Parents Hurting, Children Hurting

@AmbiePam (49887)
United States
October 24, 2008 10:06am CST
What is the most painful or hurtful thing your parents ever said to you? Parents, what is the most hurtful or painful thing your child has said to you? I think for me, when I started to get very sick years ago, my dad said something that might not have been the most hurtful thing he ever said to me, but it certainly stuck out in my mind. Keep in mind he was one of 16 children (same parents, no twins) and he grew up with a very strict father. His dad didn't even take him to the doctor when his ear drum burst in high school. His older sisters came to visit and they took him. So before I had been diagnosed with anything, my dad didn't believe I was really sick. He started telling me I was just lazy, and that I needed to get up and start doing things instead of sitting around and doing nothing. I would make every attempt to do whatever I could. I think my mom was torn because she knew I was sick, and she couldn't get my dad to understand. So constant 'looks' and calls of me being lazy were a constant. I was 21 and had just moved back in with my parents because of my health. Of course when I got my first diagnosis, one of many to come, he felt badly I think. He changed his attitude. He's a very good man. But when you grow up like he did there is just a different mentality in a person. So what is the most hurtful thing your parents have said to you, or your kids have said to you?
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23 responses
• Philippines
24 Oct 08
I was greatly hurt when my mom believed what our neighbor told her that I have a relationship with my male co-worker and she didn't believe me that we were just friends. She scolded me day and night when I arrived home from work because she didn't like the man for me. Because of my anger and irritation of her arrogance, I married the man she didn't like.
2 people like this
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
24 Oct 08
The most hurtful thing my mother ever said to me was that when me and my younger brother where 8 and 9 she almost gave us up. She had a nervous breakdown and was not in a good spot in life just having gotten divorced for the third,was seriously depressed on top of all that and she wasn't as strong emotionally as she usually was, she was broken and didn't think she could carry on taking care of us properly but thankfully she she kept us one of her friends told her things could only go up and with help and sometimes me acting as the mommy, cleaning, doing laundry and even cooking (I learned to cook at 8, thank god) I took care of my little brother best I could and we are really close because of that. My mom took over a year to fully recover and function properly but I am glad she didn't give us up and when she told me this when I was 16 It hurt me really bad that she had the papers and almost signed it..Of the 9 kids my mom has me,my little brother and her and my adopted sister is close as 4 peas in a pod.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Oct 08
I know there have been many hurtful things that my parents said to me. The one that really sticks out is when I was getting married. My husband and I had limited time to get married because we were both active duty and he was getting ready to leave for a school. Being that he was not married we had to have the wedding before he left so he could be stationed in the same area. I called my mom with the date and said that I was going to purchase their tickets to come to the wedding latter that day (they live in ND and I am in VA). My mothers reply was she was not coming because my brother needed her to watch his kids. All I have ever wanted was a wedding were my parents walked me down the isle. They had never met the man that I was marring but they had talked to him and he asked for my hand. We had dated for a year before the decision to get married was made and I was 25. It was not like I left and got married a month after meeting him when I was 18. They also had my daughter from another relationship and I wanted her to be a part of my wedding as well. I was not asking for any money we had saved up and we were paying for the small wedding and reception on our own. We just wanted them there. I was really hurt after they went to my 3 other siblings weddings. As it turned out, his orders were changed and he had to leave for school early and we got married in the court house. It still goes on. I have told my mother that I want to renew our vows on our 5th anniversary. This is in a year and a half. I want a wedding. We are trying to save as much as we can. It will still be small but we want to do that and then go on a disney cruise with the family. My mother still says that she is not sure if they will be able to come. I am very sentimental and I know it is because she knows it means that she has to let me go. I am her baby but that is no reason to keep me from my dream wedding.
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
27 Oct 08
You handled that well. I think that would have devasted me for my mom to say she had to watch her grandchildren and couldn't come.
• United States
27 Oct 08
It is still hurtful to me knowing that she still will not come to my wedding. If it was not for my children and their bond with my parents, I would stop talking to her.
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
27 Oct 08
I admire you for considering your children in all this. I'm not a mom, so I wouldn't know, but it would be hard for me to do even that.
• United States
24 Oct 08
My grandfather had 14 brothers and sisters. I believe life is different when that is the case. I can understand why you feel the way you do. However, I cannot think of anything my mom or dad said to me that hurt me. And I do not have children.
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
24 Oct 08
I'm glad you can't think of anything. Your parents did a good job, especially since you turned out so well yourself. : )
• United States
24 Oct 08
Thank you, Amber.....
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@deedeehall (1144)
• United States
28 Oct 08
25 years ago i gave up my daughter to her father,i now have three children that i love very much i am also married. my daughter called and ask if she could see me this is something i really want. i told my husband i would love to see her he did not act like it was some thing he agreed with. i explained to my daughter to please give it time. she was very hurt and told me she never wanted to see me or talk to me again.
