Dilema -Should I Send A Birthday Card Or Not On Behalf Of My Son?

@ellie333 (21029)
September 24, 2008 5:50pm CST
Some of you are aware, others are not but my sons father is a bit of a waste of spce and hasn't bothered seeing him since Easter and has phioned once in the time in between but is is his fathers birthday next week and I usually send Christmas, Birthday and Fathers Day cards on his behalf but drawing round his hand and getting him to do a drawing inside. As he hasn't been bothered at all I am thinking why should I bother but my son still asks after his dad and I think now he is a bit older he could probably do most of the card himself. Would you send? Or would you leave it and see how soon he bothers to contact. I realy don't know what to do on this one as my daughters father and I have always sent to each other on their behalf but then again my daughters father was in constant contact so a different case scenario really. What would you do in this situation. Ellie :D
11 people like this
47 responses
• United States
24 Sep 08
A card costs what----a dollar or two than a stamp? Send the card.
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@ellie333 (21029)
24 Sep 08
Hi NuclearRabbit, It is not the cost of the card I am worried about, it is the upset my son will feel if I mention he needs to send a card to his daddy as he is four and well aware that he hasn;t heard from him. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Sep 08
But it's not like your reminding him of something that he doesn't know already..... It's not about the card and it's not about his dad, it's about the relationship with your son. If he sees that you both tried and tried than he won't blame you for the lack of contact he has with his dad.
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@ellie333 (21029)
24 Sep 08
Thanks I hear what you are saying but meanwhile what if he doesn't acknowledge receiving, my son then has to go through disappoint and hurt yet again. Thanks for your input though I really apreciate it. I might convienently forget, I'm undecided still. Ellie :D
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@mands61123 (2099)
25 Sep 08
Hey ellibobs speaking from experience and being very proud of my own mother for never getting disheartened or making the decision for me i think you should continue. If he chooses to sever contact with his son then it is his doing and no reflection on you, you have constantly tried and remain to do the right thing by your son. I can understand your thinking, frustration and anger at your sons father but he will have no one to blame but himself. Especially for the difficult relationship that will follow (if any at all) with his son if and when he shows interest in later life as so often happens in these circumstances. As i have said in previous discussions my own dad was in and out of my life when i was younger but not once did my mother say a bad word about him or his (evil) girlfriend. She always maintained that i was loved and that she could not explain on my dads behalf but that she would always stand by me in any decision i made. I ultimately in my teens decided if he couldn't be bothered with me i couldn't be bothered with him and this hurt him alot. He couldn't blame my mum though as she had always kept out of it, we are now reconciled. Now i'm older i understand how hard and painful that must have been for her but brings me a deeper and greater respect for her. I'm sure you'll make the best decision for your son from what i know of you you're up there in the same caliber as my mum who is a truely wonderful mother.
