Same old crap??

United States
November 25, 2008 1:06pm CST
So i got back with my husband a few months ago. At first it was great, he was super nice and was letting me have my night out once a week. But the more and more we are together the more it seems like it was before. He gets mad when I go out on my night out, he started smoking pot again because to him, he doesn't like to go out so if I am going to go to the bar then this is his 'thing to do'. He is in a bad mood most of the time and we are clashing on how to raise the baby. He has a better job than before but we still could use some extra cash but he won't let me get a second job. He says it's his responsibility to make the money. He wants to get a new job in the same field but hasn't made any attempts. I am the one doing everything. I am regretting my decision just yet but wondering if things are really changed or if that was an act to get me back?
2 people like this
14 responses
@jmp_72 (246)
• Seychelles
25 Nov 08
There is a reason why you broke up previously and if you got back together it must be because you felt whatever the problem was, you have been able to address it. But if now after sometimes you feel like things are getting back to the way it was (i mean on the bad sides) then maybe you should make a decision. Should you stay in a relationship where you are unhappy? Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and let him know how you feeling.
• United States
25 Nov 08
I wouldnt even say that I am unhappy. I am just observing these things happeneing. I know that he is who he is and that's not going to change but something like the pot smoking he can change about himself. How he reacts to our daughter, small things that seem to be building up. I think the pot is the biggest issue because none of this stuff was happeneing until he started smoking again.
25 Nov 08
Forgive me being blunt, but why are you with someone who "lets you" do things? Surely that's your choice, not his? Never go back, that's my rule - NEVER, unless the person has had a life-changing experience. If not, they're still the same person and you're just headed back to familiar territory and the same old crap. :(
3 people like this
• United States
25 Nov 08
I say 'let' as in not giving me crap about it like he used to if I wanted to go out before. I kind of have a feeling this isn't going to work out.
1 person likes this
@Anne18 (11036)
25 Nov 08
I'm sorry things aren't working out for you. I hope things look up for you, and I'll look out for you on here. Its good that you can come and talk on here with us. Please try and be happy and do what is best for you and your baby.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Nov 08
Well I am not completely innocent in all of this either. I do smoke with him sometimes. I dont have a problem with the act of smoking pot but I don't want to buy it and I dont' want it smoked around my daughter. If she is in bed and we are in another room then it's okay to me. Maybe I am just trying to justify it in my head. I am fine either smoking it or not smoking it. I maily just smoke to relzx but I suppose I could find other ways to do that.
@Darkwing (21588)
25 Nov 08
Forgive me for saying this, but from what you've written here, all I see in your husband is a selfish person. Why doesn't he want you to take a job... you need time out as much as he does and it would give you some feeling of achievement and usefulness within the family unit. Doesn't he trust you to go out of the house alone, or something? He doesn't come with you on your night out... why? Aren't you supposed to do things "together"? Your words... his 'thing to do' is to stay home when you go out and smoke pot. You have a baby, for goodness' sake!!! Why is he smoking pot in the house, around the baby... selfishness again. I feel you've either got to talk these problems out with him, so that you both get your own 'space', or it's time to move on for good, and no going back a second time, my friend. If he doesn't take serious steps to kick the pot habit and an anger management course, and prove to you that he genuinely cares, then you're better off without him. I'm sorry, but I can only see this ending badly, and the child will suffer. Brightest Blessings and good luck with this.
• United States
25 Nov 08
When I left him before I had brought up to him many times the issues that he had/we had. He refused to stop smoking pot, refused to change anything. Maybe I am a little hestiant to talk about it cause I feel it's not gonna do anything. He will jsut defend himself and try to make me feel bad for bringin it up. He is a manipulator. I know cause I can be like that too. I know that's not the way to go about things. I just dont know.
25 Nov 08
I do not think you are in a good situation at all. It sounds like your husband has not changed and if you are arguing about bringing up your baby it is not good for the child. I presume you have been raising your baby without him and you have been managing. If you have to get permission to go out it is not good. neither is your husband smoking pot around your child. Get away from there as soon as possible. A leopard does not change its spots.
• United States
25 Nov 08
when I left him he called CYS on me alleging that I abused her. She fell off the bed in between the bed and a wooden table and got a big bruise on her arm. He did it cause I wouldnt get back with him. So he had her for about a month and of course I got a lawyer and we got a split custody order. Then we got back together and that order has since been dropped. That was a very traumitizing thing for my family and Stephanie suffered the most from it. I am just afraid of what will happen if I do end up leaving him again.
@phoenix25 (1543)
• United States
26 Nov 08
It was an act. He was manipulating you and you fell for it. He also sounds like a control freak...the kind that wants a lot of control but not a lot of responsibility. Take backs are a bad idea and this is just another example of why that is.
• India
26 Nov 08
It appears to me that you are not set on making the marriage work. If you are then you are not going about it the right way. Why the night out? Are yo really more interested in teh night out or in making the marriage work? I know we all love certain things in life but then if it is coming in the way and becomeing a hinderence to something more important tehn why not stop it.it is not as though you can not do without yor night out. Why not sit at home with your husband and create the right atmosphere for a romantic evenign and have a drink with him insteasd of a night out. Why is the night out so imoortant when yor husbvand resents it? I think if he does resent your night out then you should stop it. Decide what is more important to you. There will be differences but you should sit and talk it out like two mature adults instead of quarreling over petty things. If things are not going to work out tehnjust separate and go your ways and do not try to get back together again.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Nov 08
I think it is fair after 3 year of me not being able to do anything without him that I get to have a night to myself to do what I want to do. that's not me going about it wrong or not wanting to make the marriage work. Me going out isnt a hinderance. I just think that he is jealous of me going out without him. Also I think he thinks I will cheat on him which is ridiculous. I wasn't 'in love' with him before but now i am and I don't want anyone else but him.
