Is it okay and normal to not want to be in a relationship at all?

United States
August 20, 2008 3:46am CST
I have been in 3 serious long term relationships, married and divorced twice. I am forty and have been in a relationship at any given time since I was 14, that's 26 years of relationships, as I am 40. All of them were abusive in one way or another. Now that I have been single for 4 years I enjoy the independence I never had. I am afraid of getting into another controlling relationship and losing that freedom, so I decided to be on my own and enjoy it. But people think it is sad, weird, and dumb. Does anyone else share the same feelings?
9 people like this
36 responses
• United States
21 Aug 08
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone, however, people were not made to be solitary creatures. Tigers are lone creatures, they have to have room to roam and will fight over any territory infringement. People are made to be with a partner, maybe not one partner forever but with someone. It's normal to be fed up if you have had several bad experiences but you can't give up on the idea all together. You should be more upfront about how important your independence is when you enter into a relationship.
@LittleMel (14059)
• Canada
21 Aug 08
I have never been in any abusive relationship but I don't see anything dumb about your decision. By nature I don't easily fall in love or trust someone so in a way I don't make too many friends and also I have never been trapped in abusive relationship either. My father was a strong figure in my family and he taught me to be careful not too trusting, and I had bad experiences trusting my girl friends, this is how I adopt that attitude in relating to other people. Yea I had people telling me that I am self righteous etc that no man would marry me. I didn't give a damn what they said and guess what I am married for almost 8 years now he is far from abusive although he is sarcastic sometimes and strict with money. The thing is people can say what they want or they think is true, but it is you who will have to bear the consequences of your actions. They may be right about it, maybe you should get involved again, but why fake a smile if you don't have to? I may not be an expert in relationship but I don't waste my time with relationships that are not constructive at all.
@shell1986 (405)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I know I am only 21 but I completely understand what you mean! My mom is the exact same way. She recently got divorced for the fourth time because she simply missed her independence and wanted it back. She was married until I was 12 and from then until I was 17 she was single. She said that she loved being with her kids and not having to deal with drama and stupid stuff. So I applaud you because it takes a very strong woman to be like that!!
2 people like this
• United States
20 Aug 08
That's right! I totally agree... :)
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Aug 08
Thank you. Most people say it is cowardly to be alone. But You are right it takes a strong woman.
@dragon54u (31406)
• United States
21 Aug 08
I'm 54, married for 19 years and now divorced. It just about killed me to lose my husband but now I'm glad, it was the best thing and I'm happy. People think I'm a bit strange because I don't date and am not interested. That part of my life is over, I'm starting a new life with other interests and enjoying my freedom. I think you're wise to steer clear of relationships right now. You're young and might not want to swear off relationships yet, but by taking some time off from them maybe you'll find out why you attract those controlling men. If you can discover that and fix the problem, you'll find a healthy relationship and enjoy the type of love that you deserve. In the meantime, pay no attention to people who think you're weird. Live your life the best way for you--it's your life, not theirs! Being happy doesn't mean you have to have another person to share your life with.
2 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
21 Aug 08
what a wonderful, wonderful attitude you have ! enjoy your newfound freedom, my friend.
@laglen (19783)
• United States
21 Aug 08
I see nothing wrong with it! If you can't love yourself, you can't love somebody else! I think you should just enjoy yourself now. If you meet somebody later,, great. Don't let other people convince you to do something that you know you shouldn't!
@ganda8831 (816)
• Philippines
21 Aug 08
I dont think its weird or dumb. You're just being true to yourself and enjoying your new found independence. It's a good thing that you got out of these abusive relationships. It's better to be alone than be in a relationship where you lose your self-worth.
@iskayz (5423)
• Philippines
21 Aug 08
Hi and welcome to mylot! I am single too and have many friends and relatives still unmarried and they are all happy. It's not that I chose to be single and I've been in relationships too in the past but this is where situations have brought me. I am happy with where I am. Of course, I'm hoping to find my partner in life someday but if its God's will. If you chose to be single its ok. As long as you're happy with your life. Don't think about what other people say. It's your life and you have the all the right to decide how to live your life. Stay happy!
@magojordan (3256)
• Philippines
21 Aug 08
I think there's nothing wrong with it. As long as you are happy then go on live your life to the fullest. I don't think it's sad nor dumb because it's your choice having a partner may be fulfilling but of course not for all. If you're happy with it then don't let others tell you what to do. No one knows your own happiness but yourself.
2 people like this
@n30wing (4771)
• Philippines
21 Aug 08
I am in a relationship for almost two years. I don't think of other people what they say. You make your own life,no one feeds you,you make your own choices,and what will make you happy. I think what makes you contented with what you have. You had enough so you deserve to be happy with life.Go on and smile and the world smile at you then crying your own your own. Have a nice day!
