Stop hitting me...

@diutay (1327)
Philippines
August 14, 2008 12:38pm CST
When I was a very young child, we had a neighbor who usually got hit by her husband every time he's drunk. I can her cries and her pleas but she never left. There was nothing that I can do. I was just a child. Then about a year and a half ago, we had a client who occupied one of the available rooms in our hostel. She was there with her two kids. It was very strange because they would leave very early and get back quite late. Then they would just hole up in their room. Our staff were given instructions not to tell anybody that they're there. When I got into a conversation with her, she revealed that they're hiding from her husband. She took their kids with her when she couldn't take the verbal and emotional abuse anymore. She wasn't hit physically but her scars are etched in her mind and heart. These two women are faces of the thousand or millions of women whose bodies, minds and hearts are battered. There were times when I'd wonder why they endured such treatment for years. Do you know of anybody in a similar condition?
4 people like this
12 responses
• United States
14 Aug 08
It is hard to describle why. It is easy to say that you would never put up with somthing that you have not really lived through. Sorta like the people that don't have children who say "my kids will never act like that" when they get kids they find out that they will throw tantrums like all the other 2 year olds. LOL I guess what I am trying to say is that unless you have walked in the shoes of that person, you do not know where they have been, what they feel or where they are going. Women that are physically abused do not go into relationships and get hit the first day. It is a long process that takes place. They fall in love with a man. He might seem perfect in the beginning! You said the man did this when he was drinking. Possibly the rest of the time he was a good husband. He probably promised to never do it again. It is alot easier to believe it is going to get better than to turn your life upside down. Of course it is disfunctional and wrong. The women know it is wrong and this only adds to the shame and humiliation they feel. Which in turn isolates them from the ones that love them and can help even more. There is alot more to it than just physical abuse. The mental part of it is far more devastating. The control, manipulation and making her feel as if she is worthless and helpless without him. It holds her there and takes away her self esteem. That is not somthing that happens over night. Before she met the man that did this to her... maybe she too said that she would NEVER put up with it.
2 people like this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
That's true. It took me time to understand the women who were in this kind of situation. It was so easy to tell them to get out of that relationship. But now I know better. Thanks.
@lazeebee (5461)
• Malaysia
15 Aug 08
It's a terrible and terrifying situation to be in. I guess no one would actually understand what it is like - I don't, until my friend told me. She was with this man for 6 years - he abused her verbally, physically and mentally. She helped him with her money, when his business ventures went bust! There were times when she ran away after he beat her up, but he'd persuade her to go back. I asked her why and she told me that she loved him very much, and believed that he would change. Everytime he begged for her forgiveness, he would blame his violence and temper on his business, clients or whatever. She finally broke away from him, because he married someone else. Most of us knew about his marriage - she was the one of the last few to know. She went back to her hometown in another state; he kept phoning her - but distance did helped. She never believed him again! I sympathized with her, but was not able to empathize - she told me I would never be able to understand. And if she have had children with him, she would not be able to leave him, because of the kids.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Being in a relationship like that is complicated enough without adding kids to the equation. True, we can sympathize but we won't know exactly the extent of their pain nor the reason why it's hard for them to get out of the relationship.
• Malaysia
16 Aug 08
yes , most woman do not leave their husband because of their children and i am one of them ..
• Malaysia
16 Aug 08
oops sorry .. i am one of the child ...not the wife
• United States
15 Aug 08
My mom used to hit us when my brother and I were young.she still yells alot at me and she has threated me more than once.I told her if she did it again it would be last time she did because she would never see me again.I had to stand up for myself even if it meant getting hurt.She knows I won't take it anymore and I shouldn't have to.She's very emotional abusive and all it does is make me tired and make me wish I were somewhere else.Argueing with her never does any good.Of course hitting anyone should never be a answer.I would only do if i felt my life were truely in danger.I walk away when things got to bad with us.Hitting her back would proably just land me in jail especially since I have a black belt in karate.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Standing and ending that vicious cycle of abuse takes guts. I salute you.
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
@fwangaa (3057)
• China
15 Aug 08
yes,nowdays alway happen that things ,husband always hit his wife at home ,and it is normal. so don't frightened about that, and we don't resolve it only by myself it need the help the law in your country,but none of country enact this kind of law, so i don't know what to do .my msn is fwanga@hotmail.com,do you have one? if you not mind,you can add me as your friend.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
That situation is something that never happened in my home that's why it was hard for me to understand. That may be another reason why I work with women who have been mistreated by their spouse.
