Am I really not black enough for my sister??

United States
September 8, 2008 1:04pm CST
I have two sisters and a brother from my dad's previous marriage. All three of them are all black. My father cheated on his wife with my mother who is white. As a result they had me. My sister and I were very close growing up. She would beat anybody up who tried to claim that we weren't related. As the years have gone by we've grown farther and farther apart. Every once in a while we'll get into arguments about our parents mostly because her mother doesn't like my mom very much. Lately it seems like my sister has a lot of hostility towards me. Because I'm mixed it's always been hard being me because people want to naturally say I'm too white. I don't like to think of myself as too white. I like to think of myself as ME. When I go to visit my sister she's always nagging about my hair and how i need to straighten it. When I make a joke or do something stupid to try to make her laugh all she can say is that it's the white in me. Lately its gotten so bad that I wish I wasn't so dark because then maybe she wouldn't make those comments. As my sister I would think that she would want to accept me for who I am and not try to change me. If I get hurt by something she says all she does is blows me off and says I'm being too white. It's starting to take its toll. I decided that I'm going to take a break from talking to her so that I can remember who I am. I guess what I want to know is how do I deal with her? She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.
8 people like this
17 responses
@urbandekay (18312)
9 Sep 08
Maybe you should point out to your sister that she is being racist. Of course, she can tell a tale about her upbringing and how that is to blame. But here's the bottom line, every single racist could tell you a tale about how something in their past is to blame! all the best urban
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Sep 08
i don't think my sister is a racist. she wasn't brought up that way. i do believe there are some underlying issues having to deal with my parents and rather than talk about with our parents she just takes it out on me. she and her mother are close and i dont' think she would want to upset her mother.
@urbandekay (18312)
10 Sep 08
Oh, and how many racists couldn't say that? all the best urban
• Canada
9 Sep 08
I very much agree with what cbreeze said ( the first person who answered you ) . This is in no way your fault and it would be nice for your sister to see you as you are , after all you are still sisters and nothing can change that but you have to decide if her treating you like this is really worth it . I have a sister that I have nothing to do with because I just wasn't good enough for her either ( different situation ) , and she was always putting me down and doing things to hurt me . I kept defending her because she was my sister and I felt that because she was my younger sister that I always had to protect her no matter the hurt she caused me because I was older . It was a hard lesson to learn but she has hurt me for the last time when she pulled her latest stunt . Just because you are sisters doesn't mean that she really cares about you and defending her won't changer her or ever get her to stop . I thought my sister and I were close but realize today what a big mistake I ever made in trusting her simply because she was my sister . I have 2 half brothers who would never treat me the way she does so it just goes to show that it doesn't matter if we are family or not . She is just not a nice person and maybe your sister is like this as well . It may do you some good to distance yourself from her . If she really cared about you then she really shouldn't try to hurt you all the time and she has to know deep inside ( weather she admits it or not ) that when she makes comments about you not being good enough because of something so silly as your color , that it does hurt you . I have realized that just because one is family does not mean one cares for you . I learned the hard way this past year and wish I had realized this many years ago and I would not have had to endure the problems I have had to endure the last year because of my sister . Take some time for yourself to see how you feel about your sister and decide if she is worth keeping in your life or not . She may come to realize she misses you and wants to maintain a relationship . Just don't ever forgot that family or not you don't deserve to be treated badly . Take Care and Best of Luck
1 person likes this
@jonesy123 (3950)
• United States
8 Sep 08
It might be peer pressure. Are the people she calls her friends all pure black? There is something called 'reverse racism'. And you just don't fit the picture. She may be angry that her father cheated on her mom with a 'white' woman and you are there to remind her of that failure. Ask her how 'black' she thinks Obama is, lol. A lot of people tend to forget that his mother was 'white' and he was raised in a 'white' household. Seems like the racial tensions are rising.
• United States
8 Sep 08
She told me she moved to a different city so she could surrounded by more black people!
@jonesy123 (3950)
• United States
8 Sep 08
I'm sorry to hear that. This is really sad. Looks like your relationship is on ice for now until she realizes that racism leads exactly... nowhere! Try to find it in your heart to forgive her and to welcome her back with open arms once she realizes that she has chosen the wrong path. I'm sure she'll burn many bridges where she is going right now. I urge you to stay open minded and not let her mean remarks get to you.
@Sarah1108 (310)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I have to say i have learned may things about you in this post. i didnt know you had 3 sisters. i knew you were your moms only child but that really about it and some other details. I will say this with a laugh that you have never had kool aid and that is the first step to being black. And sometimes i do feel blacker than you. I think your sister might just have problems with her father cheating on her mother. and maybe it just comes out about her being all black because she thinks that will hurt you because she is hurt by your father's actions. is this the same sister that is traveling all the time?
• United States
9 Sep 08
The occasional joke doesn't bother me. And when we hang out and stuff I know you say everything with love... That's not the case with my sister
• United States
9 Sep 08
I would just let her know how you feel. Let her know that the way that she is treating you, it isn't right. Besides it shouldn't matter if you are black are white or mixed. It should just matter that you are her sister. Have you ever tried talking to her about it. So, I would just talk to her instead of trying to avoid her and not talk to her.
9 Sep 08
Your sister sounds like a racist to me. If a white person said they wanted to move city to be around more white people, all hell would break loose. I dont agree with racism at all and find it disgusting that people would want to move city because they cant stand to be with a different race. Shocking.