25 Sep 08
ps just read the other responses and had to add i know you are concerned about him being disappointed and hurt and i don't want to sound horrible and unfeeling but he will be dissappointed and hurt by many people in his life that he loves and cares for. He'll need you to show him the way to be strong and deal with situations like this to show him that he is always loved and cherished no matter what and that some peoples daddys are busy but they have extra special mummies and sisters to take care of them. (crap made me well up guess it's a bit close to home eh!). They are like a sponge at this age soaking everything up i think dealing with the situations as and when they arise makes it a bit more bearable and will make him less resentful when he is older. Obviously you're his mummy and you will make the decision that YOU feel is best for YOUR child and as a child thats all you can ask of/expect from your parents. Kisses mands
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@ellie333 (21029)
25 Sep 08
Hi Mands, Sorry didn't want to bring painful memories to you babe, not at all, but you are very lucky in having a mum that is so wonderful and made you felt loved and cared for no matter what her feelings were towards your dad eh. I did in fact ask my son this morning whether he wanted to send a card to his daddy and he said he did, so I will let him do it but not get his hopes up that he will get a call of thank you or anything. Thank you for saying that I come up to the same calibre as your mum that means so much. I try to do the best for my kids but as parents it is sometimes so hard and especially with my little one as he is a sensitive soul bless. So many are saying send, so many don't send but if I do my son can't look at me in years to come and acuse me of keeping him from his dad which is something I haven't done so far at all its just his dad doesn't bother. I also never bad mouth his dad, I say it is because he is busy and lives far away but I am sure he is thinking of him. Maybe he will get a call after he receives card but I am not holdng my breath on that one. Yes he will get hurt in life and as a mum I can't protect him from all lifes knocks and I suppose somehow this experience with his dad will make him stronger and may even make him become a wonderful parent himself as he will not want to put his own children through this type of thing eh! All I can do is to be there for him with love and huggles eh!Big huggles to you too Mands. Ellie :D
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Aaah bless you, thank you for that. I reckon the reason my daughter has gone into pyschology is beacuse she says we are the ultimate dysfunctional family, my step-mother even ran off with another woman, her dad runs off with my friends, it is worse than Eastenders at times believe me but yes it does make us stronger. Huggles. Ellie :D
@littleowl (7157)
25 Sep 08
Hi Ellie..how I see it is whatever happens we only have one mum and one dad obviously it is difficult when divorced but now your son knows his dad asks after him it will only be fair on him to send a b'card to his dad and he may also get some fun out of doing it to..sometimes we have to put our feelings aside and think how our children feel or would do if they knew what day it is..one day your son will and he will always remember his dad wether he contacts him or not...my advice is to send the card for him like you normally do...love and huggles littleowl
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Littleowl, I have sent the card and also told my son in advance not to get his hopes up tha daddy will call as he is a very busy person. I don't bad mouth him in front of my son and when my son is old enough he can make his own mind up eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
@littleowl (7157)
29 Sep 08
Hi Ellie..I really sympathise with you my daughter is going through the same thing with her son and his dsd too...although sometimes it may be weeks before my grandson see's his dad he always remembers him and talks about him...but it is hurtful seeing how he idolises his dad when Sam(my daughter) as well as everyone in the family know what a waste of time the father really is..my heart goes out to your son..love and Huggles littleowl
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Oct 08
Hi Littleowl, Thanks, as expected though no call to my son to acknowledge receipt of the card which is just so sad and your grandson is the same age as mine so I really feel for him and your daughter too bless. Love and Huggles. Ellie :D
@cupid74 (11397)
• Pakistan
25 Sep 08
Hi Ellie its not that tough scenairo Just send the card on ur Son Behalf, After all its father of ur son and u look at the happiness of Ur son , not at the attitude of His Father. Take care
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Cupid, I have sent the card. Huggles. Ellie :D
@cupid74 (11397)
• Pakistan
6 Oct 08
So Dillemma is resolved Thats Great and thanks for Huggles
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@ellie333 (21029)
6 Oct 08
Yes but his dad did not bother to pick up the phone to acknowledge he had received card, it is sad that he can't be bothered with his own son. I done the right thing though by sending on my sons behalf until he can make his own mind up eh! Ellie :D
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
25 Sep 08
Hi ellie, My son was 4 yrs. old when his father and I separated. I didn't have him send cards to his dad but I encouraged him to call on specials days and Holidays. The thing that I feel we need to remember is that our children suffer tremendously from divorce, and every little thing we do to relieve that pain is important. Fathers tend to be more neglectful in these matters, so it falls upon us Mothers to make sure that our children always feel connected to both of their parents. Try to remember that you are doing this special tradition for your son, not his dad. Your son will always remember the effort you made on his behalf. My son is now 28 yrs. and he tells me all the time how much he loves me for all the things I did to keep him connected to his dad. Believe me, it's worth the effort. Good luck sweetie. leenie
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Leenie, my sons father left before he was born and just pops in as and when he feels like it which hasn't been since Easter so a slightly different scenario but I have sent a card and will continue o do so until my son is old enough to address the envelope himself. It is hard seeing the kids suffer, when I said his dad is a waste of space, he doesn't come round or call or help provide and when I threatened to go to the courts to get maintenance he gave up work just to give you an idea of what I am delaing with. However, I never badmouth him to my son and always say daddy is busy or lives too far away to see you (1/2 hour drive) but that is far away to a four year old eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
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@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
30 Sep 08
Hi Sweetie, You are one of the mothers I feel very badly for. My son used to get angry with his dad because he felt neglected by him. All I could say was he had a right to be angry but not to call his dad names. I tried to help him understand that his dad was busy and had another life. It wasn't easy but I tried to help him not to give up on his dad. With you, you have nothing to work with. If this man has no use for his son, then You have no obligation to keep him in a good light with your son. Under these circumstances, sending him a card is way beyond the call of duty. I'm sorry I didn't understand that better. I wouldn't try to make a hero out of a low life. As your son gets older I believe honesty between you and him is most important. Even if he doesn't like the truth, he will understand someday. I think you know what's best for you son. Good luck sweetie.
