Dilemmas... What to do?

Philippines
August 22, 2008 12:46am CST
I just got off of a very unhealthy relationship and the wound is still fresh...Right now I'm focused on my studies and on trying to mend my heart and my confidence thanks to my friends online and off, i manage... however recently another dear friend of mine who's been supporting me through this time popped a question it was so sudden and so out of the blue and so... argh.. wrong timing much? I still feel very vulnerable yet I don't want to lose his friendship if i declined it... After dumping both my bf and his cousin/ my best friend, i just don't want to lose another friend.. I want somebody to comfort me but I don't want him to be a substitute, I'm so confused.. I feel so helpless.. he told me he's willing to wait and help mend my heart but.. oh I don't know anymore... :'( why do i always end up like this...
4 people like this
18 responses
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
22 Aug 08
if you aren't ready, then definately don't go into another relationship just yet, give yourself some time to heal, and re-organize yourself. take things slowly, explain to him that right now you just can't get into another relationship, that you still need some time to get over everything from the last relationship, i think he would understand that, and i don't think you would loose his friendship for that.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
Thank rbailey83, I'll be sure to take my time... Hopefully he's willing to wait...
1 person likes this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
22 Aug 08
if he is really wanting to take things further than friendship, and has these strong feelings for you, i am sure he is willing to wait. but try not to concern yourself with how he may be feeling about all of this, remember that you need to come first in order to allow yourself to move one. you need to worry about you right now
1 person likes this
@mjmlagat (3171)
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
In your present situation, it would be illogical for you to tangle yourself with another uncertainty. Just let go of that friendship if you need to as long as you are freeing yourself from another cycle of complications which you are not done dealing with yet. Good luck!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
hi thanks for the response... specifically those I love... I wish so much that I could fix things right now.. I guess I'll just have to make him understand...
1 person likes this
@redchase (347)
22 Aug 08
i think the only thing i can say is dont go into a relationship if you arent ready. its not fair to the guy and its not fair to you. so just tell your friend that youre in a tough spot right now and need to focus on fixing whats wrong with you first before you go off and try to start something and possibly risk losing what could be a great relationship as more than friends or risk losing the relationship as friends that you already have. if he cares, he'll understand. right now is the time to fix yourself and really know what it is that you want and what will make you happy.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
hi redchase, thanks for the advise. i know I sound so messed up right now and I really want to just concentrate on things... Thank you so much..
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Aug 08
I wouldn't do it if I were you. You obviously aren't ready especially with all these doubts. Talk to the guy and let him know where you are coming from and let him know you aren't ready and that you don't want to mess the friendship up by rushing into things. Great things come to those who wait. If it is meant to be, he will be there when you are ready. Don't be afraid to take time out and just do you for a minute. It'll definitely give you time to clear your head and put things into perspective.
1 person likes this
@cbreeze (1207)
• United States
22 Aug 08
I have been in a similar situation as you before. I ended a relationship that had turned toxic while I was 5 months pregnant. A dear dear friend whom I love, asked if we could date. I thanked him and told him my wounds were still too fresh and given my situation, I would not trust my ability to make a decision like that at the time. I told him maybe after I felt stronger and after my baby was born, we could revisit the idea. He stayed my friend and stayed supportive and respected my answer. That was about 8 years ago. We are still close friends. I hope this gives you an idea of how to address your situation
1 person likes this
@nengs10 (3188)
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
Letting go is really hard to do. If you're not ready yet to enter a commitment, better talk to your friend sincerely about what you feel. Be honest to him to the point that you don't hurt his feelings too. Go out and have fun.
