When is enough suposse to be enough?

@Seppy1984 (2148)
United States
October 5, 2008 11:29pm CST
Ok this discussion came up and about today when my hubby and I got into an argument.Well lets get started in my hubby's family he is the youngest and he has one sister who is 29 and a brother that is 31. Well with his parents they always say that if my hubby or his brother or sister needs a place to go that they can come home. Ok I will say that yes you can take your children in to help them get on their feet, but here is the big problem his sister is staying there again. She has stayed there 3 other times and this time she will most likely not get a place because she cant get gas or electric on because she owes almost 2,500 dollars for both bills. She spends her money the wrong way and get this what is worse is that she is not going to help her parents with rent or bills, not even food. Then there is his brother who has stayed there 3 times and the last time he stayed, he was there for almost 2 years and never paid any bills or help with rent although I will give him credit for buying food to help out.But whats worst about him paying no bills is that one summer his parents literley moved out and stayed at camp for 3 months and they still had to pay the bills during that time. For one no parents should have to move out of their own home and for two he should have paid the bills during that time. I hope you all agree with me. My hubby has not yet had to move in and he is 24. So he had the bright idea saying that my problem is that my parents dont help my siblings or me out. That is where the line ended...I told him that they help us but it does not mean that we should depend on them as adults. I told him that his parents are wrong and way too insane for doing this. What is your opinion? Was I wrong for telling him that his parents are wrong for allowing their children to depend on them like this? Or is he wrong for saying that my parents dont help me or my siblings out? Well all resposes are welcome and they will help me to understand what is right and what is wrong.
2 people like this
9 responses
@redkathy (3375)
• United States
6 Oct 08
First let me say that you are 100% correct "I told him that they help us but it does not mean that we should depend on them as adults." I am so shocked that you would post this because hubby and I live this scenario!! My husband's brother, 44 and sister 50, both live with their mother. She pays all the bills! His brother is having a rough time and just moved in. His sister has been there for years. They both work. My mother in law fell in June and broke her hip. She was in the hospital, then nursing home/rehab. She still paid all the bills and when one got messed up because she was gone, my sister in law complained to her mom while she was laying in the hospital bed!!! At the end of August we she got her out of there and guess where she went, to my house!! She stayed here for a month. I cared for her, built her up as best I could. She went home Saturday. My husband is outraged that his siblings take such advantage, especially his sister. His mother knows and agrees but does it anyway, like it doesn't matter. I think how could anyone do that to their parents?? How could anyone be so selfish! I always help my kids and they are both in their 20s. If I think they are taking advantage, or being unappreciative, they get cut off! You and your husband should be proud for being responsible adults. His siblings should take a lesson from him. You know, sometimes parents do what they do because they feel that their kids need something more. You should always think what you would and would not expect your husband to say about your family before you speak about his because he family is to him what your is to you, right or wrong. And he should do the same! I think the insane thing was too much. You could simply disagree. And to his comment about your parents you could have sited times they did help. After all neither of you are doing the wrong thing so why should you fight, right?
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Yes you are right about us should not be fighting. I will keep your resonse in mind next time so we dont argue over about each other's family. I know that I am very proud of our selfs for being really responsible adults. I feel that I want to do what is right so my children will grow up wanting to be reaponsible when they get older. Right now I dont have to worry about them being responsible because they are only 2 years old and 5 months old. I am so glad that I took the time to read your response because I now understand both sides of our points.
@redkathy (3375)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Generally speaking, children are products of their environment. They watch and don't always understand... that is when problems can occur for them later. Please don't let them hear/see you all argue about other family members or they might get the wrong ideas about their own family. I've seen that way too often. Good luck with those babies and best wishes
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Thank you for giving me good advice and I will do that for now on because I dont want my children getting the wrong idea. Thanks for your great advice and Happy MyLottig.
@emarie (5454)
• United States
6 Oct 08
listen, i do agree with you. i don't believe grown children should leach off their parents just because they said so. they're pretty much taking advantage of the situation. if i was that concerned about it, it would bypass the husband and talk to the parents. ultimately, its their decision and you can only look from the sidelines and make sure YOUR kids don't do the same for you. when i met my husband he was back into living with his mother. he was there for a few years. i know his parents told him he didn't need to contribute much, but i'm sure he did. it wasn't until he met me where he decided to move out cause we were getting married and i was moving to another state. in a way, i think his mom was glad about that fact. i do think it was wrong of your husband to make the remark about your parents. i'm the youngest of my family, i know my mom says the same thing, that i'm always welcome back home. i mean, parents say that, its programed into their head. my sister (the middle child) is still living there, BUT she does pay bills but no rent. she pays the cable, internet and electricity i think. i know my mother is still paying mortgage on the condo. but that comment was a bad decision on his part. he should apologize for that.
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Thank you finally some relief knowing that my hubby was wrong for his comment, I just needed that extra support on rather I was right or wrong. I wish he would apologize but he feels he should not have to till I say sorry first. I'm so proud of your sister with helping to earn her keeps for being able to stay with your mom. Thank you so much for your great opinion and Happy MyLotting
@emarie (5454)
• United States
6 Oct 08
men are stubborn and hard headed and i don't think he'll apologize anytime soon. i don't think from what you told me, that you made any hurtful remarks. but you should talk to him about it in a calm organized, nonthreatening fashion so you both can come to some type of understanding. good luck though and i'll root for ya.
