Should couples live together before get married?

@jfxrsch (1041)
China
December 30, 2008 2:55am CST
Nowadays, live together before get married is quite common. I have nothing against that. Actually, when two people fall for each other, I think living together is a nature thing. But, the idea of "living together before get married to see how both side feel and decide to get married or not" somewhat sounds like a "Trail Version" to me. I would live with my be-loved one, but I would say "bye bye" if this be-loved one has the idea of "Trail Version". What's your opinion on this?
7 people like this
39 responses
@shebeck (116)
• Jamaica
31 Dec 08
I lived with my spouse 7 years before we got married and that was before I became a christian. I never though of this before but from a christian point of view I believed that couples who intended on getting married can lived together on the condition that 1. there is mutual agreement between them for doing so 2. share separate bedrooms (as there will be the temptation to engage in adult activities) 3. No fornicating, as this is not God's wish and He will not be pleased. Why I said this is because I have seen a lot of marriages ends bitterly where persons especially christians who got married and have not gotten the chance to get to know each other very well to make a decision as to whether this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and as a result personality differences ends up being a factor. I know men who beat their wife after marriage and living together or women who don't know how to do the necessary basic things for their husband and these caused fictions. I believe that once there is a mutual understanding as outlined above that will give the couples a chance to know each other very well and there and then a decision can be made, am I comfortable living with this persons, does this person annoys me, does this person like sharing his/her space and other things to take into consideration. Just by dating the person alone will not reveal all of these things to you. This is my thought, what do other think.
1 person likes this
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
1 Jan 09
Just my thoughts on the needs of knowing more about the partner- When 2 people love each other, they try every possible moment to be together, they get plenty of time to see each other even if it is just dating. During dating period, many things they need to know can be sorted out without living together.
@hdjohnson (2981)
• United States
31 Dec 08
No, is what I say. It is in a sense getting a opportunity to taste the milk before buying it. If the two people are serious about getting married, I think they should get married first. The idea of marriage means that the two individual people shall become one, and that should only come after the full commitment and decision to get married. I think the folks that like to try it out by living together first, don't truly understand the marriage union at all. That's my take on it all.
1 person likes this
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
Maybe it is because our society has become so much commercialized that people mix up milk with love.
1 person likes this
@bbsr13 (4198)
• India
30 Dec 08
Hello! We Indians never allow this system.Our culture is different.According to our culture marriage is an institution and it has prescribed some regulations and we strictly follow this.Accordingly first we get married and then start living together.we start loving after marriage and not before.thanx.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
30 Dec 08
I know something about Indian culture. I have to say-- it goes to another extreme. Interesting though.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
30 Dec 08
For more details, it was about 60 or 70 years ago that some Chinese new couple see each other on wedding. If talking of majority, it was about more than 80 years ago. Good or bad, it's just a tradition. It worked at their time. So, I guess it was good for them :-) As time grow, things change, people's life style change. Yes, sometimes we need to catch up a little bit :-)
1 person likes this
• China
31 Dec 08
I think Asia people are more traditional while the Europe people are more open. It is true that during our parents' period, they always get married by introduce or arrangement by their parents. However, nowadays, the adolecenses tend to choose their partner more freely and open. The life and thought really change a lot now!
@maean_19 (4662)
• Philippines
11 Jan 09
In my opinion, I can say that "living-in" together would be an option before getting married. Marriage is a commitment and responsibility. It involves mutual love, respect, trust, loyalty and understanding. If something is missing and cannot be reconciled, tendency is, the couple resort to divorce or annulment. If the thinking is like that, the essence of marriage will be lost. Marriage is not just a simple gf-bf relationship that when it won't work out, you could just say and call it quit. Hence, before these circumstances will happen, why not get to know more about each other first by living-in together. It may be true that relationships aren't perfect, then why is there many broken marriages? I remain a believer of Marriage, but I also believe that "living-in" is a way to create a well founded good marriage to be. Why? Because I believe that you'll get to know the color of a person only when you are living in one roof....Destiny is not what or who is meant to be....it is how and who we create the bridge with.... Do not consider living -in as a trial and error stage...Consider it as pre-marriage or engagement. It is the introduction to marriage...If two persons can't deal with the "living-in" stage, how much more when they already married.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
11 Jan 09
It's true that if the two can't even deal with the living-in stage, then, they might not be able to deal a life ahead together. But, on the other side, a successful living-in stage doesn't always lead to a successful marriage, more over, a successful marriage not always come from a living-in stage. So, is there a true connection between living-in and marriage?
@maean_19 (4662)
• Philippines
12 Jan 09
To some extent they are still connected. Living in stage is the introductory and the marriage is the proper. A successful living-in stage may not always lead to a successful marriage and a successful marriage does not always came from a successful living -in stage, but such a relation would come from the couples. To take as an example, a Graduate of BS Biology may lead to Medicine or chooses not. And not all who have taken Medicine are Biology graduates. Meaning, they have a connection, but it is the discretion of the individual to pursue or not and choose another regardless of its success as a Biology grad and his presumed success in the future.
