I wish I could strangle my friend.....

@ronaldinu (12454)
Malta
October 27, 2008 6:37pm CST
I wish I could strangle my friend when she talks badly of her daughter. Some of you might have read other posts regarding this issue. This is my real life drama right now and I do feel comfortable of sharing a piece of my life with you. Usually I am not a judgmental person and I accept all different opinions. In brief one of my colleagues has adopted a daughter from another foreign country. Her daughter had glue ears and an operation was carried out six months ago. This has hindered her speech development. My colleague fears that her daughter has some form of disabilty and is so obsessed that something is wrong with her adopted girl that she is trying to do all sorts of medical examinations to find what it is. She has not bonded with her adoptive daughter and I do suspect that she will never do. This afternoon my colleague told me that if the medical results won't be as expected she would give her adoptive daughter for fostering or adoption. She said that she is on the verge of a breakdown and she cannot take it anymore. She cannot take care of this child if she has problems or disability. You can imagine what I have told her and what my reaction was! I treat this colleague as if she was my sister. I told her that you are being egoistic and you cannot reason that way. You don't have a guarantee that even your own children are going to be born perfect without any disability. My wife and I offered to foster or adopt this daughter but we don't want to see this child suffering! I told my colleague that she should start loving her child first and then do all sorts of medical tests later. I told her if she is not ready to love unconditionally than she can give her for adoption or fostering as from today. I wish I could strangle (metaphorically speaking) my colleague....when she reasons like this. Adoption is not window shopping! Adopting a child is not like buying a car! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr Please pray for this situation so what is the best for this child happens!
18 people like this
39 responses
• Malaysia
28 Oct 08
If I were you I won't be that worried about her situation. This is her life, and she has all the right to do whatever she wants with it. I am not telling that you are wrong. It is good because you are very caring towards her, and you treat her like your own sister. I think you are being too empathic and putting yourself into her situation, and you are angry because she didn't have the same solution as you are thinking. Just let her be. If she wants to put her daughter back to the foster home, just let her. If you, on the other hand, had fallen in love (I mean you have seen the child and now you feel her as a family already) then maybe you should take her for adoption. But as what you told earlier, you can't adopt her because you don't want to see her suffering? So you yourself are not ready to take her, but you are angry when she is not ready to take care for her. If she thinks adoption is window shopping, let her be. This is personal principals in life and you should not interfere with things like this.
2 people like this
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
28 Oct 08
I know that it is her life and I cannot intrude in her life but at the end of the day I am really worried that a 2 and a half years daughter is suffering due to bad decisions taken by adults.
1 person likes this
@hildas (3031)
28 Oct 08
Your fiend is lucky to have a friend like you. She is also lucky to have a daughter to love. So what if she has a disability, she probably will not have a bad one, as my daughter had glue ears and is perfectly normal. I cannot believe she would put her daughter up for adoption because of it or anything really. Yes I will pray for your situation and for this child.
@dawnald (84109)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Oct 08
It's kind of like giving up on a marriage because you can't handle your spouses medical problems. It's wrong, but people find themselves in that situation all the time. Unfortunately sometimes you just don't find out what people are made of until they have to face situations like this. I really feel for the child.
2 people like this
• Canada
27 Oct 08
That woman is not fit to have children, and I don't blame you in the least bit for wanting to strangle her. I have some disabilities myself (i prefer to call them challenges) and my mother was strong enough to help me. This woman is punishing her daughter for her own weaknesses as a mother. Maybe it would be better if the girl was given to another family. The mother doesn't deserve her.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Oct 08
Believe it or not, this is the reason I know I will never be a parent. I am too self centered and I am not patient.I don't understand why your "friend" doesn't just send the girl to you.I believe you are right, she will never love the child and what she thinks is a nervous breakdown is the little girl acting out because she isn't getting any love or attention.Here in the States,you could go to child services and the case would be heard in court.If the child knows you and you have a stable home,there would be a good chance the court would have you be her foster parents.I hope when she finally wants to let the little girl come to your home that it is an easy transition. Question.Does the little girl know and like you?
