My Night of Overwhelming Sadness and Grief

@MOMMASAM (1004)
United States
September 28, 2008 1:22pm CST
for those that know me well, i work part-time at the local crisis center. most nights i walk out of there feeling that i made a difference in some people's lives. i gave the right response to them. i gave the right inforamtion to them. i got the right people, or agency to help them. i triaged an urgent call the appropriate way. last night was one of the few times i have left feeling only sadness and grief. so overwhelming was it, that i still cannot shake it many hours later. i had to get the state police and the corner for a 4-day old infant. let's use his nickname: toby his parents taped toby's pacifer to his mouth and face. i'm assuming this was so he would not lose it during sleep and wake them. well, after many hours, the tape became soaked (so says the coroner) and the tape migrated to cover his nose. let me ask this: when you receive or experience off-the-charts news, how do you handle it? do you become quiet and wrap yourself in "cotton" until you CAN process it? do you simply slough it off as oh, well, people are stupid. do you try to rationalize it? are you most times, even able to process it? i said a prayer last night for little toby. i also said one for his parents. they need prayers, too. today, i still feel shell shocked. any suggestions?
6 people like this
9 responses
@1hopefulman (33610)
• Canada
28 Sep 08
Personally I would not be able to do your job, I'm too squirmish (spelling ?) when it comes to blood and seeing people in pain. So I must say THANKS A MILLION that we have people like you to help us when we need medical attention. I can't give advice on handling the heart-braking situation that you experienced and had to face. But, you may need some time off to recuperate. You may need some coping counseling. But please, don't give up your job as you are very much needed and appreciated by some of us who are ever so thankful that people like you exist.
5 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
thank you. i know i am appreciated, and i've stated that most nights i leave work feeling i DID make a difference. and knowing that makes all the difference in the world. yes, i get the coroner, but i don't have to experience what he does. yes, i get the child & youth services advocate, but i don't have to see the child. i don't have to see the problems, squalor, abuse first hand. my father was a city policeman for 38 years. he helped and guided and supported many in town. that's all i do, really. and, do you know how wonderful it feels to read your words: ...as you are very much needed and appreciated by some of us who are ever so thankful that people like you exist." thank meant a lot to me. thank you.
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (33610)
• Canada
11 Oct 08
You are most welcome. I'm only giving credit where credit is due. Where would we be without dedicated, caring people like yourself? Please continue your fine work. Know that at the end of the day you make a big difference. Thank you!
• United States
28 Sep 08
For me, I pray for all involved and become quiet. It is sad when something happens to a baby or child. A lot of times all I can do is cry. I feel sad for the baby and for the parents. I'm sure the parents are devastated over this and kicking themselves hard. My thoughts and prayers go out to the parents and the other family members and for the baby as well.
5 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
thanks becca. those are truly christian words. it has been very, very difficult o forgive the parents. that is up to the wisdom and mercy of God. but, for me, i think if i don't forgive them it will be worse for me and harder to forget.
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
28 Sep 08
I couldn't even begin to feel the pain and sadness you're feeling. It's overwhelming for me and I didn't handle the problem! You have to first realize that Toby is now an angel beside God, and is in a wonderful world of peace and beauty. If he had remained on earth, it could possibly be that he would grow up in an extremely abusive home. I can't feature any parents taping a pacifier to their baby's mouth. It seems like they were only concerned with being able to get their sleep and not have to worry about the baby crying for food or changing. I can't assume that it would be so he doesn't loose it while he is sleeping. And with a four day old baby, you expect to loose sleep because they need constant care, and the parents are the ones to provide this care... I wish I could be at your side to hug you and make you feel better. I agree that not only the baby needs prayers, but so do the parents. Obviously they are either extremely young or extremely self centered that they can't take proper care of a new born infant! My prayers are also with you, as the grief you are feeling right now has to be enormous!! Any mother will feel that grief...as should any feeling person would feel it too. You will need to take the time it takes to heal, it's as though you have lost one of your own children. In fact it's worse as it is a tiny infant! Your first step towards recovering is posting and asking for people to respond. Keep posting and asking for the people to help you get past this horrible incident! If you need to, feel free to email me and I will help as much as I can. Right now I am in tears because of the enormity of the loss and the sadness!
4 people like this
• United States
28 Sep 08
These parents were obviously not the brightest in the world, but assuming that may be young parents isn't fair. Two of my best friends had their son two years ago, when they were seventeen and they are the most amazing parents in the world. They are better parents than half of adults in this world right now. I just don't think it is right to judge young parents based on the fact that some of them don't do what they are supposed to because there are some out there who bust their behinds to be the parents that they are and to raise their child the right way.