• United States
2 Jan 09
Yes Definately, sometimes you think you get along with the person so well then you move in with them and drive each other crazy by your habits they seem to hate, examples toilet lid up or down, toilet paper roll paper upwards or downwards, night lights or no? heat on or off etc. its just weird things that can drive you crazy lol
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
2 Jan 09
I'm speechless-- Now I see how the trail version works-- they are trying to see how each other handle the toilet lid, night lights, heat... That's really crazy :-)
• United States
2 Jan 09
trail version? certain things just bug people I have known people that have been going out for a while then couldn't stand each other when they moved in and broke up
@derek_a (10902)
31 Dec 08
My wife and I lived together for around 2 years before we finally got married. I don't see anything wrong with this at all, although in those days (early 70s), it was frowned upon and people didn't seem to like it very much. But I've always had a rebellious nature :-) Derek
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
In 70s, that's really challenging :-) But, let me tell you-- If I decide something, any opinion makers can't get on my way. Even if I decided to live with a monkey, that's my own thing. Anybody try to stick his/her nose in my house, he/she for sure get sliced. Or, they slice me.
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10902)
31 Dec 08
Good for you! We are certainly not in this world to live up to the expectations of others... :-) Derek
@dpk262006 (56521)
• Delhi, India
31 Dec 08
I think it is not a bad idea per se. However, lot will depend upon the undersanding between the would be couple. If they can go for trail version, it is will depend upon a couple's individual choice. I think if a would be 'couple' stays together for few days, they cannot come to know about 'real and genuine habits and character' of their partenr, because in my view, it takes considerable time to 'understand' each other, may be years together.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
Love is a special concept for us human to understand. In some cases, it takes only one eye contact to decide. In many cases, it takes months, years and a lot experience together to realize. Finally, there are cases that just a big mess which goes no where no matter trail or no trail.
@dpk262006 (56521)
• Delhi, India
1 Jan 09
To my mind, it takes considerable time to understand each other, rare are the occasions, when understanding takes place at one go. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!!
@1corner (744)
• Canada
31 Dec 08
Well, if the two are planning to live as man and wife, they might as well get married FIRST. With marriage, there's really no such thing as "trials." You're either officially married or in a common-law marriage. I read somewhere that live-in relationships don't usually lead to good/lasting marriages, should the partners choose to marry later. If people embark on it to keep the divorce rate down, why not simply break it off before marrying? Simply put, I think most folks just don't give their relationships ENOUGH TIME to DEVELOP while in COURTSHIP. One can pretty much figure out if you'll work well together or not during that time. A pastor in a church I attended long ago advised the youth to have "a long courtship (years), but a short engagement" to give a couple time to get to know each other very well. It's pretty hard to keep up a pretense/facade for years.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
I agree, you are married or you are single, that's simple and clear. If my pertner want to trail of me, I'd feel hurt. Because so much love, so strong connection between each other, and when we committed to each other, that means we are suppose to go through good or bad together. To me, living together is a nature thing when a couple fall for each other even before they realize they want to get married. But, If they are planning to get married, a trail version changes the whole concept of love.
@1corner (744)
• Canada
31 Dec 08
When I first saw your discussion, I wasn't sure what to make of your comment on bidding farewell to someone who proposes a "trial marriage". Didn't really think how live-in marriages could be offensive, but I see your point. Particularly for the female, because I can't imagine one preferring such a relationship, unless there are already misgivings in the first place. Plus, we women are often already emotionally invested before taking that plunge. Trial versions are for those who aren't sure about their partner and the state of the relationship, which gives both a chance to bail out should things go awry. In that case, the level of commitment and love each brings is in question, not whether you have a marriage certificate or none.
• China
21 Jan 09
Well,althought you and your partner love each other ,you don't know you two can match up or not.If you two live together and deal with the problems you meet in the daily life ,and if you can do it well , then you will get a much better marriage.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
24 Jan 09
Not sure whether or not the trail version can really help.
• United States
12 Jan 09
I would rather live with my beloved than marry him, but it would have to be a big enough house so we both had our own bathroom and separate " sitting" rooms.I like , better yet I need the freedom to go if it doesn't work. If I marry, then I will be stuck and I would soon resent him.But I can understand a person or couple who Can't live together because of their religion.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
24 Jan 09
Interesting. I know--being married is not everybody's choice :-)
1 person likes this
@uditpanda (1023)
• India
11 Jan 09
hello I live in a very conservative society that will definitely not allow the living together before marriage concept. But personally I feel the same. Marriage is an commitment for life. We meet a lot of nice people all through everyday,but we cannot spend our life with all of them. It has to be some one who would match us in every way of our personality. If not,there is no option left except adjustment. So why not give it a trial before marriage. It will help the couple understand eachother in a better way & decide firmly about the partner for life.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
11 Jan 09
It sounds reasonable and logical, but if the love between the two is so weak that it might not survive from a closed test, then, why bother to do the trail?
