Why does teachers place the emphasis on the mother, more than the father?

@cream97 (29175)
United States
September 17, 2008 6:57pm CST
I have a conference tomorrow with my son's teacher. Why does the mom have to be so responsible with their child. The teachers never mention the father at all. They have to understand that their are two parents in the home. When my husband and I were together, I would be the only one that the teacher would call on for a conference.. If the teacher sees my husband in the mornings, how come she can't just say anything to my husband, instead of me all of the time. I find this to be so irritating. And my husband would bring my son to school in the mornings.. So why am I always the one that the teacher calls on for everything. I have no problem with being held responsible for my child. I just get tired when all the weight is upon me. What should I say to a teacher, that expects more out of me, than they do towards the father?
3 people like this
24 responses
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Arrg! I hate this! I get it all the time and it is so annoying. I'm am seriously annoyed with my son's school right now because of this. They never sent a handbook home because my s/o has had kids there before. The problem is I haven't. I was told conflicting things about the start time but I erred on the side of caution and got him there early the first week. S/o took over with the drop off for a couple days and didn't get him there early but not late either. Then I had one day of not getting him there as early as I usually do, but still around the same time as s/o had dropped him off. Before I even got back home the school the school had called and left a mesage about me dropping him off "late" (it was 4 minutes before the last bell) and then when I came to pick him up that day, the head teacher "reminded" me again, in front of all the other parents. That's just one of several incidences that have made me feel like they think I'm a delinquent teenager that they don't want around. In your case I think you should just be firm that despite everything, your son has a father and that he needs to be kept involved just as much as you. Most schools will send out duplicate report cards and letters to the "other parent", insist on that. Make sure all his contact information is correct and tell the teacher that if you get called for a conference the he has to be called as well.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, this is what I will do! I agree with you 100%. A father needs to be involved just as much as a mom does.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
19 Sep 08
I think the father has to involve himself. They deal with whatever parent they see the most. If it is a s/o, they are not going to pass messages to him, etc. because he is not the parent. You can list your s/o as an emergency contact but they will not disclose personal info to anyone other than a parent. If you are married and still together, but you are the one going into the school all the time, it is you they are dealing with. They are not going to bring up your husband. They are usually talking about your child's needs and what you as a parent can do to help etc. they are probably assuming that you'll go home and share the info with your husband. If he has an issue, then he should contact the teacher himself and become more involved. These teachers have nearly 30 students which means 60 parents and possibly s/o's and steps etc. They are just one person.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
19 Sep 08
My s/o is the parent. Parents don't have to be married to be together.
1 person likes this
@Bebs08 (10691)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Well, mothers are in the home most often and has close contact with the child. The teacher is just comfortable to share the whereabouts of your kid to you than to your husband. But if I were the teacher I would speak to both. If your husband is visible in school everyday and the teacher see him there, why not tell him if ever there is a problem? I understand your feelings. It is indeed irritating. When I was teaching, I used to contact both parents when there is problem with their kid in school. I just wonder if the teacher is male or female. If female, maybe she is comfortable to approach you than your husband. Just stay calm.
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Thank you for your understanding response! Yes, both parents should be approached.. The teacher is a female.. But, when she last talked to me, it was like she almost jumped down my throat about what I need to be doing more with my son. She insulted me, and did not give me a chance to tell my side of the story.. She felt like she was trying to make me feel like I am an unfit parent.
@Bebs08 (10691)
• United States
18 Sep 08
oh!! that is awful!!! well, I understand how you feel. I know it is frustrating to hear that comment from a teacher. I think the teacher also was so stress with the problematic kids in hers class. Being a teacher is not an easy job also. I know that because I was there before. But we are always reminded by our mentors to deal the parents kindly. Not be rude in our approach. But do you know that there are also parents who are rough in their approach to the teacher? For me, it is always good to have good parent teacher relationship. What I do before was to make friends with the parents of my students. If possible teachers should conduct home visitation so that she would have idea about the kids in her class. That's what we do in my country. I am not sure if that is applicable or is allowed in other countries.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
19 Sep 08
Yes, they do home visits with DSS. I also think that they do Home Visits for other reasons as well. With the school, I believe that they do, it is just under certain circumstances..
1 person likes this
@rocketj1 (6957)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Are you home during the day? Sometimes the more available parent is the one to be consulted with. Also I think because of so many divorce situations with the mother having custody, the teacher may just be used to talking to the mother.
