Dear Sir or Madam

@p1kef1sh (45647)
September 3, 2008 5:48am CST
Last Thursday I purchased a 200g (7 ozs) packet of Scottish shortbread fingers from your store. These were not opened until yesterday (tuesday) afternoon. I would like to complain that it is now 11.45 am on Wednesday and the packet is empty! How can this happen. I have been in the house the whole time. Often sipping tea or the odd coffee and eating a biscuit. Apart from overnight when I can assure you that the whole house was asleep; those biscuits have not been out of my sight. I would like you to explain just HOW 16 biscuits could have just gone missing like that. I look forward to receiving your explanation and hopefully a little incentive by return. Yours in anticipation and with a slightly funny tummy Pikef1sh
17 people like this
37 responses
@ruby222 (4848)
3 Sep 08
Like you I often have a case of the `missing biscuits`,in fact I have been tempted to hire a Private eye to assist with my investigations.But the fact of the matter is that once the wrapper is opened ..my left hand..because im a left hander..wanders idly toward the packet,that lays teasing me..and being a mere mortal..well..say no more..the biscuits are demolished one by one,systematically..and im ashamed to say that I feel no guilt,not even a teensy weensy bit.A cup of tea cant posssibly be enjoyed without the accompaniment of a biscuit,and im none too fussy what kind of biscuit either!there are ones that I wouldnt give a second look,that become my favourites when they are the only kind left.in my dreams I fantasise about chocolate digestives..but they do recommend a dose of Bisodol if you have overdone things Pike my boy .
3 Sep 08
Yes well its all well and good giving advice out to the Pike Ruby,but will he listen to you?I think not,practically all at Mylot know how much he loves his biccies,and well im sure he is entitiled to them too!but the one thing that I do wonder is,does he hog the packets to himself,or does he share them with Mrs Pike?Im not too good at sharing my faves here,anyone can have a plain biscuit,but im selfish to the core with my favourites.As you say he is a mere mortal,and in no way is infallible,but if he chooses to pig out then he must pay the price,or buy the Rennies,the choice is his.But all I have to say is ,just dont let him come crying to me when the bathroom scales explode as he stands on them.
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Do you think that's how it happened Ruby? A wandering hand whilst I was engrossed in the excitement of the net. A small biscuity finger sneaking its way in without me even realising. Oh Woe. I shall just have to go and get some more. I have some bisodol. I know that Ella would look after me really. She just likes to tease me.
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
3 Sep 08
Very sly, I wonder if the company would be good enough to notice your ... error... So you haven't been eating any biscuits eh?
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Me? - Oh I am offended. How could you possibly suggest..... Oh, the crumbs eh? Bit of a giveaway. I may have had one or two! LOL
4 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
3 Sep 08
ah but one or two could have easily slipped out of the package unbeknownst to you....
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Of course. Now why didn't I think of that. Good story. That's the one I'll use.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Sep 08
Dear Mr. P1kefish, We are of the opinion that most of our customers are typical restrained, polite Brits, who understand the joy of eating only one or two of our biscuits at a time, thereby prolonging the pleasure over several tea times. We are aware however, that as our biscuits are of the highest quality and taste, that there are those of you who throw caution to the winds and plow their way through a box without thinking about 'tomorrow'. We can only surmise that in your delirium of gluttony, you did not stop to think of the consequences. We are sending you a box of bicarbonate of soda, and suggest that from here on in, you buy TWO boxes at a time. Thank you for your patronage.
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Dear madam, Burp. Thank burp you for your letterrrrrrrrr, Gulp. The biburponate of soburpda is very welburp. Your product is indeed burp and very moreburpish. Thank burp. I shall go irst burp in the morning and burp another two burps as suggested. Yours burpishly
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
4 Sep 08
Dear Sir, We regret to inform you that you couldn't possibly have been eating OUR biscuits as they do not make our punters, excuse me, customers burp! You must have been eating cheap German knock offs, in which case - shame on you and please return the bicarbonate of soda by the first post. Sincerely, One seriously disappointed customer relations rep.!
@skinnychick (6937)
• United States
3 Sep 08
The cookie monster broke in and stole them??? Darn little blue guy!
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Well if I find him he's in BIG trouble Skinny.
3 people like this
• United States
3 Sep 08
LOL Kick his azz!!
3 people like this
@peaceful (3286)
• United States
3 Sep 08
I am writing a similar letter of complaint that mentions the missing contents of a whole jar of smooth peanut butter and an empty squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup... I am a single dude who doesn't have any kids, and neither of my four Lady friends spent the night with me last night, so what gives?
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Four lady friends and your call yourself "Peaceful" LOL. Looks like you have a serious problem there too. We need to hunt these varmints down before some other poor unsuspecting person is afflicted.
4 people like this
@peaceful (3286)
• United States
4 Sep 08
I am really Peaceful and Lucky, too because my Ladies love each other like Sisters... No jealousy or PMT, either! Now, about those peanut butter and chocolate varmints... I think I see a chocolate toe-print near my pantry, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
@kenzie45230 (3563)
• United States
3 Sep 08
I confess! I ate them! I first had real Scottish shortbread when we had a visitor from Scotland when I was about 8 years old. When I was in my late 20s, my teen sister came to live with me every summer and we discovered an awesome store that sold all Scottish things - including the shortbread. Eventually the grocery stores started selling it too. But I cannot get enough. I did it!
