I Need Your Opinion - What Would You Do?

@CatsandDogs (13964)
United States
October 28, 2008 2:48pm CST
As well as my update that I promised you a few days ago but I've gotten side tracked (what's new?!) but here it is. As most of you know, my nephew is renting my parents old house. The one he wanted to buy but his newly married wife left him not even two months after the wedding so now he can't afford to buy the house. Hell, he's having a terrible time paying the rent but feels obligated to stay so that my parents can pay the mortgage payment until it sells. Majority of the time my brother, my nephew's dad helps him pay the rent but my nephew has to pay his dad back. (Gosh I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that bill! Whew!) Anyway, his SUV was repossessed back in Feb or March and his mother was the signer of the loan and my nephew co-signed. It should've been the other way around but it's not. Now the bank says she owes them $5,000. and it has to be paid by a certain time or she'll go to jail. Since the car belonged to my nephew, he's feeling really bad about the situation that he put his mother in and wants to help her out - as he should but can't stay in my parents house paying the rent and help her too because he doesn't make that much. He makes enough to pay the rent but nothing is left such as food, electric and heating oil that he needs so it's no wonder his dad helps him to pay the rent for he can stretch a dollar only so far. He's talking about moving out soon but hasn't said when. Mom talked to him yesterday (finally got him to call her back!) and he said he's going to stay for the month of November and doesn't know about December until that month comes up. And he told her that his cat had four more kittens (the father of these kittens are either the brother or the son) which are inbreds. She had them on the living room floor (carpet) and my nephew said he's tried to clean some of it up and will try to get the rest of it tomorrow when he has more time to work on it AND he said that when one of the male cats gets mad at him, it'll go and pee on something and that the house doesn't smell very good right now but he'll get it cleaned up. Now mom and dad say they may need to replace the carpet throughout the whole house. GREAT. Just what they need!! They're trying so hard to get rid of the house that they've come down on their asking price.... Waaaaay down but being the market is what it is, it's not selling just yet. Now there is this one girl who wants the place and is waiting for her settlement from a car wreck but it'll be another year before she gets that settlement so, waiting for her is out. About two weeks ago, my brother and I had a huge fallen out. He misunderstood me and then thought he could dominate me. Well guess what? He found out WRONG!! I'm not one to be dominated ANYMORE. I can talk to anyone all day long and still disagree with them but I will not tolerate being yelled at, ridiculed or mocked in any way shape or form and I let him know it. We're talking now but just barely however, I offered to go up to the house which is four hours away and paint the house and clean it from top to bottom so to better the chances of getting it sold quicker. My brother, my nephew's dad demanded that I not go to the house and paint while his son is still living there. Oh that ticked me off in a big way!! The reason is because I'm down here with our parents and I see them worry their heads off and I'm freaking out because with them being under such stress that could cause mom to have another stroke or dad to have another heart attack which will kill them. Mom is still recovering from the bad stroke she just had in April so to have another one especially so soon after the first is sure to be a killer for her and dad has had a few heart attacks already and the doctor has told him the next one will take him because he doesn't have much heart left. They're worried sick because they don't have the money to make the house payments if my nephew were to move out. If I painted the house, it'll have a better chance at selling.... quicker. Now because my brother and I had a fallen out, and he demanded that I not go up there to paint while his son is still living there, mom and dad don't want me to go up there for it might cause another fallen out between my brother and I if I do go. I mean, I'm wondering about my brother "What side are you on? Right or wrong?" His son is so irresponsible as hell and he's burned so many bridges that he's running out of bridges to burn now but why should I allow him to make my parents suffer more with the stress he's causing. Mom and dad know that they won't be able to sell the house with him in it because he lives in such a pigsty. So what would you do? A) Go up there anyway and paint the house and hope for the best? Hope for the best meaning, my brother won't cause a fuss and the house will get painted and hopefully sell quicker. Even when my nephew moves out and marks the place up with his moving, the paint job will be relatively new so I could go back and do some touch ups which wouldn't take long at all. OR B) Stay home and do the best I can in supporting mom and dad in their decision knowing full well I could help but didn't and watch them slowly kill themselves over the stress of it all.
4 people like this
12 responses
• China
29 Oct 08
if i were you, i'd like to choose No.A. you know, there's a saying in China which said that:??????(better a finger off as eye wagging)! God bless you & Good luck!
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
I agree. The more I can get done now the better off we all will be because it'll be in much better shape by the time I'm finished with it and there won't be so much to do after that except some touch ups after he moves out and then the cleaning that'll need to be done. Thanks! God Bless You Too!!
