What do you do when you support others but they don't support you?

@mommyboo (13198)
United States
October 15, 2008 11:09pm CST
This is a reoccurring rant for me. Initially I felt bad about even saying it, but now I don't. I bet there are more of us who feel this way so it needs to be said. Now I try to be supportive of my friends. If they invite me to things, I really try to go. If they or their kids are selling something or trying to fundraise, I try to buy at least SOMETHING. Soooo.. WHY is it that when it comes time for all those people that *I* have supported time and time again to support ME and they don't do it? It is very frustrating and very depressing, and I don't CARE that the economy is bad, there are times when it wasn't a good idea for me to spend an extra ten bucks either but it didn't KILL me. Anyway, what can you do about something like this? Totally withdraw your support from people? I have a hard time doing that in general because I always feel that you should treat others the way you want to be treated! I don't know, maybe there's not very many people left who operate under that principle any more. It's very disappointing and it makes me both sad and angry. I don't want things to deteriorate because I want my daughter to see the same world I did when I was growing up.
4 people like this
15 responses
• United States
16 Oct 08
As frustrating as it can be, I think you should be the bigger person and continue to give support where it's needed. After all you want to be a positive role model for your daughter, because you are right that you should treat people the way you want to be treated. I guarantee that if you continue to graciously give support, eventually the recipients of your support will start to feel guilty about not reciprocating. Keep on doing the right thing!
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
One can always hope, right? I see my glass as half full, I guess maybe I just need to keep meeting more people too.
16 Oct 08
Such a hot topic! People are very selfish and just don't care about others except when it's convenient for them. I've had candles parties and had a friend show up with the excuse I can't afford anything. I knew this wasn't true, it was just an excuse to be there to see what's going on. Then, this friend had a party and I went out of my way to get her orders to get her over the five hundred dollar mark. She could of became a rep under me but chose not to. A short time later I was told by her she signed up under someone else. She did not talk to me about it. I got the excuse "well, you weren't sure if you were giving it up so I went with someone else". I didn't get the respect of her talking to me about it to see where I stood. It was such a slap in the face and very hurtful. There are many examples of this with this person. I had to step back from her wedding due to personal issues and was treated like garbage because of it. Acting all concerned the first day then being ignored the next and then for weeks on end. Of course I'm the bad guy in all this. I apologized but it didn't matter nor did it make a difference. Ranting and raving about me to her family was another issue that was hard to deal with. It's pretty sad when her only family got in contact with me and gave me a heads up on what was being said. The experience was quite an eye opener. Very disappointing as well. Stand up for yourself and do what's best for you. Don't worry about what others think of you. Since I started standing up for myself I have not had one headache, no migraines or any aches and pains. The stress I unloaded made an amazing difference in my life. You only live once. You have the right to be happy. Make the changes to be happy. You don't need people in your life that stress you out. Be a good friend but know when to step back and say "Enough is enough".
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Hehe. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. I think there are times when before I engage in something, I want to remind the people present that in the future - since I am supporting them - I want to know that they will not just walk away and ignore me lol... it sounds petty put that way but honestly I think some people don't even THINK. I don't need a guarantee. I just need them to think about how they'd feel if I turned my back instead of being where I was.
17 Oct 08
You know when you expect nothing from these sort of people you don't get disappointed. It's nice when they are there for you but if you don't expect it there is no loss. Sure it's lonely but that passes with time. My husband says "The people that matter are always there for you". I surround myself with people that "Matter".
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
I try to think the best of people. I think this is where the disappointment comes. It's why going out of your way for people is often the loneliest thing you can do because you just never know if it's going to pan out or not. In a perfect world, it would because when you do things for people, they would surely give back!
@sharra1 (6342)
• Australia
16 Oct 08
I have been in this situation and it is really hard to deal with it. You get so tired always being the person that everybody leans on and you never get a shoulder to lean on when things are tough for you. After a while the strain gets too much and you either withdraw inwards, which I did, run away from the whole thing or just explode because you cannot take it any more. I never withdrew my support I just protected my inner self from being drained so they got support but limited. Now I have someone I can lean on and it is such a relief to have the flow going both ways.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Thank you. It helps me to know that there are others out here who get treated the same way and feel the same frustration. It really makes little sense to me when you try to do right by someone else but they could care less if they do right by you. Even just a quick 'thank you' or stopping by when you've invited them, or calling or emailing back if you've called or emailed is enough. I usually withdraw from the people in question, but I am usually willing to give them another chance - if the situation comes up. If things truly begin going both ways I will no longer feel this way.
