what am I doing wrong?

United States
September 13, 2008 7:14pm CST
I am 21 almost 22. I was married and divorced by the time I was 19. And contemplating getting married again. But I have so many fears because my last marriage failed miserably. I want to have the perfect or at least semi-perfect relationship before I make that leap again. But I have so much pressure being pushed at me. The man I have been with for almost 3 years hes great and all but you know how every relationship has their problems we certainly have a bucket full. When you have to change things about you do you know if your with the right person? I'm asking because it hasn't been so much me changing but him. We love eachother we do, but how do you know if you vow to change and those changes have already happened if when your comfortable again those same discrepancy's aren't going to show themselves through even more??? And how do you know when you get married to someone you are going to feel the same forever. I have already had one divorce and so has he and divorce is hard in a lot of ways it worst then being married which is why I can understand why there are so many divorces in the world today but yet so many people that stay because they think no one else would want them and they tough it out and live miserable for their whole lives. I don't want that to be me I made a vow to myself that the next time I get married that was the end for me. My grandma has been married 4 times and I can almost see myself following in her footsteps. And frankly I don't want that. So how do you know for sure when the time is right??? Someone please help!!!
4 people like this
31 responses
@Sheepie (3118)
• United States
14 Sep 08
I think you have a lot of feelings to sort out. You need to really think about your man and your relationship. Do you appreciate what you have? Do you look forward to spending alone time with him? Does he make you happy despite your problems? I think that if you are unhappy with the relationship, you need to get out of it and don't linger in it. You're young and you have time to start a new one. I think that you should strive to be as happy as you can. Good luck and happy Mylotting!
2 people like this
• United States
16 Sep 08
Thats very good advice....I do appreciate what I have and I know that he appreciates me as well. And he does make me happy as happy as any man has ever made me. And we are actually alone all the time that is what I look forward to everyday. I'm not unhappy with my relationship really its almost like a case of cold feet and I'm just trying to find answers before I take that next step you know.
• India
14 Sep 08
Hi! You are still young and 21 or 22 is not too old that you have to get married right now. Why don't you marry after sometime. Give yourself sometime, in the mean while do some job, see how the world is around you, know people, converse with people nearby you, this makes you better understand how people are and how you must be with them. Marriage is all about trust and faith and mutual understanding. Try to understand the areas where you can adjust and where you need not compromise. There is no specific age or time for marriage but what I feel is you can give yourself some time to think about marriage again and get yourself engaged with work which helps you to know people and their mentalities around you well. all the very best.
2 people like this
@bbjwlsn (263)
• United States
14 Sep 08
Hi Taura, how are you? I am 59 years old, and have been married to my second husband for 28 years now. Number one, there are no guarantees in love or marriage. I would be completely heartbroken and devastated if my husband told me that he wanted a divorce, but I would not be shocked. It can happen at any time. It's really too bad that you experienced a bad marriage at such a young age, but you can't let it take over your whole way of thinking. If you are having doubts, then you should not do anything rash. Take your time, don't let anybody, and I mean anybody, pressure you into doing something that you're not sure you want to do. And, don't let vows you made to yourself be written in stone. If you get married, and, God forbid, it doesn't work out, well, then you just do what you have to do for your own survival and well-being. I will say this, I believe that a couple should live together before they get married. This will help you to really see if you are compatible in every day life. A couple can get along wonderfully when they are dating and putting their best foot forward, but living with someone, it's kind of hard to keep your "manners" on 24/7. The bottom line is you are the only person who can decide if the time is right. As I said before, please, please don't let anyone push you to do something until you are ready. Best of luck to you. P.S. If you have to be married four times like your grandma, so be it.
1 person likes this
@bbjwlsn (263)
• United States
14 Sep 08
Oh, yeah, and you aren't doing anything wrong. Now is the time to stop and think about it, BEFORE you do something you might regret.
• United States
16 Sep 08
Thats very sweet thank you for your advice you seem like a cool person to talk to thank you for responding
@sudalunts (5526)
• United States
14 Sep 08
Why don't you just date, you seem to be rushing things. Divorced by 19, slow down, it is not a race. You will have plenty of time to marry and have a great life. Let yourself mature some. If you are having problems now, do not get married. Put the marriage off for a while and see how you get along. Believe me, you are still too young to make a decision that is supposed to last a life time. Wait, date your boyfriend, don't rush things.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 08
Whose to say that I am not mature enough now??? I practically raised myself from the time that I was 14....so maturity is not an issue. I know people twice my age who are not mature. And no there is no race to get married and age and being too young for something is not an issue. Age is nothing but a number it does not define the person.
