Guess What I found Out?

@slickcut (8141)
United States
September 5, 2008 1:33pm CST
I found out that my husband has been going to the web-sites looking for women....I used my husbands computer this am because mine was acting up,so before i logged him out & myself in,i noticed some suspisious looking e-mail & decided to check it out..He is on 3 web-sites looking foe women..One is eharmoney & one is LOVE.com....He has put in that he is divorced & his profile was there & he has been sending e-mails to these women & sending them "winks" how do you think I should handle this? I have printed everything out ......
17 people like this
82 responses
• Philippines
5 Sep 08
hmmm...do you feel that you already have the guts to confont him? the danger here is if you confront him about your discovery, he'll just come up with an alibi. and you'd end up arguing than talking. then he'd continue lying patching one lie with the other. probably, you can find a way for him to know that you know his activities. make him realize that you found out something over the net. then leave it up to him to confide to you. there is a bigger chance for him to confess his little secrets if you dont force him into talking about it. then when he opens up, be honest as well that you've kept printed materials of his emails. and make him realize that you don't mean to pry but you must do what you have to especially you are the wife--the least person he must lie to. i hope this helps. =)
5 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
He does lie,he has always lied to me..That is why i made copies .I have not confronted him with it yet..I really do not know what to do.Actually he has lied to me so much in the past that i am not shocked...But i do not understand it ..
4 people like this
• Canada
6 Sep 08
I would make up a profile....find a beautiful picture of a girl and post it as you, let it go on for awhile then arrange to meet with him, and when he gets there say "busted" then pack his bags and tell him to get the heck out...what do you need that for? Really, you are probably 10 times more deserving than the crap he is feeding you. I wish you luck, these things are so hard to deal with. My second option would be when he is away at work take a day off, or arrange to be home while he is at work and pack enough of either your stuff or his to show you are serious, in boxes labeled, taped etc. When he walks in hand him a letter that you have written telling him what you found and how much it has hurt you etc. Walk out to go for coffee, or if you have kids, take the kids to a friends place or whatever, then come home an hour later to talk to him and see where you stand. God Bless you woman...
5 people like this
• Canada
6 Sep 08
Oh and because trust is obviously broken, I would also be telling him from now on, full access to his email to his everything! You could also go in there and delete his profiles on these sites, or make changes to them saying that instead of whatever description he has given write " I know some of you have been decieved...but actually I am a married lying dirtbag, that is not only lying to you, but to his wife." lol Password protected? no worries, just use the "forgot password" button to have it emailed to his email addy, which you already have access to!
4 people like this
@goldeneagle (6775)
• United States
5 Sep 08
Take it all with you when you go to your lawyer...I wouldn't even confront him, just surprise him with the divorce papers. You can take half of everything and get alimony and child support too...if he is looking to get fu*ked, you can shaft him pretty good LOL
4 people like this
• United States
5 Sep 08
P.S. he is an idiot too...you ain't a bad looking lady at all...
4 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
He does not have anything.I own my own home,and he moved in with me when i married him...We do not have any children together....I have children but they are own their own now,its just me him & the dog....I don't know if they have alimony in Texas or not...All i get from him is his check....
3 people like this
• United States
5 Sep 08
well it sounds to me like he has already written you out of his life...so kick him to the curb and move on...find someone who will love you...
4 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Sep 08
What do you want to do? Stay with him or leave?
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Sep 08
Hey, wrong discussion. I'm asking the person who posted this!
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
He'll have to do the leaving,i had everything when we married..All he has is his cloths & car,plus a few tools....He was living with kin folks when i met him...
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Sep 08
But my question was whether you intend to end the marriage? Because if the answer is yes, my response is different than if the answer is no.
2 people like this
@Stinto75 (79)
• Sweden
5 Sep 08
Oh dear God I'm really sorry to hear that..He lies although you have the evidence in your hand??Leave him...you are worthy to have a husband who you can trust of
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
If anyone leaves it will be him..Everything we have is mine,house auto all mine when i met him...