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Oct 08
Update Leenie, I sent the card and nothing not a text email or a call to say he had received. I sometimes wonder myself why I bother and think at Christmas will let my son ask to send daddy one but if he doesn't mention I don't think I will. My own daughters think he is better off without him in his life at all as we love him but his dad just sees him as a burden on his life which is just so sad. Thanks for understanding. Huggles. Ellie :D
@winterose (39931)
• Canada
24 Sep 08
what I would do is ask my son if he wanted to, and go with whatever he says.
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@ellie333 (21029)
24 Sep 08
Thanks Winterose, I am now concerned about the lack of acknowlegement to the card which will cause him more hurt. he is four now so I may ask but he has been picked up and put down so many time in these few years of his life, I just don't want him hurt anymore and I am almost inclined to convienently forget the birthday and see what happens nearer Christmas time. Ellie :D
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@winterose (39931)
• Canada
24 Sep 08
well since he is so young he won't know it is a birthday unless you tell him, so if that is how you feel then don't bother with the card
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Winterose, I asked my son what he wanted to do and he drew in a card and I addressed and sent. It was the right thing to do even though one I didn't really want to do. Ellie :D
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@jillhill (37354)
• United States
25 Sep 08
THat's a tough one.....how about asking the little guy if he is up to it....and who knows...maybe he'll even call him when he gets a card....on the other hand if you don't want him to call anymore...forget it...why waste your postage!
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@ellie333 (21029)
25 Sep 08
Hi Jill, I did speak to my son this morning and he wans to send his daddy a card which I will let him do but I won't even write in it I will let my son scribble and try to write his name and thats it and I will send, I doubt he will respond which is why I am reluctant as I don't want to cause my little one further hurt but at least I will have maintained contact until my son is old enough to know the date and truly decide for himself eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
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@jillhill (37354)
• United States
25 Sep 08
It's very hard to know what to do.....my ex came around the first year after we were divorced then only came on holidays when he wanted to look like a good daddy to his family! I let the kids send cards which I helped them with until they were old enough to make that decision themselves.....I have always wondered how it is that men can just walk away from their own flesh and blood.....I totally do not understand it!
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@ellie333 (21029)
25 Sep 08
Jill, It isn't just men, I know a guy who gave up his career in the RAF because the mother was so bad that social services would have taken the baby into care if he hadn't have taken on the responsibilty of being a single parent to him, but in general yes the guys do seem to detach more. I guess it is because they don't carry them inside them for nine months and the nuturing instinct doesn't happen naturally, who knows. Without being sexist here, I think we are a lot stronger when we need to be in these situations and are stronger for our children too. Ellie :D
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25 Sep 08
Hey ellie, wow that's a toughie!! I would mention it to your son that its daddy's birthday next week and ask him if he wants to make a card for him. He probably will and as you say, is old enough to do it by himself. Maybe get some old birthday cards for him to look at to give him and idea of what he wants to draw on the card. Just because he isn't making the effort, I think you should as your son is older and will still need that contact with his dad and if you keep it open then when he is older and questions why he didn't have contact with his dad, you can turn around and say 'well I d did this but he (dad) wasn't interested unless it suited him'. If you do send Christmas cards and fathers day cards why not send a birthday card??
