Close to parents

@laglen (19783)
United States
August 10, 2008 9:06am CST
I was just answering a discussion about caring for parents and if you expect your kids to take care of you. It brought up a thought. My dad is going blind, he can't drive, can't read his mail, and obviously can't clean his house very well. This has been going on for about 4 years now. My sister and I share the responsibility. Thank God for her! Anyway, we alternate Sundays to take him to church. We both have families of our own, and work full time and sometimes extra jobs (damn economy). So I got a better job, am making a bit more money and mentioned to my sister that maybe we could hire somebody for about four hours a week to help dad. This way, we can visit him because we want to and not because we have to. She agreed. two weeks ago, at church, my turn, a lady that sits behind us, say to me "I think it is so wonderful that you girls do this, most kids would just forget about him!" Ok, now I can't hire somebody, she got me good. Guilt is my friend these days! Needless to say, I have not pursued the hiring of this magical person. Has this ever happened to you? Things people say, not meaning to mean anything by it, makes you feel guilty? Do you or have you taken care of parents? Did you ever hire somebody for help then eel guilty? What do you think? what would you do?
8 people like this
20 responses
• United States
10 Aug 08
Does not sound like dad there is ready for a nursing home, as he does not yet need around the clock, 24 hour care! But there is an in-between thing known as "assisted living," where someone is alwasy at the desk if he would need them and he would still have his own apartment/home! Also, have you looked into Life-Alert for seniors. They wear it around the neck like a necklace..but if they fall they only press a button and help comes for them right away! (A great thing! The old Surgeon General of the USA.. C.Evrett Coop wears one!) Make sure if he goes into asisted living that he signes his home over to one og his kids first, so the state can't take it for any bills he'd owe and he will be ablethen to go into a residence like that for free, most likely. (The may take a little of what he makes from being retired each month? But not enough so he couldn't get good food for himself!) Hope this helps! You guys also have families and it's nice you want to care for him? but he probably ants not to be a burden and wants his independence! Help him ut and lookk at assisted living places for him, so he can live independently, but have someone around just in case!
4 people like this
@robert19ph (4586)
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
[i]Hello laglen, My parents are still young. I know that my parents take care of my grandparents in their time of needs and when they are very old. One of my grandparents was bedridden for about a year and it's really a big sacrifice for my parents to take care of them. I know when the time comes, me and my brothers and sisters will take turns helping out my parents in their time. You know it's not bad to get some help in taking care of someone you love and cares. You have other responsibilities and it's good to get some help. As long as you don't neglect or avoid your responsibility on your parents, you won't feel guilty. I think I can understand my children also when they do this to me when my time comes. Regards. [/i]
@ravinskye (8245)
• United States
10 Aug 08
Try thinking about what you would want your kids to have to do for you. If you kids had families of their own and jobs and busy lives, would you want them to always have to be taking you places and helping you out? I think you deserve a little help. You aren't forgetting about him and you aren't stopping helping him completely. You are just bringing in some more help. And like you said you could visit him because you want to not because you have to. I think the help is a good idea, what you are doing I'm sure isn't easy and you don't want to burn yourself out and start to resent the fact that you have to help out your dad. Hire the help!
3 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28836)
• United States
10 Aug 08
Do either you or your sister have a child old enough to help him out for a few hours a week? That way instead of hiring someone, it would still be family. Obviously you and your sister would still have to take him to church, but the child could help read his mail and just give him some company. You could hire a cleaning lady, just to clean once a week, or hire someone just to get his groceries. I'm sure it would ease the stress if you had someone who just did particular jobs and you and your sister's only job was to take him to church on Sunday. That way he's getting family time as well as all the other help he needs.
3 people like this
@chenmeiyi (973)
• China
10 Aug 08
hi,laglen,really nice discussion and i hope your dad is healthy and happy all the time.we children really have the responsibility to take care of our parents,it is them that give us the chance to live in the beautiful world.they create us.and now we grow up,it is time that we should take on the duty and obligation to provide for them.life is really short and we should give as much love as possible in the limited time and not regret afterwards.when i was young,i always talk back to my mum and always think what they said doesn't make sense,often yell to them,maybe because they are the most close people to me ,so i did that.but now thought back,i was so stupid that make them sad.actually i know i hurt them to the bottom of their hearts.i will never do that again.on the countary,i should help them to make our family a more warm place to live in,let them feel that i have already grown up and i can do things well by myself,don't let them worry about me.guilt arises from the bottom of my heart when i think something is really wrong and i shouldn't do that.i think i will do more in the days to come to compensate for my guilt and to pay back to my parents' upbringing.take care.
• Philippines
11 Aug 08
my parents arent that old but they are sickly. there's only 3 of us sibling and i am the one left here near my parents because all my sibling work in another place. i took take care their needs as my demonstration of my love and care for them. i have my own family and job to take care too. we have hired somebody to assists my parents needs whenever im not around. i didnt feel guilty because i know i have done my part. i have given my best everytime they need me. that helper is just there to help us in their needs but we didnt totally pass on our responsibilities to her. so dont feel guilty because you are doing your part in loving and caring for your parents.
2 people like this
@nic_knick (741)
• China
11 Aug 08
I think you are a good daughter, i have seen from movies that a lot of kids would leave their parents when they grow up in the US, and only a few of them would shoulder the responsibility of taking care of their parents when they are older.Here in my country, most of the people will attend their parents when they are older, but there are people who would hire someone to take care of their parents because they have to work or they have some other thigns to attend to. I think you are being pretty cool, cause you are now taking care of your parents, I mean your father. Keep up the good work. Though he cannot see, but he could feel it in his mind.