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Sep 08
In my country, everything becomes "community property" once you get married. So cover your butt. If you wanted everything that was 'yours' not to become half his after divorce, then you would likely have to get him to sign a pre-nuptial agreement before the marriage. Unfortunately, at this point, you have no proof that he has cheated, which would give you the lion's share of the property upon divorce. So, if you are thinking about booting him out, then maybe check with a lawyer in your area first to see how things would be split. Maybe you can get him to sign something now, to give you reason to trust him again. Hmmmmm. Now there is a strategy, eh?
• Sweden
3 Oct 08
I wonder how is it now?Have you come up with a solution yet how to do with your husband?I hope you can solve this in a good way and that you can keep most of your stuffs..
• United States
5 Sep 08
Wow, that is bad. I would be confronting him ASAP. I just don't even know what to say. If it were me I would be ready to kick his uhum. But the best way would probably to confront him calmly. I would suggest if you all are going to try to work it out to get counseling. The trust will be hard to build back up without help, I would think.
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
He has lied to me so much in the past that i am not surprised....I would probably make him just leave but i am not sure just what to do at this point...If i did confront him which i will sooner or later,i just wonder what good it would do...He is unhappy or he would not be doing this,i would think....If he is not happy he does not have to be here....
2 people like this
@KATRINKA (1659)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Whatever you do, do not blame yourself for his actions. He made the choice to join those dating sites. If he had love and respect for you, he would have told you he was unhappy and would have given you both the option to work on your marriage. By not making that option available, he is being self centered and disrespectful of you.
• India
5 Sep 08
My suggestion is, tell your husband a cooked-up story. Tell him that one of your friends have fallen in a great trouble regarding to her husband! Her husband is looking for girlfriends via internet. She could know this accidentally one day when her husband left the pc open and went out for office. After that, your friend has become frustrated. Now seek suggestion from your husband WHAT SHE(your imaginary friend) SHOULD DO! I believe this would hammer out a solution!
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
Oh i know what he would say.I have a friend that has a b/f that is a truck driver and becuse he is not in town much ,my husband thinks he is just using her,so i know what he would say about that...
1 person likes this
@Grandmaof2 (7603)
• Canada
5 Sep 08
I can not believe you're calm enough to write this knowing what you do. Keep it wrote on paper if you're cslling it quits, that's a piece of real good advice. I'd say you and hubby need to talk and I'd say A.S.A.P. Sorry to hear this I really am sorry.
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
well i am a very calm person ..I did comfront him first & ask him about it & he lied,so i pulled out all the trash & showed it to him,guess what he said....Quote "Oh i was just playing around" Ha ,just another lie! He filled out all these forms online with all his information & all he liked & long detailed things & sent "winks at women ,however he was just playing,....Men Make me SICK!
1 person likes this
@jstmarfz (1499)
• United States
5 Sep 08
Hi, i know how you feel right now. Printing out of those emails is a good move you did coz you have something to show him if every he denied it. You need to confront or talk to him sooner before it gets worst. Let him know what you felt after you found out the dating sites he have been on and telling that he is divorced which is his not, without nagging him. Ask his reasons why he joined and introduced himself as a divorced him. Don't blame him 100% coz maybe there are something with you he found out wrong. Give him a warning and another chance. If he still keep doing it, then maybe its up to yourself you what action you will do about it.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
The only reason i did print it out is because i know how he is he would have said it was not true..This way he cannot deny it....
1 person likes this
@jstmarfz (1499)
• United States
5 Sep 08
Yeah, that's right! before saying a word, show every printed out papers to him. For sure he will be shock by that! hehe
2 people like this
@mentalward (14697)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I WOULD blame him 100%!!! If he was so unhappy in his marriage, he should have talked to his wife about it. You should NEVER start looking for new relationships if you are currently IN a relationship! I don't care if the wife is horrible in every way, that does not justify this man's actions! And this woman does not sound like a horrible wife or even a bad wife so he has no reason on Earth to be a member of ANY dating sites, let alone lying about his marital status! Sorry, jstmarfz. I HAD to butt in here. I feel very strongly about this issue. As she mentioned in other responses, this man is and has been a liar. He lied to her before they were even married! This kind of man never changes. Once a liar, always a liar. Once a cheat, always a cheat. This man doesn't deserve another chance. All he'd do is hurt her even more.