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Cinderella, This is what I did do and he wanted to send so I let him do a card and then I addressed an envelope. I have told him that daddy may be too busy to ring and thank him but at least we have done the right thing. I think the reason I was questioning this one is the fact that he hasn't bothered since Easter whereas usually he is a little more frequent with a call or maybe a visit and I am sick of my son being picked up and down when it suits but my son will have all those qustions for his dad when he is older until then I will just keep sending. Huggles. Ellie :D
16 Oct 08
Did he ring or send his thanks to your son for the card? I think when it comes to your ex you have to think about what your son wants to do. Your keeping that doorway open for your son to access his dad, its just a shame his dad doesn't want to keep his doorway open! I bet hes missing out on alot of good times. Your son will grow up knowing his dad wasn't interested but that hes got you and he can rely on you which will make you the most important person in his world!!
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@ellie333 (21029)
16 Oct 08
Hi Cinderella, No his dad hasn't acknowledged reciept, he didn't even bother to wish him luck starting school or to see how he had got on. I really feel for my son on this one but all I can do is to be there for him and surround him in love. When he is older he can ask his father outright WHY? Huggles. Ellie :D
• United States
24 Sep 08
I agree with winterose. You should not send cards, but your son may want to. The cards would be from him, not you. No matter how much of a jerk his father is, he's still your son's father. Your son needs to find a way to love his father, if not respect him. Supporting that effort is how you can best parent your son.
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi LovesTravel, I have addressed an envelope and my son has written in the card. I have told him that daddy may be to busy to ring and say thank you so that he won't be disappointed when he doesn't. I don't see how any son can respect a father who doesn't bother and always says they are skint and yet goes out and spends thousands on a brand new motorbike. He obviously has his priorities all wrong but I have never spoken badly about his father in front of him, he can make his own choices when he is older enough too. Ellie :D
• United States
30 Sep 08
Good for you!! Your son will recognize where to put his trust and which parent is deserving of respect. You deserve a gold star!
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Oct 08
Thank you, but as expected his dad hasn't called to acknowledge it which is so sad for my son. Ellie :D
@CanadaGal (4307)
• Canada
27 Sep 08
I have a similar situation, only my sons' father hasn't contacted them in over a year (father's day 2007 was the last time they saw or spoke to him). He can call or visit anytime, but doesn't. And how difficult is it really, to drop a card in the mail? Yet he doesn't do any of those things either. My sons are now 7, 7, and 9, and it's at the point where I will tell them of events coming up, and ask them if they want to do anything, and then I'll follow through. They can ask me to call their dad any time, but they forget. I won't remind them for that. For father's day at school, they are told that they have the choice of doing something for their dad, or for any of their grandfathers. The right thing IMO is to ask your son if he wants to send his dad a card for his birthday. It's an excellent lesson in what TO do, and how to be respectful and courteous to others. If your son says yes, then let him lead the way. If he says no, then just let it go... until the next occasion. :)
@ellie333 (21029)
27 Sep 08
Hi Canadagirl, I did in fact ask my son (4) and he said he wanted to so today he dreew in a card and I addressed it and will mail on Monday. I have said that daddy might not contact to say he has recived as very busy so he doesn't get his hopes up. His ddad has picked him up and put him down since before his birth, he left whilst I was pregant so I cannot see that changing but my son and him will have to deal with it when my son is older. I hate to see any of my children hurting and I know that when he sees his best friend with his daddy it does upset him sometimes and he has started looking to his friends father as that male role model bless. It sounds like you have it worked out with your sons quite well and I am sure they will thank you when they are older. It is so hard at times don't you think. Thanks for sharing and your advice. Ellie :D
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@CanadaGal (4307)
• Canada
28 Sep 08
It is very hard, yes. I made the decision just 2 years ago that I would do everything in my power to help with the relationship between my sons and their father. I really did hope he would pony up, but deep inside I knew he wouldn't. But I also wanted my boys to see that I was doing everything in my power to have their father in their lives. All I could see was them in their teen years, when they were full of crazy hormones; blaming me for their dad not being there. I figured it was a preventative measure. At the same time, I realized it was an excellent lesson to teach my boys that doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing.