@abd264 (21)
• India
9 Sep 08
Dear brother ones character is not determined by his or her physical appearance which ofcourse includes ones colour.Its is determined by ones behaviour ,ones attitude towards others .So i think you should make your sister to understand this .There is no need to stop talking to her instead show her how deeply you love your sister show her that you are just her sweet brother.To do this you should have patience next time when your sister talks to you like that stay calm and answer to her in a polite voice say that however dark i may be i am your brother am like you i hope you get me...............
• United States
9 Sep 08
I'm a girl...just so you know
@ms1323 (259)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I don't know why she is treating you this way, especially as you said, you two have been close in the past. And honestly, it doesn't matter why. Jealousy, insecurity, anger over her-YOUR father's afair? Those are all HER issues to deal with and she has no right to deflect them ono you. All I can say is; know who you are and be true to yourself. Make it quite clear to her that you do not need, nor appriciate her ignorant, insensitive comments and that if and/or when she decides to grow up then she should feel free to call you, until then, have a great life.
• United States
9 Sep 08
I'm guessing she's young maybe in her 20s. I don't think I'd be seeing too much of her. Hopefully, probably she will come to her senses when she grows up a little. I'm sorry she treats you so badly. I don't know why anyone thinks they are better than anyone else especially when it comes to color. One of the best things my mother taught me was that no one gets to choose what color they will be before they are born, (not that being black is bad) where they will be born or who their parents will be and all our hearts are red.
9 Sep 08
Shes being racist. Tell it hurts when she says these things. Just because your darker than someone doesn't make it ok to pick one someone for skin colour. Also if shes angry at your dad's cheating on her mum doesn't mean she should take it out on you. You did nothing wrong and its wrong of her to blame you.
@nickventere (1424)
• Zambia
9 Sep 08
That is very unfortunate. I wish you could be in your adulthood as you were in your childhood. The other factor playing here, I think, is the complex she could be going through, perhaps having been influenced by friends, relatives, or even just the media. Or there could be something that triggered her sudden animosity. Are you getting the same attitude from your other black half siblings?
9 Sep 08
If you didn't do anying wrong,just do youself, and someday you sister will understand everying. Best wishes!
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I live in a small primarily white mid-western town. I hve a mixed race great grandaughter and we all love her dearly. We tell her she is not to class herself as black or white - she is just like the rest of us human. I would let your sister stew in her own juice for a while.
• United States
9 Sep 08
Race is nothing but what you look like on the outside. You are both white and black, and there is nothing wrong with that, you have the best of both worlds. I am white, but if you look at my eyes, and you look at my mother, you will know that I am not completely white. I once met a woman who was the black version of me right down to the name, and you know what, I did not hate her at all, I wanted to know more about her and who her parents were, where did she come from? Could her father be my father? I really wanted to know. I would never hate a sister who was the darker version of me. Also, life is too short to hate others. I lost my brother two years. If I ever found more siblings out there, I would want to know about them. Never hate who you are. You are white and black, that is who you are.
@youdontsay (3503)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Sounds like your sister is having her own identity problems and doesn't know how to relate to you any more. I think you are wise in taking some time away from her negative responses to you. You really do need to remember who you are under the skin rather than who people think you are because of skin color. Just remember, Obama has a white mother and a black father and he's made it a long way in his life. I don't necessarily agree with all his ideas but I certainly applaud his ability to make it through the difficulties of being different growing up. The important thing is who you are. Believe in yourself and if your sister can't accept that right now give it some space. As you both mature skin color will matter less. Go on with your life until the two of you are able to reconnect without all the anger. Your sister probably gets a lot of grief about you and your mother from her mother. When she is more mature she will not be so influenced by her mom. Siblings, even full-blood siblings, don't always get along. When you've been on myLot for a while you will read lots of stories of brothers and sisters who cause each other pain. Be grateful for the good years you've had and hold on to the hope of reconnecting when she is in a better space.
@Sheepie (3118)
• United States
8 Sep 08
That's a sister for you. Siblings are hard to get along with a lot of the time. She has no right to belittle you, you should be proud of who you are. I'm sure you two have had some good times together as sisters, so try to concentrate on that. She'll make her remarks, and you don't have to be best friends, but stay in her life and try to be nice to her while keeping your self respect. Nobody has the right to say they are better than anybody else for such a stupid reason as their race or races.
@sunkissed (4332)
• United States
8 Sep 08
medney, Well I am sorry that you are having these problems with your sisters.They really should not be treating you this way.It seems to me that she is jealous of you. A lot of people are jealous of mixed girls, because of their beautiful skin color. I know that both of my grandchildren are mixed and are very beautiful. They have no problems like you do. my granddaughter also has a half-sister that is black, but they get along just fine.Your sister should accept you for who you are.I too think that you should not talk to your sister for awhile, if she insists on talking to you like she has been.You should be prould of who you are.
@cbreeze (1207)
• United States
8 Sep 08
I think your sister is just carrying the pain of her mother. You never know what comments were and are made when you aren't around about your mother and you. I think when an affair results in a child, sometimes women have a deep resentment for the child. Because of your existence, she can never forget the affair (or at least she won't allow herself to). As far as your sister is concerned she probably identifies with her mother because she is also female. She probably internalizes her father's affair as him having cheated on her as well. Its not very different to the public (especially women's) reaction to the John Edwards affair. The reason most women were so upset is that they identify with being cheated on and want to hold him accountable for their own personal experience. There is no such thing as being too white, not white enough or too black or not black enough. How are you received by your friends? Do they make comments like this? Whom ever you are, where ever you are, you are perfect for the person you are right now.