Is this Fair?

United States
October 16, 2008 10:18pm CST
Okay I have been married for almost 12 years and in that 12 years me and my hubby have switched our roles more than once. Currently I am the main bread-winner and I have been for over 6 years. I work 30-40 hours a week for just under $7 an hour and come home make dinner 4 nights a week, bathe my 6 kiddos everynight, run my online business, do the heavy duty housework and do all the shopping and appointment making. We are currently recording our fist album and I have been doing everything I can to ensure that he can record when I am home which includes running intervention with our kiddos. My hubby does the laundry, works 10-15 hours a week making $19 an hour and is home by the time the kids get out of bed each morning. He takes them to school and picks them up and feeds them breakfast and lunch(ones not in school). Everynight when I get home from work I take over with the kids so he can get a few moments to himself. By the way i think I should add he has my mom and dad who help him out all day. After a hour I feel as if he should then let me have the same amount of time to unwind from work but it never happens. Ince I get home he just turns off and I end up taking over completely. He goes to bed before the kids do because he works so early in the morning and I never get a moment of peace or relaxation. Do you think this is fair? Am I just complaining over nothing?
3 people like this
15 responses
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
17 Oct 08
I think things are a little unbalanced, what about you having some time for just you, I think you need to work things out on equal terms so you are happy as well, I know women are better at multi tasking but i think it is time men learnt...look after yourself, you are important as well...
• United States
19 Oct 08
Yeah, thats all I want is a balance. I just want one hour a night to myself with no interuptions. If I had that I do not think I would even feel so overwhelmed with all I have taken on to lighten his load.
@MsTickle (24980)
• Australia
12 Aug 10
Reschedule and come home from work an hour later. You could go for coffee or a drink or just walk or sit in a park...by yourself.
@cbreeze (1207)
• United States
17 Oct 08
If that is how you feel then you are not just complaining over nothing. The thing is that you need to productively explain this to your husband so that the two of you can find a solution. It is little things like this that sit and fester until they become larger than life. He needs to know what your needs are. Don't leave him to guess. Let him know that you also need a little time to debrief from work. The two of you should be solving the problem together. Maybe you can get your mom & dad to help give you a little time to yourself as well. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Oct 08
Thank you for your feedback and suggestion, LOL at the thought of my parents actually doing what you suggest. They refuse to watch them all at once unless it is a dire necessity. I do not blame them though 6 kids under the age of 11 is quite an undertaking if you are not used to it.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
17 Oct 08
That was happend into our situation last time when we switched our role. I am the bread winner of he family and provide all basic needs. My husband taking care of our kids, cooking, laundry all household chores and lots of work in home. He complained everything to me once I got home. Really hard to do all of this. But for us wives, being a provider of the family is too hard. I really like to be a housewife rather than a father and bread winner of the family. Better to get some extra income to support all our expenses.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Oct 08
I would much rather be at home with the kids and not missing all the milestones. My 2 year old was crawling for a whole month before I ever found out. It hurt me so much to know I missed somethign so important in his childhood. The thing is that with so many kiddos we both have to work to make it, and I happen to have the more secure employment.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
17 Oct 08
From the schedule you listed no, I don't think its fair. And I think its time you pointed this out to your husband. There is no reason he can't deal with some of this during the evenings, or at least help. I know my partner probably feels it isn't fair to him too. You see I don't work, where as he works part time. And I expect him to help me. But the difference with us is I'm disabled. So I can't do everything that I should or would like to do. But in your circumstances I don't see why he can't do more than he is doing.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Oct 08
You see all I even want from him is a hour or maybe two a night that I can dedicate to doing things I want to accomplish. I do not even mind doing them with the baby in tow just as long as I can get that personal quite time.
• United States
17 Oct 08
No, i do not think that you are complaining over nothing. Humans will always need time to themselves and rest for the next day. sounds, like your life is very busy and theres no time for rest for you. NO offense or anything but i think that the husband should be out working while you stay at home with your kids until they are older. While the 5 of your kids are in school you will have time to relax and cook, clean etc.... and he could rest also when he comes home. Just for thought, since your husband makes more money, maybe working more hours would be helpful to the both of you. I do not think this is fair to you, i think the wife should never be put in that situation.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Oct 08
No offense taken, we reversed roles 6 years ago when he was layed off of work. He looked for for months to no avail and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time and found work before he did. I make more money than he does in whole, although I do have to work more hours to earn it.
• United States
17 Oct 08
Well, I think you both do work very hard, and we all have our elasticity, some people can only stretch so far. Perhaps just talk it over with him and talk about how you feel like you are doing too much and you need a little more help, he probably feels that he already does a lot, which he does since parenting is a constant thing, so make sure you show that you respect what he is already doing for your family. Perhaps ask him to take over the dinner more often, or just rotate certain chores so you both don't go crazy over time. Have him do whatever cleaning he can do when he has some time, just ask him to help make your role easier since he gets some extra time. It's all about team work and you both seem like you are on top of things already, though there is always instability even when you are on top, no matter where you are there is still stress in life, just communicate with your husband and I am sure you will regain your sanity, that sometimes can be what is needed most. Happy mylotting and have a great day or night!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Oct 08
Thank you for responding, yes he does work hard and he is a great father and husband. I just feel like my need for some personal time is not important to him. I know that my job is not really the hardest I have ever done but it is tiring and stressfull to deal with the public all day. We have taken the chores we each do because there are just some things that we often argued about before that we decided one or the other of us should handle that specific task. I guess I need to sit down with him again and reevaluate who really is best suited to be responisble for those tasks.
