would it be wrong of me?

@rbailey83 (1401)
Canada
August 26, 2008 6:59pm CST
if you had an illness, and you were in a new relationship with someone, and you noticed that your illness and it's side effects were causing a large amount of stress and hardship on your partner, which would also affect her interactions with her children and at work, would it be wrong to end the relationship? especially if things were about to get much worse?
10 people like this
28 responses
@Essie119 (673)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
I think that it would be wrong of you to make that decision all by yourself. If she is serious about you, it could cause her a lot of heartache for you to just end the relationship. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Most mothers will choose the relationship they have with their children over a new lover, but she deserves to have a chance to help make that choice.
3 people like this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
that has been my thinking for a while, and we have talked about it several times but to see it's effects on her, and to know that this is nothing compared to where it is going, i just don't want her to stay in it thinking that she can handle it because she knows the generalization of the illness, but doesn't understand the depths to which it goes for me, i saw it's effects on her the other night and i felt a lot of sadness because i don't want to see her go too far downhill before she starts to understand just how bad it gets
2 people like this
• United States
27 Aug 08
I think you need to sit down and share your feeling good and bad let her share her feeling good and bad. And really listen. If this is the person for you then unsaid things could be the problem. If these unsaid things are brought out in the open then you and she might understand the others fears. Good luck with this and God blessing may be on you
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
thank you, yeah i have talked to her about it a lot, both past and present, trying to help her understand my illness as best i can, but i can see it bringing her down just because of the severity of it, i see it all the time lately, and i know where my illness is heading, and just how bad it can get when i get there
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Aug 08
I think it's your partner's decision as to whether she is willing and able to cope with the situation. If you want to end it for other reasons though, be honest with her.
2 people like this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
no, i have no desire to end it, it's just hard so see her being torn down by this, as the saying goes, this is the calm before the storm, and already i have seen it affect her sleep, affecting her when she goes out, affecting her at work, and compared to where it can and most likely will go, this is a walk in the part comparatively
2 people like this
• United States
27 Aug 08
I have to agree with dawnald. She is there because she wishes to be with you. Even if it is hard on her, even if it does hurt her to see you that way, she is where she chooses to be. I understand that you don't want her to suffer from your suffering, but ultimately, it is her choice whether she stays or goes.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
yeah i keep reminding myself of that, just so hard to see someone you love hurt because of you, difficult but we continue to talk about it.
1 person likes this
@sisco100 (2345)
• United States
27 Aug 08
no i dont think it would be wrong. the one thing that i would suggest you doing is telling her your reasoning for it. personaly for me i could not be with someone if i was causing that much stress on her life even if she didnt mind it. because its just not right she has enought things on her plate without having to deal with mine too. the fact that its a new relationship there shouldnt be any problems and she should understand where your coming form. i've never been in a situation like yours, but i hope that things go smooth for you. good luck on this, and i hope that my advice helped you some what.
2 people like this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
it has, thank you, i just keep thinking that im a horrible person for thinking to do it for those reasons, but i don't want to put anyone through that type of emotional pain and hurt, especcially when it could last years before i ever pull out of it. but its hard, we both fell really hard for eachother and faster than either of us have with anyone else. but it seems wrong and selfish of me to keep it going knowing that the stress and emotional hurt will just get worse
1 person likes this
@sisco100 (2345)
• United States
27 Aug 08
ya i know what you mean, its not easy if your both really in love each other. it would be alot of pain to put someone through if you dont have much time left. you could always be friends. i wouldnt just cut her out of your life. if you really care about her then it would be best to have her in your life some what.
2 people like this
@syankee525 (6295)
• United States
27 Aug 08
i would sit and talk to her, and express how you are feeling and what she can wait for what to happen. ok i was looking for another word but i got lost in the progress.. sorry. but with me, i have bipolar and i also suffer from depression, and if someone who will be spend lot of time around me i tell them right off the bat, hey there might days where i might not be so nice. there i go again.. i just let them know what i might do or say.. just be straight forward..
2 people like this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
yeah i definately agree with you, i told her from the 2nd day, but the levels to which mine will sink, well i understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes. and i have seen it effecting her and how much in just her daily life. where i am at right now is like a walk in the park on a sunny day compared to where it is going, based on the patterns and signs i am seeing already, except that this time it is moving faster than i could have even expected that by the time i seem to finally have some control the next stage has hit and i have to start all over again, it's just hard to see someone i care about so much be affected by it so much already. i don't like watching that, and it makes it harder knowing that it is because of me
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Aug 08
I think you should sit down with your partner and talk about it. Assess the situation and bring up a worts-case scenario and make the decision together. I started getting sick around the time that I met my husband. Before we decided to get really serious, I told him flat-out that I was going to get worse and if we were to stay together and possible get married in the future, then it would unfortunately his responsibility to take care of me and do most of the work around the house and that he would most likely be the sole income. He agreed to it and here we are. It's hard sometimes, but we're pretty okay.