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
That they are, my mom even taught me to know that all men are stubboren...lol and thank you for your encouragement. Happy Mylotting
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Here is my side: Things happen. Sometimes family has to rely on other members for shelter, money, food etc due to circumstances that they can not control. However, sounds like your brother-in-law and sister-in-law didn't get the right kind of help. Yes, their parents let them stay in their home. That is fine. However, while they were staying there a few things should have happened: the parents should have taught them about how to use their money wisely, made they help out in some way and provide proof that their debt was being paid off. I am sure if you guys needed help you could go to your family for help, even if it was just a place to stay for a few days.
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Thanks for the rsponse. I do agree with all you had to say I know that it's not my bussiness but I feel that they are being used, but I dont want them mad at me if I tell them how I feel. I will say my parents had allowed me to stay at their house and I was back on my feet after a month I was so happy knowing that I was able to do thing for myself. Thank you and Happy MyLotting
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I fyou feel that they are being used, you should say something. They may feel that way too and may not know what to do about it.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Oct 08
I strongly agree with you. When you are old enough to drink you are too damn old to be leeching off of your parents. I'm nineteen and I don't earn much money so now and then I have to ask my parents for help - but I live away from them and I work hard to try to be as independent as I can while going to school full-time. It really bugs the crap out of me to hear about adults, especially at that age, that are constantly leeching off of their parents. At sixteen when I got my first job I had to start paying rent - not much, only like $20/mo but still, I paid it.
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I so agree with the part you wrote about being old enough to drink then you are too old to be leeching off your parents. I also will agree that when I was 16 I helped buy stuff that the household needed like shampoo and such stuff like that. I feel that they raised me and bought the stuff that I wanted, that I can help out and doing that, is what teaches us good responsibilities. I know I spelled that wrong. Thank you so much for sharing and Happy MyLotting.
@rusty2rusty (6769)
• Defiance, Ohio
26 Oct 08
I don't think his parents are wrong for allowing their adult children to come back. I do hwoever think they should set limit. Such as paying some renta nd helping out with teh bills. Even it it is for the parents top place in an account to help pay the daughters bills off to get her out quicker. Everyone needs help sometimes, if you can't depend on family to help you out. Than who can you depend on? It sounds like your husband parenst are enablers. They allow their children to take avantage of them like that.
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
26 Oct 08
Yes that is how I'm getting the outlook, I did tell my hubby that I was sorry for being to harsh, I just feel that they are not teaching them to grow up. Thanks for stopping and Happy Mylotting
1 person likes this
• Defiance, Ohio
26 Oct 08
It doesn't sound like they are teaching them to grow up. But after a ceertain age you really can't say anything but be there for them. I think that is what they are doing. I do hope the situation gets better and your in laws learn how to support themselves.
• United States
6 Oct 08
People make mistakes. Even adults. They sometimes mis-spend their money and end up with no home. And even as grandparents, your children are still your children; and you take care of your children. What kind of parent would they be if they forced their daughter to live in a home with no electricity nor gas, and probably not water or food? Life is a learning experience. One has to learn to be responsible, which does require a little pushing by the parents, but is not always just as easy as saying "no" to son or daughter. If the son and daughter are causing no harm to the parents, I see no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to live there. It can improve the family bond. And who's to say the parents don't want them there? It could cure their loneliness and releive their need to be parents and take care of their children. The parents are getting something out of it, albeit not something that most people would call a good deal; but again it's up to the parents to decide if it's a fair trade. If they become a burden, which is solely up to the parents, then they should be forced out. As for living with someone, it's a mutual agreement where nothing matters other than if the people living together agree with the conditions.
@Seppy1984 (2148)
• United States
6 Oct 08
My problem is that the other 2 childen who are old enough to know that they need to pay bills or should not eat out all the time and they use their parents. My mom has even seen this a number of times. But I'm going to say that your right because yes bonding is great for families and yes it is their decisions. But at the long run I dont totally agree with your response or how they parent their children. Well thank you for responding and I hope you dont take my comment the wrong way.
7 Oct 08
ur not wrong on that cuz if they make their bed they should lay in it y do they keep paying their bills? They will be doing that for the rest of their lives and its time to draw the lineif they dont u dont stay PERIOD!!!!!
@glords (2615)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I personally think that his parents are hurting their daughter more than they are helping her. They are enablers who are allowing her to fail. If she didn't have a safety net, perhaps she would try harder not to fall. However, I don't think that its your place to criticize his parents for their style of parenting. It is their daughter, their house, and their money. They are adults and have the ability to make their own decisions. If they choose to let their daughter use them as a door step, that is their right. It is never right to criticize your husbands family, and he should not criticize yours either. Thats just my opinion, hope it didn't offend anyone.
• India
6 Oct 08
Firstly I think that his parents are not wrong, but his brother and sister are wrong and are misusing the facility being afforded by his parents. They shoud lrealise tht ther isa limit to which parents will help and if you abuse that help, tomorrow it might close. Your parents are also not wrong as it makes you more careful in running the affairs of your life. You know that you have got to stand on your own feet. However, despite that they say, if yougo to themthey will alwasy welcome you. Th most improtant thing si that why should you quarrel over this? There is no need. You lead your life the way you want and do nto be dependent on either of the parents.