My Ranting (warning: it is long)

@rbailey83 (1401)
Canada
August 30, 2008 1:26am CST
There are many who will dissagree, and some who won't and can't understand, but i say this now to lay it out in the beginning: there are some things worse than death. For those of you who will never, or can never understand, i apologize but there are no words to put to that statement to even begin to explain, it is something that has to be experienced to understand. For those of you who do understand, i grieve with you in my heart Depression, an illness that is passed off so lightly by so many who do not understand. There is so much more to depression than most will ever understand in their life time. Depression not only corrupts the essence of who you are, but it can also kill you without dieing. How can that be? That doesn't make sense! many will question and say. It kills you where no one will ever notice, it drains the life away until you become a living shell of who you used to be. Your thoughts are no longer what they used to be, you no longer see what you used to see. Many will never understand the immense pain that is felt inside, a pain so deep and so long lasting that death becomes more preferable. The only thing left to do is to kill the shell of who you used to be. When it lasts for such a long period of time, you are no longer who you used to be. When the depression is so severe, that you are forced to create an alternate personality so that no one can see the immense pain inside, there is no hope of reclaiming who you used to be. Because of the effects the illness has on others, that's when you truly realize how lonely your life is to become. A more recent statement that i have used for those that try to keep hope alive within me is this: It is no different that a doctor dealing with a trauma patient, some they are able to save, and some, simply too much time has passed to be able to save them. So is it in my case. There is nothing here for me. There is no reason for me to live. Yes i understand i would cause some people some pain by taking my life, but it is unfair for them to ask me to continue with this pain to spare them theirs. I know the place my depression is taking me back to and it is not a place i can bear to be again, however, i know it is necessary before i can once again attempt to take my own life. There is no more pain and suffering that can be done to my soul, for it has been stripped and beatend, and died long ago. There is no one that can be with me and not be affected in some way, shape, or form by my depression. I have seen friends and loved ones cast me aside, because the effects on them were too great. I go on, whishing and hoping there will be someone outside of family who will be able to withstand my depression, but deep downn inside, i know that is not a reality, only a dream. I hurth those around me and i do not want to subject anyone to that. I entered this world alone, and i will depart alone. I cannot truly be loved, because i present a fake personality to hide what's inside, and it is that personality that others fall in love with, not me. How can someone love something that died a long time ago. I was fortunate to meet someone who truly stole my heart. She gave me a glimpse into who i used to be and made me feel things long since forgotten, Things i never thought i would feel again. As my depression worsened, i could see the effects already, and at that point it was just the beginning, as the saying goes "The calm before the storm." I knew that the effects on her would only get worse, and i could not bear to see that happen, so i let her go. I never thought i would ever feel my heart break again, but that day, it shattered, and that day, and for days afterwards, i once again felt tears, and truly understood just how lonely my life would be. And when i take my last breath, i will only see her eyes and her smile, and i will only her her laughter, and for that, i will smile. I will continue to walk this lonely path until the day comes, that i have enough strength to end it. I can already feel it getting closer. The suicidal thoughts have matured in a way that there is little chance of failure when the time comes. The pain i feel inside makes me sick. I cannot sleep without medication, and it takes all the energy i have to get up and leave my home. Nobody see's me, i am a shadow long since forgotten and ignored. No one takes notice of me unless i step forward. This is only a small glimpse of my world. There is so much that i don't know how to put words to. I am lost, i am forgotten, i am unnoticed, i am nothing.
1 person likes this
3 responses
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
4 Sep 08
I guess no one knows the hurt you felt inside and perhaps you feel that medicines will not help with clinical depression if that is also combined with the depression you get by doing wrong things. You not only have your balance upset by the wrong chemicals or the lack of chemicals you have in your brain, but also you have the problem of dealing with your guilt. So in essence what you need are two people, the doctor to deal with your clinical depression or a minister, reverend or someone who is of your faith to deal with your spiritual depression. I am sure that our girl friend is strong enough to help. But I would avoid people who think that by helping someone else will cure your depression. I have low grade depression and it never worked for me. My memory is too long.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
4 Sep 08
yeah a lot of people get stuck in the trap that they can help, but because so much of it is an internal fight, there isn't much they can do. I have been through meds from all families to try and treat it, ECT, and now the psych and doctors are wanting me to consider doing DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation) treatments because i have been unresponsive to the meds and ECT. but i have some issues with doing it just from the information i have found so i am leaving it as a truly last option. A lot of counseling, but the problem is that i can't just come out and start talking about everything, i need them to drill me with questions and what not until it comes out, so usually the session goes without much serious conversation
• Philippines
4 Sep 08
i feel exactly the same way. ive been through some therapy before but it seems to not be helping. how can i move on if the pain is still there, present. i have this hole in my heart for years and i haven't moved on from the pain. i have so many questions unanswered. but i guess to find out truth might be painful. i want to move on but it seems that i am forced to be someone i am not.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
4 Sep 08
truth can definately be painful sometimes, however, it can also give us the ability to have more control over a situation than we would have had otherwise. And sometimes that can also lead into ways of discovery on how to help ourselves get better or different things we can try depending on our needs
@sunnflr (2767)
• United States
30 Aug 08
This is so scary. I know it's a plea for help, but I don't know how! I wish someone close to you could intervene and help you in some way. This is so sad, and I'm sorry you feel so alone. I hate that your depression is so bad and you hurt like this. I will pray for you.
@rbailey83 (1401)
• Canada
4 Sep 08
thank you, it was just one of those things that i felt the need to write and this is what came out, i am glad because it hits a lot of interesting points, and it is definately something i will give to my psych to read and see if maybe he picks up on something we have missed
1 person likes this