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Oh Kenzie. The truth will out. But I like truthfulness so you are excused. LOL!
3 people like this
@dizzblnd (3073)
• United States
3 Sep 08
Dear Sir, Thank you for your recent contact about you empty package of our cookies. This is the first time we have heard of our cookies sprouting arms and legs, opening the package, marching out of one's pantry and into ones mouth in the dark of night. We have happily enclosed a coupon for another package along with a video camera to see if you can catch this amazing phenomenon again. If you can, we shall pay you a large amount of money to appear on a commercial. We do hope you are feeling a little better, and look forward to seeing the amazing video Sincerely, The Amazing Disappearing Shortbread Cookie Company
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Dear Madam, What a thoughtful and progressive company you are. I can assure you that I shall now sit up all night, once I have exchanged the coupon that you kindly sent me for another packet of shortbread, and endeavour to catch the biscuit thief shortbread handed! My tummy is feeling a little better now thank you. P1kef1sh
3 people like this
@Munchkin547 (2779)
3 Sep 08
hmm the odd coffee and eating a biscuit?!?! i think there may be a p1ke out there with a few calories to burn off today!! haha xxx
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
I'm hoovering the fridge Munchkin. It's so dusty. That'll burn off a few calories. Oh, there's a Mars Fun Size. Must have fallen out of the packet. No good leaving it there. I'll just pop it in my mouth. Well, it's very small.........
3 people like this
3 Sep 08
well who's fridge doesn't need hoovering every now and then!? not sure it;s the most effective calorie burning exercise i could think of, but hey, whateverworks for you!! lol i like the way you think, i shall never again feel guilty about eating chocolate as long as it is only a small one, you can eat as many as you like then!! haha xxx
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
It says "Fun Size". I'm having fun!!!
3 people like this
@property (453)
• United States
3 Sep 08
Dear P1kef1sh, Thank you for your recent patronage. i have heard as of late that there are a band of gremlins terrorizing many of our patrons. Seems they have laid gremlin eggs in our warehouse, and are hatching all over. Terribly sorry for the inconvenience. Should other household items start to go missing do not be alarmed. Most non-edible things will be returned. Unfortunately your pantry may appear full at first glance but you will most likely find empty cartons upon further inspection. Again, horribly sorry for the inconvenience. Enclosed you will find coupons for replacement items. Hope to see you soon. Sincerely, property General Manager Mylot Markets
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Dear General Manager Thank you for your recent letter advising of Gremlins in your warehouse. I do trust that you have carefully inspected your stock of shortbread biscuits as these are a particular treat. For an obscenely large amount of money I am quite prepared to come and hunt down these critter for you and smash their eggs. Alternatively I am happy to suggest that you take the eggs and use them as the basis for a new product line - Gromelettes. Thank you for the coupons for more empty packets I am Madam Yours etc
1 person likes this
@property (453)
• United States
3 Sep 08
Dear P1kef1sh, i have taken your Gromelettes suggestion under advisement. i will be contacting the supplier shortly to see if it is feasible to produce. Would you happen to know of any good Gromelette recipes? The company would be pleased to offer you an incentive for such information. The Measles Emoticon Union has under bid you on our pest control problem. If they are unsuccessful in thoroughly ridding our warehouse of undesirables we will notify you by post. Have a most pleasant day, and we as always look forward to your business. Sincerely, :p
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Madam Take 1 doz Gremlin eggs and break into a bowl. Beat until they whimper for mercy and then beat some more. Add salt and let them really squeal. Pour into a frying pan and cook on a high, reducing to medium heat for 5/6 minutes. Add tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper and flip one side over. Bind tight with Parma ham and serve to your favourite sub. Ledicious.
2 people like this
@guybrush (4662)
• Australia
3 Sep 08
Hmm ... open Tuesday afternoon ... disappeared by 11.45am Wednesday. Two words. Crap effort.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
I feel that may be what I do next Guy!! Hope we bought some new loo roll!!
3 people like this
@guybrush (4662)
• Australia
3 Sep 08
Don't tell me we're going to have to shout, 'Push, push, PUSH!' again, are we? Maybe you could follow up the inadvertent noshing of Scottish bakery treats with a chaser of prune juice.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Better "Push" than "Pull" Guy!!! LOL.
2 people like this
@nannacroc (4049)
3 Sep 08
This has happened here but it's usually Cadburys chocolate fingers that disappear. If you happen to have furniture or clothing made from natural fibres e.g. leather furniture or pure wool clothing then they are the culprits. After trying the complaint you make I was told that leather settees particularly like to eat chocolate fingers and that is why they disappear even if no-one is there to eat them.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
We don't have leather sofas but we do have wooden kitchen cabinets. Do you think that they might have had them?