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, I am. But, I am mostly very busy with my other kids too. So, I am not free as she thinks that I quite am.
@rocketj1 (6957)
• United States
18 Sep 08
It seems that you may be too worried about what this woman thinks of you. You sound as if you are a bit insecure when you are around her. I'd just let it go. It's not worth it. Concentrate on your child.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, you are right.. I will ignore her. I have no idea why a woman this old would want to bug the hell out of an 30 year old.. Don't she have other moms to start up with??
• United States
30 Sep 08
I seen this discussion , and I had to say this , it might seem silly so I apologize now. Mother is the word for god in the hearts and minds of children. Although no I do not think it should bare any recognizance whether you or male or female in the parenting role. They are so many different types of families , single dads ands moms. It is how the child is raised individually
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
30 Sep 08
Yes, the role is placed more on whom is there more..
@relundad (2312)
• United States
29 Sep 08
First I would check the school records and see who you designated as a person of contact. If its you, then she is doing what you requested. If its not then you should find out why. Just because the teacher speaks to one parent and not the other doesn't mean that if you both have an interest and its convient that the two of you can't attend. Also if you are the one the one that shows up at PTA meetings, roundtable meetings and things of that nature the teacher may assume that you are the one that handles school issues. It's up to you to let the school know what your designation requirements are for your family. For some families, it the mother, for others its the father and for some both parents are involved with all meetings or events.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
30 Sep 08
Yes you are right! It does all depends on whom they see as the most reliable person involved..
@john3l6 (187)
• United States
19 Sep 08
I am not a teacher so I don't know first hand. My guess is that most children have their mothers in their lives and not all have dads present or in a position of guardianship. What stops you from sending daddy in your place? I have mobility issues so my husband is who they got whether they liked it or not. I do understand the stress. They want fathers to be in the child's life but do nothing to encourage participation of the father in the child's learning and rearing. Yes we have come a long way baby but we still have miles to go.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
19 Sep 08
Yes, you are right! They want involvement, but they will not initiate it..
@williamjisir (22909)
• China
19 Sep 08
Hello cream. I think that maybe this teacher of your son has got used to contact you because of her initial contact with you. You know, when one is used to something, it is not easy for one to change his mind. Also usually it is the mother who has more patience in educating her kid. So this could be the reason why you are called on more often than the father. Could this be so, please? Take care, friend.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
19 Sep 08
It could be. When my son was first enrolled in her class, the father came that same day with me. As a matter of fact, he takes my son to school almost everyday. I just wonder why the teacher does not talk to him right then and there. When she wanted to have an conference, she had my name on the paper instead of my husband's..
@divinchris (2449)
• India
19 Sep 08
Mother is the one who teaches the child how to study.So I feel that the teacher emphasis more to mother than to the father.I dont find any other reason for that,in most case fathers will be busy with their works and it will be the mother who will teach their children.That maybe the reason for that.Thank you.Happy mylotting
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
19 Sep 08
Yes, it is so. The mother is the main squeeze here. The man does tend to work more.. But, it is still unfair to place all of the load on the mother.
@Barbietre (1442)
• United States
18 Sep 08
I did not give them a choice. Since I was in school at the time and could not attend many of the meetings, my husband went. So after awhile they got the hint. In all actuality we both had input in the children, and we both helped with school and all, but I was always aware of their attitude and cut it off before it began.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
19 Sep 08
Yes, that is fair. One goes all the time, while the two of you work together..
@checapricorn (16072)
• United States
18 Sep 08
[i]Hi cream, I know this is common since the mother is sometimes the less busy person in the family like for those who are full time housewife and in most cases,the mother is the one who really monitor the kids at home and spend more time with the kids, so,it's a given that teacher will always refer and address the problem or some concern to the mother instead of the father! Although, I know also a lot of men who gives equal time with the kids and those who accompany the kids to the school![/i]
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@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, it can be an either or an or situation..
• United States
18 Sep 08
I think they assume that most dads are working and moms are home, even now a days, which is rarely the case anymore. So they talk to the Mother. My husband and I both have picked up my son to and from school, and hubby is not working currently, so he is iwth my son just as much as I am, and yes the teacher would probably not talk to him about things but to me. So far we havent had her come to either of us about anything so i dont know for sure. I have however seen her talk to both parents of other children, when the parents have taken turns to pick up the child, so maybe she isnt like this. I agree though, that teachers do tend to put in on the mother to handle situations, and it very well might be for the reason someone else posted, in that mothers tend to approach sitautions with more love and concern...