2 people like this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
yeah communication is definately important, and we have talked about it several times, but just at this level i can see that she is not copeing well with it, and this is, as the saying goes, the calm before the storm, so if it is effecting her this much, how bad will it effect her when the storm hits. i get the feeling that the strength of her feelings this soon into a relationship hmmm not sure how to word this, but i guess it's interfering with her really thinking about how bad things are going to get, i don't know it's just hard to see her like this when on a scale of 1 - 10, for me, i would place this at a 3, compared to the levels it can, and most likely will go
1 person likes this
@relundad (2311)
• United States
27 Aug 08
This is what I call being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't envy you on this one. We all want to know that we have someone that will stick with us, even in bad times. This being a new relationship must be really trying, because the test is at the beginning of the relationship. Even though we want to know that a person cares, we still don't want to cause them pain. Its kind of hard to have both. I would be very honest about where I am with the illness and where it is going. I would let her know that it bothers you to see the pain that she is going thru and give her permission to change her role. She can still be a caring friend. Maybe its the "role" that is stressing her out. I wish you speedy wellness, my friend.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
thank you, i didn't think about the role part, definately something to consider and it makes sense. i have told her more than i have told anyone in my family, i wanted to try and help her to understand just how severe it can get. but it's so difficult to see someone you care so much about already going through these stages and you can't stop it from getting worse. i guess it's that, i want to spare you from any further pain or hurt, even if it kills me to do it
1 person likes this
@blanne (174)
• Philippines
27 Aug 08
What do you mean by things are about to get much worse? Anyway, I think it is not wrong to end the relationship. After all, you are only after her well being right? If she is struggling and is negatively affected with your relationship, then the best way to show her you love her is to end the relationship. You end the relationship not because you hate her but because you care about her too much that you have to sacrifice things for her to be in good condition and to be in a better situation.
2 people like this
@magojordan (3254)
• Philippines
27 Aug 08
I really think that it would be sad if you end a relationship just because of you worrying about putting lot of stress to your partner.When you got in that relationship you actually both promise that you and your partner would be together even at times like that.Also wouldn't it be nice if you know that someone really cares for you and who's always there even at your hardest times.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
i know where your coming from and i guess that it is the concern that it is not like a couple days then things are fine for a while then back, etc. this is an everyday, all day, and every day gets worse, i saw the effects on my parents when i was living with them and even they had to go to the doctor to get meds to help them sleep, meds to help with anxiety and calm them down, and my dad ended up on an anti-depresant for a while because of it
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 Aug 08
I'm wishing you all the best and I'll pray that things would be better for the both of you. I hope that all would turn out fine for you and your partner.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
thank you, i appreciate that very much
• China
27 Aug 08
You should not have this idea,you can share your happiness and sadness with your friends and get help from them.I think this is real friends.Especially when you are in trouble,your friends can give you a hand.It will release your stress.
1 person likes this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
i lost my friends to my illness a long time ago, it is not a situation of bad days good days, it is bad days, that just get worse everyday, and its hard to see someone being brought down and hurt and knowing that you are the cause of it, especially someone that you are in a new relationship with and have such strong feelings for
• China
28 Aug 08
Just relax yourself,donot think more about it,you can remove your attention to other things you like.Everything will be ok.life is full of happy.Come on!
@ashar123 (2359)
• India
27 Aug 08
The best advise or suggestion I can give to you after reading all of your discussion is that "Save your life if the boat is really sinking". Its better for you to talk it over and end because it is effecting many lives in certain ways you have not mentioned in your discussion but i know they must be valid reasons.
1 person likes this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
that is a different expression, i have not heard it before. it's just hard to see soemone being brought down and going through hurt, knowing that you are the cause of it
@Nana530 (286)
• United States
27 Aug 08
You would definately need to talk this over with your partner. This is not something that you should just decide on your own without giving your partner a chance to tell how he/she feels and if there is a way it could be worked out. Talk, talk, talk. That is what is needed in this situation. Nana
1 person likes this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
we have talked alot about it, it was one of the first things i brought up, i have told her more than i have anyone else, but i keep getting this odd feeling that she is concentrating on the feelings we have for eachother and not looking past that to consider how it will affect her social life, work life, and her life with her children. it is not a bad one day or two days and then ok for a while then bad etc, it is bad every day, and will continue to get worse everday until it just can't get any worse
@heaven11 (1161)
• United States
27 Aug 08
I agree with everyone you should talk to her and let her help make the decssion but here is the thig shes still there so obviously she doesnt feel you are bring her down and for something liek this i would ask god what he would do
1 person likes this
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
27 Aug 08
that is true, but i have already seen this start to affect her social life, just her actions are different when she goes out, and i have seen it affect her sleep, there have been a few times that she lost a nights sleep because of it, i just have a hard time because i know that i am the cause of that
@alpram96 (95)
• United States
27 Aug 08
Not necessarily wrong, but before you do anything you should talk to your partner. You should also talk to your doctor who may be able to recommend ways to allevieate some of the side effects
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
yeah, i have definately made sure the communication was there, i know how important that is. I simply seem to be unresponsive to everything the doctors have tried, none know why, and i have been through both new meds and very old meds, and treatments. I guess what it comes down to is that she has asked me to give her a promise, and it is a promise i cannot make because i know that if the time comes, it is a promise i will break. although i recognize that things can change and we cannot know the future, i am asking her to stay in a relationship that has a high probability of being a relationship simply to watch me die by my own hand, and for that i cannot justify putting anyone thorugh that type of pain
• United States
28 Aug 08
I am truly sorry for your situation. Although she has the right to make her choice too, having the picture puts a different spin on the situation. It is a little concerning hearing you say that you could die by your own hand. I will not presume to know what kind of illness your are facing, but in my field I deal with many people who feel stuck in a whole that they cannot get out of. I know this will be a struggle for you to make this decision and I hope God grants you the wisdom and courage to make the right one.