2 people like this
@Reyah23 (641)
• Philippines
21 Aug 08
Of course is it okay and normal if you don't want to be in a relationship. Every person is entitle to our own choice. If a person choose to be not in a relationship, no else can manipulate her or his decision. Many people decided to be in a relationship free situation for some reason. Some of them got hurt before, so much focus on professional matter and others decided to devote their self to his or her belief and faith.
@pau_79 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 08
I guess you have to take your time than rush yourself just to be in a relationship and hopefully meet the 'right person' for you-in time.
@yenwie84 (1345)
• Malaysia
20 Aug 08
I think we don't need to care what others say about us as long as we are happy with our life. Now it seems that you are enjoying your life of being single and independent,I think you don't need to bother about others' words. There is nothing wrong for not getting into a relationship. Every person has their own freedom to choose who they want to be or just stay by their own. I don't see any problem there. Stop worrying and just be yourself. Lol. Happy posting.
@rosedust82 (2075)
• Philippines
20 Aug 08
With what you had to go through, I think it's perfectly normal for you to want your new found freedom. You've been through a lot and you alone can make the decision of wanting to be single. It's your choice and no one should question your decision because they were not there to experience the things that you had to go through. If staying single makes you happy, then go for it! Be happy and stay happy. Life is too short to waste on little things.
• United States
20 Aug 08
It is normal to not want to be in a relationship. Especially after abuse. Don't worry about it. KEEP your independence! I love mine.
• United States
20 Aug 08
I think it is great that you are taking your time and just being you for a while instead of what everyone else thinks you should be. You are just being you not a girlfriend, not a wife, not a caretaker just you. Why do people think that after a relationship we should just jump right into another one. I think the best things we can do is kisk back and discover who we really are and what we really want. There is nothing at all wrong with being alone for a while or even forever if that is what we really chose. There are good men out there and why settle for one just to please eveyuone else. Take your time, be picky when you decide you are ready to date. I do mean date here also lol not just hook up with one and call it good. take em all out on a lot of test drives before you buy into one. There is nothing wrong with having dates and enjoying life with no intention of hooking up or marriage. I hope what I am saying makes sense. I know what I am trying to say but not real sure it is coming out that way
2 people like this
@eyzee12 (103)
• Philippines
20 Aug 08
... i think, being single is by choice... i don't look at it as a lack of opportunity to have a relationship... it doesn't mean also, that nobody likes you, its just that you are not on the road to have one... as long as your happy at your present disposition, then your on the right track... ... at your age, i don't think you still mind what other people says or dictates you what to do with your life... ... as for me, i don't mind if i'm single, coz i know what makes me happy. i have my friends who love me. and my family also. ... though they say that having a relationship / commitment is a sign of maturity. in your position, i think your beyond that level.
• Japan
20 Aug 08
i guess it depends on the situation...like urself 3 serious long realationship married and divorce and ur 40 years old considering ur past experience i think its okay :)
2 people like this
@quinnkl (1668)
• United States
21 Aug 08
It sounds like you need to find and enjoy yourself/ your own company for the first time in years, and that can only be a good thing! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be on your own. But don't be afraid of relationships if one happens for you! It is certainly good to proceed with caution, but not to totally give up on love and relationships. But, irregardless of what people say, enjoy being on your own! I really believe that when you get to know yourself and are comfortable with who you are, you will have better relationships with others too!
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Aug 08
I haven't been in a serious relationship for years by choice and my family has accepted my decision. I am happy with things as they are. I don't want to change my life and have to accomadate someone else. I have good relationships and feel no need to be attached. Less headache, less heartache. You're burned, like I am. Folks can't understand how that feels.
1 person likes this
@kellyjeanne (1578)
• United States
21 Aug 08
I'm a very young 50 year old and from a very young age (more specifically before I was a teenager) I never had the desire to get married and have children. As an adult I have had my share of relationships - some abusive, others not - (although never married) and at this stage of my life I am extremely happy not being in a relationship. I've never thought it was sad, strange or dumb to think so and when anybody told me so I would just tell them that they are idiots for saying that to me and judging me this way. The idea is that because we are women it is natural to want to be tied down to a man. I've never seen the logic in that. If I've ever gotten involved with somebody it was because I truly wanted to and not because I'm a woman and as far as society is considered I'm supposed to be helpless and incomplete without a man in my life. People who think like this are delusional and simply not living in reality. These people who tell you that you are sad, weird or dumb are idiots and they should be told as such. Do what makes you happy for yourself. That's what counts in life. Of course, we should be motivated to help others as well, but, in order to do that we first have to be happy and content with our situations. Tell your friends to go jump in the lake! Have a great day and an even better one tomorrow! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija (my furangel)
1 person likes this