"When It Rains, It Pours."

@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
October 18, 2008 1:11am CST
As if I were not going through enough Hell already. My ex-boyfriend called me from his hospital room at White Memorial Medical Center to tell me that he is bleeding internally and that they are going to remove all five toes from one foot tonight. I asked him if he was praying and he says yes. He usually straddles the fence, but I guess he realizes, at this point how serious things really are. Now for a little history, so you understand why he means so much to me. I met him in 1985, he was 25 and I was 15. Yes, he was too old for me, but at the time he was all I had. We were together for twelve years. We lived together for about eight years. We have known each other for 23 years. So although I am grieving about finding that my biological father died when I was five. This is the father figure that was always there for me from 15. He found out that he was Diabetic in 1991. We were living together at the time. It was very hard to get him to eat right then, and while talking to him a little while ago, he declared that he was going to continue enjoying the things that he likes to eat. It's impossible to keep a stubborn man alive. I have not seen him in over five years. He tells me that he has lost a tremendous amount of weight. So that tells me that I probably will not recognize him. I am so afraid this time, that I promised him that I would come and see him, though God knows, I don't have the courage. I may end up taking care of him, since he can be a pain in the butt when he is seriously ill. I am also qualified as an in-home care nurse. He is living with his mother, who is also very sickly. I do not believe that I can handle taking care of both of them. He does not believe that he can trust the woman who is caring for his mother at this time, so maybe I can be there to keep an eye on things. It will be hard to see them suffering. They were family to me when my own family turned their backs on me for whatever reason. Most of the time I avoid calling him and let him call me first. Whenever I call, if he does not answer his cell phone, I panicked and call his mom's number, to make sure he is alright. I am not prepared to deal with any more stress at this point.
3 people like this
7 responses
• Malaysia
18 Oct 08
hi Rozie, I will pray for you ... our lives are not totally different .. i met my hushand when i was 21 and he was 31 ... we were not married until i was 35 and he was 45, because his family disapprove of our relationship .. He got diabetes when he was 40, making story short it is difficult for me to have babies ... I understand how difficult it is to feed a diabetic man .. my husband just went tru a minor sugery on his toe for a growth ... he did not take care of the wound but i had too because it is dangerous .. From your comment i can see that you are a very kind hearted woman, do all the best you can to help trough your friend as A FRIEND INDEED IN A FREIND IN NEED hope to hear from you on your updates cheers
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
19 Oct 08
I was so afraid to call him today. I did not know what he would report. My best friend and I prayed for him yesterday. He said that they did the test for internal bleeding, but have not told him anything. As far as his toes, he is going to get a second opinion. The fact that he still calls me when he is in trouble is bitter sweet to me. I want to know that he is alright, but my days of worrying for him should be over. You must know how stubborn men can be, especially when it comes to their health. Sometimes you just want to smack them, but that would only give them more pain to whine about. A lot of people don't understand why I still care for him, but I am a firm believer that if you truly love someone once, you always love them. Sometimes our proud gets in the way and we do not want to admit that we still care for someone who has hurt us in the past, but I learned not to play those games at a very early age. I pray that your husband will be just fine. God bless you.
• Malaysia
19 Oct 08
hi rozie, love and care is different, even though you may fall out of love with someone, you will still care for them .. and that care can blossom into love again ... i understand how scared you are of your ex, but i believe you have to face it .. there is only 2 options here .. I) you get yourself involved in this ... go to him, and give him the smack he deserves, see him for your self than torturing with informations only. You have to be stronger than you have ever been in your whole life II) you get yourself out of this, in which case .. you should think that he is somewhere and happy with the life he choose .. never get to know anything about him, dont torture your self with this situation .. we know what is "the end" of the chapter ... you need not know about it and when or how it happens .. you need not go tru, each phase and level the choice is yours , whichever it is make sure you take care of your own little heart .. Rozie .. you are not married to him so your commitment level is much lesser than when you are married to him ..
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Oct 08
I understand what you are saying. But he is a human being and I hate for anyone to suffer. We have come to terms with the past and forgiven each other. I would like it if I did not have to go through this with him, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.
