A letter Instead of Fighting...

Love letters  - Love letter for the spouse.
United States
August 7, 2008 6:11pm CST
I'm so proud of my husband right now.. He made me feel really special the other night with writing me a letter to tell me some stuff instead of fighting.. I thought thats was pretty sweet.. So instead of fight i read the letter and i did what it asked without fighting back.. I think thats what we are going to have to do to start communication for right now... I think its a great way to communicate with out fight because we also broke down the letter and read a little piece of it and than we talk it over... So what do you think is that a good way to communicate is to right a letter??? Does it sound like it will help out on communication problems???? I think that is will everyone is different and i think i am the type of person the will benefit from writing letters to my husband and him writing them to me.. Instead of yelling and fighting about he can read it once and get it the first time you know what i am saying????
4 people like this
25 responses
@sidoney (1033)
• Jamaica
7 Aug 08
I like the idea of writing especially for some one like me who does not express my self too well and tend to hold problems in and the blow up at my spouse
• United States
8 Aug 08
Thats what type of person i am.. I tend to hold stuff in until i get fed up with it than i tend to blow up on my husband for something and i dont mean to blow up on him but i end up doing.... I think the letter thing will work for now.. Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
@yilundu (42)
• United States
7 Aug 08
I think it is a great idea to write letter. I think it will help communication problems alot. Yes I understand u.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Aug 08
I think that is will help our commucation proplems.. Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5518)
• United States
8 Aug 08
My husband and I are in marriage couseling right now. It is our safe place. Because of the cost of the counsling we are only going every other week. The weeks that we don't go we are still having our "session" we have been going to the park and sitting on a bench and talking. During that time we are in our "safe place". Our safe place is a place we can talk with out judgement, harsh words, loud words, or getting mad at each other for FEELINGS. If he FEELS like you talk to your friends more then him - that shouldn't make you mad it should make you realize he is FEELING and thats a good thing. (that was just an example) We did the letter thing and it didn't really work for us. I hope that it does for you. Good luck and find a "safe place"
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
I'm really bad for starting a shouting match and think the letter thing has helped me not start one.. My husband is a non-shouter and i am the shouter in our relationship.. I have a probelm with expressing what i feel with out shouting.. So i think that the letter thing will work for us for many differen reason.. Thank you very much for the response.. My husband and i are in marriage counsleing too.. we have only went to one and every thing already seems better...
2 people like this
@ebsharer (5518)
• United States
8 Aug 08
You and him sound like my husband and me - I am the shouter and he is the soft spoken lover type person. The counsler told me I need to learn to effectivealy communicate where he needs to learn to communicate period! I felt confused after my first session and better after the second. The third was even better then that. Keep going it will all work out! Prayers for you and him - I know they helped us!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
Thank you very much for you response
2 people like this
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Writing is a good tool, but you shouldn't rely on that. You should be able to tell him things - in an non confrontation manner - and not argue about them. They key is how you word your sentences - without blame and pointing fingers.
• United States
7 Aug 08
we write them to tell each what we want from each other not to point the finger and blame each other.. I wouldn't rely on them i know how to tell my husband what want.. I think its a great way to solve some of our communication issues.. This is what are therapist told us to do so we ar doing it.. Its working so far have not had any problems
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
8 Aug 08
I guess what I am saying is, that if it works, use it but you should also be trying to enhance your verbal skills. There will be time - like when he is gone for 2 week s- that you can't write that letter and you have a problem. All the communicating you do via writing will have to be done verbally. So, writing the letters is a great tool, but you do need to know how to communicate verbally as well.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
@izhuce13 (160)
• China
8 Aug 08
yes, it is very important to comunicate with each other in the couple,and it also the some withe orther people.and i hope veery in life can have more comunication insteand of fight or silent.right?
• United States
8 Aug 08
Thank you very much for the response
1 person likes this
@walijo2008 (4647)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Writing letters sounds great. If your husband is like me, I have trouble communicating what I want to say, its hard for me to tell my feelings, but if I could write them down, I could say everything I wanted to say. I'm very emotional too, so my husband always says he don't like talking to me if we're arguing because I just start crying, like I said its hard for me to talk. So I think the writing letters deal is good one, if my husband don't think its silly.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
I really bad about starting a shouting match and i don't think that he wanted to start one in that point in time.. My husband is not a shouter but i am, I don't kno why but i get all defensive when he starts saying something that i'm doing wrong. I can't really get out what i want to say either, its really hard for me to just talking about my feelings. I have to write them down so i think the writing letters thing will help alot in our relationship i thin it will help with our communication skills.. I hope that it will.. Thank you very much for the response...