2 people like this
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
5 Sep 08
[i]Hi slickcut, wow...That is very shocking! Hmmm...If ever I am in the situation, I will talk to him and confront why he is doing this! I don't like to pretend and continue to spy him! I need an explanation from him and what he wants in our relationship![/i]
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
I actually was not snooping ..I ask him if i could use his computer because mine was acting up..Before i logged him out all this stuff popped up from these web sites.The ONLY reason I printed it out is because i know he would say it was all a lie,so i want proof before i talk with him.I am not good at nagging or fussing really,i am just wondering Why he feels he needs to do this...
2 people like this
@ClassyCat (1214)
• United States
5 Sep 08
So sorry to hear of your situation. It must really bring a lot of confusion and questions to you. Seeing that he has lied in the past, how could you even believe anything he says, because he is obviously looking out for himself. Maybe asking him what it is he feels is lacking in your relationship, would help - but these days, most folks don't stay in a "committed" relationship, fo rvery long. I think that early on in one's life - when 'bed-hopping' gets started, it becomes a bad habit, and one many are unwilling to stop or even deal with. It causes one to be constantly comparing and wondering where the next BETTER episode will be.
• United States
8 Sep 08
[i]Hi slickcut, I don't think you deserve that, I admire your attitude about not nagging, I am a nagger when I am mad and sad because if I will not talk, I will be crying! ANyway, I don't think he deserves your trust and if he wants to meet another girl, set him free, it will not be your lost I know![/i]
@mentalward (14697)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I feel so bad for you! I went through the same thing with my ex. Yes, I said my EX. He was just like yours. I found out that he had been writing to some of these women and actually MEETING them! Here's what I did. I put a 'spy program' on his computer. It allowed me to record everything he was doing on that computer. He didn't know it was on there because, well, it IS a spy program so it's invisible. You can only get into it if you know the password. I also set up a spy camera pointed right at his chair. I recorded him doing some, well, some not so nice things with other women online. Once I had enough 'evidence', I called him at work and told him that "Debby" had called. Then I hung up. "Debby" was one of the women he was planning on meeting. In less than 10 minutes, he FLEW through the door looking very pale and very, very guilty! It wasn't true about Debby calling, but I wanted to see what his reaction would be to that news. Once he was there, I literally threw copies of his emails and conversations on IM at him. He picked them up and looked at them. At that point, I told him I had video tapes of his online antics. The very first words out of his mouth were, "Please don't tell my family!" I had him right where I wanted him. I said, "Get out!" He did. He was gone by that evening. Oh, and his family DID find out... just in case he got weird and decided to do something really evil. Maybe I've seen too many of those cold case files on TV, but I know what some people are capable of, especially those like my ex and your husband! PLEASE be careful when confronting him! You don't know what he may try to do. He may think he has it made, since you gave him the roof over his head. Thinking he is going to lose that because of his stupidity, he may resort to the unthinkable. I'm not saying he would, I just want you to be safe! Make sure you have enough 'evidence' spread around so that, if he does try something criminal, it'll lead right to him. Give copies of his emails and those dating site profiles to your family. Give copies to HIS family. Tell him you have some ready to be given to the police should he try something criminal. Do this BEFORE you confront him and make sure he knows that everyone else has copies once you do confront him. It might not be a bad idea to have some of your family right there with you when you do this. He'd be less inclined to argue with you because he'd be even more embarrassed and chances are he'd leave right away. You'll want emotional support at that time as well. This man is no good. I don't care how long you've been married, he needs to be outta there! He has no respect for you. He doesn't deserve the honor of being with you one more minute! Please be careful!!! He may get desperate once confronted. Make sure you have your back protected and as many witnesses as possible! Afterward, come back here to your myLot family if you need support. You've been here awhile so you know that we're always here for you. We'll stand by you and help you any way we can to get through this.