1 person likes this
@sharra1 (6342)
• Australia
19 Oct 08
It is always nice to know that we are not alone. It does help and I you are doing the right thing to withdraw. It is always hard not to help when someone asks for assistance but if they repeatedly do this and give nothing back then it becomes a case of them using you ans that is not right. Thank you for the best response I appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
19 Oct 08
You're quite welcome. As I was reading through my responses, yours just struck a chord with me. I've also read some of your other discussions lately and have enjoyed them. Good to meet you
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
17 Oct 08
I really don't know what to do about this, I am going to go through my friends and do a little house cleaning, I have many on my friends list that are just plain hibernating. I never hear or see anything from them. I don't get that many response from the people on my friends list.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
This isn't related to mylot, if anything this is a pretty nice place to be. I browse discussions in different ways from day to day usually based on topics or related topics. Some friends start more discussions from my interests than others, some start discussions in which I have no experience so I cannot really add anything of value. It just depends what I see here when I log in
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Sorry
@munhozmib (3853)
• Sao Paulo, Brazil
17 Oct 08
Hello, mommyboo. Look, the way you put things make it seems like you only have your friendships because you want people to support you. It's not like that. You must support others, but you must not expect them to support you back. That's called "open heart" help, when you help others (even by sacrificing what you have) without any intentions of seeing a return. I learned that it's very unpolite and disrespectful to miss events that your friends called you to. They might not care, but believe me: they will be happier if you appear where they called you. I always try to go to parties and other places that my friends invite me to. Also, don't worry. Don't get angry at it. Just have an open heart, a good will and everything will be fine. Respectfully, Munhozmib.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
You know what? I normally operate that way. This discussion was posted out of frustration when it turned into the last straw. After awhile, even the most kind-hearted person gets tired of always being the giver constantly. Nobody can exist that way, eventually you have to get something back or you bleed yourself dry. Believe me, I have told other people the same thing you're telling me. BUT I have also told other people to cut loose people in their lives who are just constant drainers. If it only happened once in awhile it would not be a big deal but when you feel like you went to a lot of trouble for people who don't care and don't even call you or contact you to explain WHY they don't care.... it's just plain hurtful. At least I let people know I can't make it and why. It's like they get upset if *I* don't get in touch with them but in the same vein *I* don't have a right to be upset if THEY don't get in touch with me. Did I mention I dislike hypocrites? And double standards?
1 person likes this
@munhozmib (3853)
• Sao Paulo, Brazil
19 Oct 08
Hiho! You are correct. People are like this to me aswell... At least some of them who claim to be my friends. But I know who I can trust and who I cannot. There are people who wouldn't do anything for me, and there are people who would put their hands on fire. As my mother taught me, you should always trust your family, not your friends. Your family will never betray you, they will always be there supporting you. Differently from friends. Respectfully, Munhozmib.
@cripfemme (7714)
• United States
16 Oct 08
I can relate to how you feel. Everyone who supports other people (in whatever capacity) at times feel neglected or unappreciated. Have you talked to your friends about this? Maybe they don't know how you feel about this issue. Often time, I find that people just don't express themselves well and then expect the other person to know what they're thinking without really having communicated it. If you've told them, and their behavior still doesn't changed maybe you need to learn to say no. A lot of people have that problem especially women. I hope this is helpful and good luck.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Actions are SUPPOSED to speak louder than words. If someone does something special for me, you bet I notice and will return in kind when I have an opportunity. I simply don't 'get' that other people are so lame that they don't even NOTICE. I shouldn't have to SAY anything, when you say something, then it seems like you're asking.... and that defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Just like for instance if you're 'well educated', it speaks for itself. There is no need for someone to constantly harp about 'I went to Harvard for 4 years and I have 3 degrees'. Nobody wants to HEAR that, they want to see it in action - only then does it mean anything. I realize people can't read minds but they need to pay attention to actions and what other people do for them. The result is that fewer and fewer people feel like doing anything for others, contributing to the whole selfish slant of society these days. When you can't even feel good about helping someone else out because they don't appreciate it, everything is headed downhill.