1 person likes this
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
8 Aug 08
I'd done the letter thing alot in relationships. When I'm angry I just can't seem to find the right words. I get so upset I don't say the right thing and end up in a shouting match that solves nothing. So, if I'm really upset I'll write it all out and hand it to them to read while I calm down in the next room. Its much more effective for me and I can get it all "said" without the shouting match.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
I think that he didn't want to start a shouting match so he wrote me a letter.. which i think that was very sweet.. I think the letter thing will help alot of people that have communication problems.. I like to write alot so writing a letter won't bother me.. I think that it will help with our communication problem... But we still need to work on our verbel communcation.. which i think i have something for that.. Insead of just reading the letter read it sentence by sentence and talk about each sentence... I think that wil work with our verbel Communication.. thank you so much for the response..
1 person likes this
@amvinay (122)
• India
8 Aug 08
yes its a great idea to write a letter it is a good way on communicating everything without arguments ....and its good to response back with the letter and its a brilliant idea ..
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
thank you very much for your response
1 person likes this
• Sweden
8 Aug 08
I think yes writing a letter make all your feelings go out.i experiece that,When my husband and me got misunderstood each other and i dont like to talk.I make letter for him because in letter you can say all your feelings.Not when you are shoting or fighting not good coz it hard to control the feelings when you are angry.Anyway my husband and i never do yelling each other.I like my husband coz when we fighting he never yel at me he just go out then come back in an hour and talk to me
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
We dont really yell either.. we just have disagreement and than i ger mad and don't want to talk any more.. So i think write letters will help with that.. Thank you very much for your response
1 person likes this
@valeria1 (2724)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Communication is important in all aspects, but when one is talking the other one has to listen and understand, sometimes written communication is better because you have more time to think about it and express yourself in a better way, keep it up!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
Thank you very much for the response
1 person likes this
• India
8 Aug 08
yes, this is good way to communicate bcoz different feeling come when u read what he has written n saying u politely in his letter to u. great
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11922)
• United States
8 Aug 08
I think it is a great idea. You should continue to do it as long as it works for you two. It helps my husband and I to do something similar. I write out the things that are eating at me and what I think would make it better, then we can sit down and go over the list together. My husband is a very linear, logical thinker and tends to want to fix things. I am much more emotional and creative and it helps me to just unload everything all at once whenever I have problems. My emotions, especially when I am just letting them go, tend to shut my husband down and we can't see eye to eye on anything. I end up feeling like he is trying to fix ME instead of our problems. When we begin to go over the list together, we both feel like we are dealing with things they way we need to. Even if I get emotional, as long as we are dealing with one thing at a time, my husband can stay engaged and not feel like he needs to fix everything. Marriage is a dance that a couple choreographs together. It gets tough at times, but you can't ever stop dancing. I think you and your husband are dancing very well.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
I think that it will help with are communication some. But we need to work on our verbal communication.. We are going to continue to write letters to each other cause i think is it does work.... Some people aren't going to see it like you and i do... But thank you for the response
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
That is great your husband thought ahead in plan by writing you a letter instead of picking a fight. I think this is a much better way of doing things. I think mre people should do it this way. I wish I had the guys that I once were seeing at different tims do this. I am better at jotting down my thought on paper than I am actually faceing the person in all actualality. I do hope this help the communicatio between the both of you alot more.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
I am the same as you i better at putting it on paper than i am talking with my husband about it.. I think this will help our relationship alot and help with our communication but we do need to work on our verbal communication..
1 person likes this
@irishmist (3820)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Writing a letter is a good way to open up a discussion about many things, this way a person has a chance to say whats on thier mind and the feelings they have without being interuppted, and it gives the other person a chance to think about it before just jumping in and saying a bunch of stuff that later on can't be taken back. A letter leads to a real heart to heart talk sometimes, and that can be a good thing.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Aug 08
I think that it is a great way to have a conversation.. I think its the best way for me... Cause i am the type of person that interrupts my husband because i don't what he is going ot say cause i am scared that what he is going to say is going to set me off more.. So i think the letter thing is going to work for us for the moments... But we do need to work on are verbal communication too..
