Please Help My Friend

@mjmlagat (3171)
Philippines
October 8, 2008 2:11am CST
We all know that terrible times in relationships sometimes come and go. They can be remedied at times, sometimes incurable. A friend shared to me and asked for my thoughts on a terrible relationship she has been enduring for years now and since I am no expert to this matter, I am here to BEG for your advice. She has been married for eight years now to a man of so many contrasting attitudes: one time he is loving, caring and gentle the next time he becomes rude and arrogant, a part of him is generous but he acts selfishly to the extent that he won't give my friend monetary assistance for her needs (she is unemployed). She loves this man so dearly that although she wants to give up the relationship, she just can't because she doesn't know how and when? They have two kids-- a 5-year old boy and a 3-year old girl. This is just my way of empathizing with her and I hope you can also send your help to her through your thoughts. Thank you so much!
5 people like this
13 responses
@LRB1111 (356)
• United States
8 Oct 08
Hi, I can relate to your friend regarding this situation, and it's wonderful that you are trying to help her. I Can understand how painful such a thing can be. I was involved with a few people who exhibited similar characteristics. One in particular smashed my heart to pieces and I thought I would never recover. But even in the final stages of the relationship I found it hard to let go. If your friend wants to break away from the marriage but can't,it may be because the relationship is taking away her personal power and strength. I know that in this midst of my toxic relationships I was not able to see things as clearly as I do now. The children of course should be the main focus and in the relationship between her and the father is harming the children then something must be done to change the situation. Maybe this man is not strong enough to change the situation that is harming her emotionally (and hopefully not physically). She should not have to do it for him. If removing herself (and the kids) is not an option then I think that she and maybe a trusted friend such as yourself, should sit down and really think about what needs to be done in order to improve the situation. What needs to be said? Maybe her husband needs to be given an ultimatum? Or maybe he could sit down and be a part of the discussion when he is in receptive mood. Maybe he needs to understand how serious this is. She deserves to be happy. She will know when she has had enough. If things continue to get worse then the time is right. There are parts of me that will always love my ex but I knew that the relationship was poisonous and I could not afford to sit around waiting for him to change. He either would or wouldn't and I could not bear to continue suffering while I waited. Neither should she. I am sending healing thoughts, hope, encouragement, and strength her way. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Perhaps this situation is giving her an opportunity to travel another path that will support her better. All of it will work out as it was supposed to in the end.
@mjmlagat (3171)
• Philippines
8 Oct 08
My friend is someone who is kind and generous and submissiove type of wife, and I just pity her because she really does not deserve such unhappiness in life. Thank you for your kind thoughts and the generosity of your ideas. God bless!
1 person likes this
@chengbeb (285)
• Philippines
8 Oct 08
There's actually no right and wrong time for giving up on a relationship. But before she does, I suggest she think long and hard. I understand that her husband doesn't provide for her, has she tried to talking to him about it? If so, what did he say? At this point if things aren't really going well it would be advisable that she pack up and leave. This is not the right way to treat a wife. Your friend might be unemployed now but I'm pretty sure that she's intelligent and she can find a job. Being married to this jerk has it's advantages. She can always ask for child support. But she has to make sure also that she can support the kids without her husbands help.
@mjmlagat (3171)
• Philippines
8 Oct 08
I have been telling her that but you know as a friend, I also respect her decision so all I could do is to enlighten her a bit on her current situation. Maybe she has given up to the selfishness of this man. Thanks for your thoughts.
• South Africa
8 Oct 08
Is she married in community of property? If so she is entitled to half of everything he's got! Taking care of your wife is part of marriage and this man needs to realise what he has and at the same time I'd say the woman needs to seek employment because some things can't be fixed and she needs to be prepared however they should try to resolve their problems first.
@mjmlagat (3171)
• Philippines
8 Oct 08
Yes, and I believe she needs to find employment first if she really decides to pursue with the separation. Thanks for the response!