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@Humbug25 (12552)
25 Sep 08
Hi there ellie333 I am sorry to hear of your situation and this horrible dilema. Firstly I thought n, don't send it but I didn't realise that your son was still quite young. His father must know that all the cards and things come from you or are done under your influence. What I would say is continue to do it until your son is old enough to decide for himself and that way you are not bringing yourself down to his level of no contact and he could never turn to you and say you never send cards etc and it might make him feel a bit guilty too, that was a might. Hope you sort it out soon! Take care
@ellie333 (21029)
25 Sep 08
Hi Humbug, Having read your response these are exactly my thoughts and I asked my son whether he wanted to send a card to his dad and he said he did so I will let him and then they can resolve this once my son is a lot older. GUILTY, the dad is too selfish to feel that but one never knows eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
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@Humbug25 (12552)
25 Sep 08
Great minds think a like eh? I know what you are saying about the guilt thing, with some people they have no concience so therefore have no guilt!
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@Munchkin547 (2779)
25 Sep 08
I don't really know what i'd do in this situation, it's one of those things that only you can decide as you know the whole situation and how you feel about it! If he hasn't botheredto mkae the contact to see his son then i would be tempted to say that i wouldn't bother, as he should be making the effort! It's a tough one Ellie, could you not ask your son about it, and let him make the decision for himself, or do you feel he is still a bit young to completely understand the situation? xxx
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Munchkin, I did ask my son and he wanted to send one so have sent. He is only four but when he is older perhaps he will decide he can't be bohered either. Meanwhile I have kept lines of contact open eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
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29 Sep 08
I think you've done the right thing, at least you're not burning any bridges in regards to your son having future contact with his dad. I should imagine his dad isn't your favourite person but it's good that you care enough about your son not to let any of this on and let him grow up to form his own opinion and decide what he wants to do! xxx
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@checapricorn (16072)
• United States
25 Sep 08
[i]Hi ellie, He has the reason to contact with you son but didn't care to do so, If I were you, I will not bothered also not that I don't like them to have contact but I just don't like to initiate a way for my son to be hurt if ever this irresponsible father of him will just ignore the effort of my son! I do know if this is right but this is just what I feel![/i]
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Checapricorn, I have sent the card a my son wanted to but I don't expect he will get a call or anything so have told him this in advance saying remember daddy may not phone as you know he is busy. My son can then decide when he is much older whether he wants to or not eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Sep 08
[i]Hi ellie, ohhh..so you're son remembers it too, How sweet! His father is lucky to have a son like him, hopefully, he will realized it and will not waste time to show and express his care and love, hard to have some regrets in life![/i]
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@msmell (1378)
• Australia
25 Sep 08
Yes you ex sounds so much like my ex husband and he only ever bothered seeing the kids when he was bored and had nothing better to do with his time. Now the kids are near grown 10, 14 & 18 and the older 2 just can't be bothered with him and he is starting to regret the relationship he doesn't have with his kids and he only has him self to blame anyway I still do to day give the kids something to give to their dad on his birthday, xmas & father's day and sometimes my partner now can't understand why I do this because half the time he doesn't ever ring the kids for their birthdays! but like I have told my partner now that do this only for the kids and then when they get old he will not have any come back to me saying this and that and he will only have himself to blame when the kids can say to him we always got your something and you never bothered about us and then he cant turn it around and say of it was all your mothers fault! Selfish I know but I don't care coz I am doing what I think is best for my kids.