@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
29 Oct 08
I'm so sorry. You must have felt torn, with wanting your husband to be OK with it, but also not wanting to upset your daughter. And you got stuck in the middle. I hope she changes her mind.
• China
25 Oct 08
My mother often scolded me and even physically punished me when i was very young, she was too strict with me and even rude with me, I hated her that time and was eager to escape from my parents, i still remember that she wouldn't give me food to eat and let me walk without shoes on the field to exerpience the farmer's life, besides,she often said i was the worst girl in the world, it strongly destroyed my confidence and ruined my life, now it seems that i am also a little critical woth my son, i am doing the same things to my son sometimes, i couldn't control myself, and i am afraid it wiil hurt him very, i have already realized this and make up my mind to correct it. We shoul always praise our kids to give them more confidence and tell them they are the best ,so they will believe i n it and become the best at last.parents'support and comfort are very significant. i wll never forget the things my mom did to me, it hurt me a lot.
@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
It's good that you are trying not to repeat your mother's mistakes.
• United States
25 Oct 08
Didn't really have a close relationship with my father,and so my mom raised six of us on her own pretty much. Her two oldest children from her marriage(last ones were born out of wedlock)seemed to could do no wrong. Mind they were products of the sixties and the rest of us were born in the seventies, but she was always comparing us younger ones and saying that her "other" children didn't do this or that, or wouldn't have done this or that. Plus, she didn't always get along with our father and would make us feel that she only tolerated him for our sakes. We felt some sense of guilt for it. I wouldn't want my child to feel it's his fault that his father is in my life or that his being in my life was a bad thing despite his father's shortcomings. My son is autistic and so if he ever hurt my feelings saying something, he never knew and I could not take it the wrong way. I would just explain to him the feelings he could evoke if he said something like that. He's a real sweet kid and very sensitive himself.
@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
So your mother took her unhappiness out on you. I wish people would really think about what they say before they say it. I feel absolutely awful when I say something that hurts someone. And especially if I said something to my parents. You sound like you are the total opposite of what you had growing up.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
24 Oct 08
The day I asked my dad and mom to help me by signing a loan to continue my education. They said no. We already are helping your brother at the university and your sister with nursing school...The reason it hurt so much was because my two older siblings got everything first..my younger sister and I got the leftovers..the one thing I always wanted to be was an English teacher....but I gradutated from high school at 17 and the world looked so big and scary to me that I need some support from them. Its one of the only times that I felt they really let me down. Since I was the third child I did learn alot on my own. By the time I was in 7th grade I had my own checking account as I was sick and tired of never getting anything. I have found my own way.....100%. I love my parents and I realized that they were just doing the best they could....that's all any of us do. Just do the best we can.
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
I hope to be more like you someday.
@Hatley (164507)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Oct 08
hi ambiepam the most hurtful thing my dad eversaid to me was, I wish you had never been born. I was about thirteen, and he had made my little retarded sister cry because he insisted on giving her some really irritatin nose drops,andhe bawled her'out ffor not letting him put those in her nose. I had told him that there was something wrong with those nosedrops as they stung like crazy, then is when he blurted out that he wished I had never been born. okay so he tried out these homemade nose drops in his own nose, he was the town doctor. He actually screamed when they hit the inside of his nose. He did apologize to me but you know I never quite forgave him. He was a very cruel unfeeling man,I say this even though he was my father.YOu see he made one fatal error with me, he molested me when I was 8, so I knew he was not the perfect town doctor everyone thought him. he never touched me again more because I never trusted him a nd was never alone with him again. I dont think my mom ever knew as it wou ld have killed her. she was the sweetest person I have ever known.I have finally forgiven him as the hatred was making me ill, myhubbytalked me into doing that. I cannot say my father was a very good man althougth he did doctor the whole town, he had an e vil side
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
You have gone through so many things in your life, Hatley. Is it a comfort to you that when our lives our over we will be in a place with no sadness and pain? It sure comforts me at times.
• United States
24 Oct 08
the most hurtful thing...it was actually good for me though....was the night I asked to bike around the block with an older friend of mine, and went way farther then I said I would (I was 10) and it was night when I finally got home, BOY DID I GET IT! and that came with the most hurtful thing I remember them both telling me... that they had lost their trust in me, and that it would take a long time to earn it back...boy did that hurt...they punished me another way too...my bike was put up for 3 weeks...and something else I dont remember...but the fact that I had lost their trust is what hurt most...and taught me a valueable lesson...I guess I kinda lucked out in the most hurtful thing than you did... :(
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
The fewer hurtful memories the better! : )
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
24 Oct 08
I can't repeat the most painful things either my parents or my son said to me they are that bad.
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
I'm sorry winterose.
