Is this out of respect or obedience? A fine line....

@taface412 (3177)
United States
August 14, 2008 2:41pm CST
Since I am such a novice at relationships I have to ask this question to all you ladies out there and men as well. So many times when I suggest to my female friends about going out tell me they have to see if their partner is working late hours or if they will be going out themselves, etc. And I am not saying they are asking to see if their boyfriends have made plans for them they basically only go out with friends when the guys are not around to either stop them or give them a hard time about it. To me this is not what a relationship really is. I know out of respect you ask to see if they have something planned but to feel you have to sceak around their scehdule to do things with your own friends when the guys do not even think twice about going places with their friends. I am not a feminist people, but come on. ANd they tell me all the time "You don't understand you've never been in a relationship." Well, I look at this way I would 1) never be in a relationship like that 2) know how I act when I am around other people no matter the setting 3) am a grown woman who has a set of parents who don't even set limitations on me as an adult--and don't need another daddy 4) would not even be with someone who has that much lack of trust in myself and our relationship. So am I just disillusional because I have never been that infatuated with a guy to let him tell me what I can and cannot do? Or is this how the whole couple thing really works? If it is I don't I would be a very good girlfriend even though I am a very trustworthy person and loyal. My parents who have been together for over 35 years have never acted this way. And never once doubted their trust in each other.
3 responses
• United States
14 Aug 08
I agree with you - if it's done out of obedience and they are allowing their partner to control them, that's pretty messed up. I check with my husband before making plans out of respect - I feel he has a right to know what I'm up to - but if it's something I really want to do, he doesn't get to tell me no without a REALLY good reason. If he even tried, it would not end well for him. I'm his partner, not his subservient. I will do what I want to do, but it is courtesy for me to let him know my plans, just in case something else is going on.
@taface412 (3177)
• United States
14 Aug 08
That makes sense to me. I just do not see how these girls put up with it, or how they could even think it is a real relationship....this may be why most relationships don't last long and people (women) don't know how to communicate with the men from the beginning and it steam rolls until they just leave. I dunno. I just cannot figure it out.
• United States
14 Aug 08
Those kinds of behaviors are usually cyclical - that is to say that these girls' mothers were probably much the same; the word of the husband was law. That's not always the case, but many times it is. Breaking that cycle is hard.
@writersedge (22579)
• United States
16 Aug 08
I'm married and if I want to go out, I do. If I want to stay in, I do. We do things together and separately. I know what you're saying. I had a friend, we spent two hours getting somewhere, then after half an hour, we had to go back home because he husband needed her to make supper. He couldn't zap a meal once in a month or open and can and heat it? Two hours to get to a Pow Wow, two hours back and we paid $15 to get in and I ran around fast to see all the displays and crafts and got to see one dance. Trust me, you're better off if they don't go at all. I've never had the chance to go again. Sounds like your parents are more like my husband and I. Don't settle for any kind of crap like that. No one should have to sneak around to be with friends. I wouldn't have a relationship like that either.
@writersedge (22579)
• United States
16 Aug 08
Oh yeah, I didn't go anywhere with her again, didn't invite her or accept invitations because that was ridiculous.
• United States
14 Aug 08
I agree, sort of. When you are married, or in a relationship, but probably mostly married, you owe your partner the respect to know where you are. Asking permission, no, but respect them enough to know where you will be and with whom. I dont think that is too much to ask.
@taface412 (3177)
• United States
14 Aug 08
I agree completely with you....it boils down to respect and trust....but that's not the case I think in their relationships. The guys think they are up to no good all the time.