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Msmell, I have sent the card as my son wanted to do one for daddy so I addressed the envelope. I tell him that dady is very busy and lives far away (1/2hour drive but thats far to a four year old) he can make his own decisions when older but meanwhile yes like you I am doing the right thing and can't be blamed for setting my son against him as I have maintained contact on his behalf. Ellie :D
@msmell (1378)
• Australia
29 Sep 08
Yeah I think that is the best thing to do also and then we he gets older he will see what you done for him and have you put your own personally feelings aside for him and he will thank you for it and then he will also see that his father didn't! But yes I do know that it is very hard at this stage and there is a very long road ahead to go yet but in the long run it will all work out well
1 person likes this
25 Sep 08
Hi ellie, I know how hard it is my friend went through the same thing with her children's father, the children always send him cards and even wrote to him but they never got any reply until the kids grow up and now they don't wnat to know their father at all but they always said we they had done the right thing all those years and he can't accused them of not wanting to know their father when they were young, so I just think send the card then he can't complain and hope he feels guilty next he don't send your son anything. Love & Huggles. Tamara
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Tamara, I have sent the card and when my son is old enough he can choose for himself whether to or not. I did ask him and he wanted to and let him draw in it etc. Huggles. Ellie :D
29 Sep 08
Hi ellie, You've done the right thing and its good for him, and I know he will decide for himself when he is older and he will love you more for it. Love and Huggles. Tamara
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@PearlGrace (3172)
• United States
25 Sep 08
Hello ellie333. This is a tough situation. I could argue either side. I mean, a mother has absolutely no responsibility for the relationship the father maintains with his child. However, if you send a card, maybe it will jolt the father into reality that he has a son who is growing up and interested in him, thus encouraging the father to make and keep contact. Of course, it would be obvious to "dad" that the card was actually sent by the mom and not the small child. Hmmm, I don't think I've helped you with this dilemma so far. I guess I would weigh both sides out and make the decision I thought was best for the child. I mean, if I think the dad is a "bad influence" and that he wasn't going to stay connected anyway, I might choose not to do the card. If I think the dad is basically a "good person" (whatever that means in today's society) and has every intention of following through with being a father to the boy, I'd probably go ahead and do it. Take care, Ellie. Huggles.
@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi PearlGrace, I have sent the card but this guy really isn't bothered at all about his son, he left before he was born and just pops in or calls as and when he feels like it, he doesn't support him financially at all and when I threatened to get CSA involved to get something towards he gave up his job, which is what I mean by a waste of space. I don't want my son being picked up and put down all his life and being hurt by this guy but he is his dad so until my son can decide for himnself I will send and then hopefully they can sort at a later stage. I never bad mouth him in front of my son as that would be unfair. I just give him extra love and huggles on the days he mentions missing his dad. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Sep 08
Hello Ellie. It sounds like you have a very well-thought-out plan, when it comes to your son and his father. And that is a good thing. You are no doubt a great mom and your son will be okay whether he has his dad in his life or not. Children are resilient little creatures and can weather many storms. Take care.
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@guybrush (4662)
• Australia
24 Sep 08
Morning Ellie! I think even if your son's Dad is a waste of space, it would make YOU feel good to send a card. Seeing as it's on your little lad's behalf and he still asks for his father, it will be nice to tell your son when he grows up that you always made sure to send a card on his behalf. Then he can make up his own mind whether to send one himself if he chooses. It's horrible this man doesn't acknowledge your son's birthday - but you are the bigger man by choosing not to be petty. At least you will always be able to say you encouraged your son to acknowledge his Dad. It will be lovely if your son does most of the card himself, and this might just touch his father's heart. You never know!