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, I agree. The teacher hardly makes any comments to my husband about our son.. But, if that was me picking him up and dropping him off to school, she would have made sure that she said something to me.
• Philippines
18 Sep 08
teachers do put emphasis on the mothers when it comes to teaching their kids because the mothers are more understanding when it come's to responding to the kids' emotional needs, they contribute more to the kids' psychological development because mothers are more showy when it comes to loving and caring for their kids. moms are often times left at home to take care of their children. if your husband is a good one, do not be irritated, do not put to pressure on yourself when the teacher tells you that you are more responsible for your kid. why dont you try to talk to your kid's teacher? you can tell him/her that you and your husband are having the equal tasks when it comes to taking care of your child. you can be a good example of a good parents in which the teacher might be proud of if she/he finds it out.chill...:)
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, I will tell her that today...
@pehpot (4762)
• Philippines
18 Sep 08
oh well because the society says that the mother is the ione that takes care of the child, and you know what I think teachers give high regards to the father, when the father is the one who is complaining I think thy become more afraid
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Me too. I believe that they are afraid. It is like when they see the father they are more reluctant to say anything..
@nilzerous1 (2435)
• India
18 Sep 08
Incidentally, while discussing about my niece with her teacher yesterday, she told me the same thing - it is the mother who is most important for a child's proper development. Probably, children tend to imitate their mother more than their father. Also they are more likely to stay in contact with their Moms. Personally, I believe it is the equal responsibility on the part of both of the parents to look after their kids.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, it is. A mom should not be the only person that is called upon when it comes to their child's education. A father has the same role in educating their child as a mother. The mom may work differently with their child, and the dad may have his own teaching style... But, a father has just as much responsibility as the mom does..
@patzel88 (3311)
• Philippines
18 Sep 08
well maybe the teacher predict that the mother is always at home or have a time for their kids as a parents to attend any responsibility to the school for they may think that the father are working and the mother are always at home.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Not said to you personally, but still I wished that all the weight is not on me..
@Hatley (162059)
• Garden Grove, California
18 Sep 08
cream you should be proud as she thinks you are the warm hearted mom who cares about her son, not the ex husband who might not really care too much.change your outlook and it will make youfeel better inside.you are doing a remarkable job of taking care of your f amily. dont let anyone think you a re not. good luck. God bless.
@cream97 (29175)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Thanks for your wishes! But, I personally think that the teacher feels that I am not doing enough with my son. I get so annoyed with feeling this way.. It is like she tries to point out all the flaws with me, instead of focusing on the good points!
@camomom (7537)
• United States
29 Sep 08
i hate that!!! i am a mom and a step-mom of a second grader. my stepson lives with us the majority of the year and his dad and i live in the school district. his mom does not live in the school district. we are the primary household and his father is supposed to get all the first contacts from the school. not to mention that his mother is immature, a liar, a b*tch and everything else you can think of. she uses the fact that she's a single mom to her advantage, the school assumes she's always right and his dad is always wrong, which is actually the opposite. but as far as the teachers and principal are concerned they need to deal with her and only her.
1 person likes this
29 Sep 08
generally mothers will have more affection of their child and the children also listen more to a mother rather than to their father so most of the teachers may say that mother rather than father in our epics we have saying regarding all these mother is the primary god and then rest of all
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@sid556 (31018)
• United States
19 Sep 08
I went thru the same exact thing at the schools. I was the primary care giver to my girls so that is why they always called me first. I was fine with that as I would have been furious had they called him and not me. The problem that I had was...why they never ever involved him in the issues at all? He was never invited to parent/teacher conferences even though I told them that he should be. He never got copies of report cards, altho they had his address. I was told that because the children lived with me, that was why I got all the calls etc. It was up to me to keep him informed and if he wanted to schedule a conference or to join in a meeting that he was more than welcome. From their perspective, I guess I kind of got it. It would be more work for them to contact and try to schedule us both. To be honest, in my case...the dad really was pretty lame at being involved. I had (have) trouble getting him to be involved in her life...I guess that I can't really expect more from the teacher.
1 person likes this
• China
18 Sep 08
Maybe mother take charge of the family more the father,especially they give more care to children.So in this aspect morther is great!
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