this year he took her out on a date to celebrate late her birthday and valentines day. They couldn't talk about what's been happening. He doesn't talk about his works or what has been happening to him while he was away. Everytime she tried to open up a topic he would just answer "yes", "no", "i'm ok" and won't even bother asking her how she was. He was always texting and when she told him that they have to go home, looked like his face lights up as if he was just waiting for her to say "we should go home" and then took her home, and went out with friends. Thanks for your advice my friend. I would take that into consideration and suggest it to my friend. Take care always c",)
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (29909)
• United States
29 Jul 08
If the marriage is no longer salvageable, get out. I stayed in my marriage for 19 years, thinking if I hung on and tried hard it would get better. He said he was happy, he lied. He was waiting for me to leave and then, failing that, he began encouraging me to take classes and begin a profession. He was trying to prepare me for a divorce! And then he left me for the other woman. They need to talk and if they can't make it better, end it now while she's still young enough to make a life for herself. My husband waited till we were in our fifties, he and his wife are doing well and I'm struggling with very little retirement savings (he wasn't a saver) and an uncertain future. If she gets out now, it will be hard but much better than if she waits. Of course, every case is different but usually if the marriage can't be saved it's best for everyone to end it. The kids are the ones that suffer most, either way. I wish her luck and blessings.
2 people like this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
1 Aug 08
Thanks for sharing that dear c",) I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, i hope All is well for you now. I wish you happiness... When they first met, all she see is the man of her dreams... she said he's the one. So she gave up her own dreams and wanted to share his dreams, gave up her career for him because he wants her to stay home and take care of the baby. A year had past and she decided to look for a job and was hired, but her inlaws discouraged her...She knew that her husband's income is enough but she wanted to prove something for herself. But she was convinced to just drop the argument with the husband. And now, she wanted to get out with the kids. Thanks for responding dear and tc always
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 08
Hello. First off, I want to say that your friend is lucky to have a friend like you that is trying to help her. Now, Every relationship is very exciting at first. Then you get comfortable with your partner and it calms a little, but it can still be healthy and alive. I heard once,a relationship is like a flower it needs to be watered to grow, be healthy and stay alive.Has your friend been going through this for a while? If it hasent been that long maybe its just a rough patch. All relationships have their ups and downs. There are times I get so frustrated with my husband I actually feel like walking out! But, there are also times when I feel he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I couldnt imagine life without him. I stick through the bad times b/c I know the good ones will return. Of course this doesnt apply to everyone, sometimes it's just not meant to be but, there is obviously something still there because her complaints are mainly about him not being around enough, so, I believe she still wants to spend time with him. Anyway, I suggest marriage counseling. I have gone before and it did help my relationship alot. When you said that she tried to tell him and he responded as if it wasn't a big deal and she was just to emotional, it shows he isnt even taking her seriously,but with a counselor there things could change.I hope everything works out for her!
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
1 Aug 08
Thank you for saying that my friend c",) I'm afraid i'm the only one she tells all her deepest pain. She has no mother, her father is with another woman and her only sister is long been far from her and doesn't have much to talk with. She tells me that i'm the only one who understands. Her husband doesn't even care about her thoughts and feelings. She has friends at church but not that close to seek advice with. Her daughter and son is her happiness. Can you see how lonely she is... at least now i could suggest her to visit a counselor. Thank yu so much dear c",) tc
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22579)
• United States
29 Jul 08
They need marriage counseling. Sometimes some places have cheap or free counseling. That will be hard since he's never home. Sometimes one or both partners have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I'm lucky, I met my husband after he came back from the service, so he's not gone all the time. When he comes home from work, he doesn't want to hear her problems. Once the kids are old enough, I think she should volunteer and fill her time up. If all she sees is the kids, then she needs a break sometimes. Sounds like she sees more of his relatives that don't like her than the husband. Did she know he was going to be out to sea most of the time? If she did, what was she planning on doing while he was gone? If she didn't, I can see why she's so disappointed. Hitting him with 6 months of missing him and his relatives faults, what does she think he would say? Maybe "this is the problem, what do you think could be some solutions?" would be a better approach, but since he may see them as her problems, he may just say whatever you want to do. Has she told him she's totally miserable in this marriage? Marriage counseling for both of them and if he won't go, then she should go by herself and explore her options with the counselor.