2 people like this
@nannacroc (4049)
3 Sep 08
Definately, kitchen cabinets especially like real scottish shortbread.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
That's it then. Thieving cherry wood. Thank you Nanna.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Sep 08
You ate the whole packet, and didn't leave even one for me? Not nice, little man, not nice, at all! Oh, wait, you said they were from Germany? Still shortbread is shortbread. Shame, shame, shame!
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
No, they were Scottish alright. I just said German to throw someone off the scent. I'll send you a packet. assuming that is, that it was me that ate them in the first place. LOL. Just don't be harsh with me please. They are scrummy.
3 people like this
• United States
3 Sep 08
How harsh do you think I shouldn't be?*LOL*
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
I don't hear the chuckle. That's good. LOL.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (60419)
• United States
3 Sep 08
LOL only 16 biscuits? I can assure you that I'd've had those down before midnight!
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Is this an admission of guilt Elic? Did you nip over and pinch the biscuits. Now come clean. There's just you, me and this nice Judge here!!!
3 people like this
@ElicBxn (60419)
• United States
3 Sep 08
Not I, oh fishy one. I don't have a current passport, I don't have the money for a plane ticket or a car to even get to the airport right now - and I doubt I'd feel up to a quick international flight so soon after surgery!
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
I'll let you off for now. Some people seem to think that it was ME! Did you ever hear such a thing in your life!
3 people like this
@dorypanda (1584)
3 Sep 08
Dear Mr.Fish, We make over one million batches of these shortbread fingers each year, some are 'joke' ones, the sort that once you open them, they disintigrate. You see, they contain a secret ingredient which reacts with the air, once the ingredient and air mix, voila! No more shortbread. Congratulations on finding one of our 'special' packets. For your reward, we will send you one hundred packs of virtual* shortbread. I hope you are happy with this explanation. Yours Sincerely, S.Omeone *please note that as it is 'virtual' it will be sent via your computer wires or fibre optic cable.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Dear S. Omeone I have now experienced your virtual shortbread biscuits. They disappear without ever being there! I am graeful for your generous delivery of more biscuits. I thought that I should just confirm that they haven't arrived and don't taste delicious! Although the thought is. Your etc
2 people like this
@dorypanda (1584)
6 Sep 08
Oh dear, that thought never occured to myself or the leprechauns that work for me, thank you for 'ratting him out', for that you will recieve the same virtual Shortbread as the naughty Mr.Fish. :) As for you Mr.Fish, well, that's rather naughty, consider yourself told off! I shall be writing to my head of department and telling them to strike your name off ALL biscuit deliveries.
@p1kef1sh (45647)
6 Sep 08
That's the typical treatment that I would expect from a virtual biscuit company. I'm off to my virtual weight loss class now for some virtual weight training. LOL.
@littleowl (7157)
3 Sep 08
Hi p1ke so you have a funny tummy and have had the odd biscuit here and there with you tea or coffee,mmm, now you say the packet of shortbread biscuits is empty and has been in your eyesight all the time..well my diagnosise is that you have subcontually eaten your shortbread biscuits yourself and that is probably ehy you have a funny tummy...my prescription for you is that you cannot really do anything about it so will have to let it pass..littleowl
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
4 Sep 08
Ello Hercule Littleowl. Eez verry unlikely that i could 'ave eaten theym. Bu I am not too sure. Ze funnt tummy ees gorn now. Sank you.
@littleowl (7157)
5 Sep 08
ercule? me? not!! hist swa your punshimnt fr eatng thme lal-shame your tummy is better ..littleowl x
@Rosekitty (19485)
• San Marcos, Texas
4 Sep 08
I'm sorry while you got up i snuck some..so you aren't really at complete fault...I wanted to come and say Hi but saw those and got distracted..I left right after so you wouldn't know..it took me awhile to come back here and post, but now i'm confessing..Thanks they were very good..tell me when you get more and I'll be Back! Huggs and Love
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
4 Sep 08
But I know that it cannot be you Rosie. Kenzie confessed too. You cannot both be the shortbread pinchers. Unless you are a gang!!! There's a shortbread nicking gang on the loose. Lock up your biscuits!!
@lala501 (1533)
• United States
3 Sep 08
are you sure you didn't eat them?
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
4 Sep 08
NO. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!
3 Sep 08
Hi plkelsh, It must have been the plkelets that was maaking you have cravings and you didn't notice because you were having all those cups of coffee, still you don't have to tell them it was those plkelets that done. Your friend. Tamara
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
Good point Tamara. Of course that's what it was. Good job that they're all born now!
2 people like this
• India
3 Sep 08
I so not understand how that stuff disappeared. Is it consumable in the air also. I think these eatable things have some guarantee too. Please check again and then come.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
LOL. I think that it must be. I know that they've all gone now.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163813)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Sep 08
hi Pikefish oh my well that is a dilemmna maybe there were gremlins in the house that just had to have a shortbread or two or three. Gremlins with a fishy tinge about them who 'sipped tea or coffee and nibbled on your biscuits. lol. Wonder if you would get an answer and a reward too?
@p1kef1sh (45647)
3 Sep 08
One can live in hope Hatley. Just think a free biscuit or two. Wonderful. I shall keep an eye out for the gremlins don't you worry!
1 person likes this