@mentalward (14697)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I mentioned in other replies that you could get a separation agreement with a stipulation that he pay you enough to keep you afloat. Then that could be part of the divorce agreement. Don't give this man anything! He came to you with nothing, so he could handle it again. He doesn't deserve anything. His check is there, but remember that because HE is there, you buy more food, pay higher electric bills, higher water bills, etc. etc. With him gone, your bills won't cost you nearly as much. Talk with your children. They obviously love you very much and will do anything to help you get by. You deserve much, much better than this man! You are a very attractive woman and, from what I've read here, you're also a very kind and generous woman. You're intelligent; that's apparent from how you write. If this man stays, you'll never have a chance for happiness but, if he leaves, that leaves the door wide open for REAL love to enter your life. Try not to let your "nicer" side give him too much, though. Let him take his tools and his clothes, but nothing else. That's more than he came with, right? He's had a pretty easy life with you, 5 years worth. It's time for HIM to move on as well. Don't worry about him. He's certainly not worrying about you! I had two children that I had to raise on my own with my meager paycheck. It was very, very hard sometimes. But I was happy! Life without that man will make you feel like a new woman, believe me! My heart goes out to you. I have the feeling that you'll do the right thing. The mere fact that you wrote to your extended family here at myLot says that you're ready to do something about that man. Don't keep him around just for the financial security alone. Your family will see to it that you have all you need! Also, we're always here for emotional support. Don't ever forget that! We're family here!
@dasineni (39)
• India
6 Sep 08
first of all let me know how is he look after u? means the way that he was behaving with u? how is he helping u in life? simply how is the interaction between both of u right now?? so that i can help u to handle the issue
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
He helps me with his check,that i helped or actually i did all the work for him to get..Other than that he is of no help to me whatsoever....
• India
9 Sep 08
what ever the situation my be upto now, u just move in close with him as u in the early states and always know his intrests and try to do those. as u said, when u ask him he told u that he is playing, then u simply request him to join u also in that game (this will be done by u only when u observe any new thing in addition to previous one,because as u already question him, he may stop that permanently/temporarely) so first u believe him and try to move closely with out any bad feelings on him, then every thing will be fine!!
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
6 Sep 08
i am sorry you found that out but it's better to know as early as possible that he is doing these things & more thaa likely he is not going to stop & is probably doing the same thing in person. once a cheater & a liar always one in my opinion but i don't trust men anyway. have had some bad experiences myself w/them . i think once u lose trust in teh u never get it back. i would be asking him to find him a new place to live.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I spoke with his sister this am...She told me he was a pathlogical liar.,always was & always will be...She also said that i was the best thing that ever happened to him & he has mental problems....
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
6 Sep 08
i hope u get everything worked out to your advantage soon. noone has to put up w/crap like that. good luck.
• United States
6 Sep 08
IMO you should confront him face to face. Ask for an explanation then discussion the reason why and try and resolve the problem. Obviously there must be a problem if his relationship with you is not enough and he has to search out other women!
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I did ask him & showed him the proof...His explanation was "I was just playing"...
• United States
6 Sep 08
Yeah Right! Not very original!
• United States
5 Sep 08
Darlin', the boy is a player and he's playing you. Why would you even worry about how to confront him when you've learned all these lies about him? What in the world has he got that you would want to save when he's treating you like dirt? He lies to you, he apparently cheats on you or is planning on it, I haven't heard a single positive thing about him other than that he gives you his paycheck. It's your house? I'd serve him with an eviction notice and divorce papers - with your printouts attached.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Sep 08
I really do not know ,i think i am STUPID...My kids have begged me to leave him or make him leave...I think i am scared somewhat because i just get a SSI check,my house is paid for & also my automobile,so i supposs i am afraid i cannot make it...He does nothing anyway but sit in a chair all day ,watch TV & smoke..He has no idea's ,no thoughts,he has nothing to offer me except just a body sitting around...I never thought he would stoop to this level though,but now thats even disappointed me...I did confront him earlier & you would never guess what he said,he said he was just playing around,ha, i know thats just another Lie....