@magojordan (3252)
• Philippines
15 Aug 08
Well maybe it's about time that she stop the abuse and call the police for that matter. Even though you are married that doesn't give you any right to abuse a person especially if that's your partner. I hope people would become more vigilant and stop these abuses so that there won't be battered wives and battered husbands as well.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
There are laws now that protect women and children from abusive husbands and fathers but that is useless unless somebody reports the abuse. Unfortunately, a lot of women suffer in silence because of fear, ridicule and low self esteem.
• Malaysia
16 Aug 08
Hai Mag, If the place that is being reffered to is asian countries, i dont think the partners dare to call the police.. like the 2nd lady reffered above, the husband may have influence from higher ranking people and they may assist him .. remember the JLo movie i forgot the name .. similar to Julia Roberts, Sleeping with Enemy .. Another thing is the culture, the wifes feel that it is their responsibility not to shame the husband in public .. This people do not want to come out of the cacoon they build themselves
1 person likes this
@reckon21 (3479)
• Philippines
14 Aug 08
Our local news on tv always shows battered women complaining in the police station about their abusive husband. That happened almost everyday. I am a man but hurting women physically never crosses my mind. I could not really fathom why men hurt their wife's body in harms way.
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
That is also one question that I'd like to ask the abusive husbands.
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
14 Aug 08
Unfortunately yes I do know of similar circumstances. The sad thing about this is that many women choose to stay in thes relationships either from a fear of being alone; or because they wish to stay with their partner for "the sake of the children". What they don't realise is that the damage this does to the children is indescribable and in many cases, the children grow up to believe that this type of environment is perfectly normal. As the saying goes; "A child would rather be FROM a broken home than IN one." and I could not agree more. Kudos to any woman that has the strength to leave.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
In one of my classes before, one my students broke down and cried when we were discussing family life. She sort of blamed herself when her Dad would hit her Mom. She thought that it's her fault.
@snowy22315 (168439)
• United States
14 Aug 08
I dont know of anybody like that but there certainly are some in the area. I guess that the abused women of the world have to seek shelter eventually. The smart ones and the lucky ones get out before something tragic happens to them. I feel sorry for those that are trapped in miserable relatioships.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Yes, but unfortunately shelters are also sadly lacking and the operation cost a lot. Hopefully there will be more of it.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Aug 08
My cousin - she left when she saw her daughter treating her son the same way her husband treated her.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
It can be a vicious cycle unless someone stops it.
14 Aug 08
Hi diutay, It is very sad that in this day and age some women are still being bullied by their husbands and they have to flee the houee to get away from the bullying husband, in our country when husbands abusive their wife, the wife can run away and go to a special safe house to hide from them or they can stay in their own home and throw the husbanb out of the house no matter if the house is in the husband's name as long as there is children involved no women is put out in the streets. The law is for children and they will send police officers to remove the husband from the home and they are serve with court enjunction not to go near the wife or the family home and if they break the injunction they will be jailed. I do feel sorry for those women where you live. Some women don't leave their husband because they are scared and they love their husband and that is sad. Tamara
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
True, that's why I was so happy when a law (Ant-Violence Against Women and Children) was passed here in my country. But still sometimes it's not enough.
• United States
14 Aug 08
That is very sad, sometimes that they love that person so very much, that they don't want to leave or they think that they will change. When I was little I was in a similar situation. My neighbor was and still in this relationship were this guy would walk in and out of her life and beat her. Really bad to a pulp. When my brother and I would go outside and play we would hear her screams and we'd run inside and tell our parents. Even once or a couple of times, my dad would go over and pull the man off of her and throw him out. Till this day though my mom says the man still comes over and he still beats on her. My mom said on my husband and I wedding day she sees how my husband treats me and she is like oh if I could have a man like him. And she can she is a very beautiful woman, but she continues to let him come in her home and beat her and she still says he loves her. But if he loves you he won't hurt you I always want to say, but what can you do. She is the only one that can decide when it is time for him to leave and her press charges. It is a good thing that the woman took the steps to get away from that man. I eventually hope and pray that this woman does the same thing.
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
People around her can help her in some ways but the decision in the end will be hers to make. The woman I knew left when the husband hit one their kids. That sort of woke her up.
@3cardmonte (5098)
14 Aug 08
that is so sad and i hope those women can get on with the rest of their lives withou living in fear,leaving was a very brave decision and i admire her for wanting to protect her children.People dont leave for many reasons,financial dependence upon the other,a misguided notion that the abuser actually loves them,fear that the person will kill them if they try.The law has a tendency to fail the people in these situations as they very rarely get involved in domestic disputes unless there is extreme violence.I hope she gets the freedom and safety that she needs
1 person likes this
@diutay (1327)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
The law sometimes is not enough to protect them especially if the husband has clout. Thanks.