Getting back into dating ... HELP

@ebsharer (5519)
United States
October 7, 2008 8:21am CST
So my divorce is started at least we are now in our waiting period (thank you PA for the extra 90 days ... yes sarcasim there) So I have been asked out a few times. I can say its very flattering that a few people we hoping I'd end up divorced LOL! My issues is what is a date any more? I mean really my soon to be ex husband and I never really dated we just jumped in full force and that was 5 years ago. Before that I guess I dated but not a lot. When I did date it was 'group' dating partly because we were all friends and partly because there was always some thing going on and people I or he knew were there. So my question is how do you date? What do you do? How do you know if you should pay or let him? When do you call after a date or do you at all? Any advice on this will be appreciated! Please don't tell me its too soon to date I know it is, but I need some thing to occupy my time other then cleaning my house and doing laundry! Thanks in advance!!!
4 responses
@grammasnook (1877)
• United States
7 Oct 08
How do you know when to pay? so okay I am old fashion I always had the guy pay lol but I do know that in todays world it maybe dutch. I would just see if he picks up the bill if not reach into your purse for the money, at that point if he is a true gentleman then he will say oh no I have this. .. I would think dinners, movies and much other activites would be a date. Have fun and good luck! just one bit of advice do not jump in too quick again. Have fun with it
2 people like this
@granmeme (162)
• United States
7 Oct 08
In today's world dating can get very expensive fast. I think most women assume they will be paying their share most of the time. If he says no thats ok. I have a friend that has been dating the same person for a long time and she still pays for half or they talk about who pays what. I think when a women pays her part she is stating her independence and that she is not obligated to the man in any way. But their are still soome old fashioned guys out their that will insist on paying for everything and in that situation go with it.
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5519)
• United States
8 Oct 08
Grammasnook - Thank you ... I agree about the paying part. Don't jump in too quick - I know believe me I do. I really need to occupy my night alone time. I can't sit in the house every Friday and Saturday night just because I'm not married any more. And while the company of my girlfriends is helping most of them are in relationship or married so now I'm the outsider. Its just nice to have some one to talk or dance with while every one else is cuddeling and kissing (YUCK LOL)
@jands1 (835)
• United States
8 Oct 08
I'm not even going to read others' responses until I type my own so I'm not influenced by others. ebsharer, there is nothing wrong with you going out on casual dates just so long as you won't have any trouble, legally. Casual dating will be a band-aid to a bruised ego. Does wonders to be told how beautiful you are, and to realize that you are desired. However, I do recommend that you are super clear up front with anyone that is interested in you for a date that you explain you are not looking for anything more than an activity partner (or whatever you want). You do need the time to heal from the broken marriage. As for paying, I'm soooo grateful I live in the South as a woman. But, in essence, dating rules roll something like this: Whomever initiates the date, pays. 1. If dating a person, as a female, it is nice to 1/3-1/5 of the time to pay. 2. While accepting the date, figure out the best way for you to be clear about whom is paying. I usually say, "Oh, yes. I would love to go to the Aquarium with you. Is this your treat or mine?" This way if they wanted Dutch, I know. And if they asked me out and say, "Your treat" I know that they will probably wish to leech as much money from me as possible. Once again, it's a Southern thing. 3. Do not accept a "last minute date". OK let me explain this. If it is after Wed, let us say, 8p, and you get called for a Fri nite date, the answer is, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I have plans that night. I wish you had called earlier." This works on a few levels. a) You aren't waiting around for a life, you have one. b) Prompts the "Sperm Competition" in males. That is to say, "Oooh other's desire her. I want this prize." Like it or not, our base instincts are there. And if it's someone you do want to date, indicate, "Well, I'm free (day). What about then?" 4. You are a beautiful, wonderful person ebsharer. You deserve better than a Mon-Wed night date, barring any special events or once you are dating a person regularly. Those nights are reserved for, "Oh well, yeah...she's OK. I'm bored so I figured I'd take her out then. But I'm saving the real date nights for someone better." 5. Don't meet up for drinks for a first date. People say and do the stupidest things.... 6. Arranging for friends to "accidentally" bump into you while on any of the first three dates is bad. The amount of pressure this puts on the other person is daunting. Plus the pressure on you. What if you really like the person but he is wearing blue and your best friend hates blue? 7. When first coming out of a relationship that had any substance, do fun things that are casual. Go for coffee. Go to the zoo. Picnic in the park. 8. Don't date. OK this sounds odd after all this, but do more of a "hang out" rather than that all pressure/formal date thing. See #7 for ideas. 9. While the idea of him picking you up from your home is romantic in theory, don't. Meet in a public place at a designated time. What if he is a really clingy guy that you just don't hit it off with? Or worse. 10. Keep some mystery. That is to say, if you are out of a one night stand, let it all go. Otherwise, spilling one's guts and having the other person know every intimate detail about you can be...off setting to say the least. Humans are curious by nature. It's how we managed to thrive as a species. Keep him wanting more. Hold back just a little. ;) And when you touch on negative aspects of your life/past, phrase things as positive as possible. 