Hi here's some of my story... please share yours

September 4, 2008 7:19am CST
I've been pretty low for quite a while now and I thought I'd explain a bit about myself and and hopefully some of you will share also.. I and two brothers were born to alchoholic parents, and I was abused by my grandfather on my mothers side from 7 til I was 12, at the same time violence in our house was pretty ruthless. one day when I was 14 I retaliated and broke my dads collerbone after having my nose broke for leaving a light on. I put myself in care the next day. Over this time I'd started doing various drugs with my middle brother. I had a year in my foster home(I'll never forget my foster parents they were wonderful) and then my f£$"%* replacement dumb *ss social worker put me back with my parents, within a few hours I was homeless, I was 16. I remained homeless for the next 2 years and got in to heroin and had a full blown habit. the next few years were a classic addicts life. My parents had split up and moved away( I found out from a friend) . I was going to score one day and I was around 19-20(its difficult to remmember) and my little brother rushes round the corner(I'd not seen him for 3 years) stops me and explains that dad has come to help me. I meet with my father and he basically say's come with me to Essex and we'll get you clean. I say yep lets go. I detoxed over six weeks on my own with no help from professionals, and then 2 weeks after that, my dad died in my arms from a massive coronary.To try and descibe the devastation I felt is pointless(my father had apologized for being a drunk and a bad father and had stopped drinking some time ago). I then became the legal gaurdian of my little brother and over this time I was diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety disorder. I struggled raising him over 3 years and then fell back into heroin(my little brother was taken away from me). I carried on using until I was 27 and got into a rehab. after nearly two years of rehab,I started my life again.about two years ago my brother died from a combination of his heroin addiction, blood posioning and weak immune system. My whole world turned to grey. He was my parent and I his. I loved him so much it broke my heart.my girlfriend at the time left me because she wasn't able or unwilling to deal with my grief(kind of a double body blow) I remember times like once me and my brother were thrown out at 2 in the morning on christmas day and we sung john lennon's 'so this is Christmas' laughing at ourselves. God how I miss him. to sum up how I feel is quite difficult. It's been the second anniversy of his death, and I'm so tired emotionally physically and spiritually. I've been trying so hard to be a better person but nothing seems to be going my way. I'm tired,fed up, lonely, a little bitter and really short on optimism. My little brother is hooked on heroin and I'm doing my best to get him into a rehab,all the while dreading that call to tell me he's dead. sometimes I get the feeling that me and my family desereved this( I accept the descions I made which was to take heroin) or nothing good can ever come from us.I'm just a 33 year old man who never quite grew up and is continually haunted by my past. Sometimes I'm with Jay from Jay and Silent Bob "goddammit I think the world's f#*#*# out to get us man"I know that was long.. if you feel you want to share please post but please do not disclose anything that will make you feel uncomfortable or allow you to be easily identified.take care Jimbo
4 people like this
3 responses
@myklj999 (19858)
30 Oct 08
jimbomuso-quite the little read there, but it helps me understand you a little better. I'm gonna leave ya a few links here; I posted my story about 5 months back, and it's too long to repost as a response. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1563927.aspx http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1563926.aspx We haven't talked a lot here in myLot, but the exchanges we have had make me think that we're not much different from each other. Hang in there friend, and remember you've got people here that will listen any time you need us.
30 Oct 08
hi Mykl! thank you for the support and the links. I wanted to post a good reply, but I've got shut everything down(I've stayed quite late rebuilding 5 PC's and the guy who runs the building is clockwatching). Again thanks, it's good to know there are like minded people out there.
31 Oct 08
I just read both, holey moley! I can relate to that 'go-to-guy' element, you become part of a scene then become the 'scene' then some kind of internal mechanism just 'gives'. thank you again.
@myklj999 (19858)
26 Nov 08
Unfortunately, we can only do so much for those we love; it hurts like hell to watch them slowly destroy themselves, but all we can do is try to talk sense to them and hope they learn before it is too late.
@zed_k4 (17627)
• Singapore
15 May 09
Your story totally moved me. Right up to a point when I thought that there could be no more sufferings, there are others that are still suffering emotionally or physically or worst, both. I didn't know this story right up until I read it. No wonder before I went silent for a few months here, I didn't see you active much. I know you miss your late brother so much, and it's hard to move on. But I'm sure he would want you to live your life to the fullest, and just hold on to that legacy and stay happy and positive and make baby steps to improve your life. If giant steps are hard, just take little steps one day at a time. Your ex girlfriend left you and you could see that she wasn't good enough for you to go through thick and thin. It's better that you are off without her. Love yourself and release those emotions. Slowly but surely and with time, I'm sure you will be better, bro. And if you are stressed up, you can always rant and rave here. We are all here to be your listening 'eyes', since it's not possible for ears.
20 May 09
Thank You Zed! thank you for your kind and inspiring words - I'm pretty good at the moment although things with my family are still the same. I'm not gonna give up coz like someone told me a while ago - 'I'm one of the good guys!' thanks for the offer of support - you know me I rarely stop rantin LOL take care Zed and speak 2 u soon.
@zed_k4 (17627)
• Singapore
20 May 09
It's my pleasure. You certainly are a good guy and I believe many others think like that too. Take baby steps, I'm sure you can make the leap. I'm also doing that too; taking baby steps and making sure my life will be smooth-sailing and if there are rough edges, I'll iron them out slowly, but surely.. Talk to you soon too...
• India
8 Jan 09
HI jimbo, you have a great story. i have also one. In my past i had a girlfriend and i love her a lot.i want to marrie with her.but she refused only because we are not belong to same religion. this is something which change my life and my behavior totaly. that's it. ok bye
8 Jan 09
thanks for sharing rocky! hope you've been able to 'move forward'
1 person likes this