@SaintAnne (5453)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Why won't the husband give his own wife money if she needs it? What if she needs the money for their kids? I think your friend needs the support of her friends, her own family and other areas where she could get support from in this time of her life. I don't really know what else to say especially considering that there are very young kids involved but if he's physically, verbally and emotionally abusing her, then she should think about herself and how that would affect her kids. I hope things turn all right for your friend.
• China
9 Oct 08
I always believe that the couples must respect each other.Their positions are equal. The women all hope finding a man who can love her for ever. I think the woman should search for a man who love you instead of the man you love , but he never love you. I know your friend love her husband very much. But it is a wisdom way to leave from him. The man does not care of her at all. maybe the man does not love her any longer. Your friend should look for another real love and choose another happy life.
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
9 Oct 08
Well I guess if there is still love that is left with her then maybe she could try telling his husband to allow her to work so that she can buy things that she thinks she needs. If the husband does not want then maybe she can now justify to her husband the need to give her money for her personal needs. If she's planning of separating then it is imperative that she should have a job to be able to proved to court that she can provide for her children or else her husband might claim that he can take custody of their children because she is incapable supporting her children. So don't rush into divorcing if you are not ready to be independent.
@ddp_dev (184)
• India
9 Oct 08
thank you
• Japan
9 Oct 08
This is exactly what I had in my previous relationship! Here's the catch - your friend should need to learn how to be an island! If she's all like what she is right now, she'd portray a needy person and her husband would care less and less and respect going down. But if she starts to rotate for herself alone (or maybe with her kid) w/o needing or caring too much with her husband; the hubby would wonder what happened to her! It is kinda hard understanding men but really if you made them your life, they'd bail out! Cool off is a best solution to your friend; she has to find a job first! Needy girls are girls you see in Jerry Springers!! hahaha..those unemployed needy housewife would teach their husband to cheat and find another woman. She has to be an island and become self-reliant!
• United States
9 Oct 08
I know from personal experince what she is going through. I am sorry to hear about it. I am still going through it myself. As i am too not working. This is how i deal with it. When he gets into his rude mode i just go to another room and just ignore him. He will soon realize he's being a butt. I am working online so that soon i can go on my own and not have to worry about him and what people think of me just leaving. When she gets the courage to leave she will do so. I know that it is hard to deal with, but she will come to her senses and do like i do. Ignore him, I tell him not ask that i need personal things, then he looks at me and i tell him that i am going to get them. She needs to stand up for herself. But i really do feel for her. I am going through the same thing.
@leahsfrog (120)
• United States
8 Oct 08
Is he abusive? Is he letting his responsibilities go undone? Are his children clothed, happy, fed and housed? I must be missing something because I am not seeing anything in your statement that is any different than what most typical people go through in marriages. I know at times I have been rude to my husband as he has me. What is it that he is not supporting financialy? Are the bills being paid? Are there groceries? Is everyone getting their doctor checkups on time? What exactly is he refusing to support? Everyone has many moods and contrasting attitudes. Honestly, you have provided too little information and what you have stated does not sound like a basis for a divorce. If I villanized my husband every time he said a cross word to me we would have divorced in the first two weeks. Like I said I might be missing the true grasp of the situation so if you can answer the questions i have posed I can give you a better opinion. In the end though it is only my opinion.
• China
8 Oct 08
I want to know your husband still love her.Maybe her husband has some other thinking.In my opinion,your friend must communicated thoughts with her husband and find the source of the problem firstly.At the same time,she may find a job to deal with the monetary problem.If she cant put up with her husband ,she had better divorce.
@super_jj (1417)
• Philippines
8 Oct 08
Sound like Bipolar personality to me. I'm a psychologist, but i really cant diagnose his behavior based only on descriptions. Maybe he needs psychiatric help. If your friend really does love her husband that much, she could try to help him and seek professional help. Or if she really needs to divorce him, she could seek professional advice about possible grounds for divorce (mental health of her husband, maybe).
@celticeagle (118255)
• Boise, Idaho
8 Oct 08
Is her husband going through a bad time? Has this been his personality all along? Has he physically harmed her or the two kids? I would get her to seek counselling. The counsellor can help her seperate what is normal from all of this. Help her to cope with it and help her to see what help can be given.