1 person likes this
@cecelgay (563)
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
Right now,I think you shouldn't get into another relationship after dumping your bf, be frank to your friend and tell him that you're not yet ready to come into another relationship, for sure your friend will understand your situation, what you need is space and time, if your friend really like you and willing to wait then that would be good, just let him be around, as you've said you dont want to lost him, but be careful, for sure that your friend is expecting something on you if you'll not be frank of him, if he's just a friend to you then say it if he leave you he's not your true friend, he want to befriend you because he like you... Ask your self if you want him also to more than a friend, if yes, then let him stay beside you if not better to be frank to him.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
22 Aug 08
it is the case many peopel face. but its something opposite that happens in rebound relationship. in this case you should have seek him. may be he has this feelings for long but as you were in realtionship, could not tell. just wait also and sdee how things go around. if still he and off course you are interested, go for it.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
I guess you better start on looking inward, rather than outward. My guess is that up to now, you still haven't recovered from your past relationship, the reason why you end up dumping your friends. What you are going to do, is start acknowledging your heartaches and accept it that you also contributed some mistakes, accept it, without blaming anyone especially yourself, don't put any blame on what happened, let it be at that, and don't feel guilty, give yourself a chance.Because this feeling can heighten your dilemma, and never give judgment, for this can clouded your feelings..
1 person likes this
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
Did that friend of yours courted you? I agree when you say that it's not the right time yet, wrong time because you are still hurting. You are not ready yet for another relationship, just tell him how you feel I'm sure he will understand you.
@norgzilla (142)
• Indonesia
22 Aug 08
The best person who know about you is yourself.. So if you think that made a new relationship only make you carry more burden, then dont do it.. If you keep forcing yourself to accept another person while you are not ready you will tend to make another mistake that you will regret.. And it definitely crush you more.. May be you need some time to be alone..
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 08
All you can do is be as honest as you have been. If you don't want another boyfriend, then tell him and tell him often. But add that you cherish his friendship. That is all you can do. Take care.
@MZKUMA (705)
• United States
28 Aug 08
I hope you are focusing on your studies. You need a clear mind and getting involved with anyone at this point will not help matters. Anyone who is a friend will understand. If they are interested, they will still be available when you are finished with school. You are vulnerable. If you lose the friendship because you decline, then pat yourself on the back for putting to a halt the grief that would have followed. Ultimatums aren't what you need now. Just peace of mind to succeed in completing your studies.
@Munchkin547 (2778)
23 Aug 08
Aw hun, life is tough sometimes, especially when it comes to matters of the heart! the worst thing about it is that nobody can tell you what to do, you just have to follow what your heart is telling you. If you don't feel ready to move on then just be honest with this other guy and ask him for a bit of space, if he really cares about you he will respect that, and even be there if and when you are ready to reassess the situation. As for mending a broken heart, there is no quick fix, i know this as well as anyone but the love and support of friends goes a long way! I don't know how old you are but i get the impression you are quite young, and time really is a healer, you've got plenty of time to enjoy yourself and meet mister right, so you concentrate on mending that heart of yours and don't sweat the small stuff! even though you might not have that special person in your life anymore, you are loved! My friends and i always say that men will come and go but your true friends will be there forever!! keep smiling and take a look around at all the people that care about you, you'll soon start to feel a bit better! xxx
• Pakistan
23 Aug 08
hey dear... just adopt the wate n see strategy... do not take it as a burden... live your life the way you want.. take your time... until your mind is clear... then you will be able to make a reasonable decision... find some posotive activities in life.. so that you can divert your mind... best of luck dear
• Philippines
22 Aug 08
hi there, you have to explain to this friend that you are not yet ready to be in another relationship and just enjoy your friendship for now. i don't think relationship to the rebound will really work when you haven't mend your broken heart from a failed relationship. remember that relationship should have a strong foundation. tell your friend that you have to deal with your feelings first than hurting him on the process... if he is really your friend, he will surely understand and be there for you when you needed him the most unless the friendship that he is giving you is not true and sincere. hope this helps. :)
@alpram96 (95)
• United States
22 Aug 08
Time is the only thing that will help ease the pain of your previous relationship. You do not want to rush into anything because you may end up using your new relationship as an emotional crutch to help you get through the pain. If this person is a true friend explain to him your feelings and he should understand. You need time to process what has happened to you before you go into another chapter of your life.
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
22 Aug 08
i think you need to wait awhile before going into another relationship. you need to have this man's support and caring. but, perhaps nothing more for a while. it would be a good idea to be with a group of friends going out to movies or shopping instead of being alone with only him. you won't hurt his feelings by being honest and truthful with him. if he cares, he will wait until YOU mend your broken heart. no one can do this for you.