2 people like this
• Canada
10 Aug 08
even if you stil hired someone to help out your dad you will still be doing a good thing for your dad. you aren't hiring this person to take over everything you and your sister are doing to help your dad, you are just hiring someone to help you and your sister out with your dad so when you are there with him you can actually sit and visit or even go out somewhere and not be stuck in his place cleaning it. so i think it would be a benefit for all. it would give your dad some company while you and your sister are working and can't be with him and then it would free up some of your time you would normally spend cleaning to do some fun stuff with him. i don't take care of my parents. if it was to come to it and my dad needed my help like your dad does then i definately would be there to do it. i personally wouldn't hire someone to help but i am a stay at home mom so i would just go help my dad out myself.
2 people like this
@roanne05 (1292)
• Oman
11 Aug 08
my parents are not that old, but if ever they are...i will make sure they are well taken cared off...either by me or one of my younger brothers...we love them and as i see now, they will have a hard time to decide on where to live because me and my younger brothers will be asking and bugging them to stay with us.
@maddysmommy (16243)
• United States
11 Aug 08
There is no harm in asking for help and if you both can afford to, then go ahead an hire someone to come in and help clean maybe once or twice a week, and do other odd jobs that need to be done. It doesn't mean you're giving up on your Dad either and I wouldn't feel any guilt about getting extra help. I have not had to take care of my parents as yet as my dad still works and even though my mum is retired, they are still very independent and living on their own. I have a twin sister and three brothers to help outif and when the need arises.
1 person likes this
• India
11 Aug 08
I would go ahead and hire. The lady meant to compliment both you sisters and not make you feel guilty. Our parents bring us up as responsible citizens so that we can live our life to the full and contribute healthily to society and also our own family. Being very frank here, if being cared for in their old age by children was the only aim of our parents, they would not have dreamt for us or gave us the best in education and other trainings. No parent would like their child to give up everything or struggle beyond permissible limits, just so they have to look after them in old age. And then hired helps are there just because we don’t forget our responsibilities even if we cannot be with our parents all the time. Shake off the guilt…you are not neglecting your Dad, rather you are trying to be with all the people who matter to you, in the best possible way.
1 person likes this
@shana123 (2096)
• India
11 Aug 08
Hey there is nothing wrong in hiring a person to help your and it is really good that you two being girls are willing to help your dad in his oldage ,GOD will surely bless you your sis,give good health to your dad !! My dad is in his late 40s he is able to manage himself and my mom is in her late 30s so as of now my mom is not well as get leg got fractured and now she is not able to walk properly i do help her by cleaning home and help her at times in cooking too.And i love my parents surely i will take care of them in their oldage if my hubby doesnt agrees to be with them i will hire a person like your doing now.And one request please see to that the person who is taking care of your dad is really lovable one and since no one is staying along with your dad they shouldn't take advantage and sitting simply without helping your dad.
1 person likes this
@lily3753 (390)
• China
11 Aug 08
you shouldn't feel guilty any longer . you have your own families and your own job and your own life . taking care of your father is your responsibility ,but you don;t have enough time ,so you hire somebody ,I can't see there is anything wrong. they made the same result ,that your father have somebody take care. if you have enough time ,then you can take care of your father by yourself ,but the real world is that you have other more important responsibility for example your families. But you shoule apend some time to visite your father every week .that would be nice . and your burdens are also not so heavy.
1 person likes this
@mflower2053 (3227)
• United States
15 Aug 08
I would hire someone if I were you just to help out a bit but you can still be there for him. It is great that you are there for him.
@getnbuy (1315)
• United States
11 Aug 08
Your father is a very lucky man. My children told me that when the time comes they will not take care of me. One son said he would, but the other two children won't. This son is not married and I know it is usually the wife who ends up doing the care giving. I would really like to know that my children would take care of me. That said, I think you should cut yourself some slack and have someone help at least some of the time. You do not need to shoulder all the burden. Just the fact that you are there and you are caring is the important part.You should feel no guilt!
@relundad (2312)
• United States
11 Aug 08
I think for me the important thing would be to provide the assistance that my parent needed. If that meant paying for it so be it. You have no reason to feel guilty and bet if you asked your parent even with all of his illnesses he still doesn't want to make life harder for you and your family. You haven't forgotten about him as the lady indicated. To forget about him would be to stick him in an institution, pay the bill and thats it. I think that you can provide assistance and still care for and love your parents. I know that if my parents ever needed assistance, since I have a family and own my own businesses its no way that I could care for them full time, not only that but that is not my field of expertise. I would better serve them by moving them into my home and hiring someone that was trained to care for them. That would provide the services that they needed and for them to be still with their family and loved ones. People sometimes acts like its the worst thing to pay for services, but we are not robots. We can not do all things, at all times. So you do what you can in the most loving way and forget what other people think, your heart will let you know that you have not wronged your parents.
• India
11 Aug 08
I love my parents, My mother cannot walk, I have to take her on wheelchair, I always take her to bathroom and even change her clothes, we all family member do something for her in turn, we help her in everything, no regrate no guilty. you should not feel guilty, its circumstances that you have to go for office..
@izhuce13 (160)
• China
11 Aug 08
i answer that question just now! i have a dream, that is to have a lot of money to support my family to give their a very life. but now,i can not. everytime i go back home what i can do is just chat with her.my mom is getting older and older, and i hope i can give her happy.
@subha12 (18462)
• India
11 Aug 08
i am quite close to my parents. i always try to take good care of them. like when my dad is feeling ill, i try to provide for doctors, medicines, good food etc. same for my mom. But it is very irritating when some relatives just ring once in ablue moon to make us responsible taht we are not taking good care of my dad. its really bad.
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
11 Aug 08
I do not know! There are some good senior apartments here so I would opt for that.