• Philippines
16 Oct 08
Hello mommyboo! I have been in this situation several times already. Honestly, there are times when I would really feel very bad and disappointed. But the feeling doesn't last that long. I am aware that there really are people who depend much on other people but when they are needed, they are nowhere to be found. I personally do not expect anything in return for things that I do for other people. However, it would be nice if they would return the favor in one way or another.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
I mainly feel this way for instance when I go to things friends host - where they get a share back in earnings for hosting a show, whether it's a cooking show, art show, jewelry show, scrapbooking, candles, etc. I go to a lot of things like this because I am interested in the stuff, and the majority of the people I know are into the same types of things. This said, it's like we all go to each other's things. The frustration happens when I go to say... 3 different things within a month or two. Not only do I attend, I buy. Then I decide to host something myself and invite these people. They don't attend, and they don't buy. I don't know, it feels almost like a personal slap in the face. I can tell you if someone does come, I always support them in the future. You're supposed to get back what you give, I just don't understand this.
• Indonesia
16 Oct 08
Sorry that you experienced something like that mommyboo. But some people are just like that, maybe they just don't have the power to be supportive to others or maybe they just don't care. I've had some experiences like that and that's not fun, but I'll just let it go, nothing I can do anyway
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
That's the frustrating part, that you can't do anything after the fact that doesn't make you look like a jerk.
@batigirl (15)
• China
16 Oct 08
Don't care about what they do,you think you are right,that's enough.helping friends is a good thing.it should not make you angry,it should make you happy,you are a model for your daughter.so keep on doing,sooner or later,you'll find the more you give,the more you get.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
You know, I was just feeling really crappy about it the other day. It IS a good thing to help friends and I usually am happy when I do it. I just don't like to be disappointed later. Oh well, life goes on and there will be more opportunities for both.
• India
16 Oct 08
Hi yes, it happens. In my case, few of those who got support from me, even turned against me. Forget about supporting me when I need it. I think those who receive support, suffer from some kind of inferority complex. When I was young, it hurt me a lot. Now, I don't bother. If I can support someone, I do it and honestly speaking, I just expect that he/she won't become my enemy in return.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Heh. I may start just helping certain people who have a track record of helping me out in return. I guess that means if you've blown me off in the past, fat chance I'll think of you in the future...
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
16 Oct 08
Hi mommyboo, I get what you're saying and I don't know what to say to you. It's really annoying and unfair when you are the one who is always doing and when it comes time for people to do for you they can't be bothered. I can definitely uderstand how angry you feel. I have felt this way myself from time to time. Sometimes people are only interested in what you can do for them and not what they can do for you and this is totally unfair. Do you turn around and give them a tast of their own medicine to teach them a lesson? I just don't know the proper answer in this case.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
I don't know. Sometimes I genuinely am interested in something though so I go to someone's thing or buy it or whatever because I want it. Supporting them of course is something else I am doing as a result. I think it defeats the purpose to start questioning people and making sure they won't disappear into the woodwork when it's MY turn to ask for something - but after something like this, I sure want to. This just sucks all the way around. It destroys my faith in people and makes me think that everybody really IS only out for number one and to heck with their friends.
@eaforeman6 (8983)
• United States
16 Oct 08
This is an age old question.I believe the good you do comes back to you! Even when others dont do what they should, your acts are rewarded. God knows what you do. People who do that will have that karma come back to them. So be glad that you do more and be glad that you do right. The good karma will come back to you!
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Thank you... for reminding me about good karma. I'm not a b**** by nature, given a choice I prefer to help whenever I can. I don't do it in a give to get manner either but I do like to think that that is the NATURAL progression. Sometimes I think it almost doesn't occur to someone to support those who have supported you, and that's the frustrating part - because I would never think NOT to! I do like to see people happy and enjoying life, so maybe that's my reward in the end when I do something good. I just don't want to be depressed later lol.
• Philippines
18 Oct 08
keep on supporting them even though they are not doing the same thing without expecting something in return. soon they will realize your worth. keep up the good work and be thankful.
@selece (2357)
• Philippines
17 Oct 08
Oh my... I experience this a lot. I am very supportive of others... But sometimes I feel so alone, that all those whom I have been supporting before has taken me for granted. But I just can't get mad and I just can't stop helping, I think it's my weakness. I'm just to kind to get mad or not do anything for other people. And they tend to abuse it sometimes. I guess good things will be rewarded with something good in the future. We don't need any reason to help others, as long as there's something we can do, we should help. That was my principle but it tends to flicker sometimes.
16 Oct 08
I think that friends who cause you this much grief are not true friends - looks like they don't hold the same values as you.