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
11 Jan 09
In my own point of view I want marriage before living together.Although there is nothing wrong when a couple lives together before getting married.I just could not imagine how it is to love one after another.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
11 Jan 09
I agree with you-- it's nothing wrong when a couple lives together before getting married, but I don't feel good with the tail version.
@phoenix25 (1543)
• United States
2 Jan 09
I think that living together before marriage can be beneficial for some people. Me and my husband lived together for a year before we got married. When I was growing up, I decided that I would have to live with a person before I married them. That was because after my mom married my dad, my mom discovered a different and violent side to my dad that she had never seen before. I wanted to make sure this never happened to me. You can discover from dating if you love someone, but I think that living together allows you to see if you can really live with that person. I think some of the daily problems that stem from simply living together are things that can really end up hurting marriages. For me and my husband, it wasn't like a trial period. We were committed to each other and moved out of state, so we kind of had to live in the same apartment. We had decided that we would get married when we were ready and that ended up being a year after we began living with each other.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
2 Jan 09
that's a good reason :-)
@quinnkl (1668)
• United States
2 Jan 09
I don't think anyone should get married so I am the wrong person to comment, but if you want to be together, sure live together. If you can't get along as roommates you will not survive as marriage partners for sure, in my view. I am in agreement with Carol Burnett's (I believe it was she who said it first) idea that the perfect marriage is two houses with a connecting bedroom.... :-)
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
2 Jan 09
I agree with you-- if a pair of lovers want to live together, just do it. Although you are out of the box-- you don't feel marriage is necessary, but I do get the idea for argue against the trail version-- even couples that married and live in the same house need two bedroom, how a trail version can figure out a result :-)
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
1 Jan 09
It's a hard one because although I do agree with you that a "Trial Version" would not be acceptable for me either, it is nice to know what the person is like to live with before you commit to marriage. Having said that, I like to believe that if it is true love any differences you may discover about each other can be overcome regardless of whether you have lived together prior to getting married. It is a personal decision for each couple to make but to label it a "Trial Version" is unromantic and insensitive. Love is love and if two people want to be together it should not matter whether they are wed or not, but is one feels strongly about marriage I guess he or she can say if it doesn't matter either way why not just do it?
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
2 Jan 09
I agree totally -- love is love, if you don't feel the love is strong enough to make a decision, just stay where you are, no need to try something new.
@idowrite72 (2214)
• United States
31 Dec 08
I don't have a problem with living together before getting married. It is kind of like a trial before getting married, but doesn't always mean that after getting married that things will work out OR that the couple will get married. I have known of couples with grown children who never got married and are still happily together. There are those who say it is not good for the children, but if they are happy, what difference does it make. It is much better than a married couple who fights all the time or divorces and shares the kids. I think it is up to the couple to decide if they want to get married or not. After all, it is just a piece of paper that makes the difference, besides all the expense and time involved in putting a wedding together.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
1 Jan 09
About the concept of Marriage- Although I understand that many people hold different ideas about it, but it doesn't have more meaning than an invoice to me either. That piece of paper doesn't even give the same quality as a contract. Anyway, living together, to me, means the two people want each other. It should not be used as a trail version. Just live together, go married or not can be another thing. If I'm not on sell, I wouldn't give anybody a trail version.
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
31 Dec 08
Willy and Khuay napping together - These two are brothers and have been inseparable from the time I brought them home.
I think that couples should live together before they get married. They will find out all the quirks that the other person might have. When you are dating, you have your "Sunday manners" on. So you don't get the whole picture of what you're getting into when you marry someone. If you live together you see the other person as they really are...bad habits and all. It can be a true eye opener and can change your entire opinion of the other person. I will say that I did live with a fiance for a year, and the next thing I knew he was breaking up with me...he found a lady with a house, two cars and a big income. I was so glad that I didn't rush into the marriage and waited to see how things would work out between us. I found out that while I was true to the jerk, he was fooling around on me. It didn't take him two months after the break up to marry the other woman.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
Sorry for your unpleasant experience. Fortunately you figured him out.
• United States
31 Dec 08
It depends. If you are truly in love with that person, and you enjoy being with that person, then go ahead and live together. I personally think that people should really get to know one another before committing to each other.
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
I agree- just go ahead if you love him/her. But, decide committing or not before living together might be better.
• India
31 Dec 08
well i really don't know if i am against or for Live-in relationships. I mean I understand both side's arguments. All I know is that i wont be judjemental of the people doing it. I know I would not opt for a live-in relationship. My reason is simple - Love from a partner is not possible without a commitment from both sides to try to make it last. There is a saying that "Happiness is not so much finding the right person as much as being the right person".
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
I like the feeling of a growing love inside. I also accept if I have to let love go. Things are nature. But the trial version is somewhat out of my concept of love. Not sure what the scientist would call it.
@Rainegurl (2158)
• Philippines
31 Dec 08
hi there i think living together is a good idea but i would not make it a requirement. you really can learn a lot of things about a person if you live with him or her. maybe not everything but at least a lot. have a nice day!
@jfxrsch (1041)
• China
31 Dec 08
smart- it's not a requirement, but would love to try... LOL