• United States
17 Oct 08
I don't think your question or concerns are unfair- but I have to ask. Have you talked with him, does he know how you feel? Because if not- he can't be blamed for not knowing. With that being said- no its not right for you to have to work all day and come home to a house that needs more full time attention, especailly since he's home most of the day. But you have to talk to him and let him know what you need. I know that it's easy to assume that he should know already. But sometimes men are dense. Good luck to you and I hope all works out for you.
• United States
19 Oct 08
I have brought it up before and we do talk about it once in awhile. Usually we both end up upset and feeling unheard, I don't like to bring it up anymore. He is one of those people who can be totally in the wrong but make you feel as if you are completely to blame. By the time we are done talking I am usually finding reasons why I should take on more responsibilities to help him out. I just feel so guilty when I talk about it with him, I feel so lazy.
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
17 Oct 08
No, it's not fair. But it's also not surprising. When it's the other way around, I know many men who come home after work and don't want anything to do with the kids (and sometimes wifey) until they have chilled for a while. Then they take over and give her a break. But no matter who works longer hours, the woman always seems to end up in charge of everything in the house and with the kids. Some of that is our own doing. The home is seen as an extention of a woman, as are the way our kids are presented to the world. So we make sure that the house and kids are spotless, so the world doesn't think badly of us for working outside the home.
1 person likes this
@donn_juan (325)
• Philippines
18 Oct 08
maybe you're asking that question because you're just tired. talking it over with your husband on how you feel will make the situation better. keeping scores in the relationship is not good. talk it over..things will work out fine. good luck!;o)
• United States
19 Oct 08
I was indeed exhausted when I posted this, I had not had more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night for over a week. I do feel guilty for keeping score but he is just as quick to actually point out what he does everytime I bring it up. By the end of the discussion I always feel like I am slacking and I was just trying to find out if I was trully being petty or if I indeed saw things the way they seemed to me.
@sev123 (45)
• United States
18 Oct 08
It sounds as if you have too much on your plate. I have to ask though, if your husband makes $19 an hour why are you working so hard? Can he take more hours at work and you cut some back? If he is just not working as much because he doesn't want to then it is not fair! It would be nice if he could take over bath time a few nights a week to give you some time to unwind since you do give him the alone time he needs. Also to save you both time on dinner, you could prepare twice as much food at once and freeze the extra for an easy pop in the oven night (cassaroles are good ones).
• United States
19 Oct 08
I took over cooking dinner as much as I did to save us money, if he does not feel like cooking(which is often) he will order take out or go to a fast food restraunt. This is also the reason I took over grocery shopping, he would come home with hundreds of dollars worth of junk and quick fixes instead of planning real meals. It alreadys costs over $1000 a month to feed us and he was just make it so much more expensive with his bad shopping habits. He is actually working as a contract employee and those are all the hours they have available for him. He has bids out for other companies but so far no other offers have up. This is why I went back to work after the baby was born in May, although he makes quite a bit hourly in the end it just is not enough to make ends meet. I will have to try the multiple meals at once maybe it would take pressure off both of us if I did this. He could just pop it in the crockpot or microwave before I even get home.
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
12 Aug 10
You are not complaining over nothing but let me tell you something you're making me realize how horrible of a wife I can be. Right now my husband works 28 hours and I have no job. He comes home and more often then not I've failed to do many of the things I should have done during the night. One is making the bed, another is doing laundry or sometimes just rearranging drawers, putting tape on pictures, simple things really. It's not that I don't want to do it, I suppose it's I lack the ambition from time to time. I also don't have food ready for him a lot, and when he wants drink I tell him to get it himself. I realize sometimes it's okay to say get it yourself but I think I probably do it a little too much. Gotta work on that before we have kids, as I do want to be a stay at home mom, but can't do that if I don't get into gear and get my priorities straight.
@besthope44 (12145)
• India
12 Aug 10
Well i understand this feelings. But you have to talk to him..working for kids and family is important, but spending time for each family memeber is equally important without which life is a machine like.
• China
18 Oct 08
i don't think it is fair in fact .in my opinion,you could communicate with your hubby and find a way to solve this problem. i still think there is nothing which cann't be sovled between wife and husband.
@carmela0210 (1591)
• Philippines
18 Oct 08
i dont think its fair!!he should give more time to you and your family, and he should be more sensitive on your needs also, just like having time for yourself and some rest, especially that you do all the living!!and he should spent more time with you no matter how early his work maybe for the following day, anyways being you as his wife its his obligation to take good care of you and the children and love you...so i think your complains is just fine and have value!!!
@emarie (5454)
• United States
18 Oct 08
well, i don't think he's pulling his own weight a little more. i think you two should probably sit down and actually write down a schedule that both of you can agree on. after you have decided and you've also voiced you concerns to your husband about how you feel about the work load then you should write it all down on someplace you can both see it and check it off.