2 people like this
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
29 Sep 08
You're absolutely right about judging young parents. I was wrong as there are fantastic young parents out there! The people that did that to their child are not only lacking in common sense, but also they are extremely selfish to do something like that so that they won't be interrupted! I know when my daughter was that age, I was right there to take care of her needs night and day! I would have never dreamed of taping a pacifier in her mouth so I could get some sleep. Not only do these people need to have their mental capacities checked out, but they also need to be held accountable for their actions!
2 people like this
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
11 Oct 08
Thank you for the best response. It is you who deserves the best!!! You are doing an incredibly difficult job with little or no thanks. When you go to work each night, remember my hugs go with you with much appreciation for the one of the hardest jobs anyone can do.
@syankee525 (6294)
• United States
28 Sep 08
wow. you got a job not many can do. just like nurses, doctors. fireman and cops. i often hear my friends tell me you can't get too close to your cases. but often it;s hard i bet, specaily when it comes to kids. think all you can do is pray for the little boy. i will be praying for him as well but just remember all the good you do for others as well
3 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
thank you for your tender words. yes, issues with children are tht worst. i had often thought that in college i would get into children and youth counseling. i too often can't leave it at work. i see some nights that i have 20 calls for that one on-call advocate. how do they get through it ? sometimes i think the magical draw of working with that kind of counseling ends up being replaced by a stern attitude. that some may see as uncaring. or, they would surely go nuts !
• Lubbock, Texas
28 Sep 08
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it would be alright. The truth is that each person needs to process this type of event in their own way. If you continue to feel like you're not processing it and it's effecting your life, please find a professional to counsel you. Your job is one that I couldn't handle even on a good day. I have to admire you for all you do and the ones you help. I too am saying a prayer for the parents. Whether it was stupidity or selfishness or inexperience this can't be a good time for them.
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
i am processing this finally. as you can see, i haven't been back here to respond until now. i knew the answers are already within me to do this. i was pushing them away in my grief. toby is in heaven now. it's something his parents will never forget ! what about toby's grandparents and their grief ? ? ?
• United States
28 Sep 08
Wow this is a very sad and sickening story,. Made me feel very sick. I feel so bad for the little baby, just born and already his parents are trying to bloke him out.. their sleep is worth more to them, the he was..
2 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
yes, louise. my initial reaction was how flippin' stupid. your sleep was more important. i won't know until the coroner's case is released. i'm sure there will be charges pending !
1 person likes this
@the_evil (46)
• Philippines
29 Sep 08
oh.. thats so sad.. but i think you should hang on.. life goes on no matter what it takes.. dont loose hope.. and prayers...
1 person likes this
• France
29 Sep 08
i feel very upset for you and that poor little baby. Its heartbreaking to think that there are people out there who can't have children and others who have children who don't really want them, lifes cruel sometimes. God bless you and that little sweet baby who is with the lord now
1 person likes this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
i am hanging on. i enjoy helping people. this was already over when i got the initial call. there was nothing i could have done to prevent it from happening. still, it hurts on such a deep, deep level. down at the level: WHAT THE *&*&+# DO PEOPLE THINK level.
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
28 Sep 08
I don't even know how to start this, that is a horrible experience. I just don't know what to say, I am sorry you had to go thru this. What in the world were those parents thinking, that is one of the saddest thing I have heard in a long time.There is no way I could just simply slough this off, I don't think I would ever get over that. I pray for all that is involved and I also pray for you to be able to get thru this. I know it will take an effect on your life. And will take time for you to get back to normal. Take care and God bless you. Little Toby is now in the hands of the Lord.
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
10 Oct 08
i agree my friend. i haven't been around very much. sometimes, no matter what you do or, how sell you do it, is all seems worthless. i had to get beyond that point. thanks my friend, for your sweet words. i love you. sam
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
28 Sep 08
Bless your heart. I could not do your job. I rejoice that you can help people. And I grieve with you at this time for that poor baby. I also wonder what kind of education is provided to parents these days about how an infant will act. I wonder if the baby was crying and they didn't understand why. I wonder why anyone would be giving a baby who is only 4 days old a pacifier. I hope that they didn't do this because the baby was an inconvenience to them or because they were angry that the baby was crying. One that old should have been checked on regularly, and I wonder how long they waited before they checked. So many things go through my mind. And I hope if it is discovered that they were at fault that they will receive some punishment.
1 person likes this