@GardenGerty (101611)
• United States
28 Oct 08
You are darned if you do and darned if you don't. You know, of course, that if you go up there, again, you may cause your parents to stress over that and cause another heart attack or stroke. Their last memory might even be of you and your brother fighting.You would feel really guilty over that. What does your husband think, he is observing first hand? You are not superwoman. Wait til the boy gets out of the place. Tell him to get that cat spayed. Use peroxide on the carpet where the kittens were born. I do not have a great solution for the pee smell, I have it here. I have heard shaving cream and I have heard club soda.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
28 Oct 08
You said it right GG... I am damned either way I go and it's not right. No I don't want that to be the last memory but neither do I want the last memory be of them worrying and crying all the time. No I'm not a superwoman but mom is well enough now that dad can care for her himself and I have all this free time and would like to use it wisely but I'm being put in this stupid position. Waiting for him to move out isn't the best way because it takes time to paint and clean and my parents don't have the time, they need to get rid of the place now... yesterday! If he moves out, who's going to pay the mortgage payment? My parents can't afford to and they fear they'll lose the house to the bank if it's not sold or rented but nobody in their right mind will buy or rent the place in the condition it's in. Telling him to have his cat fixed is like pulling teeth! We've all told him time and time again to get her fixed as well as the males because they're brother and sister and could have deformed kittens but they wouldn't listen. Oh they said they were going to time and time again and the cat got pregnant and had four kittens, homes were found for three of them but the one male they kept and it bred with it's mother as well as the brother to the mother cat too and now my nephew has four more kittens. He says he's going to have her fixed and no more and bla bla bla but we all know better and know he's not going to do it. But if I could get up there, I'd be sure she got fixed as well as the two males! AND I'd paint the house as well as clean it good! Thanks for the suggestions in how to get the pee smell out for I so need it!! I was going to use carpet shampoo for pets and hope for the best but I'll use the ideas you gave me as well. So you see, either way it's still ends up being a bad memory..... but if it's one that I was helping then maybe it wouldn't be such a bad memory? I don't know.
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
29 Oct 08
I believe you should stay home and lend your parents a shoulder to cry on. I do not believe neither you or your parents need the extra stress, they already let you know what they want anyways. Good luck, the market is bad but I will assume even tho you have not told me that your parents are seniors and they should be some special help for them.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
So you think I should just let it go and let our parents stress out more over the situation when I have all this time on my hands to try to make it better? No buyer or renter will want that place after what my nephew has done to it. If I go paint the place and then after he moves out, clean it really good and do some paint touch ups the place will be transformed back to it's former glory and it'll raise the chances of it selling or renting quicker. To just stay here and do nothing but watch my parents deteriorate isn't my idea of last memories. Besides, my brother works two jobs and doesn't have the time to do it nor would he if he did have the time and he lives nearby whereas I live four hours away with no job and have all the time in the world to do it and it would make the situation better than it is right now.
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Yes, basically that's it, wait for your nephew to leave, I think that is basically what your parents told you to do, not to cause them more stress by letting your brother cause more drama.
1 person likes this
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I do not know what to tell you, I feel very bad for your situation, at least talk to your parents and see if you can come up with a new solution. I do not know why as parents we tend sometimes to hurt our kids, I wish I knew, but meantime keep strong.
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9920)
• United States
28 Oct 08
That's a difficult one for sure hon. I take it your brother's head is still buried in a deep dark orofice in his body? He needs to get over himself, and so does his son. To be honest, as stubborn and bullheaded as I am, I would be the one to go and paint the house in spite of the nephew still being there. Hopefully, for your sake and your parent's sake, he will be out in a month or so and the house can be taken care of then. You're in my thoughts and prayers sweetie.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
28 Oct 08
To be honest Kat, I don't know where my brother stands at the moment. Although we're talking, it's only barely and it's been decent - so far. He demanded that I not paint that house with his son still living there in an email but didn't tell me why but he hasn't said it during our phone conversations so I don't really know how he feels. When my mom talked to my nephew yesterday, he said he didn't mind my coming up to paint but that there's a lot of stuff in the living room plus boxes and boxes of stuff and mom told me it would be a waste of time to do it knowing how he lives and the condition the house is in now but I feel this way, if I can get it painted and by the time he moves out, the paint will still be relatively fresh, what ever he marks up, I could do a touch up job and make it look like new again which wouldn't take me long at all to do. No renter or buyer is going to want the place in the condition that it's in right now so something has to be done and soon or the house is going to be in no shape to do anything with at all. I just want to help and can't understand why my parents and brother can't see that. Putting it on the back burner isn't the way to go. Getting things done now while we can is the right way to go. Either way I could be the one to get screwed which wouldn't be a surprise for I'm so used to being the "bad" guy even when I'm trying to help but still, it would be for good reasons and not for bad. I feel like I'm running in circles for I'm tired of running into brick walls!! ARG!!