• United States
27 Aug 08
I would talk to her about this first. I was in a similar situation, however I was the girlfriend. He was constantly worried that his medical issues were impairing my life or causing problems for me and they never were at all. So I think you should bring your concerns to her attention and have a talk about it. I hope, whatever illness you have, that all is well and you are doing alright!
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
i wouldn't be as worried about it if i knew that it was just going to be some down times and up times, however she has asked me to make the one promise i cannot make because i know that if the time comes i will break it. that promise is to not end my life by my own hand. although i recognize that things can change, i know that there is a higher probability of my taking my own life, so in essence i would be asking her to stay with me, only to watch me die, and for that simple fact i cannot see the justification of putting someone through that type of pain
@tlb0822 (1412)
• United States
27 Aug 08
I think the best thing is to talk with you spouse about your feelings, and your concerns. I don't think that you should make that decision on your own, because she might not feel that you should end your relationship. All relationships go through hardships that weigh heavily on the entire family, but how i see it is that no matter what family should stick together...no mattter how bad things get. I hope that things get better. God Bless.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
we have had a lot of conversations about it, i have made sure that she was aware of it and we were talking about it since day 2 of knowing eachother. I wouldn't make the decision on my own execpt that in this case what i would be asking i cannot feel justified in asking it. she has asked me to make a promise i cannot promise, because i know that if the time comes i will break it. so i would, in essence, be asking her to stand with me only to watch my die by my own hand. i recognize and understand that things can change, but for me i have a higher probability of ending it myself than continueing on and hopeing that something does work, that something does change,
• Canada
27 Aug 08
Hey there...I've had 2 kidney stones since novemeber...going on a year now...Sometimes the pain is so terrible that when the time comes to be intimate with my girlfriend, I simply can't go on with it...I'm very lucky to have a girl like her though, she understands completely...Although it has cause some stress financially, seeing as I've had to miss some work because of this, whether it's because it simply hurts so much I can't go to work, or doctor's appointments... -Mike
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
i have never had kidney stones before, but i have heard they hurt like hell, having two must have been really painfull. it definately helps though when your partner is understanding. we have talked through this a lot, and i think it has resolved itself through talking, she has asked me to give her the one promise i cannot make, because i know that if the time comes i will break it, and i am not going to give her an empty promise, so what i am offering her is a relationship, and even though i understand things can change, it is a relationship that she could very well go through just to watch me die by my own hand, and it is that part, that type of pain, that i do not feel justified putting anyone through
• United States
27 Aug 08
I would sit with your significant other and let them know how you are feeling and then just listen to what they are telling you. Ask them what are their feelings of this issue and how do they feel about it. I think that before any decisions are made you should discuss it with them first.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
there has definately been a lot of talk, i have been talking to her about the illness since day 2 of knowing eachother, for the simple reason that it is a lot more extreme than what you would find in most cases, and i wanted to make sure she fully understood everything. however i think that through the talking it has resolved itself through the simple reason that i cannot maker her the promise she wants simply because i knnow that if the time comes i will break that promise, and i am not going to give her an empty promise just because i don't want to be alone
@newtondak (3950)
• United States
27 Aug 08
I think that you should have a heart-to-heart talk with this person an see how she feels about the situation. When you really care about someone, you weather the storms together because you love each other - even though it may cause stress and hardship. It may be that she is more than willing to endure anything your illness might bring because she cares for you.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
but what about asking her to stand by me just to watch me die by my own hand? i know that i cannot see the future, and i recognize that things can change, but i know where i am heading all to well, however it is moving faster than it has before, she has asked me to maker her the promise that i won't do that, but as i said to her that is not a promise i can make as i know that if the time comes, it is a promise i will break, i think that through our conversations, it has resolved itself around that promise and me not being able to make it
• United States
27 Aug 08
Very wrong! Sick people are still PEOPLE! They still have feelings, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, etc. Its hard of course, but you would be so blessed for sticking through it and not being selfish and just giving up on them.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
28 Aug 08
what about when you no longer have any dreams? i think that through all of our talks about this the talks have resolved the situation, she has asked me to promise her that which i cannot, for i know that if the time comes, i will break that promise, in essence, what i would be asking her to do is stand by me, be with me until a day comes that i take my own life, asking her to watch me die, and i just can't see any justification in putting her through that.