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
1 Aug 08
I'm really happy for your dear writer c",) My friend knows that her husband is gonna be away most of the time because she knows his job. Actually they only had a little time getting-to-know time because they decided to get married so soon. I guess they haven't know each other well before marraige. She always tried to talk to him about moving out on thier own house, but he refused to listen, he insists his decision. I don't wanna judge him, but i want to help my friend. She really is in great pain. I agree with you about counseling, i will try to suggest it to her. Thanks dear c",)tc always
1 person likes this
@klaudine (3654)
• Indonesia
29 Jul 08
first you have to know why those feelings become cold. There should be something, a reason that your friends should try to find out. If the truth has been revealed, you can start to fic what's broken in the relationship. It is happened alot in marriages I knew. Boredom is not the actual answer for the marriage to end. When you make a wedding vow you promise that you will take your partner in good times and bad times, include there boring times. There should be no way you can say that you are bored and you want to end the marriage. I believe that there's something wrong with your friend's husband. but if it is become so much pain and cannot be resolved, don't be scared to file a divorce. Everybody has the right to be happy.
2 people like this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
1 Aug 08
hello dear, it is not easy for her to go away, but the way i see it she really needs ro be away from her inlaws and the house is too big, she couldn't even get a good housekeeper to help her in the house.. That is what she always wanted, to have their own house. Last year they both agreed to build their own house, but as the days passed i don't know what happened but her husband's mind changed. her husband insisted on just staying where she is now. Thanks for responding dear c",)
1 person likes this
@baileycows (3671)
• United States
29 Jul 08
I think you should. Being happy is a wave of emotion that is like a rollercoaster. You choose to be happy. So make your marriage happy. Now if there is a abuse going on that is a different story. She can support her family. It may be hard but there is assistance out there.
2 people like this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
1 Aug 08
That's is really true dear, i want my friend to be happy, she deserves it. She is a full time mom. She did her duty but her husband just doesn't inderstand her situation. She tried talking to him, but what happenedis that he would listen to his mothers voice not to her wife. Thanks for sharing here dear c",)
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11397)
• Pakistan
30 Jul 08
Hmmmmmm Really sad no further comments as we are not in her shoes She is best one to decide But if she get financial support from him and have Seperate Home . away from Inlaws then she migght stay married with him take care
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
You're right dear, I am really sorry for my friend. and yes she is best to decide, i want to help her but it's really hard. I am always here for her and wish i could do more, i wish there is something i could to to change things for her. I believe too that she's better away with those inlaws. Thanks for responding dear and tc
@cupid74 (11397)
• Pakistan
2 Aug 08
u can pray for her as sometims prays do miracles as nothing is Impossible if God whats that So consult GOD Take caere
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
5 Aug 08
Yes dear, i'm praying for her too. And pls. include her in your prayers my friend, thanks in advance c",) Hugz
@Margajoe (4722)
• Germany
30 Jul 08
Hi Mycharm, How are you? You both were not wrong.They can still be happy. Sounds like the situation has caused the problem. I lived for almost 2 months with my in law's when I was pregnant with my first child. It was hell! The same thing you wrote , I went through as well. But, I could not stay. My advice is get her away from those in law's!!!! Once we were living somewhere else , I was okay again. She needs her space. My husband was in the Army as well. So, don't hate him,it is the situation that is depressing her. She needs a place of her own, so she can be herself again. Then the marriage will get better. And one big advice: Never expect a man to understand a womens feelings! Even though he does not understand, does not mean he does not Love her. Take care, good luck. Margajoe
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Thank you so much for sharing that dear... it does feel like hell she says. That's what she wants, to move out from them. I just don't understand why her husband wont give her a chance to do what's best for her. I know she'll be ok without them.He doesn't see things the way she does, but at least he should have the heart to st least listen and support her. He always take the side of his parents not her. That makes it so unfair right? Thanks for responding dear friend. take care c",)
1 person likes this
@Margajoe (4722)
• Germany
5 Aug 08
Hi! Yes it is unfair. Could be he is afraid of his parents? Maybe he wants her to stay there. Because he does not trust her to be by herself???? This way his parents can give out a rapport of what she does the whole day??? Man think so easy, until they get put in the same situation,LOL,HAHAHA! Bye, have a nice day. Take care, Margajoe.