@zeny_zion (1284)
• Philippines
14 Sep 08
dont be afraid to try and try until you find the right man for you. im also separated but im older than you. im not scared of trying again. if the right person comes. maybe, my advise for you is to not repeat the mistakes youve been made for the past relationship. im sure you know whatever it is.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Sep 08
Hello. Well, since you talked about God in my discussion, I find that I wont cause uncomfortability talking about Him. He says to yoke yourself with your kind. I believe that the person you are with has to be God lead. I believe that He/She must have a desire for Him as you do, that is if you are on terms of Believing in God. For God wont be able to work with you if you are with a non-believer or someone who doesnt follow God closely, because you are busy working with them, our losing your steps with God to that person. Hang on tight girl. You are young, as Im even younger. We have much time to find "the one", and prayer will guide you to him. =) If you have questions or other issues, feel free to talk to me. I am only 17, young yes I know, but I do talk to a lot of girls about relationships, and have come to a general understanding of what is the ultimate relationship, what works, what doesn't. Ill pray for you that you find HIM, and in the meantime, don worry about it. The worry causes doubts that cause the issues that cause the waves that crash down on you until you are covered by anxiety worry and doubts, that you cant see the Truth and see it clear. =)
1 person likes this
@rizzu87 (860)
• Malaysia
14 Sep 08
yeh taura18! I think that you got married too early for the first time. and your husband must not be alot older than you. I think for marriage the couple has to be a little bit more mature with their thinking and sharing their feelings. But let me tell you, you have time, you can be with the new person and know his feeling, find how much he loves you. Actually when you stay with a person for few days you come to know his true feelings for you. In my opinion you should spend around a year with him. And find it out that is he the same or has he changed. Offcourse he will have some changes in his attitude and stuff. but i think you will come to know that will you be able to spend your rest of your life with him or not.
• United States
16 Sep 08
I have spent almost 3 years living with him. And he is a older then me he is 10 years older then me and there are things I have experienced that he has no clue about so like I have responded to a few other people age is not something that causes maturity it is the person and their own experiences that causes that maturity
@Shar19 (8236)
• United States
14 Sep 08
Slow down! At this rate you're going to wind up like your grandmom. I personally think dating all through your 20's is the only way to get ready for marriage. Each relationship, you learn more (long relationships not one night stands). You have a lot more growing and learning about relationships before you should even consider marrying again. Remember, you'll never get these years back. Take it easy and just date your boyfriend. There's no rush to get married again. If he's the right one then why rush into marriage, it can wait. No one knows for sure if a marriage will last forever, or even the feelings for each other. Marriage is a constant work in progress. You have to hope for the best and just love and respect each other.
• United States
16 Sep 08
The only thing that I found that people get dating through their 20s is heartache and disease. yes marriage is a work in progress but life is to
@marty3888 (2359)
• United States
14 Sep 08
I agree that you are too young and that is probably the real reason your first marriage didn't work out. If you really do love each other then then 2 or 3 years shouldn't make a differace. You're almost 22. How ddo you know if you're going to love each other when you're 44? You don't. I agree there are no guarantees in life. But I think you are setting your sites a little high as far as that perfect relationship or near perfect, depending on your definition of perfect. But people your age usually think of their partner as either perfect or "the one for me." But you said something that already raises a red flag. And again, I don't know exactly what you meant but, he's changing things about him? for you? Are you willing to change things about you for him? He might be doing that for you now because he wants to but 5 years down the line, he may ask you to do something you don't want to do or like doing and have a problem, here comes the "I changed this asbout me for you and I did this for you." No one should have to change who they are to make their husband or wife. As far as the next marriage being the last one, that's a nice thought but think about this: Don't you think that everybody, or almost everybody who makes it to the alter thinks this is going to be the last one? You've been together for 3 years. Wait for another 2 years and see how you're doing then.
• Canada
14 Sep 08
If i were you personal i would wait i would admit i did have some people that i wanted to marry. then they moved in. so i started thinking about how i would be able to live with them. i think u should wait a bit longer maybe wheb u 25ish ti get married so u have more time to experince new things in life and new relationships to see wat can be fixed. also i reccomend that u travl around the world before marrige to see al great sites. i was i was able to go around the world before i got married it could of opened up so many new paths for my future.. Before marrige get a firend to try and suduece him or her to find out if he or she is commited to you :)
• United States
16 Sep 08
Waiting to get married is a good thing but only for some people. Have you had that feeling ever that you will never truly find the perfect person and just settle?? Too many people do this and that is the worst mistake to make. I have been in a few relationships that were just terrible me and my fiance have lived together almost 3 years now everyone already sees us as a married couple and its I think time to make it official he is half the person I am and I am half the person he is together we make that whole. And you don't I think truly know if you want to marry someone unless you live with them. And traveling the world is great but don't you think its better when its with the person you love?