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
28 Oct 08
Her daughter has seen us a few couple of times. I would adopt or foster her with my eyes closed if it is for the benefit of the child.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Oct 08
Did she seem comfortable with you? if so, then get the ball rolling, I mean start the foster care/adoption process.There has got to be a third party, an official that can help you become her foster or adoptive parents.My wish for you is that the next time you sit down to write a post about this, it will be to tell us that you have a new daughter.
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
28 Oct 08
While prayers are certainly helpful, what this situation needs is action...immediately! Your friend has serious issues, but they are secondary to the needs of her adopted daughter. How would you feel if she strangled this child (actually speaking) because she is so convinced that there is something wrong with her? Get that child out of that house, even if you and your wife take her to foster, or by other means. Once that poor child is getting proper care elsewhere, hopefully your colleague (with support from friends like you and your wife) can get the medical she needs. You are so right, children are not cars. Each is special and deserving of love, warmth and the freedom to reach into their own futures.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
28 Oct 08
Maybe there is a misunderstanding, I never meant that my friend wants to strangle or do any physicallyl harm to her daughter. (I wrote that I want to strangle my friend a figure of speech). I do agree with you that children are not commodities.
@ANTIQUELADY (36492)
• United States
28 Oct 08
we have talked about this before. she is a very selfish person & does not deserve that child or any child. i hope things improve but i wouldn't hold my breath.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36492)
• United States
28 Oct 08
i don't think u meant this message for me but i enjoyed reading your message. i agreed w/what u said. i'm sorry about your daughter, she is lucky to have a mom like you. antique lady
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Oct 08
i cannot believe she is still being so heartless about her!! i hope you either get her or they find her a positive environment soon.. that negativity she is spewing will (if it hasnt already) kill the child.. she will prob need therapy already even though she hasnt had to deal with it for very long.. heaven help her if she stays with her!!
1 person likes this
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I will pray for that child and for what will happenA at this point and the way she is acting and thinking I don't think it is wise for her to keep the child, she has made her mind up and it will affect her feelings toward this child. The child probably would be treated better with another family. If only this personality of your friend would have come out before the adoption it would have spared a lot of heartship for the poor child. I pray that you and your wife will adopt this child so that you can contribute to this child's future. How old is the child?
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
28 Oct 08
No offense to your friend but she does sound like a regular egotists! I am glad that you and your wife have agreed to step in and adopt the child if necessary and I hope if you do do so that no problems will come from the original adopted mother (your friend) or the biological mother!
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Yes ronaldinu, I remember this discussion and you telling us that you and your wife would be happy to adopt this little girl. So why won't your friend let you if she no longer wants her? What is the problem now? If she is still treating her like she is then why won't she turn over custody to you and your wife? If she is ready to give her up for foster care or adoption then what is the hold up? How old is this poor child? She must know that there is something wrong because this woman won't touch her and is acting strange toward her. This is so unfair to this poor little girl! If this was happening here in the USA we have something called Child Protective Services and they would have taken the little girl right out of that home and charged the woman with child neglect! There has to be something or some way that you can get through to this woman! She is cruel! She is the one who is sick! Can't you speak to her husband? Doesn't he realize what his wife is doing to this child? Someone has to step in for the sake of the child!
@wahmivy (778)
• Philippines
28 Oct 08
How did the adoption agencies see your friend fit for parenthood? I thought it was hard to pass these screeners and that some wait years before they are approved. It seems to me your friend should have just gotten a doll to play with instead of an actual person to care for. Hopefully, she will come around and realize what a blessing it is to have a child no matter how imperfect.To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's just not the type to be good at dealing with crises. Perhaps support and encouragement from family and friends will allow her to come to her senses and muster the strength to deal with her situation. I'll pray for both mother and child.