• Malaysia
30 Jul 08
Hey there mycharm88, sometimes people can bare with torture and pain when they have a reason to go on.For example in your case, maybe the reason is your children. However, every human has their threshold for sufferings like that and when it reaches a certain point when you just can't stand it, then the only way is OUT but you need to carefully plan your way out. Get any help you can get. Think thoroughly every possible option and you should be fine.
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Oh thank you for saying that dear, but i'm sharing to you here about my friend whom i love and want to help her on this side of life. I do thank my friends here like you who cared to share their thought about this situation. tc always my friend c",)
@wisedragon (2331)
• Philippines
29 Jul 08
Living with in-laws is always a potential hell. She should stop relying on her husband for finances. She should find a way to take her kids and move out of that house, either by getting a job or starting a business.
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
That is what she said, to move out and stand alone... But i'm still worried because she doesn't know how to start. She doubted if she could still find a job and who will look after her kids. She had lots of regrets on giving up her carreer before marraige... Thanks for responding dear c",)tc
@roniroxas (10577)
• Philippines
29 Jul 08
yes, IF my partner is not an abusive person or if he does not want to re-marry. yes as long as he has no other woman around, then i can stay. but if the marriage is no longer happy and there are a lot of quarrels and mis-understanding then it is not healthy to stay. i am a single mom for 7 years now i lfet my husband and tag my kids along with me. i am no longer happy and plus he is an abusive man as well. so i left. if your friend's life is miserable and she thinks she have all the right to leave then why not leave.
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Leaving is what she's been planning to do but still couldn't do it for now because of financial stability. She's not the one holding her husband's income, just a little part of it. He sends money for support but she doesn't even exactly know how much he's earning until now. I don't understand why it has to be a secret, my friend is not asking him to give it all to her... Thanks for sharing that dear and i'm sorry to hear about your husband. I believe you are a strong woman and could take whatever challenge life may bring. Your kids are lucky c",) tc
• United States
29 Jul 08
Life is too short, but a marriage shouldn't be something that you walk away from just because you are no longer happy. I have noticed in my soon to be 25 years of marriage that there are phases where I am extremely happy and phases where I am extremely unhappy. You need to find things that keep it exciting but it takes two to make it work.
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
Yes it does dear, and i hope that this is just one of the extremely unhappy phases of my friend's marraige life. I really want to help her, and so far i really do want her to save their marraige... Thanks you so much for sharing that my friend. tc always
@checapricorn (16076)
• United States
29 Jul 08
Hi mycharm, I guess the best thing here is to write everything you feel, EVERYTHING! Then, ask him to listen and not just to be insensitive to how you feel! I don't think so it is right to stay in the marriage just because of the kid, the wife has her own needs also and how can she be a loving person if she is not even considering her own happiness.. That is just unfair! And For a guy who cares for the wife, he will not allow his own family to stay with the in laws especially he knows that is the feeling of his mother to his wife..He can afford to get a house and provide it to his family.. If his happiness is is friends more than his family, then, talk to him! DO not just allow him to judge you as insecure,emotional and all you have to fight back and express your feelings because in my view, he is the one who is very insensitive!
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
I think so too dear, it is really unfair. he is really unfair. the way i see it he doesn't want to listen to my friends' feelings. Still i'm not sure if they still love each other. When i asked my friend about her feelings, she would just say that she's unsure because she feels like she hated him because of being so insensitive. But then again i should still try to convince my friend to really tell him Everything, like you said dear. Thank you so much for your advice. take care always..
@kun2349 (23477)
• Singapore
29 Jul 08
IT's hard to say, depending on who is your propority.. If it's for yourself, and your own happiness, by all means walk out of it and find a better man and have a better life ^_^ And if the kids are involved, it's better to stay in a marriage without love, till the kids grow up and senile enough to knwo what's happening b4 deciding to break away.. If not, the emotional pain and hurt of the child will haunt them and parents wun be able to understand too, plus kids wun wanna choose wither dad or mom, they will wanna have both by their sides at all times ^_^
@mycharm88 (2292)
• Philippines
2 Aug 08
You're right about that my friend. It's not easy for the kids to grow up without a mother or a father. I do hope and pray that things will really work for them. If they still have love in their hearts then i guess it will work. Thanks for responding dear c",)
1 person likes this
@NrgDfenZ (1811)
• Belgium
2 Aug 08
Well maybe she could give it one last try ? Like for example do a romantic dinner and see his reaction.. If it is bad ot he is bored or doesn't even care than I think she should leave.. Hope it could be helpfull, still it is just an idea :)