@palonghorn (5485)
• United States
14 Sep 08
First off, your only 21, already married and divorced, and obviously went from divorce to relationship fairly quickly. Why are you in such a hurry to be married? It sounds like you need to give yourself 'me' time, to sort out your life and what you want, away from anybody or anything's influence. I have been through 3 divorces, so I do know what it's like. The last one was from a 16 year marriage. I got my own place, a job (had been a stay at home mom) and gave me some 'me' time. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. And a year later, when I met someone, I knew I was ready to start a new relationship. We've been living together for 3 1/2 years and neither one of us are ready to rush down that 'aisle' anytime too soon. Don't rush it, and don't get married if you are having all these questions, and if you find yourself asking a question and following it with 'but,', but he's wonderful, but he said..., but we love each other. Life is too short to be unhappy.
• United States
16 Sep 08
That is very good advice thank you
• India
14 Sep 08
hummmmm very tough question though i have not such a kind of experience but i have some suggetion for you. you are feel some panic because you had already had divorced so you want it should not be happened again in your life ,, see next time when you meet any guy then mark some things like what he wants from you? also mark the way of his communication ? if he really loves you then he dosent think about your past and he never ask about your past and the rest of the things you knoe very well and then gudge that this is really ri8 person to be my life partner?
14 Sep 08
Hello Taura, it does sound like you have a lot of doubts and the best advice I can give is to wait before you take that leap. Give yourself at least a year as you are young and there is no reason to rush. It does appear that you got into your current relationship pretty soon after your divorce and so you need to let yourself settle into this one before you get married. It's unfortunate that you experienced a divorce at such a young age, but you can't let it take over your current relationship. If you are having doubts because of the way thins are with your partner, then you should work on it with him. Take your time, don't let anybody pressure you into something that you want to last. I must point out that relationships are never set in stone, they are subject to change. You and your partner will evolve and you can never now for sure how someone will feel forever. The best thing you can do is work on being in a relationship which has trust, love and repect, if it has strong foundations then a marriage will work. I do believe that a couple should live together before they get married. People are very different when you see them a few times a week to when you are with them 24 hours a day. This can be a way of seeing how compatible you are and whether you can see yourself living together for the rest of your lives. Lastly only you know when the time is right, and I don't think from what you say it is now. Good luck with what you decide!
• United States
15 Sep 08
Thank you that is very good advice. Me and my fiance have actually lived together the whole time so we know what makes me eachother tick we know what makes eachother happy. We have a strong understanding about a lot of things that have to do with one another. We share the same belief system and all that other good stuff. But thank you for your post that is extremely helpful.
• Philippines
14 Sep 08
you are very young to think about marriage. if your first one fails, you have to assess yourself in where you have wronged, what are the things you were weak at and the things you should have some. are you a college graduate and you can provide a good future for your future kids? do not problem the man of your dreams first, think of yourself first. as the saying goes "learning to love yourlself is the greatest love of all". we will never learn to value others if we wont first learn to value ourselves, respect our selves first before others will respect us and love our self first before they can love us in return. make yourself lovable, and soon many will pursue your heart. get a career first, do the things that you love, make up for your family, show your parents how you love them, enjoy your youth, you are still very very young. dont push yourself a lot, that will hurt you and will lead you into wrong decisions. dont be too harsh for yourself, take a breather, go somewhere else where you can contemplate and find a peace of mind and heart. think of the things you want to do first, develop yourself. when you are established emotionally and financially, men will line up before your very eyes and then you can select. dont be in a rush.
• United States
15 Sep 08
Actually you realize the true love for yourself when you are receiving love from someone else. For instance if you were a child that had no one to turn to and was not taught love would you be able to love yourself? You don't honestly start to love yourself until you receive love from someone else. And I'm not thinking about kids at all. There is a great possibility I can't even have kids, I understand what your saying don't get me wrong but the ways your looking at are kind of excuse me for saying this wrong. If you establish yourself completely the only thing that these men that line up will want to use you for everything you have and leave you high and dry. There is no rush to life that is true...but no one is given a definite time of how long they are going to live either.
