How long have you lasted so far?

Philippines
October 1, 2008 5:40am CST
To those who are married, what was the greatest test you had to hurdle as a couple and how did you manage to get through it? How long have you been married and what makes you stay despite marital difficulties and disagreements? Has there been a point in your life that you wanted out but opted to stay? What were your reasons for staying? Have you ever regretted getting married? Or have thought that you are just probably defending a choice you knew deep inside was wrong? I am contemplating on leaving. But my reasons could be not so valid. Perhaps we are just going through the peak of our fourth year adjustment period and will soon go downhill and things will be better for us again. Maybe i am just being a spoiled brat. Maybe i am being selfish because i could not get what i want in this marriage. I could not go into the details, but i would want to hear stories that could enlighten me and make me think more than twice before taking the exit route.
2 people like this
10 responses
• Australia
1 Oct 08
What the hell, I'll answer. I can't give you any hints, mind you, I've been married and divorced four times, and the longest lasted 4 years and 4 weeks from meeting to break-up. My current relationship, which is a de facto BDSM Master/slave relationship, has already passed my best marriage record and still going strong, but it has become as much a companioonate marriage as a real one, given my health issues. But hey, I congratulate you on your success to date. I can be flip about my failures, but I really envy a couple who can keep it together, keep the love alive despite the ups and downs. I wish you many more years, for as long as you want them. Lash
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
So grandpa, what were your reasons for not sticking to it? Or their reasons for leaving? They could be really reasonable. When one contemplates on leaving, after four years, i think the marriage doesn't sound that successful. I want mine to be though, but just to last long?
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
Wow grandpa, that is some story! Do you have children from any of the four? Well, at least you never gave up. Somehow i believe there were more happy parts than sad. Was getting over easy for you? That's the part that makes leaving so difficult.
• Australia
1 Oct 08
The first was a truly beautiful girl who couldn't keep out of other men's beds. She broke my heart. The second was on the rebound, and I regret the marriage, for her sake, she deserved better. The third was much younger than I, married me because I was an exciting musician, and left because I tried to go "straight" and be a good normal husband. The irony, of course, is that now she is much "straighter" than I. The fourth was the wife from hell, and I still don't like talking about her. That ended 20 years ago, and was the last time I'll go that formal route. A triumph of hope over experience, it seems.
1 person likes this
@Mollyjo (266)
• United States
1 Oct 08
My husband and I have been married for over 15 years now. I can't really just pin point on great test in the marriage cause we have had many. Each marriage does go through so many hurdles and hardships, as well as yes adultry. There are not very many marriages out there that has not had adultry effect them. To me I deeply loved my husband very much inspite of everything we went through. The sad part of it is that marriage is like everyday life once the infatuation is gone and is seems as if ones marriage has become stale or just not much passion there anymore. By the time each couple goes through the normal adjustment stages. Then most of the time you are left with well is it worth it question to stay in or out? To me true love is not the excitement that you have in the beginning of the marriage but yet it is the deepness that you have for the other person. That is where true love comes in. Most people think that marriage is a 50/50 situation but in fact the women usually has to take care of so much more then the male does. Why cause women can do more things at once then a man can. Men only have a one way vision to them meaning that they are only able to accomplish one thing at a time. Plus there is not one person out there that is perfect. No one will ever have the perfect marriage, but it is worth while if both husband and wife do make an effort to communicate and work on the marriage together. Most men are all alike and most women are all alike yes there are some worse then others but, if we were to speak of a decent marriage even though it may be stale or seem loveless. Reality is that is isn't cause love does come from within it is just up to us to show and express ourself to our spouse. Marriage is alot of work to be able to accomplish having a long life marriage. To me was my 15 years worth all of the work, YOU BET! Yes there were times that I questioned regret, staying together, and even thought about divorce myself. Then I realized down deep in my heart why I got married to begin with, it was because I loved my husband and I still do very much! As well as our children that we have together. Now that we have been through the adjustments I don't regret staying but, what I decided was entirely up to me as well as your decision is entirely up to you. No one can tell you if you are doing the right thing or not only you will know the answer to that! Best wishes to you and take care!
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
Your story is an inspiration. It sounds like my parents' marriage too. In as much as i would want to have a marriage like that, i am also holding on to my true self so i won't loose it in the compromises i make. I would like to know if part of loving your husband meant giving up too many things that you want for yourself? How did your husband see this? Did he also have to give up some things for you?
@Mollyjo (266)
• United States
1 Oct 08
I didn't loose my true self in spite of my marriage. Nor did my husband. Plus we didn't have to give up things that we liked or wanted to do. The hobbies that I love to do he helps me with. My favorite is planting flowers in the spring time all over our front yard. I have close to 30 rose bushes so far. I also took an interest in his hobbies as well, which is hunting. I took the time out for him to teach me how to hunt. Now I enjoy hunting so very much, more then I do my flowers. LOL We do alot of activities with our kids. We take them camping, fishing, hunting, they have done football, cheerleading, girl scouts, etc. (we have 4 girls)I know that this sounds too good to be true but, we have had our share of problems. The first year we was married we lost every thing in a fire. Our 3rd daughter has Cystic Fibrosis, and well we lost his mother this year as well. Plus we had to learn how to communicate with one another without it esculating into a huge fight. An easier way to do this is by using a quarter! Flip a coin and ask heads or tails? Then get a timer and set it for 5 minutes and who won the coin toss gets to go first. Listening to the other without interuption for the full 5 minutes. Once the time is up then it is time for the other one to talk. This exercise can be used until the conversation starts to become within reason. It also works on fighting teenagers as well! It not only teaches self discipline but how to listen and communicate as well. If for some reason it starts to esculate into a fight, then you can take a cool off break and try again once every thing is calmed down. I don't really know your situation but, like I said before only you know what you want and what you want to do. I had to learn the hard way that I had to rely on myself not others peoples suggestions. It only made things worse! Cause they didn't see the big picture like I did!
