Just so you know.....GROW UP!

United States
October 4, 2008 8:40am CST
I have a 14 year old son that has had a really hard time with having a relationship with me, his father, and stepmother. Over the years, I never understood what was the matter. He would lie to his dad about me, and lie to me about his dad and step mom. So, we would all constantly fight. Then one day, it occured to me that he was only acting this way because he thought that was what was expected of him! He thought his dad wanted him to not like me, and he thought that I wanted him to not like his dad or step mom. He felt that way because that's the way we showed him by our behavior! I was very young when I had him (not an excuse for my behavior) and his dad and I did NOT end our relationship on good terms. We fought alot and about everything. At times we did get along. But we always ended up fighting again. I just wish people would stop and think about the CHILDREN!!! Yes your feelings might be hurt over the way the relationship ended. You might not like the new person in your kids lives. But, it's NOT the childs fault and it's not up to you or the child on who they pick next to be with. All you can do as a parent is be there for your child no matter what. Do NOT talk bad about the other parent. The child will only resent you for it. Just let your child know how much you love them and that you will love them no matter what! That's all you can do. You will just drive yourself and everyone around you crazy if you try to change what you cannot change. And in the long run you will only teach you child to grow up angry, resentful, spiteful, negative, and unhappy. No good parent wants that for their child. I wish some parents would realize that it's NOT about THEM! It's about the CHILD/CHILDREN! And when you act like that, you make yourself look like an idiot and you are teaching your child all the wrong things! GROW UP!!! Does this make sense to anyone but me? Am I seeing things the wrong way? How do you feel about this?
2 people like this
4 responses
• Japan
4 Oct 08
That is a great explanation on parenting. You are ture that next generation is getting spoiled due to our fighting. The psychological trauma, a child suffers when parents fight each other infront of them is to be experienced and can not be put into words. It is that kind of insecurity which is capable of making them anarchic for the rest of their life. And who is responsible for that? Thanks for more insight.
• United States
4 Oct 08
Thank you for the compliment. I'm not sure I understand your question. I'm sorry. If anarchic mean they don't respect authority then I think the parents are mainly to blame. Children learn from what they see. Correct me if I've mis-understood. Thank you so much for responding. I hope you have a wonderful day!
1 person likes this
@ladygator (3469)
• United States
4 Oct 08
This is a very true acknowledgement. I am glad to see that there are others who also are able to take responsibility for their own actions. The fact that you are able to step back and look at what part you had in the reactions of your son is really great. And your son will actually grow from it as long as he has the openness in his heart and mind to take it. Most likely it wont even be something that you will see until he is older. They take in a lot more than they will let you know about. I do that with mine to. I know how you feel since I have a 13 yr old (almost 12/20) who I had at 19 and so I toted him along with myself as I grew up. And learned a lot through trial and error. One thing that I do think thow is that somehow we all get it eventually as long as we see that we are Parents and this life we have been blessed with is totally dependant on us and will either fail or fly depending in large on what we do with them. Yes I do agree it is about the Children, however you have to love yourself and bless yourself sometimes to be the better parent. Now carrying the belief that you are first is really ignorant I am with you on that. I do wonder how that happens, do you think it has to do with an inadequecy of selfworth?
• United States
4 Oct 08
Yes I think that has something to do with it. But for me I just plain didn't see what I was causing until later. I was hurt because of what he did to me and I wanted to hurt him back. I wasn't thinking about how it was affecting my son. It wasn't that I'm selfish and thought only about myself, I have always put my kids first. I was angry that he ruined our family and then just went on with life like he didn't even care. I think the selfworth thing comes from not feeling like I was good enough for anyone else because of what he had done to me. That man hurt me worse than anyone ever could. I really feel like he damaged me for life. I feel like I could never ever trust anyone again. But even so, my son didn't do it, he did. I can't or couldn't MAKE him stay with me. I could of let go and acted like an adult instead of the way I did and I think my son would be alot better off right now. I wish I knew then what I know now. AAHHHH being a parent is so hard and full of sacrifices. I started another discussion a couple days ago about my old man's ex and I getting along. That's what made me think of this discussion. Everyone thinks it's weird or crazy. It's the way it SHOULD be. And if you can't get along you should still be civil for the children. I know everyone can't have a relationship like ours, but I think a lot of the people fight and bicker just because it seems like that is the "norm". Sad huh?
1 person likes this
@ladygator (3469)
• United States
4 Oct 08
hun, you can only do what you can do. Stop beating yourself up about all your errors. I dont get why we moms run around taking away from what we Are actually doing for our families and placing all the blame on ourselves. I do this so I am just guessing that this is what you do. The hurt and pain caused by your ex was not fair and you did the best that you could do and that was getting out of there. You showed your son more than you can imagine by leaving and putting a stop to the abusive cycle. We have ALL made some pretty crappy choices and unfortunatly it does effect someone close to us usually and the ones the very closest are our spouces and children. You are so much better off for actually noticing what your actions were doing. I am telling you your son is not scarred for life and you can heal also. You cant change what he did and how he was, but you can change how you feel on the inside. I have been working through many personal issues in the last year and I am amazed at my outlook on things and the amount that I am actually loving myself and forgiving myself for all the things that I wish I could take back. One Big thing to remember is that your children ultimatly learn as well from how you treat yourself too. Are you humbling yourself to that better, mature woman. Do you respect and love your self? You are your best friend and that is not selfish in the least. Because this wont even take away from your children or your guy, it only adds. My husband and I have a very special relationship and above all things we Respect each other. We hardly fight at all. We have had 3 fights and thats in the 8 years we have been together. But it was not always like that for me and I am so thankfull that I am here now. But I would not be able to love him and my children the way that I do if I did not love and except myself for who and what I am. I allow the mistakes, the bad days, then I embrace my life being that I am living and a part of this beautiful family that I am blessed with. But it is HARD work everyday, but I just make sure to stay thankful. A qoute I love is "Experiance is your Material" Grow from what you live.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
13 Oct 08
My parents divorced when I was 5 and my Dad remarried within the year. My Mom had several b/f's over the years and eventually remarried, divorced and remarried again. When I was young, I was very aware that my Dad didn't like my Mom and often heard him or my stepmom say "Your just like your mother"...which gave me the idea that they didn't like me much either. With my Mom there was alot of negativity about child support and what a deadbeat he was...again I'd hear at times "your just like your dad"...which made me get even more ideas. As I got older, I just decided that I was me...I look somewhat like both of them and have qualities of both but they made decisions in their lives which are not my fault. I've finally come to accept that I am like my Dad...strong, stubborn and hard working. I'm also just like my Mom...compassionate, caring and thrifty. So hopefully I got good things from both of them. It would be nice though if parents could put their own anger aside and think about their children. [b]~~IN SEARCH OF PEACE WITHIN~~ **AGAINST THE STORMS, I WILL STAND STRONG** [/b]
1 person likes this
@Trace86 (5043)
• United States
4 Oct 08
That is what I was saying in the other discussion about my stepson's mother. She was too afraid that the kid would like being with Dad and me that she made everyone's life horrid. She would leave threatening messages on our answering machine. She was always so hostile. We tried to appease her and all of us ended up wrecking the kid. He ended up in bad boy boot camp after pulling a knife on us. He dropped out of high school. He just sits around and does nothing. If the three of us had been a team, he might be a useful human being.