I just can't be in the wedding!!

@fluffysue (1463)
United States
August 19, 2008 6:47pm CST
I am single and have a decent-sized group of mostly single friends, whom I met through a local social/networking group. One of these friends asked 3 of us from that group to be in her wedding, including me. My issue is that I seriously feel that we are not SUCH good friends that I should be in her wedding. I think that she asked me and another girl because we are good friends with someone else she asked, honestly. It is not that I do not consider her a friend, but I really only speak to her when we are hanging out with the larger group. It is not like we chat on the phone or anything else. I was so shocked when she mentioned it, that I said yes, as it seemed to be the only graceful reply. However, in thinking about it, I do not think it is appropriate. Not to mention, I know what a pain in the butt it is to participate in all the wedding nonsense; I did it for my sister, but honestly I don't know too many others I would do it for. So, is there a way to back out of this nicely, more than a month after I was asked, or do I have to fake my own death or something? I know how this makes me sound, but really, I NEED to get out of this.
4 people like this
7 responses
@Trace86 (5033)
• United States
19 Aug 08
I think it might be a bit late to back out gracefully. Unless you can think of an excellent excuse, you may be stuck. You could try discussing it with her. Let her know about your misgivings about being in her wedding and taking up a bridesmaid slot that rightfully should have gone to a closer friend or a cousin. Let her know that you wouldn't be hurt if she had someone she would rather have besides you, rather you would be grateful to be replaced. It is possible that her fiancee had a number of groomsmen picked out and she needed to fill out her side to match. All you can do is be honest with her. Don't wait too much longer, or she may not even want to remain a casual friend.
@fluffysue (1463)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Yes, I definitely won't wait much longer to decide, I really don't want to cause any problems. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
19 Aug 08
That's a tough one! I have done that in the past, made a committment to do something and then not wanted to do it later. But unlike you I just did it and made a note to myself that the next time someone asks me to do something I am not sure about I'd just say "I'll think about it!".....if you weren't in the wedding would you go? Because that could be your excuse....just say you forgot about a prior engagement you had and so you have to beg out...
1 person likes this
@fluffysue (1463)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Oh, I would definitely go to the wedding even if I wasn't in it. Plus, the wedding is still a little over a year away, so it would be hard to come up with a prior engagement. I will try to think of one though! lol No I really may just have to go through with it.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32266)
• United States
19 Aug 08
I really think that you should think about it, okay that being said I can't force you. You need to talk to this friend because she may very well not have anyone else she can rely on. I am planning my own wedding now, and well at the same time earlier my friends and I had a falling out and we're no longer friends. I'm glad that we aren't, but I was kind of worried as I didn't know who to ask. I ended up asking some other friends of mine, that I am luckily close to, but these people weren't my first choice. Talk to her now, don't be chicken, but she's including you in everything now, and you might want to catch her before the measuring appointment comes around, you know? Well I hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@fluffysue (1463)
• United States
19 Aug 08
Yeah that is what I am worried about, too, that maybe she doesn't have anyone else to ask. She asked one close friend from high school, and then 3 of us that she has known maybe a little over a year. I am thinking if she had other close friends she would have asked them. Thanks, I will think about that.
2 people like this
@ronaldinu (12440)
• Malta
21 Feb 10
I understand your situation. Sometimes you feel stuck in a situation that there does not seem a clean way out of it. Two years have passed since you have posted this discussion. It is interesting to see how you managed to get out of it, if you have succeeded or not. I would not have gone if I don't feel comfortable.
@fluffysue (1463)
• United States
22 Feb 10
Wow, was it really two years ago that I posted this? Time flies. Well, I was in the wedding, it was very nice, although it was a really bad time for me to be involved with that since I haven't been working, and it's very expensive, between bridesmaid dresses, showers, bachelorette parties, etc. But it was fun, the wedding is great, and best of all I am done paying for wedding things now.
@ronaldinu (12440)
• Malta
22 Feb 10
during the first fours years we got married we had around around ten wedding invitations to attend per year.... that was a bit.....too much so i can understand perfectly what you meant
• United States
6 Apr 09
tell them you can't afford it at this time (time off from work,travel,etc...) i wish i'd thought of that when a cousin asked (well,actually,my mom accepted for me before asking me) ..and not only did i lose work time,i had to travel 4 states over,and pay for a silk bridesmaid dress. silk.i could have strangled her.
@fluffysue (1463)
• United States
6 Apr 09
A silk dress? Yikes! Well, I didn't say anything, so I am in the wedding. I wish I had thought of that excuse, since now it is true. A month or so after posting this, I was let go from the job I was working at, and have not found another one yet. I have yet to figure out how I am going to pay for all the wedding stuff. I already had to pay half the cost of the dress, plus I am estimating an additional $100 in alterations. At least there are five bridesmaids so maybe the cost of the parties and whatnot won't be so bad. I hope.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Apr 09
oh man..that's some bad timing well..try to have fun anyways.free food is always a good thing. i brought some home myself after having to go all that way for it oh..you should have seen what she was looking at before the silk. checked gingham..ala "maryann from gilligan's island?" oh my god.how bad would that have been for a bridesmaid dress? thank god she was talked out of it.
• United States
20 Aug 08
Hi fluffysue. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. This sounds very difficult and you could do many things but really it's not that tough if you think about it. I definately agree with telling the truth and not lying about a prior engagement. This person may not have all that many friends and she may think of you as a good friend or just think you are a great person and wants to know you better. This is a good thing. Right? I have also been in wedding parties, a lot of them, tux rental is a lot cheeper than buying a dress, and I have a large family so some were brothers and sisters, others good friends for a long time, and i both enjoyed it and loathed it. What i think is that you should go through with it. Get to know this person better in the year leading up to this great day in her life, if you were going to go anyway, why not be featured and share in her joy, unless you were just going for the party, dinner, and free booze. You may find a really good friend to add to your circle. Sometimes it's hard to except new friends when you have had so many good ones from the past, but new people add new life to you. If you dont let yourself have a good time you wont have a good time, add something to this day. If you choose to back out, gracefully, be truthefull. You risk hurting her felings or alienating yourself from her for good, as well as messing up the chemistry of your exsiting circle of friends. Follow your instincs and listen to your heart.
@bbjwlsn (263)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Hey fluffy, how's it going? I feel like since the wedding is over a year away, you shouldn't have bad feelings about telling her that you are not going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Just tell her your honest feelings; that you were in your sister's wedding, and you had decided that you never wanted to do something like that again. Tell her that you're sorry that you said yes, but she caught you by surprise, and you said yes without thinking about it. Then tell her that you would be honored to be an invited guest at her wedding, and that you will have a much more enjoyable time than if you were in the bridal party. If she takes it personally and stops being your friend, she wasn't really a friend anyway. That is her loss, not yours. Good luck, and if you are going to tell her you changed your mind, you should really do it soon, like now.