@Khayam (346)
• Romania
25 Nov 08
Although your baby might be a good reason for you to get back toghether, you should ponder if both of you create a good environment for him/her. Usually relationships involve a mutual respect between partners. From your words I can only understand that you share different systems of value. Either you make some compromises in order to understand, respect and love each other, either you follow a different path. People don't change overnight, or without a triggering factor. This factor could be you, so actually if you want him to change, show him that you changed too. This is my 2 cents advice.
• Philippines
26 Nov 08
I strongly agree with you. First they should talked about what was their problem about, and what they dislike from each other and then make some compromises. don't do things that your husband don't like you to do and ask him to do the same thing.
• United States
26 Nov 08
Would you spank this child, or give it a curfue? - This is a picture of a baby. It's not MY baby, but the picture is nice, wouldn't you agree?
It was just an act to get you back. If you somehow get away from him again, STAY AWAY!!!When he starts doing lovey things and creeping back into your confidence, remember all the reasons why you left him the first (and second) time. Kick him to the curb and raise your baby. I worked with a young woman once who had a baby and her husband was telling her to go against her maternal instincts. He thought he knew everything and what he was doing was going off of information that he'd always heard without knowing that it was age-sensitive. You don't treat a newborn the way you treat a toddler and you don't treat a toddler as you would a teenager. Men don't know these things. Good luck and... Happy MyLotting!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Nov 08
if your instincts are telling you "this isnt going to work" then TRUST THEM. sounds like everything is backsliding into the same situation it was before you left him. and thats not a place you want to be. he did the "im different" act to get you back, and now that he has you back and you are doing what he says (or giving into his bad mood) then he has no reason to keep up the act. dont let him push you back down into the hole you got out of when you left him!
@ClassyCat (1214)
• United States
26 Nov 08
What I'm wondering, is did you meet him through one of your 'night's out'? Bars are not a good place to go to meet people - or - to have a 'night out.' What is sad, is that this innocent child is 'learning' by watching her parents, how to act. She will follow the pattern of life that she sees you and your husband living out in front of her. And too, should this all end, and you find someone new, how do you know you can trust a new guy with your child's safety? I hope you can get a solution to all of this. Have you tried any counsleing? Both of you have to look at yourselves, and not each other, when it comes to what needs to be fixed. Sorry to also be a bit blunt here, but it's best to face all and any things that will help bring change, and that's what I see is needed. We all have to look at 'self' and see what we need to do to: 1. Change ourselves and 2. Make sure we don't repeat what we've done in the next relationship - or you'll go through this again eventually.
• United States
26 Nov 08
If you don't like the way things are then you are the one who has to do some thing to change it.It will not change it self.Good or Bad.You are the one to make up your mind to be happy....
@silverglint (2001)
• Philippines
27 Nov 08
I had an officemate who did the same thing, broke up with her guy, then she took him back after he promised to change and was super sweet and thoughtful. They had a baby, but after a while he was not just back to his old ways, he got worse. He even started hitting my officemate. I think if someone tried to change because they wanted to get something in return or to win someone back then the change will not be permanent. Unless a person changes because he is truly repentant of his ways and that he admits that what he does was wrong then there will be no real change. Maybe you can try to talk to him first, remind him of his promise to change, but if he refuses to listen then it might be better for you to stop the relationship before it becomes harmful for you and the baby.
@sinedox (16)
• United States
26 Nov 08
In all honesty, you need to do what will make you happy and what is best for the child whether or not that means you are apart or together! Whether it means you take turns taking you daughter. Realize that no one can make this choice for you. Don't stay in agony and don't leave and wonder what could have been. If you need to maybe seek marital counseling. I know it sounds for the weirdo's, but it is a great way to mediate. Make clear what you expect and give in return. Only treat someone the way you want to be treated. I'm not saying you havent. Relationships are hard and they take lots of work. I have been with my boy friend for 3 & 1/2 years now. It's not long, but we have been on the long hall! He has a son, with another girl. He is about 4 years old. They are seperated, and happy, both have moved on. As for the child. He has even more love in his life. In some situations things work out better. Even though we are not ready to have kids, I accept his son as my own and I respect his mother. I am just letting you know, hope is never lost!!! If you are afraid of leaving for her sake, you need to think about everyone involved in your family. It is possible to find love and acceptance other places. But deep down only you will know how you feel! Listen to your instinct's.
• United States
26 Nov 08
I'm in the same boat, sweety. I'm 19 years old, a first time mom and going through a divorce. I left my husbend back in July ( before our son was born) because he wanted to live with his parents and not get us a place, along with some other things. After I had the baby in August, I came home to my parents and filed for divorce. He has a job and some how thinks he has no resposiblaties. All he wants to do is party and to him having a baby is "not real". We were going to try and work things out, but he started being a jerk again. He's controling and the kind of guy that always has to have it his way. I would leave his butt if I were you. No one changes.
• India
26 Nov 08
I can understand ur situation and feel ur pain. But then as u have mentioned u couple have a baby,so it's ur people's responsibility to be good parents for them. After all every baby needs the love and care from his/her parents. Living with just one among them will do no good for him. He might be bad,but still some positive thing in him made u get back and so from his side,he'd have also not been able to live without u. Both of u sit and discuss and resolve ur issues. Compromising to some extent will do no harm,it will just multiply ur happiness. I've seen many men chasing theri wives for work and spending the salary wives earn for their purpose. Thats not the case with ur husband right. Don't think I am supprting him totally. I just want to show u the other aspect or dimension of ur problem. As a third person I can view this problem in all aspects. Dont worry things are going to be fine for u. Take care.