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9920)
• United States
29 Oct 08
Well, I guess if they don't want anything done right now, it's got to be that way. Just make sure you have something to grab onto for the dizziness from going in circles, and wear a padded suit for those darned brick walls. LOL. Hugs to you hon.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
Get a load of this.... a week ago, mom asked if I could do it while my nephew is living there and I said yes and so she checked to see if it would be ok with my nephew and he said he wouldn't mind then yesterday she tells me not to do it because she didn't want my brother and I quarrling and bla bla bla. Why is she giving in to my deg gone inconsiderate brother?? I don't get it.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Oct 08
Your nephew and your brother both seem very disrespectful. It's not as if your parents have to let him rent or live there. They could easily rent to someone more responsible. And as for your brother, shame on him. I think you should go paint anyway, at least that way when he does move out , there won't be so much to do so that it does sell quicker!!
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
Both of them are air heads. I love them both but they're air heads nonetheless. Hopefully my nephew will grow up (26 years old now) and accept responsibility of his actions. SOME DAY. The funny thing is, about a week ago my mom asked if I could do it with my nephew there and I said yes and he said he wouldn't mind. Yesterday she tells me not to do it because she didn't want to see my brother and I quarrling. As if he needs to know?! If I could just get in there and get the job done, there won't be so much to do when he does finally move out and yeah, it'll sell quicker. Why is that so hard for them to see that? I just don't get it.
• United States
29 Oct 08
It sounds as if your mom is being bullied by your brother...ugh, like I said, how rude, disrespectful ect...We rent from an elderly couple, and we treat the house as if we own, painting and doing repairs as needed, both major and minor. My fiance just replaced the flooring in the bathroom, as well as some pipes that needed to be saudered ...we even help up keep their yard on occasion. And in return, they treat us with kindness, and we sometimes share meals, and they visit with my kids on occasion...
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
29 Oct 08
You are in a spot, although I am not sure I would want to go in and do it while he is there. If he is as bad as you say at upkeeping, it may not do any good. Go with your gut.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
Yeah I am. That's why I haven't been on here much because I've been so torn up over this because it's killing me slowly inside watching my parents freak out over it. I feel this way, if I can get in there and paint the whole place and clean it after he moves out, and if he marks the walls while moving out, the paint will be relatively fresh, I could go in and touch it up and it'll be like new once again and all I'd have to do is clean the place from top to bottom which wouldn't be all that hard to do. It's the painting that takes time.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
29 Oct 08
good luck with what you decide, it sounds like you are going to be hitting your head on a brick wall, whichever way you go.
1 person likes this
@fornits (44)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
Such a situation there huh.. If I were you, I won't go there and paint the house just yet.. it would just create more tension to everyone.. specially to your parents. My suggestions: 1. Don't deal with your brother head to head. He's angry. If you get angry too, you won't solve anything. Be the bigger man, your parents need you to. If he shoots you a nasty email, answer back politely, intelligently stating your opinion on the matter. Don't lose your head. It's not the way. Be patient. Better if you could talk to him personally. 2. Talk to your nephew. Get him on your side. Create a win-win solution. For example, the two of you paint and clean the house and once it sells, he will get a portion of the proceeds (something like that). This way, he will keep the house clean while waiting for the sale. Hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Yeah it is a nasty situation and I have a feeling it's about to get worse. Much worse before it gets better. My brother and I already had it out and I had to threaten to block him to get him to stop emailing me with his ugly emails. I did send him a truce email a little over a week later and he and I have talked over the phone a couple of times but we both know we need to find the time to talk this out, or rather, he needs to find the time for I have the time, when it'll happen, God only knows. I haven't talked to him again about the painting that I wanted to do weeks ago and don't want to bring it up for I don't know how he'll react so I'd much rather go up there and do it without his knowledge for his son, my nephew told my mom that he wouldn't mind. The only problem with talking to my nephew is getting him to answer his darned phone or getting him to call me back. He's awful about doing either. It's like pulling teeth! Now offering a portion of the sale is out because he's destroyed the place by not getting his cats fixed and they've sprayed who knows where and it stinks to the high heavens now. Not only that but, mom and dad have come down off the price from $290 thousand to $225. thousand in which there won't be much left for them as it is and they may have to do some major repairs before putting it on the market again and that's even less money for my parents to enjoy what life they have left since mom is almost 73 and dad is 78 and both have enormous health problems.