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14697)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I posted a response somewhere around #65, but I wanted to add something here. I've read that this man had nothing when you met him, literally nothing. You gave him everything, a home, transportation, your love and trust. What has he given you? A monthly check? If that's all it is, you need to see a lawyer and have separation papers drawn up. In those papers, he should be forced to pay you enough to keep your head afloat. At the divorce hearing, the judge can force him to pay alimony. Judges tend to frown on men like this... frown very deeply! They always side with the woman in a case like this one. When I was married to the guy I mentioned in my reply, I started seeing a therapist because I tried everything I could think of to 'fix' the marriage. The counselor asked me, "What are YOU getting out of this relationship?" He also told me that, if my husband was just "looking" now, it was just a matter of time before it was more than just looking. This man is a user, plain and simple. He's showing you no respect at all. He cares about no one but himself. Throw the bum out and take half of his check through legal means. Who cares if he ends up on the street? There's a reason his family won't take him back in! My heart goes out to you, slickcut. Been there, done that. Be strong and be smart... you deserve much better. Oh, one more thing... CHANGE YOUR WILL!!! I read that you willed him everthing. Change that immediately! Even if you let him stay, make sure your children get everything and this man gets exactly what he came with... nothing.
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
6 Sep 08
I know how distressing this must be for you slick. I hope you're ok. As I've been reading through your responses, I can't help wondering what you want out of this situation. At first you didn't know what to do, then you confronted him and he gave you his response but still, I don't know what you want to happen out of this. Another thing I was thinking about his answer when you confronted him. He said he was playing. I've done this. I joined Match.com when I was still with my partner. I had no intention of getting involved with anyone, but I was curious and interested. I don't know what I would have done if I had gotten close to someone. I wasn't serious about it...I was playing. I kept it from my partner too. I was rather lonely and he was more interested in sports on TV and his whiskey. I think your guy is never going to be able to settle down with anyone and be honest about things. He's always lied and he probably always will...does he have a reason to lie? Is he afraid of you? Of course not. In my country, the house will belong to both of you if you are married. I hope things work out for you.
2 people like this
@guybrush (4661)
• Australia
6 Sep 08
Slickcut, this is so sad and I truly feel for you. I can imagine how horrible it must have been to have discovered the things you found. I'm so glad your house belongs to you - and seeing as your husband has called himself 'divorced', maybe you could ask him whether this is what he'd like, because you're willing to make his wish come true! He says he's just playing - but ask him how he'd feel if you were doing the same thing? Would he be happy about you playing? You have the power here - so be empowered, and do what YOU want to do. If you want him gone, tell him to leave. If you are willing to let him stay, you will have to weigh up whether you can stand being lied to again. It's a very unpleasant predicament - but now you must think about your future, and your wellbeing. Good luck!
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
its funny that you mentioned how he would feel if i done this.....When i first started getting on the computer,he would just watch me like a hawk.He also ask me one day if i was talking to men...haha which now that i look back he was doing this himself,and that is why he was asking me....I was on mylot but the fact that he had that on his mind,meant that he had been doing that..You know what they say''"People always accuse you of the things they are doing"
@rainmark (4306)
6 Sep 08
You must confront him as early as you can about this issue, don't let the things make worst.Maybe he just playing around but if he tempt to do something wrong your marriage is at risk.Ask him why he is doing that,considering that he is married to you and ask him if you weren't enough to do flirting on him.cheers!
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I did ask him about it..his answer was "i was just playing"
@jelamar (44)
• Philippines
6 Sep 08
If you would ask me, i would collect all the evidences, prepare your self to all the things that might happen, its up to you if you want to end your marriage or what... and after that give all the evidences to him, make him realize what he have done and ask him what have you done why is he cheating on you...
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I did ask him and no he does not want a divorce,however he told these women he already was divorced...He was looking for a native American woman....His explanation was "I was just playing"
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
6 Sep 08
Wow that is really bad. I think you should confront him about this and maybe he should explain it to you well why he is doing this. I am a man but I feel bad that he is doing this to you. I smell something fishy about this but you must be calm about it when confronting him about this. I am pretty sure he has some kind of explanation for this one hopefully a pretty convincing one to ease you out of your tension and worry.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I did confront him and he lied..Then i showed him the print outs and his explanation was " I was just playing"
• Philippines
6 Sep 08
That is so horrible... (in my own opinion)... I think you should confront your husband as soon as possible. If he's not happy with your realtionship, fooling around is definitely not the solution. If he wanted to have another woman then better talk to you first. He has no right to do that to you, for whatever reasons. If he used to lie at you then he's not worth to be trusted then.