1 person likes this
• China
28 Oct 08
I can understand your feeling ,it is unbelievable,you are a good friend for her!Thanks for sharing this story!God bless all the people!!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Oct 08
What a horrible life for that poor little girl. There are so many people in this world that would love to have children and can't- here your friend is fortunate enough to have one that she can't be bothered with. She doesn't deserve to be a parent. That little girl deserves a good life with a mom who will love her. No one is perfect and there is always a chance that someone may get sick or injured and we have to learn to deal with that. Did she expect this little girl to be perfect? She is so obsessed with the medical tests and results it makes me think that part of her wants something to be wrong so she has an 'excuse' to get rid of this poor child. I think the little girl should be taken away from her. I have 2 daughters of my own and there isn't a thing in the world that could change how I feel about them. I would stand by them and take care of them no matter what and that's how it's supposed to be. I will certainly pray for this sweet little girl to find love and happiness.
@Hatley (142924)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Oct 08
hi ronaldinu yes I can sure agree with you ther. We had a little girl born to us who was brain damaged at birth and we loved her just as much as we loved her brother. those things happen and we have to deal with them as best we can.Our little girl was one of the sweetest most loveable little girls you would ever meet, no matter that she was brain damaged. we loved her just as much maybe more than her brother, and we cherished every moment of her short eight years with us. shame on that friend of yours, she is heartless. a kid is not like buying a perfectpiece of furniture. she is a human being with feelings.I will pray for all of you and hope things get better for your friends little girl.
1 person likes this
@Humbug25 (12552)
28 Oct 08
Hi there ronaldinu I think you are a very caring person and your wife has also agreed with you that it would be ok to adopt the child. I think you should do this as quickly as possible so that the child can get into a loving and caring family with the attention that she needs and deserves as soon as possible. Why don't you and your colleague start to make arrangements for you to adopt the child?
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
28 Oct 08
We have not taken the necessary steps because she is still pondering on the idea whether to give her to adoption or not. If the medical tests result negative that the child is normal with no disabilty she will keep the child. If not she will give it for adoption or fostering.
1 person likes this
@Humbug25 (12552)
28 Oct 08
Blimey, excuse my bluntness but why doesn't she just toss a coin?!!!
@kun2349 (23475)
• Singapore
31 Oct 08
Your fren is definitely too much.. Since she has already adopted her, she should assume responsibility for her.. ACt like her real mother and care for her.. And if she thinks that she's spending too much money on her treatments, then she only has herself to blame because she's the one whom wanna confirm everything.. I guess she's not willing to accept the fact that she is so 'unlucky' to adopt an 'abnormal' child, and that she just dun wanna be laugh at by her frenz or others when she brings her out.. She is thinking too much of her own interest rather than her 'daughter'.. I will rather she give up the child for adoption than letting the child suffer with her..
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
3 Nov 08
"She is thinking too much of her own interest rather than her 'daughter'.." You are correct on this point.
1 person likes this
@mienkoos (95)
• Netherlands
28 Oct 08
It's strange that they've let het adopt a child. Here in Holland you need to go through a very thorough screening and if you're not able to cope with a child that's different than you expected I don't think you'll be able to adopt the child. I don't know if you're friend knows how good the life of a child with disabilities can be? But I think she should open herself more for people that are different. People with a speechproblem or a developmental disability are just as worth loving as people without disability. I think the problem is not the fact that she adopted the girl, but accepting her the way she is. I can imagine she wants to know what's wrong, so looking for the reason for her developmental problems is something I think she can do. But she should also do nice things with her. I don't know how old she is, but even with paint making her handprints on a canvas is a nice activity to do together and to bond. Or playing with water, sand etc. Those activities are so good also for her development and can help your friend to enjoy her child.
@ronaldinu (12454)
• Malta
28 Oct 08
Thamks for your interesting feedback.
@Pose123 (21671)
• Canada
29 Oct 08
Hi ronaldinu,I totally agree with you about this and you are giving her excellent advise. I like what you say about it not being like buying a car because that is how she seems to be thinking. This is a child who needs love, needs to know that she is loved unconditionally. She needs to know that someone is always there for her and that she has a special placed called home. Blessings.
@ersmommy1 (12605)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I had a friend who was adopted. Then given back to the childrens home. It has been very damaging to him even in his adult life. I agree with you. This is terrible. Children are to be cherished. None of us is perfect. Shame on her. I hope things turn out all right. It would be great if you get to foster a daughter.