• United States
29 Oct 08
well i dont know that is a very big pickle im sorry thats so sad i wish i could help after hearing all that you must have alot on you rmind right now i know that i would i know that i would just want to find some way to help my family bad you feel like there is almost nothing that you can do because you and your brother had a falling out which is sad in itsself i could say try to be the bigger person but its hard to do that if the person you want to make up with is over bearing i know i have tried its like you give them an invite to do the same thing over again and its like you want them to dtell you what to do i really dont know on this one just do what you can i guess
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
Exactly! He's hurt me so many times over the years that it's become a case of "ENOUGH ALREADY!" I've told him that too however, he doesn't know what it is he's done that hurt me because I'm the one who tries to keep the peace. Well no more. I have a mind of my own and opinions as well as ideas and they may not be the same as his but that's ok but for him to demand me to not paint the house with my nephew living there is just unbelieveably over the line!! Especially when it's our parents that are involved and their health isn't good and this stress will only make it worse in which they could have another stroke or heart attack which I want to do my best to prevent at all costs. Why can't my stupid brother see that?
• Malaysia
29 Oct 08
Wow.. what a situation.. But the things is, no matter what, he's your brother.. so I would opt for option A.. Go and just paint the house and hope for the best.. Who cares if your brother said such awful things.. just don't sink down to his level. He is under a lot of stress as it is, it's not fair for him to put it out on you. But that is what he is doing, I would just suggest, ignore him, and just paint the house. :) I hope things get better.. :) hugs
1 person likes this
@underdogtoo (9599)
• Philippines
29 Oct 08
This is a very interesting discussion and I believe you get many suggestions. I also hope that the problem gets sorted out, soon if not later. Cheers!!
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
What?! You don't have any suggestions in which I should do? Come on!! Help me out here!! What would you do? It may be an interesting discussion but I need some interesting answers too!! lol
@Polly1 (12648)
• United States
28 Oct 08
WOW!! Damm girl you got it coming and going. I don't think there is alot to be done right now. I don't think it would be good to go up there, that would just cause problems and cause your mom and dad even more stress. Is your brother and nephew willing to help paint and clean it up after he moves out? Lets hope they will. I think you have to be patient and wait to go up there. The housing market is horrible right now, its not the time to try to sell. I do know that you don't have much choice though. I do have an idea, have you talked with the bank who holds the mortgage, they might be able to offer some assistance. As for the house getting foreclosed on, that takes time before that can happen. Good luck, you know your friends are here to listen (or read) to you. It does help when you can vent some of your frustrations out. Take care.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
29 Oct 08
Tell me about it Polly. This year has been pure hell. January 1st 2009 can't come soon enough!! Like it's going to change anything, well, I hope it does. A new year a fresh start. About going up there or not, my parents will be stressed out regardless if I go up there or not. As for my brother and nephew, I don't want their help, after my brother and I had the fallen out, I don't want his patronizing self near me while I'm stuck at the house cleaning. It would be too much for me and I can get it done a whole lot faster without his hinderence. We don't know when my nephew will be moving out. Right now it's a touch and go situation. He wants to stay until the house is sold but he can't afford to and my brother can't help past December (I don't know what his reasons are) but still, his son should be supporting himself instead of his dad helping him like he is. Mom and dad have talked to the bank and they said they could refinance but mom and dad know they won't qualify because they don't make enough. See, they mortgaged the house to buy the new one because my nephew wanted to buy it. My nephew and his wife were going to buy it but she left him not even two months after the wedding and he can't afford to buy it alone and can't afford the rent either but his rent pays the mortgage until it's sold. Now if I were to paint it, which it needs badly, it'll have a better chance at selling or being rented. As it is now, it won't get sold or rented. I'm damned either way.
• Canada
28 Oct 08
No matter how sentimental and obliged he feels about the house, i think not having his mother go to jail is far more important a priority.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I understand your opinion but you know, he should've made the car payments then so it would'nt have been repossessed to begin with and his mother knew about his inability to be responsible but she signed for the loan anyway. And, should my parents, his grandparents suffer from his mistakes? I mean, where does it end?