• United States
20 Oct 08
Rozie you have to remember he is not your responsibility and you did not make him diabetic and you did not put the bad food in his mouth. He make the bad choices with not eating right and not taking care of his diabetes. He cannot expect you to jump and take care of him because you are familiar to him and it is easy for him to rely on your heart strings. Abagail, Petie and Sammy and I say run, run like the wind and do not look back. Do not go and get sucked in to helping him. I know you need a place to stay but I do not think this is the answer. Take it from a nurse who has taken care of non compliant diabetics with amputees.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Oct 08
Oh no, I will never live with him again. He is impossible to live with. I know that I need to let go and walk away from the past, but it is hard when I know that he is suffering. His birthday was one October third, but I did not call him. He always calls me when he is in trouble, because he knows that I will do my best to be there for him. There's no sense in changing my number seeing as how I am sure I will be moving soon. But this time, there are certain people that I will not contact after I move this time. When I moved out of his house the last time that he threatened me, I should have never looked back. But it is never too late to start over fresh.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Oct 08
It is really hard to say NO to a person when you know they really need your help. I am so sorry this has to go through all this hardship but it sounds like he needs to find someone else to rely on. Good luck my friend.
@Polly1 (12648)
• United States
20 Oct 08
I hope things work out for him. Maybe this will be a wake up call to him, that is if he wants to live. I just got back, I was visiting my sis out of state. I did want to drop by real quick and give you a response. Take care Rozie, only do what you can comfortably do, you don't want to set your health back neither.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Oct 08
I help that this is a wake up call for him also. He has plenty of time to lay in that hospital and think about how he will do things differently. He says that he has been praying. I hope that he will continue to pray and eat right when he gets out. He can call me all he wants, but I have no power to keep him alive. God bless you, Polly.
@coffeeshot (3786)
• Australia
20 Oct 08
This sounds like a very stressful time in your life. First and foremost, you have to look after YOU. Don't feel obliged to care for both him and his mother if you feel that the stress will be too much. I can sure understand your stress though, as he took care of you when you needed someone. Perhaps you can offer part-time support. Maybe use your nursing contacts to find someone who your friend trusts more than his mother's current carer. You don't have to let this burden fall on your shoulders, Rozie. It is very sad what is happening to him but it is not your fault. Only offer him what you know you are strong enough to offer. Good luck and stay strong.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Oct 08
Thank you so much for those words of encouragement. It helps a lot when other people understand what I am feeling.
@Flight84 (3050)
• United States
20 Oct 08
You're dealing with some pretty heavy stuff right now, Rozie. It's funny sometimes how people can make their way back into our lives after lomg periods of time, even your dad in a way. Is your ex going to be okay and what are you going to do? That will be a huge change and ordeal for you to take on the responsibility of taking care of your ex. I understand completely how you must feel about this guy though. My husband was one of my strong male figures in my life after my dad and I quit talking. I was in 8th grade the first time my dad and I had problems and my husband, who was obviously my boyfriend at the time, was just my pillar of strength and always has been. He has always been more man than my dad. And you were pretty young with this guy also. History with a person can say and mean alot. Being back in his life might mean taking the process gradually, but you remember to take care of you too.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Oct 08
Some people are just so much a part of our lives that it is hard for us to just push them away. He has been in and out of my life on an ongoing basis. I know that he will not always be there, but I believe that things are happening the way that they are now for a reason. I am just going with the flow. I am glad that your husband has been great for you also. Take care and God bless you.
• China
20 Oct 08
I am praying for you,all the thing would be better!Thanks for your discussion!
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Oct 08
Thank you so much.
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
19 Oct 08
I think you should really take time out for yourself first Rozie before you decide to take care of your ex. I know he means a lot to you and always will, but you need to sort things out with you first, before deciding to take on this. If you're able to keep in touch with him by phone for encouragement and sorts, then that is good. Once all is ok with you and your situation, then maybe you can revisit his request again. Good luck my friend.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
19 Oct 08
Well, he has not ask me to help him. I do not think his proud would allow him to, but I am available and I let him know that. Thank God, he did not have his toes cut off. The worst thing you can do to a man is take his independence away. He is going to go for a second opinion. I just hope that he does not wait until it is too late. He is known for doing that and I nag and nag, but he gives me a hard time. I understand what you mean about taking care of myself first. Maybe it is my mental disorder, but when someone that I care about is not okay, it is impossible for me to be alright. I was so afraid to call him to find out what happened. I tried to get my friend to talk to him first, but she insisted that I go first. We have been praying for him and I am encouraging him to pray for himself. When he first told me everything, suddenly my problems seem to pale compared to his.