@GardenGerty (101839)
• United States
24 Oct 08
Dad did not say much, ever. He was not a man to criticize. Mom, on the other hand had a very bitter and biting tongue. We lived with it. She was raised with a negative spirit and it was hard for her not to be either. I always got told:" You are just like your dad's family (whom she detested)." or "I hope you have a daughter just like you when you are older." (My daughter claims to be like me, and I am flattered.) Guess the hurting one was the Christmas I had lost about twenty five pounds. My 6'2" female cousin was there, and mom, innocently said "Next to Nikki, you look short and dumpy." That really blew my self image for a very long time. My mom would never call us lazy, she grew up with what you describe, and she was always anemic, and possibly had an undetected case of polio in her toddler days. I know she loved me, and knew it all along. It still hurt.
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@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
25 Oct 08
You broke the cycle, didn't you. If your daughter is like you then you have succeeded in so many ways. Your generation was like my own father's right? Everyone just had to suck it up and move on because times were tough and there wasn't time for hurt feelings. And I admire you for being able to process all that now without bitterness.
@gemini_rose (16193)
24 Oct 08
The most hurtful thing said to me was recently by my 17 year old son, we were having a conversation about something and he turned around and said that he did not care about anyone but himself, that he had no feelings for anyone. He is 17 at the end of the day, and so I will make an allowance for that because I was the same at his age, I could not have cared less, but still I would never have dreamed of saying it out loud. To hear it said upset me more than I thought it would.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (49887)
• United States
24 Oct 08
You're right, teenagers do say that sort of thing. I don't know how many teens I've heard tell their parents they hate them. As appalled as I am when I hear that, I'm pretty sure more 3/4 of the time the teenagers don't mean it. It doesn't make the hurt go away though. I don't know if it will make you feel better, but now that I'm out of my teens, and have been for a while, I think back on things I said as a teen to my parents, and have deep regrets. I imagine he will too.
@quinnkl (1668)
• United States
26 Oct 08
I think most parents say things to their children that they wish they could take back at some point or another. I am glad in your case that your dad saw that you were ill and felt badly that he was wrong. I think some parents never bother to say they are sorry or admit they are wrong, and that is a very sad thing. I am sure there were things said to me growing up, but I have forgotten or chosen to forget them.
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@jdyrj777 (6556)
• United States
25 Oct 08
I was raised by my grandparents. I remember the most hurtful thing my grandma ever said to me was "You are going to be just like your mom". At the time i didnt quite understand how my mom was but i knew it wasnt good. She said it to me more than once while growing up. All my life i always tried to make a conscience effort not to do things i saw my mother doing. My mother was a drunk and a hoe. I do not see why my grandma would say that to me. I can not stand a drunk.
@KarenO52 (2951)
• United States
25 Oct 08
I can't remember my parents ever saying anything hurtful to me. My mom had a bad temper though, and would get mad at me for nothing, and either hit or yell. I can't remember ever saying anything hurtful to my kids either. I don't know if they would agree with me, but I think they would.
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@arkaf61 (10882)
• Canada
25 Oct 08
What happened to you - your father's attitude - reminds me of something that happened to me, although it's not related to my parents. Some years back I had an allergy. It wasn't exactly the kind of allergy that we see more commonly, where you cough or sneeze with dust or polen, or get a reaction to certain foods. In my case, the cause was never found but it was serious enough that I had to inject adrenaline a few times because my mouth and throat were swelling. I was scared because without knowing the cause I didn't know what to avoid. It could be anything triggering it. My husband was working nights and I would be awake all night pacing the hallway feeling my throat swelling up but not knowing if it was really happening or just because I was so worried that I was feeling it even though it wasn't happening. I was taking antihistamine but still had hives and my mouth was still swelling sometimes. MY inlaws kept laughing at me and telling me that an allergy was an allergy and nothing special. They kept saying so until even my husband was convinced that I was exaggerating even after he had to take me to the emergency. It hurt me quite a lot at that time that they were having that reaction and treating me like I was just the drama queen. Thankfully after about a year, things stopped as sudden as they came. The doctors were never able to tell me the cause of my allergy and for a long time I was a bit worried when trying new things.
@061234217 (133)
• China
25 Oct 08
My dad has 4 brothers and sisters.But he is the only child that his parents don't love.It's deeply hurt him.So when he had his own family and children,he love us as possible as he can.He never say something may hurt us.He is a good father.I love him.
1 person likes this
@belk89 (1103)
• Philippines
25 Oct 08
The most hurtful words my dad told me was when he said that i might not make it on my interview in the embassy for my visa. It hurts me a lot since i was hoping that he believe i would make it on the interview. I prove to him that he was wrong then he started greeting me and wishing me well. But still what he told me hurts me coz i feel like he doesnt have faith in me. We are closer now but those words he said made me wanna raised my kids differently. I will never say words that will lose there hope of ever fulfilling there dreams.
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@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
24 Oct 08
I can honestly say that I don't think my parents ever said anything hurtful to me. Yes, they disciplined me when I was a kid. But they never sid anything hurtful. And, hopefully, I never said anything mean or hurtful to them either. I don't think I ever did. Years ago, my son told me that he hated me one day in an argument. He was probably about 14 at the time. He's 24 now, and has apologized about a dozen times for those words. Bless his heart. I forgave him long ago. And he hasn't been hurtful since.
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