1 person likes this
@CPMiller (21)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Communication is always going to be a problem. Its how you can accept the problem and "work" around it that makes the difference. A letter is a great method, especially if the next conversation is going to be a fight no matter what. Some times it's not what the conversation is about it's just the way one person is feeling at the moment that can set things off, and some non interactive communication is just the thing. I guess an email could work just as well but it lacks the personal touch that pen and paper deliver. I've been having similar problems in my marriage lately and our family Doc recommended a book. It might be worth a read. Just check Amazon for "Love and Respect"
• United States
8 Aug 08
great thank you for the response I will try to get that book sounds like a good book. I never thought about an email...
1 person likes this
@vanila (491)
• Israel
8 Aug 08
Yes, it is a good way to start comunicating, opening and soon you will feel comfortable enough to open up face to face without all the fighting and poison that sometime we say for the people we love the most. I know when I need to melt the man I love on downpoints in our relationship I am sending him email or sms messages 'cause it is easy for me not to be interruped in the middle by any remark.. and just say what I feel with no fear. it seems like you have a good husband and a lot of love between you two. goodluck. p.s - the picture of the letter you placed here isn't a love letter..I think. you can see their that it's an exchange of letters between zigmund froid and his daughter anna or a patient he had named anna.
• United States
8 Aug 08
Lol thank do the info about the supposebly love letters.. Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
@relundad (2311)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Obviously the fact that you are here indicates that writing is one way that you are capable of communicating in this manner. If you are writing you have the opportunity to respond or tell someone what you are thinking from a calmer state of mind and without anger. You have the opportunity of thinking about what you want to say and if it comes out wrong you have the opportunity to retract or re-phrase the comment. But sometimes in the heat of the moment we can say hurtful things and once its said you can't take it back. Even when you apologize, the other person still remembers what you have said in anger. That is why sometimes people feel that verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse, because shortly after the hit the pain goes away, but what a person says to you verbally always twirls in your head. You have to find the best way that will work for you and your husband. It would be pretty alarming to me if already you have communication problems of this magnitude that you are fussing and fighting so early in your marriage. Hopefully you can find something that works really fast.
• United States
7 Aug 08
We don'f fight that much.. we disagree on somethings.. The letter thing is working help us not to say mean things to each other.. It helps with something but not all things.. I wouldn't rely on the letter thing.. Our therapist told use to write a letter to each other when we want something from one another and give it to them.. SO far it has work we haven't not disagree on anything lately... I really do think it helps with some things disagreements but not all.. Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Aug 08
Writing a letter is ok, but communication needs to be in person, because letters can be misinterpreted. Letters do not express the in-person effect of sincerity, emotion and the personal human factor. Letters are OK for a start, but relationships really do take actual communication. This is of course is based on that the two people are in the same house. I prefer speaking with my other by phone or in-person over an email or handwritten letter....doesnt matter what it is about, good or bad.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Aug 08
we use the letter thing to tell each other what we want from each other.. I think its great way to solve some of our communcation issues not all of them... this is what our therapist told us to do so we are give it a true and it is working so far.. we don't use the letter thing for everything only for certain things.. Thank you for the response..
1 person likes this
• Canada
7 Aug 08
Everyone has different methods for communicating. I'm glad that you and your husand found one that works or you. My husband knows hat he can tell me anything AS LONG AS HE TELS ME CALMLY, and that I can tell him anything calmly. I can no communicate with someone when their voice is raised.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Aug 08
I can tell my husband anything too but i have a problem with putting is meanly or have a bed temper when i do it.. I think that letter thing is the thing that works for us.. I think it does and so does my husband.. My husband was the first one to write a letter cause we talking about who should do the laundry and before it got turn in to a fight he wrote a letter to me saying what he wanted from me which it work.. I didn't have any problem doing the laundry after reading the letter... I think that this is the thing that is going to work for us.. It would work for some things but it will help with somethings.. Thank you for the response
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Hi pixie, [i]That's great...I know in most cases, we can express well when we are writing it and we can also reflect while writing instead of talking and fighting right away, there are words that we can utter which we really don't mean after! I am also like that, when I have some comment about our relationship and when I feel bad, I will email my husband and he will also reply,,,We find it very healthy that we can talk it thoroughly without me walking out during the argument![/i]
• United States
8 Aug 08
Yeah we have that problem to my husband likes to walk out in the middle of an argument... But that is because i have a problem with yelling or getting in a diffensive mode when we fight which we realy don't fight that much we have disagreement... I think this whole letter things will help out alot with our communication skills cause we we don't just read them we talk about them...I really think that this thing really works...
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Aug 08
I know it will, That is also what we are doing!