Miscarriage

@berkee (46)
Ireland
September 19, 2008 7:52am CST
Having become pregnant at 20 with my boyfriend of then 2 yrs, we went through a rollercoaster of emotions and troubles. It had come as a complete shock and at first there was some tension between us as we struggled to come to terms with what lay ahead. Any young couple who become pregnant by accident are lying if they say the thought of abortion never came into their head, and we did talk about it, briefly. We quickly realised that we couldn't do anything other than give life to this child and do our best for it and so the tension eased and we started making plans. All the while, we did not tell our parents as we knew it would be difficult for them, we had decided to wait until after christmas so as not to spoil the holiday. At that stage I would have been 3 months. With a clear plan we relaxed and my boyfriend attended doctor appointments with me, and at what the doctor was telling me was the 8-10th week, we went expecting to hear a heart beat. However, she was unable to find it and we left a little confused, questioning whether I was pregnant at all as even though I had been feeling sick in the early weeks, for the few days prior, I had felt fine. The following morning, to settle ourselves, I did another test and as before, it was positive, so once again we relaxed. But it didnt last long, literally the following morning, sunday 2nd December, I had an aching in my back and thighs and a light spotting of blood. My boyf tried to assure me I was fine, but I knew what was happening, and so knowing I couldnt stop it, I waited for it to happen. The bleeding stopped and we went out for the afternoon, but before I left his house to go home to my own, I went to the bathroom and it happened. I sat there sobbing as I lost my baby for almost an hour untill my boyfriends parents went out and he came to check on me. I was hysterical as he rushed me to hospital. I had several internal scans, and was left in a bed to allow the process to finish. It was now I had to call my parents to say i wouldn't be home. They took it incredibly hard, that I had not told them and had not 'sorted it out'. My boyfs parents took it very well, and his mother visited me the following morning. However, my own mother did not arrive untill the afternoon, with nothing constructive to say, I asked her to leave. In the following two days, she did not return. It was my boyf's mother who brought me a wash bag and clothes. After 3 days and a DNC, my mother picked me up to take me home, fighting with me in the car and at home. I spent that night at home, but the atmosphere was horrendous so my boyf picked me up and I stayed with him for 3 nights. On the sunday night, a week after the miscarriage, I returned to my own house as I had work the following morning. I was greated by an irrate father who kicked me out. So I returned to my boyfriends house, and have stayed there ever since... It has been almost a year and to this day, my parents have never spoken to me about what happened or asked me to come home. Apart from having to deal with losing a baby, losing my parents as well was incredibly hard to get over, and I still am not fully at peace with it, they adandoned me when I needed the most, literally. I go home at least once a week to visit my mother and younger brothers, the youngest being 7 who simply doesnt understand why I dont live there anymore. Its hard, but I am a stonger, happier person now. This may not be of any interest to anyone here, but I cant explain how writin this has helped me, its like a release. My heart goes out anyone who has ever found themselves in this situation, coping with an unplanned pregnancy, unsupporting parents or any other hardship.
2 responses
@jonesy123 (3950)
• United States
19 Sep 08
I'm so sorry this happened to you. A miscarriage is hard enough to deal with but your parent's reaction is outrageous. Unfortunately, some people are stuck in old fashioned believes often those who are rather religious. I suppose your parents were hurt that they didn't know but others outside the family already did (like your boyfriend's parents). They probably also feel that you brought shame to the family. It's weird, but this explains their reaction. No parents should behave like that but unfortunately some do. I'm glad that you found the strength to write down what happened. It's part of the healing process. I'm also glad to see that you are gracious enough to have forgiven your mother for her behavior and still go and visit her. You are stronger than you think, much stronger. You have already proven that in many ways. Give it time. It might take several years before you father comes around, if you let him. And maybe, just maybe, they'll find the strength to ask for forgiveness from you. Their behavior was not right and something tells me your mother already knows that, your father probably, too. You are a strong woman. You'll be alright in life. Keep you head high and focus on your future;)
@berkee (46)
• Ireland
19 Sep 08
I cannot begin to understand why they acted this way towards me, no-one at all knew while i was pregnant only my boyfriend and my parents are certainly not religious. However, my father always made it clear he did not approve of my boyf, and had even gone so far as to ban him from the house after only 6 months together. No-one else in the family knew about the miscarriage and even my now 17 yr old brother still does not know what happened. I feel most bitterness towads my father, as I believe it is mostly his doing in regards to kicking me out. He was always very controlling, and I feel the fact that I am his stepdaughter has alway been an obvious factor to how he treated me. My mother however, also confuses me as she became pregnant with me at 19, as a result of fling with a married man. She was a single teen mother so I find it so hypocritical in the way she has treated me. I do believe she is overpowered by my father and it saddens me to think that she did not feel she had anyway of stopping him throwing me out..that is assuming she didnt want me to leave. It is hard to credit they could treat me in this way at my darkest time. But I have come a long way since then and your words are a huge comfort. Thankyou.
• United States
22 Sep 08
I hope OP that you are atleast able to stay in communication w/ your brother, despite your parents. I had a friend who's step dad had an incrediable influence over her mother. To the point when she became pg @15 she had an abortion (you didn't need parental consent at the time either) and when her parents found out they put her into a juvinille psych ward!!! There was nothing wrong with this girl to justify such actions. Her mom's life ran around the step dad, not w/ her daughter who needed her but the step dad. Her "bad behaviors" would of been curbed if mom paid attention to child rather than the step dad. Sad really.
• United States
22 Sep 08
I'm so sorry to hear that your parents decided to shut you out! I can't speak for them but as a mom myself I know I'd dread the day if one of my girls came to me pg. Though they are small now we've breifly discussed how we'd handle things. And kicking our child out is not on the list. I hope that one day they'll open their eyes to their mistake of loosing their daughter as well as any future grandchildren.
@berkee (46)
• Ireland
2 Oct 08
I do still stay in touch, I am living only 10 min drive away now with my boyf so I go to see my mam and brothers at least once a week, we also try to take my youngest bro out at weekends coz he really doesnt understand what happened. My other brother is old enuf not to be bothered by the fact Im not living there, he actually wants to leave himself as he and my father also do not get on: they are too alike and really rub each other up the wrong way. But he does not know about the miscarriage and that this is why they kicked me out, very few people know the truth, its like my miscarriage had to be a dirty little secret. I did recently tell my grandmother, it was hurting me to keep it a secret. She was very supportive, and she has never got on with my father. A teen crisis pregnancy is enuf to handle so I really hope you would wholehearted support your daughter if it happened, you would be suprised the damage you can do if you do not offer that support. I would never wish on anyone to miscarry, despite not being a planned pregnancy, you still grieve and I dont think my parents understand this, I still grieve, I still think how things could'v been different, I should'v had a baby by now. My parents have seriously damaged our relationship and I do not think I can ever fully forgive, and it will never be the same, I am very bitter towards my father for what he did to me, and for my mother, I am sad and disappointed that she didnt do more for me, considering the circumstance of my own conception. This whole experience has left me feeling very alone, isolated and there is a part of me missing. It has made me wonder for my real father, where to look for him is beyond me. I hope my parents do realise what they have done to me, I honestly think my father sees nothing wrong in what he did. But I know for sure I will never have the same relationship with them as before, and as for a relationship with any future kids? I dont think I would deny my kids their grandparents but I think I may keep their distance.