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@ellie333 (21029)
29 Sep 08
Hi Guybrush, I have sent a card from my son, he drew in it and yes when he is older he can decide for himself, meanwhile I will keep lines of communication open so I can't be accused of keeping his dad from him eh. Huggles. Ellie :D
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@guybrush (4662)
• Australia
29 Sep 08
Good for you, Ellie! You've done exactly the right thing, and your son will thank you for it when he's older and can appreciate how hard it would have been for you. It shows you are a truly good person with a wonderful heart. (Which we knew already!) Bless.
1 person likes this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
24 Sep 08
really.. if you continue to encourage yer son to keep trying with a father that really doesnt give a damn about the boy at all.. yer only assisting the jerk in hurting him. my eldests sperm donor didnt want anything to do with her either, so i do understand the situation and what it feels like to have the child you love hurting because those who really should care, just dont. my advice is not to add to the inevitable pain, and dont set him up for more disapointments and heartache.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
24 Sep 08
Hi Tessa, I knew I could rely on you for a straight honest answer. It is hard when you see the little ones hurting because of a sperm donor who has never bothered but who should have bothered. He knew my son was starting school but hasn't even bothered to enquire how he is getting on. My daughters think that my son is better off without him in his life anyway because of the way he has just picked up and put down as and when it suits. I don't want it to appear like I have encouraged no contact either though bt yes gut feeling says to not bother even though part of me feels like I should ask my son whether he wants to or not, but long term effects from that if no response to his card from daddy far worse eh! Thanks. Huggles. Ellie :D
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@tessah (6638)
• United States
25 Sep 08
dont stop contact if he initiates it.. but dont you initiate it either. if he bothers around.. let him. supervised of course.. then he cant in the future say " yer mom wouldnt let me" as his reasonings when yer son asks him (and he WILL ask him) why he wasnt around. let be what is.. dont alter it good or bad. the reality will be revealed to yer son as he grows up. and you wont be the bad guy in any of it.. and he will always be able to have faith in you.
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@MsTickle (24976)
• Australia
8 Oct 08
Hmmm a hard call. I know you are thinking about not sending things ...other wise you would not start the discussion and I think you can always trust your gut instincts Ellie...you have a knack for these things. BUT....it might hurt your sons feelings if he has to stop. He is still to little to understand the intricacies of it all. I think it is wrong for his father to let him go on thinking everything is fine...Dad doesn't care like he should obviously but how do you explain this to the child? I would let it go. If your son asks , just say .."Well sweety, your Dad hasn't been in touch so maybe he is forgetting about us...that's ok, we have each other"...you know the thing, something appropriate. Good luck.
@ellie333 (21029)
8 Oct 08
Hi MsTickle, Well I did send the card and my son wrote inside it but we have had no acknowledgement again ffrom his dad so unless my son asks to send one at Christmas I don't think I'll bother, picking him up and putting him down like this is hurting my son and when he grows up I will say I tried for a while on his behalf and he will have to confront his father. My son has a lot of love around him but this person is so selfish that they seem incapable of even ringing and saying hi so to expect a relationship with his son I suppose is asking too much eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
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@anonymili (3140)
30 Sep 08
Very difficult one this but personally if I were in your situation I would leave it. Easter was 6 months ago and he hasn't been in touch since then. I have a friend whose children are both grown up now and their father started off not remembering their birthdays or Christmas pressies and over the years they decided if he couldn't be bothered to remember them why should they make the effort for him. After all, he is the adult and the parent - it is far more important (in my opinion) for a parent to remember these things rather than for a child to remember these things and then to think later "I remembered to send daddy a card for birthday/xmas/etc, why has he forgotten me?" If you don't send on behalf of your son, it might actually jolt his dad into thinking that he is the one who will be losing out if he doesn't make regular contact with his own flesh and blood...
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Oct 08
Hi Anonymili, I don't know how I missed this response so apologies for late reply. I have now in fact sent the card but as expected his dad didn't bother to ring him to say thank you or even email or text me to say he had received. Like I said 'waste of space'. I am not going to bother anymore now unless my son wants to make a card for daddy at Christmas I will probably not mention it. Huggles. Ellie :D
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