@bbsr13 (4196)
• India
1 Oct 08
Hello,Pinky! I am with my wife for the last 40 years and we are having a good marital status.Never we had experienced any sort of problem in maintaining good relationship.we adjust to each other in all occasions,we respect each others feelings and emotions and never enter into any dispute.Now I am seventy years old and she has also completed her 60th year.So I think we would enjoy our golden jubilee before we retire from this world.I don't find any reason why some people break relationship for no major cause after living together so many years.I don't think they love each other.Thanx.
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
I think it needs more than love. Maybe some don't stay married because they just were not so lucky enough to find the right match for them...or perhaps they just don't have enough patience, or whatever they need to stay married. But you are lucky. Congratulations.
@pehpot (4762)
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
I think every married couple goes through that phase, but believe me it will pass. Me and hubby has been through a lot, we too almost separate, we have gone through a lot of problems, in laws problem, being so possessive and all. well I stick and I also believe that the only reason that I will leave my hubby is infidelity (on his part of course)they say that 7 years is the adjustment year for couples, that is from the time you have been a couple.
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
We hold the same belief that we leave for the reason of infidelity on our husband's part. So far that is not my reason for this contemplation. Yes, maybe this is just the adjustment period. Maybe...
@1hopefulman (45125)
• Canada
2 Oct 08
I hope things will work out for you!
• India
2 Oct 08
marriage is not a total bed of roses. There are ups and downs. That does not mean that at the first hint of a problem, you breakup the marriage. You have got to learn how to tackle problems in marriage. The first thing is to always keep the lines of communication open. Never go off in a huff and stop talking. The second important thing is to try and put yorself inthe shoes of yoru partner and see from her/his point of view and judge yourself and your actions. The third important thing is to be ready to forgive and forget and make a new beginning. NExt take a vacation and get out to a place where the surroundings have a magical effect on you. I have been married for 28 years and many a time we have had tiffs, but still the love is strong. If Iwere to marry again,I would still marry my present wife. I do find other women attractive and long for them at times, but then when I analyse and take a wholistic view, I realise that my wife has so many positive qualities which the other woman does not have. I realise that I am lucky in many ways.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
1 Oct 08
We have been married 24 years, together 26 and all marriages go thru there up and downs. We have had alot of downs but also alot of great times. I think what makes a marriage work and stay together is a combination of things. Love is a needed factor of course but I think one that alot seem to over look is communication. If you cant talk things out then they are never really solved and that doesn't help anyone in a relationship. I also think that there is a time in all relationships that it goes thru your mind if even for a second on leaving. I think if you really love someone all the crap that comes into a relationship and if you are honest, communicate that almost anything can be worked out, if they want it bad enough. I think that is one of the misconceptions, that if you love someone that it just works out and is easy, sorry marriage is anything but easy at some points. Also marriage is not just 50/50 at times it can be 70/30 for either party. We dont know what exactly is going on with you as you said that you cant say, yet you say maybe you are being spoiled or didnt get what you want.. so really think before you leave.
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
1 Oct 08
I am probably one of a few. I've been married for 44 years. We have never had any marital difficulties or bad disagreements. I have never regretted being married to my husband. Life does change when you get married, but it's up to you, as an individual, to give your all and more to the relationship. If you truly love your spouse, you will do ever thing possible to stay with them and develop a happy relationship. Things aren't always a bed of roses,but you just don't up and run when the going gets rough. Communication is usually what is lacking when a couple have major problems. You both need to sit down and talk about what you think is wrong in your marriage and then try to work out those differences. Does your spouse also feel like you? Or have you discussed this at all?
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
2 Oct 08
lord. me and wife been through so much of our 23 yrs of being married. it was my drinking, me getting hurt, then my bipolar, we had cheating we had to deal with too. but i guess we stayed together for love, and our kids sike. now we are even better then ever. our love had grown so much over the years.
• United States
1 Oct 08
These are a lot of questions. I have been married for almost 4 years. I have recently told my husband that I wanted a divorce. We have 3 children total (one is not his and older). We have started to go to counseling and TALK about things and not yell. I stay because I really do love him. I have decided to stay for right now as long as he continues with the counseling. I never really regreted getting married but I do wish we would have waited a bit longer. We had only dated a year when he proposed (or rather I proposed). We were married a couple of months latter. No dress or anything and I think that is what I regret the most. I did not get my day. See my husband is a sailor. He talks like one and is set on a career path. I was a sailor and miss it a lot but I opted to have more children and take a different career path. He has a temper and the term swears like a sailor fits him to a T. He has a tendency to want to do everything at a moments notice. We do not go out anymore. He does not get a babysitter. I got fed up. I sit at home, I clean, I take care of the kids, I cook, I drive the kids everywhere, I do the laundry and I go to school. My husband comes home, says he will do the dishes and he leaves them on the table for me to do in the morning. He volunteers for the search and rescue team and ems for the city, he is getting his pilots license, he has all of this that he does and he just doesn't understand that my house is my prison. I need to go out. I want to go out with him. He keeps his pay check in his account. Any bills that I had before the marrage, I have to pay. At one time he wanted me to find a job but would not give me money to get a babysitter or take a day off so I can find one. I know your frustration. Talk with him. Let him know how you feel. If you think someone needs to be there with you then ask a family member or friend. We are working these things out and this is only my side of the story. Please, if you love him try to work it out.