11. Before meeting your date, be sure you tell at least two trusted people. It's just like back when you were a teen and Mum wanted to know who, what, where and for how long. Also, should you hit things off well with the person and say decide you wish to talk more or extend the date for whatever reason, that you contact your two trusted people so they don't worry about you. 12. Cellphone. Carry one with you. For a few reasons. Let's start with the first date. a) Out clause. Have a friend give you a ring around a designated time. If things are horrible, you can "happen" to be digging in your purse for something and see that there was or is a call. Then, "Oh no! I have to dash. I'm very sorry. I had a lovely time. I will call you." Code for, "No thanks." b)Any other emergency such as car breaking down, your date is a weirdo, etc. c) Ringer off. Don't answer. It is so unbelievably rude to do so. Basically it is saying, "No matter who it is on the other end, they are 100% more important than you, your time, etc." Oh, and ditch him if he answers his unless he has an Emergency Related Job or kids. And it had better be one of those two when he answers. Now, for regular dating. a)All the above reasons. b) Dependant upon how long you two have been dating will determine how relaxed you get about answering calls. 13. Calls after date...this gets tricky. I recommend for a Fri nite date, contacting late Sun afternoon if by email or text message ONLY, "Had fun the other nite! Thanks". Mon if calling. Add a day if a Sat date. If playing "hard to get", and he calls the next day/nite. Don't answer. But return his call within six hours. You don't want to seem that unavailable. LOL As for what to say, well, keep it short and sweet. "Just calling to say that I had a great time (day). I really enjoyed (aspect)." Then shush. Let him talk. If he talks and agrees, once he is done show your availablity to another date with something as casual and simple as, "We should get together again soon. Maybe (activity)? Let me know OK?" Shush again. If his response is positive (tone and words) then it's time to be mystery woman and toss that ball in his court. "OK well, I have to go now. Give me a call OK?" Shush. His response. Your response is now "Have a great (night/day)! Goodbye." And hang up the phone once you two have said your sign offs. So balls in his court. You aren't pushy. You have shown interest. If he choses to not call, his loss. And you have to have that attitude. If he calls back a month later...forget it. He's "The Vanishing Man". Let me think....there is so much more but MyLot keeps freezing up because I put so much in here. If I think of anything else, or you want anything explained more, etc. Just let me know hun. *hugs*
@jands1 (835)
• United States
8 Oct 08
What I meant by legal problems is that most states still have old adultery laws on the books. Particularly Southern states and Colony States. Imagine my friend's now ex-husband's face when he was arrested in a compromising position under a law that states adultery is in fact illegal and an arrestable offence. ;) Not that anyone tipped off the cop to what and where he was....*whistles innocently* But enough is enough, especially when he was using HER money to pay for such...things. I'm super glad to hear that you are enjoying yourself and enjoying your new single status. I love being single and am not looking forward to the aspect of marriage whereas I have to account to another person, "Huh? I don't know. I just wanted to go for coffee after work and then I lost track of time chatting. Sorry I didn't call and I made you worry Mum, err...honey." LOL I think in the end, the only thing that matters is that you are happy. There is no "right" or "wrong" way for everything. Especially relationships. I spent my teen years pestering anyone over the age of sixty in the village I grew up in to find out what it took for a sucessful long term union, how did they meet, how long did they court, etc. Turns out many people met and knew within twenty-four hours they were to be married. Another couple didn't wed for ten years. All in all it just showed me that so long as nothing is forced, just go with the flow, keep your mind, heart and soul open to what the universe has to offer you, keep negative people out of your life so there is room for positive people say, "I love you" to family, hug often, hold hands, and oh yeah, don't be shy about having a slice of cheesecake. :D
1 person likes this
@jands1 (835)
• United States
8 Oct 08
DOH! Thank you so much for best response! Squee!
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5519)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Well I am lucky to say that I don't have to worry about the adultry laws here. Besides at the point we are at in the divorce it wouldn't matter any way. All the settelment and custody agreements are signed we are just going through the waiting period. So far I am liking the single life again BUT I know its going to get old fast for me. I really enjoy being in a relationship. Some day I will find that real one. On a side note: You said that people you have talked to said they knew with in the first 24 hours. With my ex husband I honestly knew just looking at him. I litteraly looked at him and said to my friend see that guy there in the black shirt I want him. I knew that moment I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Its a shame he didn't agree for long. I thought forever ment for ever he thought forever ment 5 years!
@ladybug565 (2217)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I think if you feel you are ready it is never too soon. I cant really help you but I just want to say good luck and I hope that you find someone really special. I have been single for a year now and I have been asked out alot. I am planning on going out again soon. anyway good luck.
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5519)
• United States
10 Oct 08
No I don't think I'm really ready BUT I also know that the best way to get over him is to start over. So off I go. I have been on a few dates already and know that I am having fun but its nothing long lasting. Long lasting will come in time.
@cher913 (25895)
• Canada
7 Oct 08
then get a hobby! seriously, if you feel that you need to date, just go out for coffee or stuff like that. take turns paying so no one feels obligated to pay for it. group dating is a great idea because it is casual.
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5519)
• United States
8 Oct 08
Thank you! I'm ready for the the group dating because there is a lot less pressure.