Do you stand by the son?

United States
September 17, 2008 3:18pm CST
My son is twenty years old and has been in serious trouble since he was fifteen. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. He lies, steals and does what he wants. He is currently on Probation for Unlawfull Use of a Weapon and Stealing. He called me homeless and needed a place to stay a few months ago. I agreed to let him come into my home. I set rules of no alcohol and no drugs. He has not followed them and I feel that i am being chased out of my own home. This will be the second time. He has started college and says he can use and be functioning. I am not so sure. I am afraid of him. He also has a warrant out for his arrest for assault. I love my son and have tremendous guilt over him but am afraid for my own life. What do I do?
2 people like this
9 responses
@syankee525 (6295)
• United States
18 Sep 08
yeah this is hard for a parent. i seen my brother turned his son in, the day he was suppose to go away i took him to lock up. but he was 15, your son is 20 so it's time for him to be a man and grow up. if you are scared of him, you need to let him go and learn from his own mistakes. time for him to pay his own way. yeah i wish they gave us a book on what to do with this. my other brother steals from him all the time. he asked what i would do if it was my son? first i beat the crap out of him and then let him go to learn on his own no matter how much hurts. best of luck to you.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Sep 08
Wow pinkharleygirl, this is a tough one. If your son is twenty years old, then he is an adult who should be responsible for his own actions. You set down the rules when you allowed him to come into your home and since he has chosen not to follow those rules, then you should enforce them. If you are afraid for your life, maybe you should anonymously call and tell the authorities that have the warrant out on him where he is and when he will be there. I think that is what I would do. The guilt should be his, not yours. Did you make him commit those crimes? I didn't think so. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Sep 08
Thanks for ur response and that is exactly what I am thinking of doing. However, can i live with the guilt that my action will send my son back to prison. Do I give my life for my son? Most people would give their life for their child. I feel guilty that I am not sure I can.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 08
Your actions aren't what is sending your son back to prison. His are and you have no reason to feel guilty for doing what is right. Not to mention you may be saving both of your lives. If he continues down the path he has chosen, I'm afraid he may not live to be an old man. You cannot live your life for him, he is a grown man and it's time to cut those apron strings Mom. I'll be thinking of you and hope you find the strength and wisdom you need to do what is needed. Take care.
1 person likes this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
18 Sep 08
You are not responsible for his actions, he is. I posted below, too, so please read that. I've been there and if he goes to jail (it would not be prison, that's more serious crimes), he may need that smack in the head to get his act together. Go here and read this. Even if he is not a teen, it still stands.. http://www.helpyourteens.com/tough_love.html
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 08
I know it sounds horrible to say this but the best thing you could do for your son is call the police and tell them that he has a warrant out for his arrest. While he is in lock up, he is going to get a mandatory detox which will help him more than anything. I know you love your son but sometimes you have to do the hardest thing imaginable to save him.
1 person likes this
@annjilena (5621)
• United States
18 Sep 08
put his behind out if he can not follower your rules he needs to get to stepping you should not have to live in your house in fear i can relate to you about this my son started doing things at 14 he was stealing,lying,being disrespectfil would not listen when i tell him son change your friends they get him in trouble and they,re free so i understand how you feel it hard when you love your child and they do everything to destroy there life i often wonder what it will take for them to get it you have one life live it respectfully and enjoy you are a live my prayes go out to you don,t worry its going to be ok hang in there.
1 person likes this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Stand by him by being tough. If you enable him, by making it easy for him (I.E. Supporting him), it will not stop. You need to ask him to leave your home. Give him a legal eviction notice and if he is not out by that date, have the Marshall remove him. I evicted my own son, it was hard but he needed it. Unfortunately, a couple of years later he was killed by a drunk driver but he was, in fact, getting his life together up until that point. PLEASE!! Join al-anon and get help. They will help you learn what to do. They can help you with an intervention and he is fooling himself that he can be a user and still function well. It will kill him, if not someone else.
1 person likes this
@jesus777 (664)
• Bermuda
18 Sep 08
he is no longer a baby he is grown man and he needs to be out of your house and deal with the consequences i understand you love your son but now is not the time to baby him now is the time for him too grow up and be a man and take care of his own responsibility he made the choices he made and now he should be a man and live with the consequences but as long as you are being mommy so to speak he wont grow up you will always be his mom and love him but sometimes you have to let go of the ones you love and let them live there own lives and deal with there own debts to society. so mom even though you love him you have to let him go. you have to let him be responsible and be man and step up to the plate!!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 08
It may be the hardest thing you ever do, but ask yourself this: would you rather he end up in prison for life because he killed you? I agree with the poster who suggested that you call the police anonymously and hope that they'll pick him up on his warrant. You need to protect your own life because if you don't, you won't be there to help him later. I wish you luck with your problem and believe you'll find it in your heart to do what you know is the right thing.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (35025)
• United States
21 Sep 08
Personally, in a situation like this, there is nothing wrong with wanting to stand by your son, let him know you Love him, but I would think it is time for him to go. Try and help find him some help he needs, and make him move out. Still let him know you Love him, but for now, he is best being away from you trying to get better on his own. It might be hard for you to do, but you will definately be better off doing this that taking a chance, and something happen to you as well.
• Singapore
18 Sep 08
A son has his dad to look out for him, he will know one day when he see how much you love him.