@Fiskis (168)
• Canada
14 Sep 08
I think it may be that your still to young to be married, get some more life experience behind you then try it down the road. Remember there is no rush to be married.
@phoenix25 (1543)
• United States
14 Sep 08
I'll start off by saying that I am a psychology student who takes a great interest in human relationships. First of all, don't hold out for a "perfect" or "semi-perfect" relationship to get married, because there is no such thing. Some people have great relationships, but every relationship has its problems. Some of those problems might be less major than others, but they're still there. My husband and I have a great marriage and people often will comment that we have the "perfect" marriage. I tell them that I don't like that word. Nothing is perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. That's one reason that I think so many marriages end in divorce because they are looking for perfection in a relationship. They'll never find it. You asked how you know if you get married to someone if you are going to feel the same forever. You don't. Even the happiest marriages are a leap of faith. I love my husband and we have a great relationship, but that doesn't mean that I KNOW we will feel the same about each other for the rest of our lives. You also mentioned changing for another person. I think this is a definite no-no in the realm of relationships. If a person changes for another person, they often end up resenting that person for "making" them change. This can lead to problems, obviously. Also, the change might not be permanent. You said that your boyfriend has changed, but that doesn't mean that if you marry him, those changes will stick. It sounds to me like you are not sure of yourself. That right there should tell you to beware. I think the number one thing that can tell you whether or not to marry someone is to listen to yourself...really listen. Listen to what's going on underneath the feelings of love that you have for him. I recently went through this with my mom. She got engaged and was living with a man right after she divorced my dad. We all thought she was rushing things, but I thought, "If it makes her happy". Two months before the wedding, she wasn't sure of herself and was telling me about some things that she didn't like about her fiance. She ended up calling it off after she realized that she couldn't really go through with it. Your situation is a little different, but you are very young. You have plenty of time to find the right man. Remember that just because you love someone doesn't necessarily mean that you will have a good marriage with them. You need to first figure out what things are important to you in a partner and then find a man with most of those qualities. I wouldn't recommend settling. I understand that you are eager to have a successful marriage, but there's no need to rush. I also would recommend that you not feel so bad about having been divorced. You married young. It happens. We can't expect everyone to get it right the first time. I got married when I was 19 and have been with my husband for 8 years, but I was pretty lucky and I was also very mature for my age when I was 18. I knew what I wanted and I just happened to find it when I was young. Good luck with your current relationship. I hope this post helps you out a little bit. I can totally understand you not wanting to have another divorce. My husband and I now have 4 families because both of our parents are now divorced. I don't want my son to have that situation as well, but there are just no guarantees where marriage is concerned. That's part of what makes marriage so special because you're trusting another person with so many parts of your life with no guarantees that it will work out...only faith.
• United States
16 Sep 08
I actually read your post to my fiance as well and your post is very direct and to the point I like that thank you for your post. It did help not only me but my fiance as well.
@rsa101 (16746)
• Quezon City, Philippines
15 Sep 08
I think you've learned your lessons well in your past relationship that is why you are pretty much cautious this time. Well to start you up first you have to eradicate the fear before you finally decide on getting married again. Re-learn what was your mistakes from the past and see if it still exist in your present relationship. If it does then maybe you should try to straighten things out first before you jump into it. Communication with your partner is a very effective tool for you to really make sure that everything will be alright. i think you should learn top make things okay. This is your nth time in getting married I am pretty sure you know the hoops and loops in the system already and you would not want to be in the same situation you were in last time.
@carmela0210 (1591)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
think bout it as many as you could before you got into that situation, youre too young anyway, and it will just give you another failed relationship. Why not try living with him for some time so you two could know each others attittudes.
@ganda8831 (816)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
I dont think you would know if your marriage is meant to last. But that's the risk that you have to take. If you really love each other, no matter what problems would come along, you'd be able to get through them. Just think positively. No marriage is perfect, remember that. It takes hard work and lots of responsibilities. Have faith in your relationship and have faith that God will always be looking after the two of you.
@Sarah1108 (310)
• United States
14 Sep 08
I think you have a lot of things you might want to deal with before getting married again. you have only been divorced for what 2 1/2 years or so? maybe you are moving too fast. Are you in a perfect relationship right now? Dont let anyone tell you to get married. you do it when you want to. there is nothing wrong with being in a long term relationship without getting married. look and many people in hollywood that have dated for 20 years. Oprah has made it work for a long time. if you really want to get married then do it but dont do it for anyone but you. I dont even think marriage should be forced because of children yes i think kids should have 2 parents but its better for them to be in a happy single home then a angry 2 parent home